30 Ogun mẹsan

I woke with a start. It felt as though I hadn't slept for but a minute before the bullshit commenced. A body was next to me, and for a blip in time my heart warmed. I was reminded of late nights watching Netflix with Ade. But my brief bliss ended too quickly. This wasn't Ade. I turned and tightened my hands around the neck of the person next to me, who was obviously Ximenes.

"Why are you anywhere near me?"

"Only..one...bed..." he struggled and I let go, continuing to talk as I walked to the bathroom to began my morning routine.

"Why the fuck would you put us in a house with one bed."

"You know why" he rubbed the slightly pink ring around his neck.

"Ximenes, I swear to God, I'm losing my patience with you." I huffed.

"Can you stop calling me that?"

"Calling you what? Your fucking name?"

"My parents used to call me that."

"Well, it was your name. What else did you want them to fucking call you?"

"I don't want them to call me anything. I'm trying Nani, I really am to be a man that you'll want. Even from beyond the grave I've let them ruin my life. I use them as an excuse for my behavior but it's not. I made my decisions and no one can redeem me but me. I don't want to be a person they shaped, or respond to a name they chose for me."

"And you're just realizing this now?" I wiped my face off with a towel and disappeared into the walk-in closet, finding the exact suitcase I had packed for Nigeria sitting on the floor. I dug through the bag as Ximenes talked, finally finding Ade's sweatshirt and pulling it on.

" You don't get it do you? I lost everything. I was the richest man in the world and now what do I have? I'm changing now because I don't have a choice. You're all I have now and neither of us can leave, so whatever I can do to make you happy, I'll do it. "

"Where's Ade? Giving me him will make me happy. " I finished dressing and began walking to the kitchen. He followed after me.

"Anything but that."

"Why?"

"Because he's dead."

"That's a lie and you know it." I turned to glare at him.

"Even if he wasn't dead, you're in love with him. Why would I give you further reason not to want me?"

"There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone."

"Well, whatever the difference is, it's irrelevant because you fall in the latter."

"I don't, but okay. What exactly am I supposed to call you now?" I grabbed an apple from the kitchen and sat at the table, forcing myself to take a bite even though my appetite was nonexistent.

"Asier, my middle name."

"Didn't they give you that name too?"

"No, actually. My godfather did. He was kind. When he was alive they didn't beat me as much. Look, I've been thinking. I'm not stupid, okay? I know you hate me, in fact I knew you hated me even when you acted like you didn't. Every once in a while you'd be so convincing that I'd believe it. I really wanted to believe it. Then I'd look at you and I knew there was no way someone like you could love someone like me."

"You know the funny thing? If you had waited a couple months and just asked me out when I was college, I might have said yes. If you had asked me out period I might have said yes. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I did everything right. I got the grades, I took care of my siblings, I never started drama, I tried to always do the right thing. I was supposed to fucking enjoy the rest of my senior year like a normal person and move on with my life! Why me? Why did you do this to me?" He held my hand and I didn't flinch away immediately because it felt tender. Genuine.

"Nani, it wasn't personal. I wasn't even supposed to fall in love with you. You were going to be sold, like everyone else, then Ade showed me your picture, and I couldn't help myself."

"Ade?"

"Yeah. He actually gave me the idea to kidnap you instead of killing you."

"Oh."

Just like that, it all made sense. Why all those weeks ago Ade said this had to happen to 'save' me. I doubted this happened only by chance. Ade was a human calculator. He gave Ximenes the idea to kidnap me without selling me because he knew he could use me in his plan. In fact, I don't doubt that he put the idea of getting to my parents through their kids in Ximenes' head. What are the odds that he 'by chance' befriended a girl with a background in martial arts and a weakness for abused children. "Was it your idea to go after my parents through their kids?"

"No, actually. It was so odd. I usually don't involve Ade in my under the table affairs, but he stumbled upon my plan for your parents. Originally, I was just going to assassinate them both, but he said it was way too risky. He proposed going through someone close to them and said he would get back to me with the best candidate. The next day, he gave me a profile on you. When I proposed killing you, he maintained that it would be too obvious and instead he suggested I should kidnap you. I said that would be a fantastic idea. Although at the time I didn't know Ade knew about my business, I'm sure he did by then. He played me like a fiddle. The second he handed me a picture of you I knew I was going to have you, and I'm sure he did too. From there I began looking into you and your background, with his help, and conveniently I didn't find any of the records showing your countless martial arts championship wins. I mean jesus you were the state jiu jitsu champion for three years in a row or some shit like that? I had no idea until I did more digging a couple days ago. I can't believe I didn't realize what he was doing at the time. Oh well. I'm bored. Cards?" I blinked, feeling numb all over, and I nodded my head at his question. We sat at opposite sides of a table and began to play war. I tried to focus on winning. That was what I had done my whole life. After I was abused, my therapist suggested I needed an outlet. I chose self defense. I didn't ever want to be defenseless again. I put everything I had into winning. I was the state champion for five years, not three. Whether it was martial arts or track or gymnastics or school, focusing on the win helped me block out everything else. I told myself to focus on the cards. Find a way to win. For fucks sake war was a game of chance but I still couldn't help myself. I thought if I could just focus on winning maybe my thoughts would quiet down.

They didn't.

They got louder and louder until I had so many thoughts coursing through my brain I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't even notice the tears streaming down my face.

"Oh my god. He didn't tell you, did he?"

I looked up and Ximenes -or Asier, whatever the fuck his name is- was having too much fun with my pain. He wanted me to know this. He was trying to make me hate Ade. I shook my head then blinked through my tears and stood.

"You are the most manipulative, evil, human being I have ever had the displeasure of meeting, and all the names in the world couldn't change that. " I stormed off into some obsolete corner of this excessively large fucking house. Ximenes screamed my name for hours, but he didn't find me. I cried myself to sleep for the second night in a row. Right there in that corner.