Late night thoughts with Frank

Thoughts

There is something amazing about sleeping with someone in bed, the only time it's happened that I remember feeling great after was with *****. Not only was it sleeping with her after having fun earlier but there was something about her laying on my arm and the second night I was hugging her from behind, but just knowing someone was there might've been what really the difference was because the bed was not comfortable at all it was a couch that went flat for two people but I don't think I've ever slept better than those two nights, especially the first night. I just want to be able to sleep in a bed with someone and relax. That's one thing that makes me nervous not out loud because I don't think I would ever tell anyone but I do get nervous that I will be completely alone all my life. This isn't even a pity party or overreacting I genuinely think I might be alone because in the almost 20 years alive I've been close to a few women but all were friends with benefits which were not bad in any sense but there was absolutely no connection besides wanting to have fun but I also want there to be someone who I can be myself around all the time but I can also be closer with. I can't believe I'm almost 20 and I've never dated anyone. I don't think there is anyone I know who would be willing to date me. I struggle with myself because I let things that I have no control over affect me greatly. Two people I wanted to date one of whom has a boyfriend I just learned about and the other is trying to date, my problem is upon hearing this I get jealous, I have no idea why. I have no reason to because I am not with either but the thought of one of the few people I could get close to not being able to get close to me the same way scares me maybe. I'm not sure what I'm feeling, I try and keep bad thoughts out of my head and it works most of the time but sometimes they pop out of nowhere and when then come they stay for a while and it limits what I do unless I have something else take primary focus in my mind.

Cheers to everyone who read this, hope you have a better birthday month than me, and if not I hope you find solace in the fact that there is someone else who can relate to what you might be going through.