Overture: Thousand Impossible Missions/Chapter 1: Мой брат Каин/Chapter 2: Šumadijan Terror

Welcome back guys, Zlatan here from yet another successful impossible mission of avoiding persecution at the Hague Tribunal, I swear I won't make too many of these jokes, but I won't promise that either.

It is ya boy, Banan named Zlatan, and today we are visiting childhood before it turned to shit due to elementary school, playing a video game from 1998, Furry Jackrabbit 2, where we are cast as the biggest Serbian nationalist from Florida, Zdenko Kotromanić, trying to prevent Brad Pitt from filming yet another shitty sequel to franchise Mission Impossible and save him from his roles.

In this psyops of a clusterfuck, we will fight many nationalities, such as Victor Hugo, French people, Italian people, Angolese, Russians, and residents of Hell called California.

Hollywood is known as being a shitty place to work, and many people are sexually harassed for fucked up paychecks and traumatized so hard that they don't even believe in their own words once they openly speak about it.

It is our task to prevent this from happening during the production of Mission Impossible, and our green Floridian furry, Zdenko Kotromanić will have to face many challenges such as Ćele Kula, Louisiana swamp, Italo-French sewers, and other various environments while trying to find his waifu of life.

I swear this isn't the author's poorly hidden fetish.

So strap in, and pucker your lips because that movie director isn't going to kiss himself, and you will not be asked.

Alec Baldwin your gears, and shoot at that motherfucker, because Zlatan is approaching rapidly to that Kosovar village, and he isn't going to sing nice Albanian songs.

Doom OST is his aura, and it has malicious intent.

„ZLATAN, YOU HAVE TO SURRENDER! HAGUE HAS YOU SURROUNDED!"

„CAIN WAS FUCKING RIGHT!"

CHAPTER 1

Welcome everyone, Zlatan finally managed to Paul Allen the entire fucking village, and our furry hero Zdenko Kotromanić has been trapped inside Ćele Kula.

This Ottoman relic consisting of Serbian skulls is kind of a nice place, but my nationalistic ass doesn't support the existence of this.

Fueled by rage, a laser gun, and bouncing balls of steel that are running around.

Oh God, what have I done?

After carefully platforming around, finding strange pink and green jewels in hidden rooms where we find a Catholic priest educating a very young boy about a fountain of youth, Brian Dog From Family educates us on the principle of atheism and we run him over with a car.

Then, we learn that in this Ćele Kula building resides two types of enemies: Steve Jobs and Elon Musk, one being a turtlelike creature, and the latter one being a small little bitch that spits fire and burns everything he touches.

Soon after that, we managed to get out of Mr. Musk's Wild Ride of running down Tesla to the ground, and we found the deceased bodies of Steve Jobs.

We are guessing that he was assassinated by Bill Gates because as it turns out, he died due the complications with PC.

Many Lara Croft types of shit later, blue jewels are found and now we have enough money to bribe another furry that is following us for some ungodly reason, and then we are teleported somewhere that shilled me to the bad bone.

Trapped inside a claustrophobic room, we must rob this place to the brim, get superhero powers, and buy us time to find a way out of this Ćele Kula.

There are portraits of deceased Serbian politicians, noticeably Slobodan Milošević, so we shoot it as every sane person should.

Entering another complex level of Ćele Kula, we managed to escape from the wrath of Tesla and Apple, trying to bite us and granate us using their stupid car designs.

Sneakily and steadily, we get past them using an alternative route, completely managing not to get 5 dollars to buy a commission from this furry artist, where I ordered my new fursona, green rabbit with Rambo outfit.

I tried to do another route so god damn hard, but the platforms of Ćele Kula aren't working that way.

You have to use your brain to mutilate the surroundings around you.

SANU will hate us, but it is what it is.

Following roads and managing not to get fucked by scary creatures that are roaming through the search history of rule 34, in front of us stands two columns, one shorter than the other, offering a passage with a note saying:

„Those without girl bosses, do not pass."

„Well Mr. Sign, first off, I cannot fucking read, but thank you for the Braile option. I have a girl boss you stupid fucking bitch, HER NAME IS MISS MAKIMA AND REZE!"

Our furry hero then jumps into the pit, where he is met with one of the five Brad Pitt's agents, Tom Cruise.

„Tom, why did you let Brad Pitt star in Mission Impossible? It is your shitty role!"

„Hahaha, Zdenko Kotromanić, I have many sexual assaults to commit, and this role sells bought me enough time to become another Mike Tyson!"

„What the fuck is wrong with you Tom? Why y'all can't be normal human beings, and have normal fucking lives?"

