4 Pathetic

As I made my way out I ran into several well wishers, as I expected. What I didn't expect was the way they described the goal of my journey. "Go beat up all those bad monsters!" yelled one little girl. "Go kill the monster lord!" said another. Why were they saying that? I'd never mentioned to anyone that my journey was going to have anything whatsoever to do with monsters.

I received my answer as the priest from before came to wish me well. "Luka, I had a dream last night! Ilias appeared to me and told me that you would be the one to destroy the monster lord and end the monster threat forever! It is a prophecy! I'm sorry if it's making you uncomfortable, Luka, but I just had to share the good news with everyone. If you do this, even though you are unbaptized and not even a believer, you will be a great hero to all of us! May Ilias' blessing be upon you."

So that explained it. Ugh. It was also concerning. I'd had the same dream myself. Was it possible? I sincerely hoped not. I did not envision myself as some type of holy crusader against monsterkind. Even if I found out that they were mostly evil, I was no killer. How could I lead an effort to destroy a whole people? I hoped with all my heart that no real goddess would ever ask me to do such a thing. Such acts were for harder men than I. But what was I to do if there really was a war, and the monster lord had declared it? Could I face her down, defeat her, and end that war? Was there a way to do it with minimal loss of life? Was there a way to reconcile afterwards?

It wasn't long before I ran into Alice. "Hmmm. What's wrong?" she asked.

"The villagers think I'm on a quest to kill the monster lord," I replied.

"Seriously?" she responded. "Why would they think that? Is that what you told them you were setting out to do?"

"No, a priest had a dream about Ilias and he shared it with the rest of the village. Isn't that ridiculous? How could someone like me face the monster lord? Why would I even want to?"

"Hmph..." she said. "Damn cultists, following a goddess like that...Idiots, all of them. I don't understand why humans want to be slaves to her."

"People have their reasons", I replied. "Some seek her protection because they've lost loved ones to monsters. A friend of mine, he said his brother in Iliasburg got taken by a harpy and hasn't been seen since. Others want to be heroes and get all the respect and glory and benefits that entails."

"What kind of benefits?" she asked.

"Oh, things like reduced rates at inns, the right to appropriate anything you need for the purposes of going on a quest..."

"What, like stealing?"

"Well, they call it appropriation, if your sword or armor was broken or you needed a special type to perform a quest, then in theory other followers of Ilias are obligated to give it to you so that you can complete your quest. Although of course it's been abused a lot. Humans can be inauthentic. A lot of so-called heroes aren't heroic at all, they just want the adulation and the girls and the free and discounted stuff. But most importantly, the act of baptism supposedly confers protection from monsters."

"The semen of a baptized human tastes awful" Alice said. "So monsters aren't as likely to attack them."

"Really?" I said, surprised. "Baptism actually works?"

"You didn't know that?" she asked. "Baptized people taste like angel liver. Not very appetizing. That's why you smell delicious. You're not baptized."

"Okay, now I've got questions." I paused, lost for a bit. "And... I'm not even sure where to start."

"You probably won't like the answers anyway," she said. "So, where are we headed? Are you going to go straight to the monster lord's castle and take her out?"

She said that teasingly, and got the reaction she was looking for. "Heavens no!" I replied. "Besides, there's so much to see between here and there. I do intend to go to Hellgondo, and to be honest, I would actually like to see if I could get an audience with the monster lord. But I'm getting so far ahead of myself here it's ridiculous. Unless I learn more about what's going on between monsters and humans and come up with solutions that might make things better, why would she even want to see me? I'm just some random human."

I continued, "So right now we're a bit north of Ilias Village. I was planning on going to Iliasburg first since that's the biggest city on this small continent. They've got some good food, which I'm sure you'll appreciate," She smiled at that. "And I should be able to stock up on good provisions there as well. Then we'll go to Iliasport and take a boat to the huge continent of Sentora, and I can't really even think much beyond that because Sentora is so huge. One could easily spend a lifetime exploring that continent. We can get to Iliasburg, our first destination, by this time tomorrow if we maintain a decent pace."

"Oh come on," she said. snorting. "iliasburg, Iliasport, Ilias Villlage, IliasIliasIlias. What's with all the cheesy names?"

"This continent is where the most believers are. Although I can see why a monster wouldn't like it very much."

The day was mostly uneventful, and our conversation not all that interesting. She wasn't really interested in sharing much, mainly responding to something I said only if she had an opportunity to be snarky. But as it got close to nightfall, I ran into my third monster of the day. At first, she appeared to be a very pretty female traveler in dress. If the dress was a disguise of some sort though, it failed, because her huge lower body still showed through clearly. And that lower half looked like a slug!

"A traveler?" the slug girl said. "Not baptized either. You look delicious."

I looked around for Alice, but she was nowhere to be found. I know she said she wasn't going to help me fight monsters, but did she just disappear?

"What are you looking around for?" the slug girl asked.

"Ugh. It's not important. Is there something I can do for you?" I asked, hoping to avoid a fight.

"You look delicious," she said. "While tasting my sticky mucus, I'll let you come over and over."

