The One Where Derek Explains

We were sat around my coffee table.

By we, I mean Derek and his two henchmen were sitting cramped up on the tiny sofa across from me. It was like looking at a clown car with giants in it. Despite it looking extremely funny, I barely noticed. Instead, I stirred my tea with my finger and watched as the henchmen shifted their eyes around the room clearly overcome with giddiness like they were sat in front of their favourite celebrity.

"You were their queen. They respect you" Adrian said, calmly. I'm convinced he can read minds, but I believe he's kind enough to only do it when I'm not speaking.

"I suppose I am iconic." I replied, to which Adrian rolled his eyes at me like a child misbehaving.

"Before we start-" Henchman number two said. He was number two before he was extremely thin compared to henchman number one. His red skin was a lot darker than number ones, and Adrian's. A few more shades lighter and it would've been pink. His hair was also a bit messier and unkept unlike Adrian and number one who still looked clean and organised despite the slight messy tint to it. "I'd like to say you're by far my favourite queen."

"Gerwyn. Silence." Henchman number one said.

"Oh shut it, Irwin."

"Gerwyn? Irwin? Brothers I assume." Adrian looked pleased.

"Yes, dear. You've always called Gerwyn-"

"Jerry. But with a G."

"Yes." Adrian beamed with pride, as though I just won a million pound question.

"Irwin? Is that Hungarian? Quite strange to have brothers names come from different places." I commented.

"It's so we would stick out. We were born mortal, like you. That way, when we disappeared people would remember our names. Gives us power to travel to whoever thinks of us, where we can convince them to give us their soul and in return we give them whatever they wish for."

"But of course you don't, because it's stupid and humans are always easy to trick." I finished as though it was a nursery rhyme, at the same time Gerry mumbled the same thing.

"Brilliant, my love! Your memory gets better every time." Adrian clapped a couple times, clearly ecstatic I am 'remembering' things."

"Either way, my queen, we really hope you shall agree to more lives with us-"

"Imre. Be quiet. We must explain to her the same thing we have many times before."

"Explain what?"

"We're married." Adrian said, a hint of fear in his voice. Have I abused him? Does he fear me? My eyes brows furrowed. "No. You don't abuse me. You've never laid a hand on me." He quickly interrupted my thoughts.

"Unless you're laying your whole body on him." Irwin slapped Gerwyn. Gerwyn lunged across Adrian, and attempted to punch him and almost got him square in the face until Adrain stood abruptly and it seemed to install fear into the brothers who were frozen in place, Adrian then shoved them back into their seats and sighed.

"How do I put this without you thinking I sound crazy?"

"Just try me." I said boldly. Adrian nodded, as I sipped my tea before he went back to talking.

"I'm the devil. Lucifer's son, who also called me Lucifer. King of hell. Whatever you want to call it. Basically I'm immortal. I can only die when someone kills me, and that someone must then be crowned. It's why we, the kings and queens, always make sure it is our first born that kills us. People are always trying to kill me though, which is why I have-"

"Dumber and even dumber?"

"I like to say sort of sensible and slightly strange, but otherwise yes." He chuckled. Gerry looked slightly ticked off as did Irwin but otherwise they remained silent. It was obvious by their shifting bodies and darting eyes they feared my presence, or at least feared talking back to me. I felt a tang of guilt, less than I normally would but it was still there, I shouldn't insult them if they can't fight back.

"They check every meal I eat, check that I'm wearing a bullet proof vest under everything I wear and everyone who even wants to be 400 feet of me has a background check, let alone to the same room. It has its perks though."

"How could someone be that isolated have perks to their life? You get five minutes of breathing without the vest? Your hair can be styled how you want as long as you wear a tux." I think he'd look good in a tux. I mean, his muscles might bulge a bit but that might make it better.

"Thanks. I do look good in a tux, or at least that's what you say." My face didn't move a muscle, even though I wanted it to. "My perks are you. In every life I've lived with you these past three thousand and three hundred years. "

"You're alive for a hundred years each life, then we have to wait three hundred years for you to be reborn when we then collect you again." I thought it over in my head, eventually grabbing a notepad, hearing the three boys chuckle as I did the maths.

"That's only two thousand seven hundred though." Adrian nodded, a slightly smile. Does this boy ever stop smiling? I hope not. Maybe he has enough smiles for the both of us.

"I'll explain that in a minute." I nodded for him to go on. "We've been together for that long too. It was our three two hundred and 49 year anniversary a month ago, but you were out of town so we couldn't come visit you. Because you were away we guessed you were not ready to join us again."

"Yes. I was out of town for business." I lied.

"He already knows you were dating someone." Irwin said, uncaring for his friend who's fist clenched in anger. He seemed to be shaking as his eyes closed and he got filled with rage.

"Is he ok?" I asked, concerned.

"Give me your hand-" Gerry shouted, but before I could answer he lunged across the table and grabbed my hand causing me to drop my tea all over my sofa. It was my last clean one, too.

Gerry forced my hand on top of Adrian's, and he noticeably began to get less shaky.

My mind got lost again and I began thinking about my shopping list.

