Time of suffering

As months passed by it affected me as I felt painful when working on my right arm. I felt the lump and it's hard! I can't believe I have this again after nearly 20 years back when I was only in my teens... Anyway, discussed with my boyfriend and he told me don't wait any longer and to get it checked. I was working as a supervisor at that time and it was quite difficult to find time to go to the clinic to get it checked. Finally I managed to squeeze in some time from my busy schedule. By then, it's already nearly end of the year...

I also received bad news about my grandma had final stage of lungs cancer. She was given 6 months to live. She was admitted into hospital for few times cause of fluids in her lungs which made her unable to breathe easily. She also had not so nice helper, we (my extended family and myself) can't wait to change to another one, preferably a Philipino lady.

The polyclinic referred me to go for ultrasound and x ray. The doctor then gave a referral letter to NUH breast centre for further checks on this matter. My mind was racing, not sure what it is, plus year end programme is a plenty when it comes to dealing in a childcare setting. I was assigned to a breast care surgeon for this. He told me I need to go for a biopsy and I just realized that I'm in charge for Christmas celebration... When I have a staff meeting with my teachers, they can tell me off by saying to postpone the biopsy appointment. One of them said, "it's only an appointment, can postpone it. School matters first!" I was WTF!! I told her, " You're not in my position ok? I can't just postpone it..." Then she told me that she still come to school even when she's having severe stomach pain. She said that even her stomach ruptured, she waited for the next available person to clock in then head to hospital. Sheesh! Hello, you don't have a family, don't have a child who is schooling and an elderly who stays with her...

The week before my biopsy appointment, the weekend, OMG I'm so in pain. I can't take it and my boyfriend told me "I'm bringing you to A&E now! Whether you like it or not! You don't need to care about work.... your health is more important and you're my girl. I don't wanna lose you!" So then, he literally dragged to the hospital and after seeing the doctor, he gave a week MC. He said that I need to rest and don't be stressed about work. I sent a snapshot of the MC and my staff not liking it at all. Saying, I'm not responsible, etc.

Finally, I had my torture of biopsy. It was quite painful even though they gave medicine to numb that area... The results will be out in 2 weeks time. By then it's year 2017.

1st week of new year, didn't really enjoy it as not sure what will the results would be. So just when I reached to hospital, I received a text message saying I've another appointment, I wonder what is it. When I reached to the registration counter, I asked the nurse, "May I know what is my next appointment is all about?" The nurse said, please proceed to level 10 Cancer centre to see the oncologist. I paced up and down started to message my boss saying I was further referred to an oncologist. I also message in the family what's app group chat stating that I need to go some further checks with an oncologist will update everyone later. My mind was like, it can't be! I'm only 28 & my son is only 8 years old, still schooling how could this be?? My boyfriend went with me and was calm the whole time while receiving this new bomb from the breast care surgeon. I was like no... I can't take this! I confirmed with my doctor & was so devastated about this. I can't really think straight, as my mind was a blank. I went to the next level to see the oncologist. Man.... he's damn gorgeous and handsome! It ease a little when he talked and even touched me... He explained it very confidently and didn't rushed so that we understand what is going on. He said I need to go for bone test, CT scan and blood test before starting with the therapy needed.

1st week of the year, busy with all these and work. A day at work then next day went for scans and test. Results day have arrived and this time round, my parents came with me to meet my oncologist. They were very pleased and satisfied with his patience in explaining the current situation. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer Stage 2. My oncologist told us that he'll arrange chemotherapy straight away, in fact the next day and not waiting any longer. But before that, he did asked for any medical history and requested me to do a genetic testing to see if it's genetic. I told him, I've almost everyone have either breast cancer, stomach cancer, colon cancer, lung cancer... not only that, also have high blood pressure, diabetics, and also high cholesterol. I told him that I'll do genetic testing later.

My dad accompanied me for my 1st ever chemotherapy. I even had my beanie on just for in case. Took a photo of my 1st session. Feeling excited about it in a way. Just imagine this, go in, waiting for the medicine to be ready. It takes awhile for the medicine to run... in fact it was at least half the day had gone because of the waiting, the poking and the resting time. I fell asleep not long after the medicine was running into my veins. The chemotherapy was in IV drips. I was seated on a reclining chair for me to rest and also warm nice and clean blankets to keep me warm.

The next day my dad to travel overseas for his job. My boyfriend didn't showed any expression when he left to work that day. I wonder why. Will he stay with me throughout this journey? I can take it anymore... Days had passed and he still not talking to me. Is he tired? Is he upset about me?