9 Entry Nine

Sept 28, 2015

I found my adoption papers and it was weird, I knew I was adopted but seeing those papers made me realize how unwanted I am. Even my parents abandoned me and passed me on to others.

It hurts, maybe, I'm just that awful. Maybe I'm too ugly or useless, is that it? Is that why they didn't want me?

Mrs. Taylor was there when I found those papers and her smile, saying it was because I was a worthless girl, made things feel much more real. When she saw me holding those papers, she just smiled and left.

She wasn’t giving me a reassuring smile though, it was a smile that made me feel shivers down my spine. She didn’t need to say anything, I knew what she was thinking.

Her smile said it all, I was worthless and no one would ever be crazy enough to really want me. It made me feel terrified of my future and what would become of me if I ever disobey their wishes. They were all I had, and are the only ones I will ever have.

Mr. and Mrs. Taylor are the only ones who can tolerate me, no one else will, so I would have to do everything they said perfectly.

Mrs. Taylor didn’t say anything after that. She just left me in the room, holding my papers with trembling hands, facing the reality of what I am, someone who will never be accepted by anyone.

A worthless “thing” that cannot even be considered as human, because if I am human, I wouldn’t have been thrown away so easily like trash.

The past few days have been quiet, but I’m glad I didn’t expect more because now I know that this marriage would not change anything. The only difference now would be the house where I would sleep. I would share my bed with Gared and live under his roof, but everything would still be the same. I would still be as alone as I was before, and Mr. and Mrs. Taylor would still treat me the same.

The living arrangements would reduce our “family sessions” though. I’m positive they would not want Gared and his family to see that we are not as perfect as their family.