„WE. ARE. PAID. LEGION. OF RAPISTS."

„There is something genuinely wrong with Hollywood."

„Now, pick this sick suicidal mission impossible!"

Hello guys, to the Uhm, bastard as Zlatan is trying to recover from another bloody massacre in Kosovar village, trying not to escape from an old ass shack while people are searching for him.

This Tom Cruise is not an easy enemy, he has this jet fighter which he called Top Gun/Maverick, and is trying to murder us while screaming like a cowboy riding a nuclear device.

A gimmick for him is that he will charge at you, as a machine gun while diving, trying to get you, but you have a way to fight against his stupid ass.

There is a wall behind our ass and three trampolines that are going to uhm… I don't know, exit?

This room is really fucking expanded like it feels that this entire ordeal is not humanly possible, since fighters can't be put into Ćele Kula, but every problem has its retarded solution, and its called Zlatan.

Our furry hero Zdenko Kotromanić is trying to avoid flying Batmans around him, as Adam West is trying to buy another Gotham City, and during Cruise's relentless attacks, he has to watch out for the falling ceiling or else he will fucking die.

But, with the power of carrots, laser guns, and anime Steel Ball Run, Zdenko Kotromanić can pull off, and become the next „Florida Man Gets Accused For Destroying Serbian National Monuments" on Fox TV.

„YOU WILL NOT PREVENT HOLLYWOOD ZDENKO! YOU ARE OFFENDING SEX!"

„What are you fucking saying?"

„LONG LIVE BILL COSB- oh shit." After he says that, he ends up hitting the wall, exploding the entire fucking room, and causing Ćele Kula to fall down like Super Mario castle after defeating Bowser.

„Fuck you, you and the sex offender registry. Y'all mfs need sex offender country."

Isn't that just Epstein's Island?

„Who the fuck are you?"

CHAPTER 2

Managing to escape from Ćele Kula we are now trapped inside the most retarded part of the entire fucking Serbia, Šumadija, where forests are plentiful, and Serbians are either yellow monkeys or bears that are trying to eat normal people and bees.

Do not fact-check this, you can only trust me.

Now, as we managed to defeat Tom Cruise and forever stop him from being cast as Ethan in Mission Impossible, the game offers us a new weapon, a flamethrower.

„OHHHHH, I THINK I LIKE THIS FUCKING GAME NOW!"

What are you saying? This is real life.

„You still didn't answer me who the fuck are you?"

I am Tom Cruise's good side, and I will aid you from now on in preventing Mission Impossible: Angelina Jolie

„Why are you just a voice?"

I am referencing Team Fourstar with this voice thing.

„That's kind of dope."

Soon after, we are trapped in a forest that offers us only one solution: exterminate Šumadijan people and bring peace and stability to this region by eliminating Serbians.

These yellow monkeys and I am not racist, I am just mildly chauvinistic, are using next-tier technology sent by Hollywood to prevent Zdenko Kotromanić from commencing a Furfest in Los Angeles instead of raping and harassing actresses in their movie, head propeller, which is allowing them to fly, and they also got support from the Republic of Ireland,and Irish Republican Army which gave them pipe bombs.

„I had enough of this shit. Tom, fire up that flamethrower!"

Daddy, yes Daddy!

„Please, never say that shit, ever again." Now as we are burning the forests of Serbia, and spreading misinformation that some stupid tourist burnt it by throwing a lit cigarette bum, we can focus on eliminating all of our enemies.

Here, we are offered frozen ice cream, and as we are trying to get it, our flamethrower melts it down, revealing that it actually wasn't ice cream, but rather a trampoline which leads to more fuel for our flamethrower.

I fucking love this shit.

Then, we are sent to exterminate more Šumadijan people, and they are plentiful, good thing that they are dropping pink and green jewels, I couldn't afford my furry-on-human commissions from my favorite furry artist: Markiplier.

Zlatan's porn collection is available on Patreon right now!

I swear I don't have anything like what Panzer from TNO had in his porn folder.

Soon after the quick extermination of creatures and „people" of Šumadija, we are cast to genocide multiple villages there, so Zlatan awakes and starts trolling patrols that are sent by the Serbian government to arrest and extradite him to the Netherlands, Hague.

Following the screams of pain and being set on fire, Zdenko Kotromanić burns another forest which gives him Reddit gold that will be used to buy a fursuit from a furry that has been following us since the game started.

I have never seen someone more determined than him to sell his own merchandise.

