11 Willingness

Summer, 2020 France

My eyes clung for a split second to a pair of gray eyes wide open. That face... I knew it. I remembered seeing it before. It fled to the back of my mind, and it came back changed. What was causing this? I watched again without blinking. I wanted to understand. The eyes looked at me too.

I turned away, embarrassed. I decided to risk an inquisitive glance. My gaze ricocheted off, fell away and I looked again. I tried to take a measure of the strength of the other, but the eyes closed and the face disappeared. It took me a second to understand that the face was not there. Was I dreaming?! I looked around me, upset.

Paris!

The boat was sliding towards to its destination. To the right on the quays were a cinema and a small terrace surrounded by bushes on the edge of the water. I had not gone to see a movie in a long time. I loved the old black and white movies. I had not sat on a terrace to talk about the rain and the fair weather for a long time either. The boat was sailing slowly and I decided that when I disembarked I would melt into the crowd, go to the cinema, and enjoy a drink on a terrace. In Paris to be alone on a sunny terrace means that you are seeking a soul mate. A part of me hopes never to find a soul mate, because I do not think she will accept me such as I am.

The boat went on his way. The light wind caressed my face and I breathed in fragrances, the emerging perfumes from a giant amphora, a mixture of unknown scents. A perfume shop was somewhere behind on the right. I hoped that these scents would carry me to my dream. But this smell had nothing in common with my dream. However, I could walk around trying to find a scent that did. The boat had come to the end of its journey and I decided to visit the cinema and its small terrace. With my hands in my pockets, I went on foot.

I was still annoyed by the conversation between my conscience, which was rebelling, and that other unknown part of myself that I did not even know what to call. It tried in vain to convince me of its purpose. I tried to stop their idiot chattering and clear of my head before their petty and trivial gossip drove me crazy. What a break it was when they stopped! I knew that someday one of the two would eventually lose and the other would keep quiet, because I will have accepted one reality and my life will bind to the new order.

I walked along the bank of the Seine, looking at the bridge. There was nothing interesting to see. I walked slowly, almost dragging my feet, and I arrived at the first terrace. A large poster on the right was announcing a theater performance on a canal boat nearby. It was a new piece, in contemporary style performed by a team of young actors.

I continued my walk peacefully. The air was fresh near the river and the sun, casting its last rays. It made the water a shining mirror. Hmm!

The cinema? No! There are too many people and it's too beautiful to close myself in a narrow space. I will go to a terrace instead - that will be better.

It was a strange decision for me to follow this path near the wharf. I pinched the bridge of my nose. There was something in the air. I approached the first staggered terrace. My senses were alert. I explored the area and my heart started to beat more and more rapidly. This meant that an extremely important event was about to occur. I was familiar with that feeling. Something important was near. Something I was expecting for a long time, a fact that I did not know how to welcome and which my poor heart did not know how to govern. I saw a flash. A fleeting image formed before my eyes and vanished with the swiftness of a shooting star.

Finally!

I felt nauseous suddenly, like I was about get sick. The girl I was looking for was there. I had covered this city far and wide to find her and, I was devastated with my lack of success! It was my impatience that led me to start searching, but it did not matter now. She was finally in front of me!

What did this girl have? Why was she so important to me? Why did I dream of her? Why did I feel this incomprehensible need to go searching for her? I had to understand and the key to this mystery was right there in front of me.

The terrace was packed. Two tables were still available, including one near the bushes very close to the table where she sat. I stepped forward and I felt that the ground would swallow me up. The earth moved, or my legs were stuck. This was no longer asphalt. My feet sank, my ankle descended and my legs were caught. My arms fluttered absurdly in the air searching for a support. But there was nothing. The air had become smooth and charged with a powerful scent that had the ability to change reality and prevent me from moving. A chasm had emerged under me. It was full of quicksand, binding me and pulling me down. If I continued to slide, I would go all the way to the bottom and transform it into a tomb.

I surveyed my surroundings.

This weird smell, a kind of perfume, was everywhere. I turned my head to the left for a breath of fresh air, but this flavor, her aroma, overwhelmed me! I felt as if I had weights attached to my feet. I wanted to move forward and I was making an effort to do so, to get closer to that intoxicating fragrance. I lurched forward but just couldn't move my feet to the chair next to her. I nearly feel, but I caught myself at the last minute, drawing myself up heavily.

Two pairs of eyes looked at me as I had tried to move with dignity. Two girls smiled at me and at the same time one of them spoke to me. I heard the sound of her voice, I heard her words, but they had no order. I understood nothing of what she said.

I looked at the table where I wanted to be and it seemed to me that an illusion played tricks on me. The closer I approached, the more the table moved away. Was I really moving? No! I still could not touch the chair. I did not dare remove my hand from its grip on the back of a chair near the two girls. It was keeping my balance. I continued, leaning to stay upright. Yet I made an effort. I turned my head to stare when I passed near her.

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