Let me hold you

I am searching for some familiarity in the man before me. I don't know what I am looking for; maybe the cocky grin he used to flash when he talked dirty, the twinkle in his eyes whenever he looked at me, the warmth and kindness he used to have whenever he was near me, or the man I loved once. Gone was that good man, gone was that man I loved. Instead, I was looking at a man with rugged features, stoic expression, and clenched fists.

So I took it on myself to make this better for one last time.

"We can pretend," I said; my voice is thick with emotion that I highly doubt if he heard me.

"What?" He questioned.

"Can we just pretend that we are a couple on honeymoon who visited their favorite city? We will go and buy drinks and eat and sleep. Let's just pretend that we are too exhausted from this whole trip. So we cannot make love tonight. So we simply sat here looking at the sea without thinking about the past or future. Can we do that?" I ask him.

For the first time after meeting him now, I saw his eyes soften. I could almost see a painful expression flashing in his eyes for a few seconds which he immediately masked with his usual blank face. I wish I could read his mind.

"Yes." He said. "We can do that."

So we sat there on the beach one foot apart, looking at the waves pretending that when we go back, we would be together.

Every inch of my body craved his touch. I wanted to be held in his arms and I am sure he feels the same. After a year of torment, all we need is each other, and that's exactly what we were supposed to avoid- each other.

I saw the cruise coming in the distance. Its sound made me flinch.

I looked at him in fear. I don't want this silent honeymoon to end so soon. Even if we don't talk, touch or do anything, I need his presence and I know that he needs me too. His face revealed no pain nor relief or happiness. It was nothing. He became something he wasn't, and it pains me to watch him like that.

Once he was sure that the cruise was reaching the shore, he got up, dusting off his jeans. "We can stop pretending now." He says and I saw how hard it was for him to say that in his eyes. I don't know if I wanted to read his mind anymore.

I got up beside him. He turned towards me; his hands shoved into his pockets. "Go back to your life, Jela." He says calmly. "Go back to hating me." He has no idea how much I miss the sound of my name coming from his mouth.

He is no more ordering things as he did before. He is pleading.

Tears rolled in my eyes as I hit him on his chest, "Why?" I ask him.

I hit him again, and he lets me. He neither reacted nor said anything. "Why?" I cried. "Come with me."

He removed his hands from his pockets to clasp them behind him and stood as firmly as before. He averted his gaze and a tiny teardrop fell on the side of his cheek. I know this was torture for him too.

"Please, come with me," I beg him, stepping close to clutch his shirt. I could feel the heavy rise and fall of his chest. I could feel his warmth, his scent, and him. How can I ever leave him behind and go back to normal? It is terrifying.

"Please."

He pressed his lips tightly, sucking them in. Then he grips my hands in his tightly without looking at me. "You know I can't." He says. It came out as a whisper.

"I can't do this either," I tell him. "It was so hard for me to go through the pregnancy alone. Every second, I wish you were there with me even though I believed that you were a monster. Our son, he.." I stuttered at my words. Because I am weeping. I could no longer hold the pain back. "He cries all night. I don't know if I am capable of looking after him alone. I need you, please. I need you, I nee....you, please."

He squeezes his eyes shut, and I saw his pain rolling down. But he succeeded in hiding them.

He held my arm and walked towards the shore, "You will leave now and you will never come back." He said.

"Will I know if anything happens to you?" I ask him.

Silence.

"I hate you." I cried, trying to get away from his grip. "I hate you. I hate you so much." I cried.

But he continued walking me to the shore. The cruise stopped, and Ridge immediately jumped from it. He ran towards me to take me into his arms, "I am here. You are safe." He keeps saying.

I looked at the man who is letting me go. Hurt, jealousy, pain, and anger are visible in his eyes. But he didn't say anything and turned around to go to his destination, his fate, while he left me to my own fate.

"Wait," I shouted after him. "I deserve a proper goodbye."

He turned around and took three long strides, and he was with me in two seconds. His lips crashed on mine, taking me into a fierce kiss. I could taste the tears; his or mine. I don't care. I pull him close to kiss him deeply. I wish this is our reality, not goodbye. For a second I am not aware of anything in the world but him. As his soft lips moved on mine, his hands circled my waist, a small hope was planted inside me. He kissed me hard, kissed me softly, kissed me deeply, kissed me every way he could. Once again reality hit us hard. This is goodbye. I could feel that in his kiss.

He seems angry and hurt. "You will be a great mom. You will leave now and don't turn back." He ordered. "Promise me that." He asked desperately.

I nod my head. "I also promise you that I'll make sure that our son knows how amazing his father is and how much he loves him, that he is the strongest, and bravest person I have ever met."

I took his face in my palm. "Even though he will never meet you, I'll make sure he knew everything about you, I promise you that."

He nods his head with eyes full of tears. He tilted his head to kiss my palm.

He asked me to do the hardest thing. I can't help but look back at him from the cruise. He was where I left him. His back is towards me. As we moved farther from him, I saw his knees buckling and he fell onto the ground. He is breaking down there and the same thing happened to me. I broke down, crying hard. Ridge starts to rub my back to ease me whispering soothing words in my ears. But none of them can reduce the weight in my chest unless the man beside me is the man I left behind.

It is so cruel that we loved each other so much and were forced to fall apart.