1 Chapter 1

There were two constants in my childhood: going to church every Sunday and arguments. It was mostly Dad and Leon who argued, but sometimes Dad would argue with Mama about Leon. Although, I guess he wasn’t so much arguing with her as he was loudly telling her what was wrong with my big brother and why he should have more respect for his family. Leon is a lot older than I am. He was ten when I was born. By the time I was old enough to sense the household tension, Leon was already well into his teens and was just as stubborn as Dad.

At church we were a normal family, except that Leon seemed even less interested than I, the squirmy preschooler, in what the preacher said, and he didn’t mingle with the others the way Mama and Dad did. Sometimes if our parents talked to the neighbors for too long, he’d vanish until it was time to leave then suddenly appear by the car. If Dad demanded to know where he had been, Leon would just say, “In the bathroom. Want details?” I thought it was funny, at least until it started another argument.

Usually Mama told me to go play in my room or outside whenever things heated up. She played music in hopes of drowning out the shouting so I couldn’t hear. At first, I thought it was normal and that everyone got louder as they grew older. When I first started going to daycare and noticed all the other families getting along, I started to wonder. I asked the other kids if their parents or siblings fought, and about what.

“Mommy gets mad at Daddy when he leaves dirty dishes in the sink.”

“Liz and Chelly fight over who gets the bathroom first in the morning.”

“Daddy yells at the TV a lot.”

Those were nice families though. I knew a few from around the neighborhood or played with them at the park. Dad and Leon were the only two there, if Mama ever convinced them to go together, who made a point of not looking at each other or speaking to each other in case they started arguing and made people stare. When Dad wasn’t there, Leon was just like any of the other big brothers or sisters who pushed their siblings on the swings or helped them climb up the ladder to the top of the slide. He let me sit on his shoulders while I played on the monkey bars until I was strong enough to pull myself across. “Jungle Joshy” he would call me.

Leon was different in general when Dad wasn’t around. Sometimes if Dad worked late, Leon would play with me while Mama made dinner. He taught me how to dance. He would turn on the radio and dance around the living room with me. He was really good. He could do turns on his toes and jump and spin in the air and do things that I, in the clumsiness of childhood, could never do. I tried every once in a while, but I usually ran into furniture and Mama would call out, “Joshua, did you bump your head on the sofa again?” or “Leon, please make sure Joshua doesn’t hurt himself.”

Then Dad would come home. I learned to listen for his car in the driveway, since that meant Leon would quickly turn off the music and grab a toy for me to play with instead. If he didn’t, Dad would come in and shout, “Goddammit, Leon! I told you I will NOT have that queer prancing in my house! You are corrupting your brother! I swear if he turns out like you I’m kicking you both out!”

Mama did her best to calm him down, but mostly I would have to go to my room again until things were quiet and dinner was ready. Either way, I never danced where Dad could see me, and neither did Leon.

When I was five and Leon was fifteen, things got even worse. Leon would disappear for hours at a time. If Mama asked or Dad ordered him to say where he was going and when he would be home, Leon would say, “I’m going out with friends, I’ll be home when I’m back.” Leon slammed the door a lot. It made Dad angry and he ranted off and on until Leon came home, then he’d switch back to shouting at him for a while.

By that age, I was curious as to what they argued about. No one else yelled as much as they did, not as far as I knew. After Mama shooed me into my room one day, I opened my door a crack and listened. They said some words I didn’t know, but just from the tone, I knew Dad was the angriest and Leon was the one fighting back.