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*Beep* *Beep* *Beep* *Bee-*
The sound is brought to an abrupt stop as I press the Cancel button on my phones alarm.
I take in a deep breath staring at my plain white ceiling with nothing but a simple elephant tapestry, it reminds me of myself.
Out of place.
I sit up straight mentally preparing myself for the day, I started breathing exercises recently my therapist tells me it'll help sort my thoughts. That's one thing I can't stand about therapy, they don't listen when I tell them that I don't have trouble sorting out thoughts.
I've always been more level headed, calm, decisive, and clear minded than most my age and even to an extent older than I myself am. Though I hate myself for it, everyone looks at me different for it... even my family.
Everyone calls me "Deadpanned" and says things like "You should smile more." or "Why are you so gloomy?", I can't really understand their thought processes, I don't understand how they can come to the conclusion that I am sad despite showing no emotion other than apathy and feint smiles.
I don't understand.
Maybe that's what makes me so uneasy, I can't seem to understand anyone else. I get them on a funds mental, I know what is happening and the basics of why. But I'll never truly understand the people themselves or how they come to the realization that what they are doing is best or correct.
I see the world through this almost monochromatic filter, and though this sounds dramatic it almost feels like there's no color in life. I don't mean that as in metaphorically for emotion, I mean I don't perceive emotions how others do. I have my own way of seeing them, I try to visualize them some people colors are dull, worn out, almost faded as if they are on the brink of losing tone.
Some are grey, they seem as though they are happy, lively, and contempt with life. Yet I know different, really they are just like everyone else... tired, ready to give up.
Some are black and white, they don't exhibit this desire to be wanted, they don't yearn for approval, and they don't pretend to be happy or satisfied. They merely react to the situation as they truly feel, and when they aren't in a situation requiring a reaction or invoking one, they are just blank.
I'm black and white.
Ever since I was about 8 years old I've seen the world this way. At first it was slow, colors started to dull and disappear, people became easy to read yet hard to actually connect with and understand. I tried telling everyone what I was seeing and what was happening to me.
None believed me.
Well, now that I'm a tad older in retrospect I wouldn't believe me either.
The one "Ray of sunshine" in all of this, everyone's eyes are vibrant, it's the only part of this world that pops. it feels as though I can see their very soul in their eyes, they glow so brightly it stuns me no matter how many times I see that same light burn in all of their eyes.
But not mine.
I suppose I should get back to the important things, I apologize for straying from the day so much, I get so lost in these beautiful trains of thought that it feels almost ethereal at times.
I finished my meditation and decided to take a morning shower, side note I like cold showers. not because of health benefits or any silly stuff, I like them because no matter how tired, awake, scared, anxious, or any other state of mind I'm experiencing, cold water will pull me back to earth and get me up for the day.
I get done showering, brush my teeth and use mouth wash while my hair is drying. After that I head downstairs to my room to get clothes on, boxer briefs, grey sweatpants, grey tracksuit style jacket, grey socks and shoes, and of course I put in my contacts.
After that my hair is done drying so I can apply styling gel, comb it back, and put in light hair spray. My hair is medium length with my bangs reaching the bottom of my nose sides being relatively short but around 1 and 1/4 inch, and the top being 3-4 inches. I slick my hair back almost like I'm doing something important.
I get my bag and charger, and head out the door to walk to school.