1 Chapter 1: "I'm Fine"
"I'm Fine" the words we all say when we're not okay. What would happen when one day it all stops? What happens once everything is gone? It all starts with the words "I'm Fine"
My name is Valora, and this is my story.
Volume 1:
Everything in my body aches. I don't even remember the last time I ate a proper meal. I can't concentrate on anything anymore. Everything just seems so much harder to do.
Since you're most likely confused, I'll take you back.
~It was a normal Wednesday at school~
I was late for school so I decided to go straight to lunch, since my period before lunch was almost over.
~Bell Rings~
My boyfriend came in the lunch room and sat across from me.
"you know, you should lose some weight. you're getting a little um.... well you know" I looked up at him. He was being serious, he had a straight face on the whole time. "yeah... I know. I just thought you didn't really care." I said as I lowered my head and held back a tsunami of tears. If someone who didn't know me saw me, they would say I was already really skinny. I was 16, 5'3, and only 126 pounds. Besides all the obvious facts that I didn't need to lose weight, that one tiny comment made me feel down for the rest of the day.
After school I went home and sat on my couch to watch one of my favorite shows. My mom was about to walk past me when she said "Hey Val you're gaining a little weight. Maybe you should cut back on those fruit snacks." she chuckles a bit and pats my head. "momma I don't think fruit snack could make me gain weight..." I said quietly. She started walking towards the kitchen when she said "well it wouldn't hurt to cut back on sweets babe" I know she said it for my own good. But it still hurts a bit, and I don't know why.
As the week past by, people all around me kept telling the same thing: "Lora you gained a little bit of weight", "Hey Val have you been eating more?", "Yo Valora chill on that pizza you look like a pig.
So I stopped.
~3 weeks before present time~
It's the weekend and I do not want to get up. I lay in bed, starring at the ceiling for about 10 minutes. My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago, because I wasn't his "type" anymore. I just feel so tired these days. I can't even focus on my work.
I hear knocks on my bedroom door, and then a voice. "Val... I heard about what happened with Mark... I'm so sorry love" Mark is.....was my boyfriend. "Can you please come out and eat breakfast? I made pancakes!" She's sweet but I can't face her like this...it'll break her heart. After a few minutes I got up from bed and went to the bathroom. I spent a few minutes just starring at myself in the mirror. All I see are my imperfections. I pull myself together and hop in the shower. After 30 minutes of letting the hot water hit my face, I get out and put on some clean clothes. I head to the living room and sit on the couch to watch my favorite show. My mom comes over to me and places a bowl of freshly washed fruit on the coffee table in front of me: Banana, Strawberries, Kiwi, and apple slices. "Please...eat these" She sighed and walked away into her room.
I take my phone out and look up how many calories each fruit has, then I write it down: Banana-105 calories, Strawberries- 4 calories, Kiwi- 42 calories, Apple- 95 calories.... So many calories. I only eat a small bite of the banana, and half of the other fruits. I didn't want to gain any more weight so I didn't eat anything else that day.
For a month I did this with the food I was given. I just loved the feeling of waking up in the morning and stepping on the scale to watch the numbers go down. But I was never satisfied, it didn't matter how fast the numbers were going down, I NEEDED MORE! 140lbs...145lbs...130lbs...115lbs...98lbs...86lbs. I need help....but I don't want any. I wore baggy clothes to cover my thin bony arms and my very thin body so my mom wouldn't realize how thin I was actually getting. Until one day when I was walking around the house reading a book, when I got a paper cut on my hand. My mom came running to me with a band-aid. She told me to show her the cut but I refused. So she grabbed my arm and rolled up my long baggy sleeve, revealing my thin bony arm. She dropped the band-aid and fell to the floor crying. "Why did you let it get this bad!? why would you do this to yourself Val? WHY?!" so many questions but I could only answer one. "I had to..."
Mom cried harder and picked up her phone. "momma?....w-what are you doing?" she wiped her tears and continued the call in a different room. I run over to her but she quickly locks the door "MOM!! what are you doing!!!" I yell out but then quiet down to try to listen in on the phone call, but its so quiet I couldn't make out any words. A long while after waiting, my mom comes rushing out with her purse and keys "come on Val" I gave her a confused look "where are we going?" she didn't even look at me when she said "to see your doctor... she says it's anorexia...hurry up and get dressed" anorexia? I'm not anorexic! "Mom I'm not anorexic!".
~at the doctors~
I was weighed and tested for all sorts of things. My doctor came back into our room with the results to all the tests. "Well uh...where do I start? Valoria you have depression, anxiety, anorexia, and bulimia. Both very extreme very deadly eating disorders..." Oh this is really bad...really really bad. But if you smoke you can't just randomly stop smoking, if you're a surgeon and you love what you do and your job, you can't just quit. I do know one thing...I can't do this alone.
