After noticing your post on the forum explaining that you were looking for some commentary that could help you improve, I did my best to deliver on your entreaty. I do realise, however, that this review may appear rather negative. I focused mainly on what — in my best opinion — has the most need or potential for improvement. Do note that I am not a professional writer myself and cannot claim to be a better storyteller: I simply hope to give you an idea how it is like reading your story. So to start off: There is a considerable absence of rhythm in your writing from the very start. Due to this, your story fails to be immersive: it fails to grasp your reader's attention. The characters feel sympathetic but I fail to imagine them. They don't feel like genuine people. You have given me a description of the physical appearance of your characters, but personally, I have difficulty imagining them. I would like to know more about the way they stand, their posture, their bearing. I need to see more personality in the characters in order for them to be appealing, in order for us, readers, to empathise with them. As your reader, I wish for even more texture, intensity and sensation. Show me peculiar character details. Do they pick their nails? Play with their jewellery? Any particular violence, abruptness or charm in the way they move? A particular way they move their eyebrows? Do they make exaggerated hand motions when they talk? Nonchalant scratching? Do they look away at some points during discussions? Do their smiles reach their eyes when they talk? As your reader, these things tell me a lot more about the characters than the colour of their eyes or the length of their hair. The dialogue doesn’t sound quite genuine. It’s entertaining, but most conversations sound forced and almost obligatory. Generally, dialogue should follow basic capitalisation rules as well. The overall grammar and sentence constriction is poor but not as poor as most works on webnovel. Your tenses are very inconsistent. You also quite often write sentences without a subject. If I may give an example: Laying by a gentle flowing creek. With the fresh smell of rich soil and water. A soft breeze drifting by with the faint smell of lavender. Listening to the birds singing over head. Aisling slowly opens her eyes with a smile at the peacefulness of the forest. This small elvish girl looks around in awe of the beauty around her. The lush green of the grass and trees. The crystal clear water of the creek . First, notice that almost all sentences are about the same in length. This will become tiresome and boring to the reader as it lacks rhythm. These opening sentences, I assume, are here to set the mood, but they sound very off. Try painting the scene with sentences that at least include a subject. For example: She was lying by a gently flowing creek. Surrounding her was the rich smell of soil and water, and the soft breeze drifted by bringing with it the faintest whiff of lavender. Overall, I can only advise you to keep writing in order to practice. I applaud your enthusiasm, wish you all the best and hope I at least helped you a little bit.
I enjoyed reading your story. Especially the crystals and the herbs. Even I used to use crystals ( now I don't) but I use the herbs :) . Yes there are people like this girl in your story. The stability of updates is good. The story is developing well. The character design is equally good. World background is well described. The writing quality is good too except for a few typos. These do not interfere with the flow of the story though. I would suggest you edit your chapters or run the draft through a grammar checker before publishing. I am doing the same, but when I don't, mistakes do creep in. I am saving your book to my library to read it later. All the best.
YOU. ARE. THE. DEAD. Oh my God. I got the chills so many times toward the end of this book. It completely blew my mind. It managed to surpass my high expectations AND be nothing at all like I expected. Or in Newspeak "Double Plus Good." Let me preface this with an apology. If I sound stunningly inarticulate at times in this review, I can't help it. My mind is completely fried.
There’s a lot of mystery entwined in this book. Spirits, evil spirits, shamans and Christians all lumped Up together in a way that pokes your curiousity and worry glands. Like, who exactly is this girl? How does she manage being a Christian but yet believe in this spirits, talisman thingy. There’s just so much mystery in this book that you want to unravel everything at once and heave “Ah, finally... I understand.” But Author won’t do that, obviously. Lol. Nice one, Author. I’m with you. Just be precise on the descriptions. Some chapters had missing action scenes and summarized scenes... that made it feel like the story was being Fast forwarded with so many actions happening and not happening in one chapter. All IJ all, I enjoy it
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