I was in shock. That was pretty explicit. And kinda disgusting too. Was it normal behavior for monsters to talk so... dirty? She started moving towards me. Slowly. Hmmm, maybe this one I can run from. But remembering how that plan had failed with the last two monsters I faced, I elected to try a somewhat aggressive approach first. I pulled out my sword as I slowly backed away. She didn't even look concerned and kept on coming. Brandishing my sword had been useless.

Seeing no other options, I drove my sword into a part of her body that I hoped contained nothing vital. All I accomplished was to get my sword stuck in the thick mucus covering her body. Was there a body under that mucus? I assume there had to be, but I'd probably need a longer sword to reach it. Why did I go to all the trouble to get good at using a sword if a sword is useless against all the monsters I would have to fight?

I pulled my sword free, but not before she poured a huge, gross hunk of sticky mucus all over my groin. I was now covered in the icky stuff from the waist down. Before I could come up with a new plan, she knocked me down and began to climb on top of me. "Here. Have a taste of my sticky hell!" she giggled triumphantly. "When you can't take it anymore, just let it out!"

I struggled, but she was heavy and the consistency of her body made it a further challenge to move her, or move from under her. I felt my penis slip into something. How the hell did my pants get off again? The feeling was electric, like I was sinking into the softest, warmest, gooiest place imaginable. My spirit faltered as I went from revolted to ecstatic at what was happening to me. But I quickly recovered and with some effort, managed to slip out from under the slug and roll away from her.

"You didn't like my slimy hell?" she asked.

"I liked it very much, actually, but I prefer to get to know a lovely lady before doing... um... that kind of thing."

"Heehee." she laughed, much like the slime girl had. "You're sweet. You'll have plenty of time to get to know me after I've had my taste. I'll carry you off to be my mate."

Well, at least her cards were on the table now. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline your generous offer. I'm on a journey and I really must be continuing on."

"No", she said. "I'm afraid your journey ends here. I've been looking for a good mate for some time now and you have been selected."

I hadn't yet regained my footing and was still lying next to my pack. Inspiration suddenly came to me. I grabbed some salt out of the pack and brandished that instead of my sword.

The mocking look on her face darkened. "That... That's..." But then she kept coming towards me, slowly, ponderously, but inexorably.

I threw some salt at her. She cried out in pain. I immediately regretted doing it. It felt dirty and cruel, but what choice had she left me? She poured even more of her sticky mucus on me in preparation for another mount. In desperation, I regained my feet and just started throwing salt at her as fast as I could grab it.

"Stop it!" she cried. She shook and shrank away from me, the first time in this fight that I'd gotten her to retreat. Then she turned and ran away from me, much faster than I had thought her capable of, although still not terribly fast if I'd been bent on chasing her down. "I'll remember this!" she said as a parting shot.

Damn. All that training in swordsmanship, all that practice grappling, all the cardio I did so I could run away, and all it got me was two very sloppy wins in my first two battles against monsters. I wished fervently despite my exhaustion for a monster to burst out of the woods with a sword in hand so that I could have a fight I was trained for. Well, it could be worse. Two ugly wins and no losses was better than the alternative, however pathetic the wins.

Alice seemed to agree wholeheartedly, suddenly appearing out of nowhere. "What a pathetic fight."

"Good to see you again, Alice," I said. "I knew you weren't going to help but I didn't expect you to disappear. Where'd you go?"

"I didn't 'go' anywhere." she replied. "I just don't want other monsters to see me."

"Ah, so you just make yourself invisible and watch me look like an utter fool pulling a sword on a creature that can't be harmed by a sword."

"Pretty much," she responded. "Anyway, you made a huge mistake in that fight."

"Yes, I know, using the sword was pretty ridiculous."

"No you idiot," she said. "You threw away all our salt. How are you going to season our dinner effectively?"

I channeled my best dashing hero impression. "My lady, you wound me. What kind of cook do you think I am, that I would need mere salt to make a delicious dinner? I still have all my spices, and I can assure you that the meal will be magnificent."

"It better be." she said haughtily. "Also, I thought you said you knew how to use a sword? Your form was pathetic, that thrust was pathetic, everything about that performance was pathetic."

"I do know how to use a sword," I argued. "But you saw me under less than ideal conditions."

"Nonsense." she countered. "It shouldn't matter what kind of opponent you're fighting, there's never a reason to use such poor form."

"So you know a lot about sword combat?" I asked.

"Of course," she replied. "Who do you think I am?"

"I still have no idea who you are. You aren't really the sharing type."

She snorted. "And you share too much even though you know nothing."

Ouch. I had nothing.

"And you should really pull up your pants if you're going to argue with me."

At least they weren't damaged this time.

So we set up camp that night and as promised, I made a delicious dinner. Since we were close to Iliasburg, I didn't bother to save any of the dinner provisions, I just cooked everything and it was quite the feast, or the best that can pass for a feast when backpacking.

"Mmmmm..." Alice said, looking satisfied. "Even without salt, you were still able to make something good. If only you were as good with your sword."

"As I keep trying to tell you," I argued. "I am good with a sword. If we ever encounter a monster who comes at me in a normal way, you'll see that."

