13 What if ?

What if I did? I chuckled.

"Oh, no," my conscience continued, trying to make me change my mind.

Oh, yes, I said.

"No!"

Yes.

Silence. I was alone with my thoughts. I got control of myself and I decided to follow her as long as I was master of my own ego.

She walked along the dock and, arriving at the end, swerved to the left. She walked fast and her perfume whirled around me making me crazy. The wind was blowing in my direction and that did not help. I could follow her with my eyes closed from a hundred meters away, all the way to the end of the world. At the crossroads, she embarked on the avenue and stopped at building No. 115. It was an old Haussmann building with a beautiful entrance that required an access code to enter. I never took my eyes off her, but I stayed on the side of the avenue - I preferred to leave some distance between us.

The road was divided with a median full of green space. The trees inclined their heavy branches on both sides, powerless to prevent the wave of pedestrians who were in a hurry to cross. They took breathtaking slalom turns between the cars that came past at high speed. I stopped in front of a shop window and I watched her dial the entry code: 911.

Ah! I shall go and get bitten...

As she passed the receptionist's lodge, she turned her head, greeted him with a smile and asked "Have you had a good day?"

After exchanging pleasantries, she approached the elevator, pressed the button for the 3rd floor and disappeared behind closed doors. She was no longer there, only her smell remained to accompany me.

Why did I do all this?

I could not let her slip away; I had just found her.

Yet this excuse did not answer my question? No. It was the instinct of a predator tracking down its prey.

Yes.

I spent the whole night outside her home like a lion in a cage. I had a strange fear of losing her forever, so I forced myself to stay and not leave her home so I wouldn't lose her again. I panicked. I wandered around and grumbled at the same time. I thought of tomorrow.

And if I will follow her tomorrow, too...

I could introduce myself and accompany her to university, and tell her politely, smiling - but not so much that she could see my teeth: Hello, how are you? My name is Estrange. And yours?

What would she do if I did that? She seemed polite and she might... what?

Could I kidnap her and feed myself with her blood? Oh, how horrible! I saw her face change, in my mind, from happiness to fear. What a horrible image. How could I do such a thing to a girl so delicate? I tore at my hair without success, my fingers dug into my eye sockets, but the awful image remained. I was alone. The passing pedestrians avoided me as if they understood who I was but I paid no attention. I kept these thoughts inside.

I had to stop these thoughts and change the course of my emotions to resist her. I was strong enough to do that. I was aware of the danger that she was in if I continued to follow her. I had to decide if I wanted to keep her by my side... or... was I only interested in her blood? And, what would she do with someone like me - a savage? She has no idea that I am one!

If I was hiding who I really was?

I needed to get to a state where I could control myself so that being close to her would no longer be an achievement, and do it without her knowing who I was. Without wanting to hunt her continuously...

She must be safely in her bed now, far away from me - the monster.

I imagined her lying down, her eyes shut and sleeping. Me, standing near her bed - another me - my fingers grasping her by the shoulders, opening my mouth and my teeth shining in the night. Yes, the beast was back.

But she must suspect this!

She had certainly perceived something when we locked eyes. Her perfume still burned me. I did not sense her nearby, I just imagined it. I tortured myself with her memory. I closed my eyes and an image of her overwhelmed me. In it, her hands were seizing her hair and throwing it back, her face turned toward me with her great and deep gray eyes. She looked so pretty, so helpless. How could I hurt her? My fingers hardened to claws seeking prey. I pushed my fists down in my pockets, to better hide them. I was ashamed.

I'll go hide somewhere if I cannot control myself...

My hands will never touch her in that way, I would not harm her. I lifted the collar of my jacket. The weather was cold.

How did I know it was cold? I am insensitive to weather changes. What's was going on? This feeling, these tremors, what was causing them? What effect did she have on me? What had she woken up in me?

I was a victim to feelings so unknown that even my instincts were not the same. I spent that first night in front of her building digging in my mind, a slave to my emotions and to my resentments. I went away for a while, running along the avenue, and without thinking my feet found the way back. I couldn't force myself to leave. An idea crossed my mind. I did not want to give up without having fought.

I had never quit the war before winning and getting out of there - this will be the same!

I would retire from the game only if I could no longer control myself, if allowing her to live proved to be really impossible. I was thrown forward by a … a strong odor of alcohol. A drunken man! I had not felt him, nor seen him near me. I was no longer the master of my senses.

I must pull myself together. I must focus on different emotions...

If I succeeded to hold on to myself this night, what about tomorrow? Maybe I could control myself better. I truly did not want her blood. I smiled. Yes, I was a hunter; yes, I was feeding that way too, but I realized, finally, that I did not want kill her. I was not dependent on her blood, something else in her appealed to me. I needed to find out what it was. This idea enlightened me.

Yes, I will see what it is...

I looked at the sky, it was clear and red. The sun's rays fell on the great glass door of her apartment building, and covered it with a shiny gold dust. I was torn between the desire to stay and the desire to leave.