1 Welcome to my Life, or should I say, After life ?

My mind is overflowing with joy as I am reading a really good book, I just started reading it, It was about a very strong female character just the same age as me. I get the salvation of reading such books with powerful protagonists because first, If my life is a book, I will most probably be the -no one knew- average human character, and second, I have such a week ass. Its my salvation to read perfect stories and perfect people with happy endings.

It was 2 weeks when the school have started, it didn't went well just as I was expecting it to be.

"Sarmiento, Eiszel Xin" I was a bit startled when my teacher called me for attendance.

I was convincing myself that it will be okay as I have rehearsed in my mind in the last few minutes how to say 'present' without stuttering.-

"Present" I responded and went straight to overthink what will be worse if I messed up saying that in a number of different ways.

After that, I continued reading my book. I just get lost in books so easily.

My name is Eiszel Xin Sarmiento, most people call me Xin. I am 17 years old. Full time Overthinker. Life will never been as wasted as mine.

I am at our school library, working on a piece that needs to be passed. After a couple of minutes, some of my classmates started coming to our table as they praise the excellent work of my 2 other classmates, while I was just like sitting there in the middle of an intimidating crowd, not even sure if I should continue what I'm doing or should sit in another table as I'm starting to hear people whisper, 'Is she the one from a family of criminals?' 'I'm scared of her, it was said that she killed her mom' 'Why are you in the same table as her'. I still choose to stay in my seat anyway even after I hear them talk about me.

I continued what I'm doing while my tears are trying to betray me because they are starting to escape my eyes. I managed to wipe them before anyone else could see. Then I tried to smile again when the others started noticing that I am there, they just looked at me in disgust, my smile faded. I know that they have already heard the news that happened to me this summer.

As I become busy with my work, someone poured her coffee on my work which is due the next hour.

I stood up to prevent the coffee from dripping staining my uniform, as if it haven't already.

"What did you do Claire?!" I said in anger, which I regret because now, more people are looking at us.

" What Xin, Are you gonna cry? " said claire while rubbing her hands to her eyes as if acting to cry to mock me.

"Why are you even trying to have a normal life here and not join your father in jail? You killed your mom didn't you? How could you Xin, If I was in your shoes, I will just kill myself"

I just weakly smiled at her. I don't have the courage to speak and fight, it's as if my lips are glued together.

I don't want to make things more complicated If I will try to fight back, and maybe I really deserve this, after all I am a mistake in this world. I did shut my friends away from me that is why I am now alone, I don't want them to get stuck with my mess. I don't want to be selfish so I told them to just leave me. I just wanted to live a normal life all this time, why am I born in this situation, Why didn't I have a life just like my normal classmates, I keep on telling myself that its okay when really, its not. I only want to live, but if living is this bad, I don't want it.

I tried calming myself and noticed that the coffee have stained my uniform badly, I would have to wash this thoroughly as I got home.

Another problem is I cant afford to buy a new illustration board for this schoolwork, my grandmother will surely kill me if I ask for a penny. I probably won't pass it even though that is a really important requirement. I don't even have a anything to pay my fare to take a bus going home.

I miss my mommy. She used to comb my hair and will sure get my stained uniform white as snow again. She will take me to school even if I told her its okay, She will cook me lunch so I wouldn't get hungry at school, She will make sure I have enough money to ride a bus home.. and now everyone thinks I killed her, maybe I did?, I should be the one dead, not her.

Some people keep telling me that life goes on.. but to me, that is the saddest part.

I got home and saw my grandmother doing the laundry. I went to her so I can ask for money for my schoolwork.

"Grandmo---" I got interrupted by her as she shouted at me.

"What now Xin??! Don't you dare call me grandmother!, You killed my child! you stupid a-- b-tch, and wow, you got your uniform stained, bet you got in trouble again didn't you? I should have just let you sleep in the streets! " My tears started falling. The wound of my mother passing away is still fresh to all of us so I can't blame her.

"But I didnt kill her grandma!, Yes, You've lost a child but I have also lost a mom!" It just snapped the hell out of me.

"What ever you say xin, You killed her, if only you're not a minor, I would have sued you and slocked you up in jail just like your worthless father!"

I usually just go with it as I am used to it, but today is just a lot to process. And for the record... It was an accident. I know should be the one whose dead not her.

I can't help it. I ran outside as I cry it all out while mumbling "mommy....mo--mmyy... why do you have to leave me in this world" mommyyy... I'm sorry if you have suffered death for me, sorry but I can't take the pain anymore...

In the middle of me running, I didn't notice a fast car rushing towards me, wow, I'm in the middle of the road. I didn't even bother to save myself, I just closed my eyes and waited for it to hit me. Mom.... I will finally have peace after this. Will you be happy for me?

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.

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I heard loud ambulance sirens.

Its getting harder to breathe, wow, is it really gonna end here.

A few minutes.... That's all the time I have. Few minutes until all the pain is over, Few minutes until I finally die...

"Eiszel... live for me" a familiar voice said...

...it's my mom.

and then suddenly, I wanted to live.