Chapter 1 Secrets

I've always thought to myself why in the world would anyone love me? One day you can be dating someone and the next your left alone to think, "what is it that I did wrong?" At this point those exact words are what circles around my mind at the end of my relationships.

Every time those words appear in my mind I try and answer them myself with responses like, "maybe I was good enough" or "maybe he did want to break up, he just wants a break and accidentally said the wrong thing." But then when I go try and talk to him and ask him if this was a joke or something, all he says is, "I mean it, I'm done with you."

Ever since I got into my first relationship I always thought to myself that maybe might find the perfect guy, and that the guy I'm dating now could be the one for me. But it seems like every time I get my hopes up, I'm left to rot because I'm not wanted anymore.

For what seems to be a magical world that we live in, there is not enough magic around here to even grant my wishes.

All I want is a guy that says they want to be with me forever and means. I mean if you like than you should put a ring on it, am I right? Seems I can't find one guy that would date me long enough for us to get close and then possibly get married.

I'm basically living my life like I dead and went to hell, reminding myself that I'm not wanted by any guy that comes my way, and that no one wants a guy like me.

And not only can I not find the perfect guy, no one knows that I'm gay. I tend to hide it a lot. My family, nor my friends know that I'm gay, especially since all my friends are guys and I feel like they'd not want to be friends with me anymore if they knew I was into guys. My family doesn't know because my dad never seemed to like me. Come to think of it he only doesn't seem to like me because I'm not into sports, or even watching sports events on TV or at the real stadium.

I literally skipped every field trip to the baseball game in June in Elementary School. All I can remember from when I came to school the day after the field trip was hearing about the games and how the teams played great, those conversations that I heard made me feel like everyone wanted me to feel left out about not coming to the trip, but I never cared if they wanted me to feel left out, I made myself not want to fit in.

My lifes is a real mess, but in a world like this, I doubt I'm ever going to find the guy for me. And all the secrets I've been keeping to myself, I tend to keep it that way for a long time.