2 My Impatient Self

I just hold my screams into my pillow, if I let them out. I know people would be concerned.

I remember, my loudest scream. I was in so much pain. My throat hurt after, and I had so many tears. Snot was running down my nose.

I looked in the mirror and my orange hair was so bright. I hated seeing myself. With my glasses and the problem of them fogging up, from my tears. I always hated looking in the mirror, it reminded me of my insecurities. My head hurt from all the crying, and I felt sick. I wiped my face and pretended to be okay. My eyes were red and full of pain. They were blood shot, and I didn't care. I couldn't hide how red my eyes were, so what's the point. I just put on my headphones, I wrote down lyrics, on a piece of paper. I was thinking about trashing it later.

You never notice, how much I care.

Music stuck in my head, thinking about you.

Stuck in a rotation, head spinning.

Through panic to love, trying to forget.

I would spend every second, minute, hour.

You love someone else don't you?

My heart shattered, and I am spinning.

I only smile, looking for you.

Dust in the wind, I would fight.

Do I continue?

My head is spinning. I am sorry,

I am a bother.

My head is spinning, my head is spinning listening to the music on repeat.

I am a hopeless romantic, looking at romantic movies.

Thinking of you.

I remember how much pain, I felt writing this. Every word, tears came from my eyes. I couldn't help it, I was thinking about how much my eyes hurt, wiping the tears. All alone, no one around me. No one that would care to check, and I just thought.

How misleading romantic movies are, and growing up. You thought someone would get on their knees, and hold your hands not wanting you to leave. You have those movies, where the prince proposes, and the princess says yes. Just looking him in the eyes, and the princess saying,"I finally found my Prince Charming." She says so soft, I remember how I hated Disney movies. I disliked them for many reasons, they had a message. That you need your Prince Charming to save you.

I never wanted to be a princess, I just didn't feel like one. I would always hate wearing dresses when I got into HighSchool. Then I came out to my family, that I was non-binary. It was hard explaining, how I felt. Cause it was a feeling, almost like an instinct. I always, have to had a weight on me. It felt so heavy and every second. It feels like I can't breathe. My anxiety was reckless, and choose violence. It choose to make me angry, and now I have to figure out a way to control this beast.