13 I can't give up, I won't give up

I know that James needs some time on his own too, he's the one who's been with me 24/7 and he had not shed a single tear when I'm awake. I know that the moment he went out that door he'll stay just a little by the corner and cry. And he did, I can hear his sobs from here. A few minutes later, he's gone.

The time that I'm alone, I felt my whole body surrender. The pain started kicking in, it is not localized, it radiates everywhere. Everything just hurts and all I want to do is to stop breathing just to stop all of it but I still want to live.

All of a sudden I thought that I'm acting like a spoiled brat wanting to get everyone's attention by getting chemo. Living longer means that I'm giving false hopes to my mom and dad, to James, Harry, Liz and Khan; when in fact the moment I started to decide that I wanted to live longer is the moment I prepared myself to die. Am I becoming selfish now?

I didn't ask for this to happen, I felt hot tears fall down my face but I ignored it, I am not crying because I'm dying. I'm crying because of all the things that can happen why this? I'm tired of everything, of me accepting this disease without even having to get the sympathy of those around me. They act all strong and almighty when I see them, but when I'm dying of pain and fatigue I can feel how hopeless they are.

Everything just seems to fit in the wrong way, me fighting for what I thought was worth it when in fact chemo is making me want to give up and just die.

I buried my face in my pillow and just sobbed like an idiot, then someone tapped my shoulders, I tried to look as if I just woke up, and then I saw Kim. "You don't have to face it alone Cheen, we are here for you. There's a lot of people who didn't give up for you."

"But that's what I want! I don't want to see those I love cry just because I can't even Hardly up when I want to."

"You can't solve everything alone."

"Will I die?"

"I can't answer that."

"Then all of these are just a waste of time! All of it!"

"You have to make the most out of life Cheen, you shouldn't be afraid of dying."

"But…"

"Your family and friends will stay with you forever Cheen."

"Then does forever have a now?" I sound absurd but I don't care. I'm upset. I want answers. I want to know that all of these have its bearings. I don't want to feel hopeless.

"If yes then where is it?"

"Here"

Harry is the one who answered. Kim just stood there, her eyes trying to believe that Harry is right.

Tears fell uncontrollably in my cheeks and I can feel my body shaking, trembling. I don't want to die but I don't want to live if it's going to hurt me and the people I love this way.

Just then I brushed my hair and when I saw my hands, I noticed that my hair is already falling off.

I can feel my breathing grow deeper and deeper then all of a sudden it's already hard to breathe. I can see my hair fall off strand by strand. And all of a sudden I feel that my hair became something more of a symbol of time, that the moment I lose it, the moment I lose them all.

Is the moment that I'll give up on life.

My second cycle is a whole lot worse; I vomited twice as much as I did during the first one. I fell weak that I can't even open my eyes, and I can no longer hear my parents, James, Harry, Liz and Khan talking.

By the end of second cycle when I can pretend to sit up straight without falling I ask my mom and dad to take me home, they're not really pleased about it, but I can be a b1tch if I wanted something.

I can feel James' concerned stare all throughout the ride back home, I just ignored him. I know he'll just lecture me about random stuffs just because he won't see Kim anymore. When we reached home I immediately went up my room.

When I opened the door balloons fall everywhere and I saw Khan and Liz holding a banner with "Welcome home bitch" printed on a large piece of cloth. I now know why Khan hasn't visited me ever since I asked mom if I can go home after my second cycle.

Khan's always been the artist, that's one reason why I had fallen madly in love with him then, he can picture and paint beautiful landscapes, he sent me one of his masterpieces then. He painted me a picture of autumn just because he knows how much I love it. It's still posted on my bedroom wall, and when he saw it he smiled.

"I see you're all well prepared!" I said hiding my excitement, I'm not really used to showing Khan and Liz my emotions, half the time I was with them is that I portray no expression at all, like the way some actresses were when they act.

"Aww! You're here early!" when I turned around I saw Kim holding a cake, "I'm supposed to be hiding here," he said pointing at the corner "And will be holding this." he said as she removed the cake from the box.

"Where the hell is Harry?" He said furious, as if he'd known him all his life.

"What the hell!!!" came a wide eyed Harry when he saw me; he glared at James, "Dude!! I told you to text me?!" he said in frustration.

James looked confused, probably because of Kim or maybe just because he hadn't received Harry's messages, "You did?" he fished out his phone from his back pocket and smiled, "Dude, dead battery."

"And I told you not to open that cake when I'm still not here!" he shouted towards Kim

"Gosh! You sound like my mom! You even look like her too."

I laughed, the only ones who pulled it off are Liz and Khan talk about a dynamic duo. "What're you supposed to do anyway?"

"I should be Hiding to where the arrow is pointing and should Ahhhhhhhh. Never mimd" He said, still a little pissed.

"And then?" I amazingly asked looking at him intently.

"Nah! It's nothing! Just forget about it." he said as he motion himself to the door.

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