9 The Countless Thoughts

....depression's hunt......

I was in great depression. I couldn't comprehend what really is love? Why someone ends up their own dear and precious lives--which is really hard to acquire--just because they don't get the love they desire.

Why some people keep on nagging love when someone isn't accepting them? Is love the connection between the two hearts or just a sexual desire?

I heard many stuffs about love-- they say love is great; love is eternal; love is sweet; love is understanding each other; love is a midnight candle that goes on glowing in the dark days; love is a melodious song in depression; love is God; love is profound; love is guiding star; love is precious; love is helping hand in need; love is a storage of happiness and love is life. But does it make sense?

Even the candle in the corner of my room dimmed in brightness. Why? Is this the way love goes just deteriorating with elapse of time? I could vividly reminisce the mundane and countless sought of Wangmo for my love. On the other hand, I love Lhasang.

We're like three edges of a triangle. Wangmo possesses lots of beautiful stuffs like her figure, her hazel eyes, her protruding breasts, her fleshy and big ass, her snowy appearance, her attractiveness--what do we need more than these? She has everything that a man wants. But why I'm unable to accept her?

Though the fact is, I love Lhasang but is there any guarantee she will accept me. I have just seen her once, she is completely a stranger. But why I'm dragging towards her? Is her that melodious voice that compelled me to have attachment towards her? I was blank.

"Dawa? Why are you looking so gloomy today? Isn't the picnic satisfactory? Or did you quarrel with your friends? What happened son? Tell to your mother, son." My mom asked applying olive oil on my hairs.

"Nothing mom....just not feeling well. " I replied forcing myself an unnatural smile which was really hard to show.

"Are you lying? Be frank with me son. I am your mother. I have that capacity to understand your problem. Tell me what happened? " She inquired dropping her salty tears on my mouth.

"Nothing mama...." I compelled myself to lie a big.

"OK then. Do you want medication?" She faced towards me. Still I could see brim of tears in her motherly eyes.

"No mom....It's just a minor ailment." I replied, unable to face her as I was disgraced owing to my lies to someone more worthier than my own life.

"OK. Take care! "She said with an artificial smile on her face and made me eased to sleep. After I simulated to be asleep, she slowly went to her room and locked the door of mine cell.

I was greatly saddened for not able to return gratitude.

It was something unbearable! Why Gandhi Satyagraha? Even I'm unable to bear the emotional ailments. I didn't notice that I had dropped countless tears that almost wetted my mattresses. I knew my mom had obviously understood my lies. She might have seen pain in my eyes so she cried.

I felt completely broken for breaking the laws of nature. I made my mama cry. I don't know what punishment is waiting there for me. Hurting mother's soul is the most sinful act ever, even more than murdering innocence.

"Hey God! Punish me accordingly. I am ever ready!" I heard myself murmur.

I woke up from my bed and tip toed towards my parents' flat. What I heard was something unconditional. I peeped through the key hole. My misty eyes could see something heart-cracking. My mom was crying on my dad's arms.

"Mommy, look? Our son might be going through minor depression. Don't worry, he'll be alright soon." I heard my daddy consoling my mom. I could understand his own condition. Despite himself was shedding his tears, he could manage to assure mom.

"Nah! It isn't minor!" She yelled, punching on my daddy's chest.

"Look, mommy? Don't cry, he would be back to health." He was trying his best to solace mom's melancholia.

It was intolerable! Despite being a 18 year lad, I was completely nagged to floor. My strength couldn't withstood the scenario. I remained shedding tears that was unstoppable. I allowed the tear to drop till it gets fade up with me.

I slowly, crawling on my knees, climbed up the bed and lied flat staring at the spinning fan. The coolness of fan gradually eased me to sleep.

*******

"No...no....no...!" I could hear the outcry of my mom on the other side. I immediately woke up and rushed down the steps towards parent's compartment. I banged hard on the door and I fell with the plank on the floor. I slowly raised my head up on the ceiling.

Alas! My dad was hanging. Is he dead, yes he was! I gazed at my mom and saw she has already passed out. I yelled at top of my voice that whole hairing-impaired world can hear.

Suddenly I was awakened by a bip. I was profusely sweating. I spontaneously reached my hand on the juck beside my bed and poured a glass of water. I gulped it in once. I checked the SMS, it reads:

"Wangmo was found dead inside her flat this Tuesday. Hurry up!"

I couldn't imagine. How come! Is she dead? Who is this who sent me this message? I just saw the nightmare about my father's death and what it reads was helluv contradictory! Does this nightmare symbolise Wangmo's death? It's 2:00 a.m.