Liberally loving a Conservative

I was divorced mother of two girls 15 and 2. After a 14 year marriage and Rocky year I decided I was ready to settle down. I had been working full time as a hairdresser for a salon chain and had been living quite the wild life. Trying to cope with the divorce and raising a teen and a toddler on my own wasn't easy but I was determined to show everyone that I could. I was seeking love online desperately trying to find the one that I wanted to settle down with. I wanted a husband after all I only knew how to be a wife and Mom. I went on a few dates and not all were terrible but nobody fit me. Online dating is weird you have Joe the Cop that thinks every woman wants him and Steve the bartender who drinks more than his wages, Bill the scorned divorced father of three that won't shut up about his ex and how she took him for everything he had and he coincidentally lost his seasonal job at the same time she made partner at the biggest law firm in town. The bad part about online dating is that mostly married men were the ones who would contact me. I hated to admit that this intrigued me because my divorce was the outcome of an adulterous affair. While I didn't like what these men were doing it gave me some sick satisfaction. I could see what it felt like to be the other woman and it gave me a chance to build the ego of these disgusting jerks who thought they could have their cake and eat it too. It became a game to me I was in control for the first time in my life and I could run the show. They were putty in my hands. I could build them up and make them think I was hot for them and then let them down telling them to go home to their wife and kids. Well that was the plan but what really happened was a different story. I have a big heart and a naive mind. One guy actually broke down and begged me to just talk to him because his wife didn't understand him. He was practically in tears he poured his heart out to me and then I found myself telling him things that were on my heart. I opened up to him and it felt good. Things were good until I went to his gorgeous home and saw the pictures of his family on his walls. He had a gorgeous wife and two beautiful children. The All American family. I felt bad I was in this family home and all I could think of was how lucky this man and woman were to have everything I ever dreamed of. I wondered what drove them to this season in their lives ? This is where I should have stopped everything. Nothing happened that day but a few days later he called me and asked me if he could come over for a haircut on my day off. I reluctantly obliged. He wasn't an overly attractive fella but a tall lanky yet handsome store manager type. When he arrived at my townhouse I let him in and I preceded to perform the service that he had requested, The haircut. As I had him sit down, I put the cape on him and I started to cut his hair. He asked me to stop and wanted to look at my face he kissed me. I knew then that there was no going back. I had started something I couldn't stop. We continued the haircut and when I was finished we headed to the bedroom where things moved very fast. I had no time to think it was all or nothing. I wanted it all. I wanted to be the mistress I wanted the thrill of not getting caught and I didn't have to fall in love. It was going to be a one time thing and that was it. It happened and it was over no more wondering no more anger. I was getting over being lied to and cheated on. I was no longer going to be a scorned ex wife. I was wrong! After "It" was over I felt so much guilt! Who was I? I didn't even know how I let this happen! I let myself down and worse of all I let down every married woman! This man Said felt bad too. He told me so I'm the days and months that followed when he called every single day to make sure I was taking my birth control and that I was never going to contact his wife. We both said we should never had done that and I promised him I was fine and we could just forget it all. I eventually had to block his number. As a Christian I often wonder if he ever confessed to his wife that he made a mistake and slept with another woman? I doubt it but I hope so because I know all to well that the guilt will stay with him forever and even now as I type this I still feel like I am writing about someone else! I hope and pray that he no longer takes his marriage vows for granted. I'll find out later how admitting and repentance can be grace and make a marriage stronger. This part of my life would be important to me than I could have imagined but you're going to read more about that later.