1 Nothingness and a friend

It was completely dark. Not a single glimpse of light was seen, not a single beam penetrated that room. I was running but to where? I was gasping for air, but why was I out of breath? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I here? It was cold. I felt empty, incomplete, unhappy, anxious. I was still wandering about in the dark, cold room until I spotted a light. I reached for it, I was so close to catching it, I felt hope, I could get out of this horrible place. I kept reaching, but the darkness swallowed me whole.

Once again, I was in the dark. I felt lonely. I was wishing for what I knew I'd never get. I was praying for what I knew I'd never have. Millions of thoughts swarmed my head. They were all negative. I suddenly felt safe, yet scared. 

There were arms wrapped around me, consoling me. A gentle voice called out my name. Who was it? I didn't know! All I knew was, it made me feel numb. I still felt empty, but at least with it, I could cover everything up. I turned around to see a slim silhouette, standing there, with a faceless expression. It knew who I was, knew what I felt, knew everything about me, knew how to make me feel less lonely.

At least that's what I thought...

I trusted it, was always with it, spoke about everything to it, and it listened.

I woke up the next day, looked around my room, disappointed to see nothing but what I would see every day when I woke. It was not there, so I felt lonely again. I felt numb again.

It was time for my pep talk, time to tell myself that today will be a wonderful day, that today will be...

I ran out of positive things to say because I knew that today, just like any other day, I'd be alone. Today would hurt, just like it always does. Today I'll come back home, wishing that day never happened, wishing that I could've just stayed home, wishing I could've just stayed locked in my room, wishing I could spend an eternity on my bed, wishing I wouldn't cry myself to sleep every night...

Wishing I never woke up in the first place.

I stared at myself in the mirror and practiced my smile for two whole minutes. But soon after, the gloom expression returned. I got myself ready, went to school, smiled, laughed, spoke, ate with my friends, did my work, as usual. As soon as the bell rang, and it was time to go home, that meant I had no more distractions to help me. I put on my headphones and tried losing myself in the music.

On the way home, I said nothing, simply listened to music. When I got home, I said nothing, I went to my room and watched videos. I wanted to see it again, I missed it more than I wished I would. So, I closed my eyes to take a nap.

My eyes opened, but it wasn't there. I felt sad. I was laying on the bed, staring at a blank ceiling. I wanted to face the wall, but I couldn't move. What is going on? Why can't I move? Come on body, move! Even if it's just one finger, JUST MOVE! I wanted to scream, but no sound came out. I was crying out for help, but nothing.

I felt cold, I was scared. The fear went away for a split second when I heard the voice of a little girl, singing a lullaby. Maybe she can help. The little girl in the white coat approached me. I could see her from the corner of my eye. She smiled at me, reached for my face, opened her mouth, and screeched. She screamed so loud that I could still hear it after she stopped. There was a ringing in my ears, it was painful.

I looked at her again, but her small body disintegrated into dust. The sand became a giant puff of black smoke. I felt somewhat relieved that she'd be gone, but that puff of smoke turned into a strangely shaped form. The thing I saw was monstrous. That thing had horns, claws, and very thick skin. It climbed on my bed. Its face was on top of mine, its eyes were looking straight into mines. I could feel it breathe, I could hear its voice whispering into my ear. It was pressuring me, pushing me against the bed. My chest felt so heavy that I thought my ribcage would eventually break. It felt as if a ton of weight had been placed on top of me.

I couldn't breathe. I was panicking. I wanted to get out of there. I wanted to wake up, but I felt as if I already was awake. My heart was pounding so hard against my chest that I could hear it. That thing became my darkest fear.

I didn't want to see, hear, or feel anything. I shut my eyes tightly and wished for all of it to go away. I wanted the nightmare to end. When I opened my eyes again, my chest was hurting, my clothes were soaked in sweat, my breathing was still abnormal, but at least I could breathe. I could move!

And I felt lonely still.

I looked around every corner of my room three times to check if the little girl was still here. I refused to blink or close my eyes if there was a slight chance that I would experience that again. I never wanted to go through that again. I put on some meditating music to calm myself down. I fell asleep again, but this time I dreamt of nothing.

The next day was the same again, practiced in the mirror, got ready, came back, didn't eat, didn't sleep. A week went by with this routine. Saturday arrived. That means everyone's home, resting, goofing, laughing. Yet me, all I wanted was to be alone. I stayed hauled up in my room, binge-watching tv series, and anime. I was fine, I was ok... I think.

If I was ok, why did I cry so many times? Why do I feel almost nothing? Why did I get so many nightmares? Why was all of this happening to me? Why me? Why?

The questions swarmed my head, and I couldn't stop them. Every time they came, I could hear a voice whispering something to me, but I couldn't quite make anything of it. I ignored it. I ignored everything. I never spoke of anything. Every time I tried, I'd hear the same things: it's ok, you're fine, it's just stress, it'll pass, I used to be like that, it's not a big deal.

Was I ok? I didn't know the answer.

I dozed off as I drowned in my own thoughts.

I found myself in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, a body appeared from far away. The person was waving at me. Who is that? I walked towards the hand waving. The hand stopped. I then heard a voice calling out for me. It was it, I knew it. I started running, faster and faster. I was getting closer. It smiled at me, grabbed my hand, and said to me: it's ok. You can rest now, I'll always be with you. I'll make you feel safe. Don't be sad.

It made me smile. It wanted to be with me forever. It asked me to stay. I wanted to stay, didn't want to go back to the world of hurt, wanted it to keep making me smile. It was my friend. My only friend.

It all ended soon. I woke up to the sound of her voice. She told me to come to eat, I didn't want to, I wasn't hungry, I wanted to stay with it a little longer. I said I already ate, I lied. She believed me and walked away.

Later, she came to me again. It seems I had done something wrong. she was mad, yelling at me, saying I was too much, calling me a burden, calling me useless. It seems that the world is against me these days. I didn't answer her, I kept listening to all those things she was saying to me. I felt nothing, but it's fine. I'm fine.

Was it so wrong for me to wish for a normal life? Was it wrong to want happiness? I scoffed at the thought. That voice that had been whispering, was clearer now. "You don't deserve to be happy, you don't deserve anything, you don't deserve to be alive, you are better off dead." The voice was blunt and didn't hold back from the harmful words, even when I was crying an ocean.

I'm useless, I felt like a burden. Voices swarmed my head, they hurt. I was being called a freak, a burden, an attention seeker, a problem, a mistake, crazy. I felt like I was nothing. I felt small. I couldn't take it anymore.

It appeared to me, hugged me, and said come with me, I'll make you feel better. No, I answered, I'm fine. It looked at me concerned, aren't you tired of all of this? I hugged it back and cried. I wanted to feel happy again. The memories of my childhood flashed before me, I could see me smiling, running happily in the wind, playing in the rain, fooling with friends.

I felt weak and only got weaker and weaker as the seconds passed. It was there with me, holding my hand, smiling. We'll be together forever it said.

I turned to face the door. I saw you as you got home, you dropped everything on the floor, covered your mouth in shock, and ran towards me. You held my head, you were panicking, crying while saying something to me, but I couldn't hear you. I couldn't hear anything anymore. I could only see the room as it got darker, I saw your face as it faded.

It was too late. I was laying there, bathing in my own blood, calm like a motionless river.

I was tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of feeling numb, tired of being shot down, tired of being here, tired of fighting to get nothing, tired of everyone, tired of everything.

TIRED OF LIVING...

You watched me and cried as I gave out my last breath.