A letter to the boy with the crooked smile

Okay, so I have decided. This will be my last note for you. And I have been truly grateful for your presence in my life. Who knew it took a stab wound to the stomach to make me realize that I love you. I know that you can't hear or read this, but I hope you would understand why I did what I did. Please don't blame yourself. None of this was your fault.

So, here it goes.

Dear Koshiro Tanaka,

I've only known you for 6 short months, but it would be an understatement to think that words could describe how you've changed my life. You may not have the best first impression, but so did the rest of your family. You taught me to not be quick to judge and jump into conclusion.

I love how you act blunt and childish without realizing.

When you complimented me.

"You can eat."

And aggressively 'offered' me a ride home the first night I knew you.

"I'll drive you home. Is that a problem?"

It melts my heart when you remembered my name.

"Take care, Ren."

That time you dragged me into the janitor closet and put your hand around my mouth.

"Not a peep about that, please."

How you downplayed a serious situation with your smile and cheerful tones.

"Drive-in cinema."

I've never told you, but your fake boyfriend voice never failed to make me laugh.

"Hey gorgeous."

Your cute optimism.

"I make a really good boyfriend, don't I?"

"Well, I thought I'd be the most eligible bachelor between the three of us."

But who am I to complain? I did fall for you after all.

Maybe I'm neurotic, but I love it when you scold me to eat. I wish I could eat your cooking one more time.

"I'll make you the best French omelet you'll ever have."

And I'm sorry for the time I broke your trust cause I thought I knew what was best for you.

"And you couldn't just tell me? I thought we trusted each other."

I kept replaying the night you confessed to me.

"Well, at least he was right about my feelings."

Have I mentioned the adorable face you made when you said, 'You startled me!'

I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I was definitely staring at your body.

"Hey! My eyes are up here."

And how can I miss out on your obsession with sweets and feeding me. You always thought highly of my capability. But I'm sorry to disappoint you with how unathletic I am. You trusted me to make decisions regardless.

"Let's let Ren decide."

Do you remember when you shouted 'I love you' during your swimming competition. I know you didn't mean it like that. But it made me happy all the same.

I still love you too, even after your bossy ass heartlessly told me to do laps. I'm sorry for making you worry all the time. I guess not all surprises are good. You made me realize that.

Your spontaneity, innocence, and awkwardness attracted me. It was not the rich family or the big house or your sweet husky voice. Okay maybe the last one was a lie. But you were so much more than a name. You are a person

A person who made bake cheesecake with his brother at night, a person that made me worry for his well-being, a person who overreacted over small things and stayed calm through a tragedy. You are a quaint little thing, Master Hiro.

You were even better than me at life skills. I could barely cook and sew. There's so much I can learn from you. But what I did I bring to your life? I couldn't even tell you the truth about my name. I knew it meant Lotus but hearing it from you gave it so much more meaning.

Maybe it sounds pathetic to you. It might not even mean anything. But by giving me your last name for a day was the best birthday gift I could have asked for. I'm sorry again for lying. Today was my real birthday. My parents decided to change it to the day I was officially adopted in hopes that it gave me a new start at life.

But the truth is, I'll never fully feel like an Anderson. Hanging with your family had given me more warmth than I had ever felt in the last 20 years. As bad as it sounds, it's the honest truth.

Will you think of me as a fraud or a traitor for hiding all these things from you? There are so many things I want to share with you. I'm not sure if you will understand, but it's hard for me to open up about my ambiguous past

I know I shouldn't feel ashamed about it, and I'll try not to anymore. If I get a second chance to live, I promise I will tell you everything.

Unlike me, you probably had more valid reasons not to share deep secrets about yourself to me. I would understand if you didn't think I should know about it. And I don't even care if I don't get to ever know about your past.

I promise I will express myself better. I won't regret not doing a single thing in my life ever again. If I get a second chance, I will live every day without any hesitation. I will make sure every second of it has a meaning. Even if I only made you smile with my sarcastic praise.

If I get to wake up from this, I promise I will learn how to cook from Kenji and how to protect myself from Tadashi. I promise I'll bake you the best cheesecake you've ever had. I won't let you worry about me. You won't have to protect me ever again. I will study and work hard to prove myself. I'll be the best girlfriend I can be, and you'll be the first boyfriend to win an argument.

Please. I beg you. One more chance. One more miracle.

I guess this is it. The tunnel is coming to an end. The light at the end is getting bigger and brighter. My body felt numb and my head is way lighter.

If this is my last moment as Ren Tanaka, I only have one more thing to tell you before I leave.

I love you, Koshiro.