"What in the hell is normal, you idiot? Monsters come in a huge variety of shapes and sizes, with more kinds of attacks and defenses than you can even imagine. When one grabs you and eats you, you're excuses for why it wasn't a fair fight aren't going to mean much."

"You're right, you're right," I soothed. "Obviously I need to learn how to respond to a great variety of threats. But I assure you, I can use a sword. I was easily the best swordsman in Ilias Village."

Alice rose. "Okay then, I'm open minded. Perhaps I underestimated your swordsmanship just as I underestimated your culinary skills. So show me your technique."

"What? Right here? Against what?"

"Against nothing you idiot, I'm sure you have a way that you practice. Show me how you practice."

I sighed and rose, grabbing my sword. Actually, I'd done very little practicing solo, preferring to spar with wooden swords with the soldiers. I'd been more focused on what worked than technique or theory, and since there were no formal trainers in Ilias Village there was no opportunity for me to learn except by doing. Of course, I had apparently already inherited some knowledge and reflexes from my previous life, because I was regularly beating almost everyone right from the beginning. Problem was, I had no idea where I'd learned and nothing seemed to jog that particular memory loose. So I acted primarily from muscle memory rather than actually knowing what I was doing.

I ran through my techniques as best I could while Alice observed. When I was finished, she gave her review. "Okay, so that wasn't a total disgrace, but that is just a weird style. It seems to utilize leverage pretty well and your balance isn't bad either, but you're sacrificing speed unnecessarily. And so many of the techniques you use, there are better ways to get the same result. I've just never seen anything like that before. Any chance you remember where you learned it?"

"Nope, I got nothin'. It's weird, a random smell can remind me of a dozen different things I'd forgotten, but no matter how many times I spar with a sword nothing ever comes back to me."

"Too bad." she sighed. "Look, let me teach you a little something."

"Really?" I said, surprised. "I thought you weren't here to help me."

"I'm not", she said. "But this will be a pretty short and boring journey if you get eaten right away."

So she gave me some pointers for the next hour or so. Since this was the first time I remember being taught proper technique, it was actually very helpful. Towards the end, she said, "I'm going to teach you a technique now that you can use to make a quick, finishing move. It's a cursed sword technique called Demon Decapitation. It's said that the Dark Elf Zack was able to cut off the heads of 100 humans using that move."

Yikes. "Cursed sword technique? Not sure I like the sound of that."

"Don't read too much into it," said Alice. "The most important thing is that it's a quick cut that would remove the head from a weak opponent and seriously injure most stronger ones. It's also a speed move and right now you're style lacks quickness. You'd hold your own against a big lumbering minotaurus with a sword but an elf would cut you to ribbons."

So I practiced the new technique for the next 20 minutes. "Alice?" I asked. "Do you really want me using this technique on a monster? Wouldn't it kill them? I recall you weren't happy at the idea that I might have killed a slime girl."

"Of course I don't want you to use it to kill a monster!" she said. "Using that technique on a poor, weak monster would be overkill! But against a strong monster, it might save your life."

I prepared to turn in for the night. I offered Alice a sleeping bag. She declined it and coiled herself around a tree. Huh. You learn something new every day. Learned a lot of new things today, actually. In that respect, this journey was already going very well.

As I settled in, she spoke to me from her tree. "Do you remember your family?"

"Not really," I responded. "Not much has come to me."

"I see." she said, and went quiet.

"Alice? How is it that monsters just touch me and my resistance nearly crumbles? Is it pheremones or something?"

"Sometimes," she answered. "But usually it's a magic that's common to most monsters. it's why so many of them don't attack with weapons or teeth or claws, it's actually easier to subdue an opponent with pleasure. If they can make you orgasm then they have you, but weaker humans can't even resist a mere touch."

"How come I didn't feel that way when you had me wrapped in your tail for so long yesterday? Can you turn it on and off?"

"No," she replied. "but if you're scared or stressed enough or even angry enough, you might not notice it just from casual contact. If I'd started messing around with you in earnest you wouldn't have been able to resist even the slightest effort on my part."

"Oh." i said. I sought a new subject.

"So why are you traveling? It can't just be about sampling different foods." I said.

"Not JUST about food, but that's a lot of it." She uncoiled herself from the tree and slithered over to me. "Here, I've got this travel guide, it contains everything about the human world. Geography, environment, food... it has it all!"

I looked at the book. It was familiar to me. "Ah, the traveling guild's World Traveler Tour guide."

I looked inside the cover. "What the- this date can't be right. This guide is 500 years old!"

"Oh?" she said, "I thought it looked a little old."

"This is a piece of history. Do you realize how much this is worth?"

"I'm not selling it, you idiot."

I shrugged and handed it back. I wasn't really worried about money anyway, I'd brought along far more than I thought I'd need, even accounting for my unexpected traveling partner. I too wanted to be able to afford the finer foods and other attractions available around this world, so I'd made sure to save my coins religiously.

I wrapped myself in my sleeping bag. "Good night Alice."

"Uh huh," she responded.

I fell asleep pretty much instantly. It had been quite a day.