3 Thoughts are dangerous

Nothing last. Not my salvation. Not happiness. Not money. Not even relationships. Nothing. We are under the false pretence of hope that they do. Eventually...even if not sudden it will perish. This was definite. The unwritten rule of life--no--the unwritten rule of being human. Being human meant being empty, and by that definition, I was the most human or at least an empty husk of one. My humanity kept me up at night and woke me in the morning. Today was no exception.

I spent the entire night...thinking. Thinking about questions I did not know the answer to. Difficult questions such as "Why do I do what I do?" To be frank I do not know. I do not know why I do what I do. I do not understand myself. Any attempt I tried to make I quickly dismissed. I did not want to know. My desire to reject myself outweighed my curiosity, because I knew something, the only thing I knew about myself, the sad truth; I feared myself the most.

Later that night I woke to a cold sweat. For a couple of seconds I was paralysed fully. My body shuddered in fear. My throat was dry and so was my voice. I felt suffocated. The sensation of fear overwhelmed me. Tears ran down my face like rain on a window seal. The tears lasted a good ten minutes. When they subsided I was determined to figure the cause. After much detective work I came to a conclusion. I wasn't crying because of the fear. No! Something completely different. I assure you the tears were brewed from a sense of hopelessness. I felt hopeless.

"Good morning sweetie" a familiar voice said. It was my mother. Jubilant as ever...ignorant as ever. She tried so desperately to convince me everything was alright. To her dismay it was hopeless. My mentality was crooked, melded from years of pessimism, it was unchanging and one thing was for certain, no level of optimism could change it.

"Morning" I responded without emotion. Neutral. Lacking apathy and empathy.

"Breakfast is ready. Oatmeal the way you like it"

"Okay"

"Oh---one more thing! DON'T BE LATE FOR SCHOOL! I bet you having people waiting for you" she said with a smile. I replied with a smirk. People only knew about my existence because of the wheelchair. My identity was a guy in a wheelchair. Ignorance was a bliss. Ignorance also made one capable of making insensitive comments. On that note I left for school, uncertain what it had in store for me.