Wish we never were - 1

The beginning was an evening in November.

Anad readied dinner. Laid the woven bamboo mats on the terrace. Heaped the quilts so they would be warmed. Stood the short square table in the centre. The menu was pizza and soda. They had pizza and soda on the first date, which she said made for the perfect date. Tonight had to be as perfect as a date could be, and thus, it had to be pizza and soda.

As he waited, he let himself be lost in memories. He would have preferred the brighter happy memories, but the pull of the last few weeks was too great. They had always been on the same page. Even the inevitable arguments turned hilarious with their outlandishly different opinions. No one could believe they were fighting because they were laughing so hard. But there couldn't be another word for the last few weeks. They were fighting. The seed was sown in the last week of August.

"Hi"

The voice that couldn't be any more familiar startled him. The smile came on by itself, as did the glow in his eyes. The warmth he felt in his chest reminded him of how much he loved her.

He heard the hesitation in her voice, and the smile deepened. The smile told her, so he didn't have to, that it was fine.

"Sashi. Hi."

He laughed. She was confused.

"What?" She asked.

"Nothing," he answered.

"Come on. What?"

"You said hi. I said hi. Can you think back to the last time we actually said hi to each other? Thought it was funny."

She smiled a smile that was almost a laugh.

"Yeah. That is funny. Can you remember the last time when it was necessary?"

"The hi? No. Honestly, I can't."

And then, there was a pause. Brief. Uncomfortable. Very real.

"So, I got pizza and soda," he said, shaking his head and smiling in reminiscence.

"The perfect date," she said, smiling the same.

"Yeah. You remember."

"Can we forget?"

"San's pizza. By the corner outside of the second gate."

"Seven pm. After a particularly long day."

"Yeah. Prof Rufus is boring. And the history of the western desert is gruelling. A whole afternoon of the two is unquestionably too much."

"But that wasn't it, was it?"

"No."

"Of course not. It was your first date. The first time you asked a girl out to dinner. The first time you were embraced by romance."

"Well, that's not entirely true. The embrace of romance, I mean. The rest, very true."

"And I was nervous too. We were, we. So great together. And we were taking a big step. Had to be nervous."

"And so the day had to be so much longer too."

"But that was the yummiest pizza, ever."

"We've got the very same tonight too. And a lot more soda, since our night's going to be so much longer too."

There was the pause again.

"About that," she began to say.

He couldn't let her finish.

"Let's eat," he cut in. "Pizza. It's still hot. Don't we both like it better hot."

"Anad."

"Please. Let's eat. We'll talk after," he begged.

Tears were dancing brightly in his eyes. He had an inkling of what she was going to say, and he couldn't let her.

It's just a fight, he told himself. Nothing to worry about. Nothing at all too serious.

She cried, unable to rein in the tears. She loved him, could read his mind. It was just a fight. Nothing at all too serious. But it was the two of them. It was about how the fight came to be. And that, was as serious as serious could be.

"I'm sorry."

She apologised from the door. She hadn't walked a step from the door since the beginning. She couldn't. Only now did he see.

"Why?"

She hesitated, breathing deep and slow while gathering her scattered courage. She spoke in a voice that was like a stranger's.

"I hate it. I hate us fighting over someone else. I hate where I am. I hate what I'm feeling. As far back as I can remember, I've always known, believed, love was simple. I'd meet someone. Make friends. Grow closer slowly. Realise I'm in love. Confess. Get accepted. And that's it. And it was just like that. We met. Literally crashed into each other. Laughed. Introduced ourselves. Became friends. Grew closer. Grew inseparable. Fell in love. Were happy. And that was that. That was how it was supposed to be. But why did this have to happen?"

She broke down. Couldn't stay up on her feet. Fell down, resting on the ground for support.

He was startled. Not far from her, he too fell. He was on his knees, leaning forward on his palms rooted on the ground. This wasn't the Sashi he knew. The girl he was friends with and fell in love with was endlessly cheerful. No matter what, her lips were always curled in a smile and her eyes were always bright with hope. She was incredibly strong. The Sashi in front of him was someone else entirely. He hated that. Hated that she was reduced to this. Hated that her suffering was so great. Hated that she was so distant from him.

"It's fine," he said weakly. "It's really okay. It's just a fight. All couples go through it. We'll work it out, together. We'll be fine as long as we're together."

She shook her head.

"How can we be together with me feeling like this? No. That's not fair. That's not love."

"What are you saying," he asked, in a trembling voice.

She didn't answer immediately. Not because she couldn't or because she didn't have the answer. She had come ready. He could see that in her eyes. There was only one thing for him to do. Wait. And the wait was long.

"I don't know," she said in the end.

"Don't know," he repeated, weakly, in a mocking tone.

"I don't," she repeated. "I just know I hate this. Makes me wish we never were."

He froze. The words were knives that cut deep into him.

She wanted to take back the words almost immediately after voicing them. She looked at him, and froze. Her head exploded. What had she done? She couldn't be here, not after that. She had to run away, as far as she could. She had to turn back time, take back the words. But she couldn't even lift herself off the ground. Then, he laughed.

It was a laugh without a shred of humour. It was instead filled with pain and disbelief and was so very dark.

"No," he said weakly, though the laugh. "Of course, no."

There was something about his voice that was cold and sliced through her. She was trembling, wanting to ask him to stop, wanting to apologise. But she was frozen.

"Okay," he said in the same dead voice. "If that's what you want."

"No," she screamed, unable to let him continue. "No, that's not what I want. That's not what I mean. I just wish I never went to that party. I wish I remained blind. I wish it continued to be just us. You and I. I wish I could redo tonight. I wish I could start over. Make everything right."

He smiled, relieved. If it was just tonight, he could give her that.

"Let's eat," she said.

He nodded. But neither moved. Because neither could.

They looked at each other. Burst out laughing even as the tears fell.

"I'm sorry," she said.

She forced herself to her feet. Stood staring at him. Apologised again. Turned around. Ran back down and out.

He remained fallen. Not knowing how long after, he wiped away the tears. Smiled. Whispered to himself.

"Just tonight I can give. I can give you your redo."

Laughing at himself like he would at a fool, he fell to his back. He lay looking up at the starless sky.