"I'm so fucking tired." I let out a big long sigh, while staring to the busy street of Manila. I tossed my 20th bottle of beer and let it shattered all the way down in this rooftop. My knees were trembling in fear when I took another step. But it felt so good.
"You're not going to jump, are you?" my heart skipped a beat when I heard a voice.
I looked around but no one was there, except the cold breeze of air. Where the fuck did that voice came from? I was panicking at the same time nervous. I don't want to let somebody else see me jump. I don't want anybody feel worried about me. Or feel responsible for me.
My eyes are getting blurry, my head is already spinning. I want to end this misery all at once.
"your so selfish" I heard a voice again. I don't know if its a man or what.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" I swear there's no one beside me on this rooftop.
"you gave up so easily" I heard again, i turned around to see someone but i failed to see. I tried to blinked my eyes and rubbed it to see someone clearer. But still couldn't see clearer. It just made my head dizzy.
"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME!" I shouted. I turned my back and focused my self into this plan, but the voice keep on bugging me.
"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO LIVE!" I shouted again, but this time sobbing. But I'm okay. I swear I'm going to be okay after this.
"its going to be your fault if you jump." I heard the annoying voice again. Why does this shit just leave me alone!
"HOW IS IT MY FAULT, WHEN IM THE ONE WHO'S HURTING?" I said without turning around. It's so unfair. All I want was to be happy. Why is it so hard to be happy?
"People around you will blame —themselves after if you jump. You're not only taking the pain with you. Your passing it with them."
"I DON'T CARE. I'M SO OVER WITH THIS PAIN AND I WANT IT TO STOP. THEY'LL GET OVER ME SOON. THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ME. THEY SHOULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF ME WHEN I'M AROUND. THEY SHOULD HAVE ENCOURAGE ME TO LIVE WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT." I took another step. God please forgive me and please take me. please. I beg you to take me. I don't want to live anymore. I tried different methods but all of them failed me. please I want the pain to stop.
"but I care." I stopped. I smiled, it so nice to hear that someone here cared for me. at least once before I go. I wanted to say 'thank you' but I wanted to hear more. I wanted to feel alive before i go. Was it too much to ask?
"whenever you feel sad, I was there with you." The voice continued. "whenever you feel shit, I was there to accompany you. when you were so lost, I was there to navigate with you. whenever you feel like you don't know you anymore, I was there to remind you who you really are."
There, i was confused. Who is this?
"I love you." the voice stopped for a moment. "… and I will always be with you"
I closed my eyes let the tears fall down my cheeks. Man it's been so long to feel so important.
"I will never be tired loving you. Never." It felt so overwhelming to hear someone cared so much about me. I wish it was never to late.
"who are you" I asked, without turning my back. I don't need to see the voice's face. Besides I'll be gone soon. At least i know the voice's name.