Did I add eggs to it? Wait, I think I have eggs. When was the last time I ate eggs? I think it was with the most anti vegan meal every. Am I vegan? I think my father was. No. That was my aunt, she raised chickens and ducklings. I wonder what happened to the duckling Elena. It was my favourite. Or was that Fiedo? No. Fiedo was a chicken. Oh. Fiedo and Elena were killed. I killed them?

I think Aunt Belinda did.

Oh yeah. She wasn't vegan. She liked to raise stuff to kill it. I think it's cause that's what her mother did with Belinda's brother.

Is that how my dad died?

No. No, I don't have an1 Aunt Belinda.

Oh yeah. That was on my cooking show where they tell dark stories whilst making cookies with vegetables. It also has my favourite actor, Hom Tiddleston. I first saw him in a film where he played as a horse that gets killed in a dramatic retelling of the turtle and the bunny. He also plays as a prince horse in an other film that has a brother named Mcqueen.

Hom works with another guy called Hom, and that guy raises chickens from eggs.

Eggs. I need to buy eggs. I used the last of them paying my neighbors kids to egg my bosses house.

Loud laughter interrupted my thoughts and I jumped.

"Sorry!" Adrain said through laughter, I looked at him confused, tilting my head again. "How did you do a full loop about eggs?

"Eggs?" I said, confused. What had I been thinking about? "I need eggs." I stood up from my seat, grabbing the pen I used for my notepad and made my way over to the fridge, ignoring Adrian's loud laughter from the living room as Gerry and Irwin tried to calm him down.

I quickly scribbled 'eggs' on my shopping list that's hung on my fridge. Noting I needed to go to the shop since I spent the last three days eating left overs I stole on Friday. I was starving at this point.

I sat back down in front of Adrian, and noticed I never got them tea. I went to open my mouth but Adrain talking quickly shut me up.

"We're fine, thank you." I looked up at him to see his face red, tears in his eyes. He has a terrible sense of humour. "Where we were?"

"Why couldn't you visit me?"

"It's against our law, to visit before you are ready to come back with us." Adrian explained simply. "Whether it be you are in a relationship with someone else or just not mentally in a good position."

"It wasn't a relationship."

"I beg you pardon?" Irwin asked, taken back. Even Gerry seemed a bit surprised. Adrian seemed full of glee though, which made me want to smile.

"That guy. The reason I was out of town was for business, he was a potential client. I was seducing him to give us his partnership."

"But, you can't do that!" Gerry said, bewildered.

"When did you three last say you were here?" I asked.

"600 hundred years ago." Irwin answered, curiously laced in his voice like a drug

"Things have changed. This is legal. You can do relationship stuff without being in one. I could have a child with someone and never date them. It's legal, difficult to do, but legal." Adrian sighed. He seem unnerved when I mentioned child, but otherwise was grateful. He looked as though I just gave him a million pounds and told him Tom Jones is coming to visit!

"So why three hundred years?" I ask, referring to why he waited that long.

"We have been giving you a longer sleeping period, in order to stay with me longer."

"We?" I asked Adrian in reply.

"Yes, we." Irwin butted in, letting Adrian slump back into the ugly blue coloured sofa. It was clear Irwin had an area of expertise. "Heaven knows everything would descend into chaos if we didn't have a true blood line to pass onto. It would also cause more chaos for them which is all they care about. So they grant us one person who was already going to hell and give them the perfect amount of time for another king to be born."

"I was going to hell?" I asked, curious as to why.

"Yes. For something you did in your first life, and now since you've been dating Satan everything's gone down hill." I nodded, understanding.

"What did I do?"

Gerry quickly jumped in, "You started a rebellion against a king who was not causing you harm because you wanted your brother to be king instead. He promised you women would have rights, his real plan was to make it illegal to be a woman and not wanting to marry." I don't know why he sounded so excited about it.

"Attempting to overthrown your king or queen is very much encouraged in hell. It's why you're so popular." Adrian added, clearing up my confusion.

"I thought murder would be." I stated plainly.

"No. We're bored of murder. Happens all the time. Cults are boring too, who wants to spend your whole life dedicating yourself too Satan just to have to spend the rest of eternity with him. At least do it once a week." Irwin huffed.

Gerry leaned forwards and covered his mouth so only I could see and whispered loudly in order to piss of Irwin, "He's just salty because that's exactly what he did before he died. Every waking minute he praised Satan" Irwin blushed madly, and growled at Gerry, his skin turning red.

Adrian chuckled. "Yes. I ever did love his constant attempts at summoning a demon. I felt his love for me radiating off of him when he entered hell."

"Shut. Up!" Irwin shouted, slapping Adrian before shoving his face in his own t-shirt, revealing his toned abs and that his skin colour was changing to a tanned brown.

Irwin stayed curled up in the corner of the sofa as we went back to speaking.

"So. Six hundred years?" I asked, still curious.

"We gave you extra time to sleep this time." Adrian said, sitting back up. I almost felt intimidated.

"Yes, but I don't understand why."

Adrian sighed, and leaned forward a bit more this time. "That man you slept with last night." I mean it was technically three hours ago, but ok. "He's impregnated you." No, shit. "With my child." Well, that's a plot twist and a half. "And I need to take you to hell to raise the baby." And there's the other half.