10 Have I found that peace?

"You're spot on, Lila. I don't have high regard for myself. I am way too far down the road of no return." He said.

"I understand." I said.

"How could you understand when you don't even know what I have done or what has happened to me?" He asked, in a curious voice.

"I take your word for it. You're determined not to return to wherever it is from the road of no return. Your resolution is strong. You're stubborn; you said so yourself. The worst traits inherited from the German side of your family." I replied.

"Why, yes, indeed. Why have I not thought of it from that angle? So you're saying I am the cause of all my misery." He muttered more to himself than to me.

"Sometimes when you are too occupied with your own thoughts, you cannot see anything else. I view you from a stranger's perspective. I am disinterested. I did not say that you are the cause of all your misery. I'm saying that if you see no way of returning, who am I to dispute that?" I said.

"Blame it on my weakness. I can't move forward because I have willed myself into an abyss. I am weary and tired, both in my body and mind. What an accurate observation, Lila." He said grimly.

"By placing much value in the generalization and stereotypes of traits, one is bound to justify them; for better or worse. Whilst it is true that we are products of our environment, we can rise above it. Deep down inside of us is our soul. It is pure, it has no biasness and it is neutral. If we tap into this source, we find peace, but first we have to be detached from our environment." I said.

"That's really deep. You could moonlight as a new-age self-styled guru with your magic moonstone." He said.

I knew principles of Buddhist meditation in detail. Our village was a Buddhist stronghold and when I was a child, I was sent to study and live with the monks at the temple for periods of time. However now equipped with better knowledge and maturity, when I thought back, it was because the monks acted as babysitters when my mother went to work, first at the fields, and then frequenting the seedier bars where men looked for companionship.

I was able to find peace with myself, until his eyes took away my heavily treasured peace yesterday. Then I knew my peace was not real.

"Have you found that peace, Lila?" He asked me then.

I shook my head.

"I thought I had it but it comes and goes. I guess I am not as detached as I would like to be." I said, noting that his eyes were spiritually lethal for my enlightenment.

"Then there is no hope for me. I refuse to let go, I refuse to reform." He said.

"You don't have to reform. Accept yourself the way you are. If you do not accept yourself, how can you even reform?" I said, in one breath.

Technically it was easy to blurt out these core principles and I must admit I got carried away then. I went on about meditation and the various hand mudras to match them. However the more I spoke, the calmer he became. He seemed to enjoy hearing me talk, or just maybe he saw the truth in the statements. Maybe he saw entertainment in it.

"I am glad you are more open towards me now, Lila." He said.

Our gazes locked and for a few minutes after that, we did not speak.