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When I wake up again it's because there's enough light in my room for me to see clearly. My heavy curtains doing nothing against the bright of the day. It's only Sunday and there's nothing to do, as usual. 

I contemplate just laying in bed all day, but I don't feel like getting scolded by dad when he gets back. So I sit up even though the warmth of my covers seem even more inviting thanks to my cold room. I pull the covers off swinging my feet over the side of my bed. Now that there's light I can see my room clearly.

My tan curtains block out a lot of light, which I'm thankful for. As I assumed last night piles of clothes are scattered throughout the room. An empty shelf sits abandoned in the corner. I would fill it with books, but I'm too afraid that father would sell them to buy more booze. Me and Oli share a bunk bed that sits along the wall just past the door. our dressers are right next to each other on the opposite wall of our bed. The only clean thing in our room is the desk which has locked drawers to keep anyone but us out. On top is a good picture of the two of us and a lamp to help us see better at night when we did homework. I know that inside the drawers there are notebooks, music books, and the most precious thing to us, our journals.

We wouldn't take them anywhere in fear of someone seeing them and knowing our most precious thoughts and we keep them under lock so our father can't read them either.

I walk over to the desk and gently pick up the photo.

"Oli," I can't stop the tears from falling down my face so I place the photo face down and start cleaning up the clothes. At least I can take my mind off of Oli for a little bit.

Even after the room is cleaned I find myself wondering what my brother is doing. The more I think about him the more I can feel my emotions slipping away from me. The more numb I feel. The more lost I feel. I'm an aquarium with a hole at the bottom and all of my water is seeping out. My brother was the plug, but now that he's gone nothing is there to stop the water from leaking out. I walk over to the desk and carefully open the top left drawer. It's the drawer that I put my journal in and I'll make use of the time I have with dad being gone to write how I feel. At least then I can get something out before I become as numb as ice is cold.

Entry 50, Date:Xx/Xx/Xx

Oli left for school today. You know that stupid boarding school he has to go to now. It's only been a few hours since he left and I can already feel the difference between when he was here and now that he isn't. I'm sad. Numb. Cold. Lost. Dad won't get it and I already know that the kids at school hate me so I definitely won't go to them. I don't trust the teachers to do anything other than what they're paid to do, so they're out. Let's face it my brother was the only one I trusted enough to tell anything to. He was the only one to see me instead of the awkwardness that comes out around everyone else. He understood me and listened and he was my best/only friend. I hope that he is alright at this new school, cause while I do miss him. I worry about him more.

When the front door slams it brings me back into reality and I shove the journal back into my drawer; I'm careful to lock it after I'm done. 

The thromp of dad's footsteps echo throughout the house making him seem bigger and more monstrous than normal. I never used to worry before mom left. I didn't need friends because me and my family were so close, and dad looked happy, and Oli never got in trouble for me. But since she just up and left us everything changed. Dad's temper grew shorter and shorter. Oli started protecting me in school and getting himself in trouble for it. Then I started sinking lower into a pit of despair I couldn't even fathom escaping from, and the self isolation began. 

But even though I know I'm doing it and I know it's only hurting me. I can't make myself stop. I just keep letting myself continue to hurt me over and over again. Digging myself deeper into the pitt below.

I defeatedly trudge over to my bed and flop into it. Maybe if I die I won't burden everyone around me.

"Come back soon ya dork."

"Always."

    I can hear him saying he'll come back over and over again repeating in my head. I can't die now. When he comes back it'll be like a big slap in the face. Instead of waiting for him I left him, and nearly just as suddenly as mom had. I won't do that to him. I'll just have to deal with it. I'll have to deal with him being gone until he gets home.

My alarm beeps signalling that at some point I fell asleep while wallowing in despair and now it's time to go to school. Or as I like to call it: My personal hell. I don't fit in and it's very clear that no one even wants me there to begin with. So I try my hardest to just exist and not bring any attention to myself. I would normally change but no one will notice the difference anyways, so there's no point. I just grab my backpack from the corner and walk out of my room to wait for the bus. 

Walking through the hallway I'm just as careful as I was when me and Oli snuck out, only I don't stay close to the floor this time; I don't need to. Tentatively I make my way to the front door and gently open it to get a blast of cool air. The sun is nearly blinding and I have to shield my eyes so I can get adjusted to the change. I don't need to look at the time to know I'm early. I didn't change, I didn't eat, I just got up and left. So I let my eyes wander taking in the beauty of the morning.

The sunlight peaked through the leaves catsing a greener version after passing throught them. A soft breeze giving a welcome cool air and adding sound to the leaves beauty. The sidewalk is pristine, not a single crack or weed breaking it's perfect surface. A bench sits by a stop sign and once again I'm thankful for the seat. I sit and let the beauty of it all fill me with pleasure that way I can plaster on my usual smile and force myself to believe I'm happy.

I don't have a choice anymore. I tell myself. If I change then they'll realize that something's off and they'll worry. I don't need their pity or their worry. I just need to live long enough to be able to get out of this hell.

As the bus pulls up I'm wearing the same smile they all associate with me and I have everyone fooled. I'm so convincing that I nearly convince myself.