“You’re fine alone?! Then from now on, you won’t get even a single cent from us!” I heard Mom’s voice approaching my room. We went home after the scene we pulled off at the restaurant. While we were traveling back home, she kept on nagging me about my behavior and how I talked back at them.
'How I disrespect them.' as she said.
I wanted to cry and shout that I didn’t mean it. Like, yes I’m mad about what they just did but I can’t just leave the house?
Where am I gonna go? I don’t have a place to stay.
Or maybe I'm just thinking too much?
She won't drive me away from the house, right?
She opened my door harshly and looked at me with madness in her eyes. “M-mom,” I said in a small voice. She is still staring at me sharply. Like a lion looking at its prey. Mom is really scary when mad.
“M-mom, you can’t expect me to just accept your decisions especially that my future is at stake.” I reasoned out. I didn’t mean to shout at them. To argue with them, I was just blinded by my feelings that is full of hatred.
“We are doing this for you to have a brighter future!” she said to me.
“Mom, it doesn’t mean that I’m a woman, I can’t stand on my own. I can be independent. I will never depend on a man!” I said and stood up in front of her to prove a point.
“You can’t just say that I will have a brighter future if I marry that man just because they’re rich.” she looked at me with dismay.
“Do this for our business.” She said, and walked out. I sighed heavily and looked up.
Yeah, sure. Again, for business. It's always for the business.
“Hey,” I looked at the door and saw Ghale standing there. I smiled a little at her. This is also the reason why I can’t seem to understand what’s happening.
Ghale is the eldest but why am I the one who needs to have this set-up?
Why not Ghale?
“Hey,” I replied wearily. “Are you okay?” she asked and I nodded. I can’t seem to talk too much.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” She talked again after a long pause. I just sighed and sat on my bed. “Why?” I asked without looking at her.
“I-I’m afraid you’ll—“
“Why me?” I stopped her. I turn around to face her. “You’re the eldest, why not you?” I asked again.
She looked down until I realized that she’s crying. “Cause I can’t,” she answered but it doesn’t seem right. “I don’t want to.” She speaks again making me laugh humorlessly.
“You don’t want to... so I’ll be the one to suffer?” I asked her, disappointed.
“Why do I need to marry that guy anyway?” I looked away when I felt my tears.
“Why do problems love me this much? Why won't they leave me?” I asked again. She said nothing but sorry. She kept apologizing but I don’t understand.
She’s the reason why I am in this situation. She’s the one who disagreed about this 'arrangement thing' so I need to sacrifice, and here she is, saying sorry like she can’t do anything about that.
“Can you please go out? I want some time for myself.” I asked her in a small voice. I felt her slowly walking away making me sigh.
For the whole afternoon, I rested myself inside my room. I would just go downstairs if I wanted to eat and after that, I would go back and sulk.
My phone kept ringing but I didn’t mind it.
For the nth time, my phone rang again. I sighed and turned it off. I don’t need someone who will crash through a peaceful time I am having. Even just for today.
I was just sitting in my bed looking nowhere. I saw my laptop in my bedside table. I picked it up and opened it.
I opened my Spotify app and played my favorite song.
The One That Got Away
I don’t know why I love this so much, but one thing is for sure. The beat is amazing and peaceful, but at the same time, the words are knives piercing through my heart.
I sang to the song and enjoy myself.
In another life
I would be your girl
I remember Drake… and Stephanie.
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world
It seems like something is going on between them.
In another life
I would make you stay
I remember how Drake makes me laugh, smile, and do something crazy… genuinely.
So I don't have to say you were
The one that got away
The one that got away
I took a deep breath and forced myself to stop thinking about them.
Instead, I think of someone else.
My lovely sister.
Danny told me that I have a beautiful voice. I’m not convinced at first, but when I sang in front of a crowd, it was scary but refreshing at the same time.
Danny was a part of a band, she’s the vocalist, and when she knew that they will perform at a certain event, she told me to sing with them.
That was the first time that I sang bravely in front of a crowd. And that was the last.
I only sang that time because I have Danny who would always cheer me up. Someone who believes in me.
We’re not close with Ghale before. She always has her friends, she is always with them, she didn't care about us like we don’t exist in her life at all. But that was okay, not until Danny died.
Because of me. That’s what they say.
Instead of reminiscing those painful memories, I decided to sleep my exhaustion away. It didn’t take me minutes to fall asleep.
“You’re the reason why all of these things happened!”
“You are truly bad luck!”
“You don’t deserve to live!”
“You’re a monster!”
“She died because of you!”
I woke up sweating all over and breathing heavily.
Where does that came from?
Why am I hearing voices? Are they real?
Or it’s just a dream?
But why does it felt so real?
I look outside the window and realize that it’s already midnight. I slept too long reason why I skipped dinner.
Instead of going downstairs to eat, I decided to go back to sleep.
But those voices… they seem so real.
I hope they’re not. Because if it’s true, why can’t I remember it?
Do I have amnesia? But that’s impossible. I can still remember my childhood.
I put myself back to bed and stared at the ceiling until I slowly fell asleep once again.
“You killed her!”