15 The Guilt Ridden

The early rays of sun were filtering into the living room of the apartment through the balcony and Kian was standing there with a cigarette in his hand, bent on the railing. Maybe it was the morning breeze or his sickness he thought, that he felt like his body was freezing. His hand, slightly shaking, brought the cigarette to his mouth and pressed it tightly against his lips. He exhaled the smoke, leaving a tiny cloud of smog around him. His left foot was restlessly tapping against the floor while he blankly stared at the view in front of him.

"How come you're up this early?", A familiar sound came from behind, out the blue, scaring him a little. He turned around and saw Will walking towards him. "Huh? Yeah, I couldn't sleep", he replied. "Are you smoking? Is something bothering you?", Will asked worriedly. Kian turned away from him and took another puff instead of answering his question. "Is this about the installment? I told you last night, we'll figure something out", Will said, leaning his head onto his shoulder. "It's not that", Kian answered, "I fear that they'll find out that I'm an omega and then they'll push us harder for the money and maybe even try to, take advantage or something". "What are you talking about? They know about me and Allis and they seem fine", Will chuckled slightly. "I never told them, that's why", Kian said under his breath. "What?", Will took his head off of the shoulder to see the expression on Kian's face, hoping it was joke. "I couldn't have, they would've never lent me the money, I said I was beta and that you two are with me, I never told them you were omegas", Kian confessed. "Jesus Kian! How could you do that? We could've looked for some other way. What if they hurt us if they find out?", Will rebuked. "I don't know, okay?", Kian replied with just as much frustration in his tone.

The two stood there for a minute silently, staring at each other. "Things were different back then, I thought I could do it by myself, I thought I'll work day and night to pay it off, I didn't know that I was an omega and that things will come crashing down like this", Kian tried to explain. Will however continued to look at him angrily, "You could've told me about this earlier you know?", he chided. "I'll fix it, I promise", Kian tried to reassure.

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After Kian's uncle visited, Elian spent the rest of the day in his mother's library reading and skimming through the collection of her books and photo albums. For years he had hesitated to step into this part of the mansion, but yesterday he gathered enough courage to do so. He had thought that coming here would break down his composure completely as if it was just yesterday that he lost his mother, but on the contrary he felt relieved.

He woke up that morning to find himself on the floor surrounded by piles of books. He sat up and heard someone walk up to the room, "Did you seriously sleep in here?", asked the voice behind him. He turned his head and saw Irene standing at the entrance, "Yes, hard to believe I could even walk in here without completely losing it", he replied. Irene walked inside and started picking up the books from floor.

Elian looked at her and felt like he owed her an apology. "You were right, I do want to let go", Elian admitted apologetically, "But it might take some time", he said with his head down. Irene walked closer and sat next to him. "I know, but I'm glad about your decision", she patted his back. "I did something wrong", he confessed like a child. "You mean the boy? Kian?", she asked and he nodded in reply. "Well, what made you realize?", she chuckled. "His uncle dropped by yesterday, he made me realize that suffering has made me so selfish that I've become indifferent to the pain of others", he spoke from his heart, "I don't know what I should do, it feels like something is stuck in my throat but I don't know what to do about it". Irene smiled, "Maybe an apology would help", she suggested. Elian looked at her and smiled back. He thought maybe he wouldn't be forgiven for what he said and did, but it'll definitely lighten his guilt.

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Elian parked his car by the promenade and stepped out holding a bouquet of white tulips. It was a warm but windy afternoon by the coast, the sun was shining right over his head, baking his ash blonde hair. He looked around the area, there were a few shops and restaurants that appeared to him somewhat run down, and at a distance there was a low rise sprawl of shabby buildings. Feeling skeptical of the area, he reached his phone and confirmed the address that he had searched off of the internet.

After some struggle he finally managed to locate the building he came looking for. He noticed a blue board saying 'Noah Henderson Children's Asylum" in big letters, in front there was a tiny lawn where a few kids were sitting around, playing and chasing one another. He hesitantly stepped inside through the wooden door that was partially closed. He approached a middle aged woman sitting on a desk near the main door, "Excuse me, I'm looking for Kian", the woman gave him a blank stare as if she didn't understand the language and Elian realized he's asking the wrong person. "Alright, do you know where I can find Mr. Henderson?", he asked again. "Oh! Umm...he's busy with the kids inside, I'll call him you should wait in his office, right there", she said pointing to the chamber a few steps away.

As he waited, he couldn't help but think about what kind of reaction his apology would receive, especially since Kian has never been particularly fond of him. But at the very least he'll get to move on and live normally once again, he thought. Suddenly he heard the door open and the man he had talked with yesterday barged in and his eyes landed directly onto Elian who was standing by his desk, his eyes scanned the blond from top to bottom. "What a surprise seeing you here!", he exclaimed, faking the enthusiasm in his tone. "Uhh…I wanted to see Kian", he replied timidly. The man didn't reply for a few seconds. "I'm sorry but I don't think that is a very good idea", the man responded. "I'm not here to cause any trouble, I just wanted to apologize to him about what I said that day", Elian said in an earnest voice.

Levi looked at him suspiciously, it was highly abnormal for someone of his status to even visit such neighborhoods, let alone propose to make reparations with someone who is considered conventionally inferior to him . "Look, if you're here to seek revenge for what I said yesterday you don't need such an elaborate bluff", he said indifferently. "I have no reason to seek revenge from you, I might be vain but I'm not cruel", Elian stated. "I never realized until yesterday that I'm not the only one suffering, I couldn't notice anyone's pain until he came along", one couldn't help but believe his candor. "But he doesn't live he-", before the sentence could be completed the door opened again and to both of their surprise Kian walked in.

"Uncle Lee I wanted to-", his eyes landed on Elian, leaving him utterly shocked. "What the fuck is he doing here?, Kian burst out. "Language Kian! Calm down, he came looking for you", Uncle Lee scolded, although he had been expecting Kian to show up there to get his stuff he didn't think it would be now. "And you let him in? What made you think I'll be willing to see him?", Kian questioned furiously. "He just wants to talk Kian", he walked towards the door, "I'll get your things, just get this over with and I'll make sure he leaves". "But I don't-", "Just give him a minute", Kian tried to protest but Uncle Lee insisted.

As soon as the two were left alone the room fell dead silent as if no sound existed. "You have a minute and then I'll leave", Kian warned with a frown on his face. Elian's heart began pacing all of a sudden, he realized he hadn't prepared for this moment. Looking at Kian, standing right in front of him, his brain had gone blank.