Right yeah, I forgot to mention, our current companion, Melvin from The Kingsman is our new eyes and guns as we released him from the prison named Scotland. I am sure he won't be lost in this wilderness of Šumadija.

Soon after failing to get 20 more dollars from our work at the brothel following a bad fellation, our furry friend decides not to give us his pink rabbit fursuit that was in the ownership of Epic Rap Battles of History, so Melvin, Zdenko, and Zlatan are forced to leave this part of Šumadija, heading for the urban areas where he heard that you can buy a ticket for plane and head directly for New York from where he will get continental flight towards Los Angeles.

Entering the city during night hours, we are presented with heavy defenses, as troth Hague Tribunal Army, Serbian paw patrol, and Hollywood are competing and cooperating with each other on who will first capture Zlatan, Zdenko, and Tom Cruise.

There are two possible escapes, and both of them lead to buff Jeff Bezos in his turtle fursuit, and Bezos isn't fucking joking around.

He sent one of his clones to defeat you, but if you throw a huge square-like rock at his bald head, he will get confused and won't attack you.

Šumadija Police Department has plenty of policemen, please arrest me dad- I mean, I will never allow you to stop me from my nationalistic goals!

Moving through the intestines of policemen, we steal their uniform in hopes that this time we will get enough money from looting and pillaging the city, so we can propose an idea to the faithful and following furry that is selling me his stuff. What do you want to propose?

„I want a combination of this fursuit and police uniform."

That sounds reasonable.

„Thank you, the good side of Tom Cruise."

Following our conversation with Tom Cruise, we finally managed to slaughter everyone in this city, and thus move forward towards the airport.

Our good furry merchant friend stands there, smiling.

„I just realized now that he is a she."

How is that a problem Zdenko?

„I am an incel, I cannot speak with women!"

I gotchu fam. Akh, akh… excuse me?

„Who the fuck is talking? What sort of witchcraft are you performing?"

„Why are you trying to defend yourself?"

„Shut up stank ass hoe! Tell me more about your magic?"

„That is just the good side of Tom Cruise. Wait…"

„Sure, sure, and I am Gorica Popović."

„Why are you accusing me of something illegal hoe? You're stalking me!"

„I am not stalking you, I am trying to marketize my product to you."

„By stalking me."

„Nuh-uh."

„Ah ha."

„Nuh-uh."

„Do you have money for whatever you want this time? "

„No."

„Then fuck off, stank ass hoe."

Jeez, this bitch isn't too friendly, but don't worry, we have other people to eliminate from the face of Earth.

As we entered the airport, and found our ticket, police started breaking in, and Richard Nixon had a mental breakdown, yelling at JFK and McNamara, while Castro was smoking his Zaza.

Managing to get in front of an aircraft that would take him to New York City, everything goes silent, and the wind blows disturbingly.

This night soon became brighter than the Sun, and Zdenko, turning around, could not see that baldness.

That baldness infects even balls.

It was none other, than Jeff Bezos, the second agent of Brad Pitt.

„What the fuck are you doing here Jeff?"

„Shipping my daily deliveries of dildos to your furry femboy friends Zdenko!."

„Aren't you an agent of Brad Pitt?"

„Yes, I am! Do you have a problem with that, nyeega?"

„What?"

„Prepare thyself Zdenko, JU-DGE-MENT!"

„Can we just not… I can't even see your face Jeff."

„Never trade blows with Jeffy JefF Bezos, egghead with a huge set of huevos!"

„I cannot.. I cannot even comprehend anymore." „

Thus the fight for the title of richest divorce ever has begun, as we are attempting to divorce Jeff from his life.

The gimmick for this silly little goose is that he is bald, and has Hammer of God with him.

Abilities are quite simple: he walks menacingly towards you and swings his hammer like a fucking boomerang.

There is no one here to fight for him, so it is not that hard, as Amazon employees are rather taking a piss than pissing you off.

Jeff will have a precise period between his attack and menacing walk, which you can use to murder his sorry ass, but there is one thing: you cannot heal during this fight.

So, get that flamenweifer, and laser gun, because Jeff isn't fucking around, and he will take two of your carrots down there in just a blink of an eye, in just a split second.

There will be bloodshed and no Free Bird solo.

After carefully preparing ourselves to strike the next attack, Jeff Bezos dies in a gruesome way, as he fucking disintegrates while yelling:

„AHHHHH! I CANNOT COMMIT LEGAL SLAVERY ANYMORE! AHHHHH! GOD DAMN YOU ZDENKO! DEVIL AWAITS YOU IN HIS CHAMBERS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

That was… rather something.

„I agree with you, Tom."