Such A Whore

For the first time, yeah, for the first time in these many months I actually felt happy. I felt like I had someone, some people beside me. I was happy.

I hoped it'd be all well.

I came home. I just sat down on my bed. Thinking about things that I know I shouldn't think about but I just kept on thinking or should I say they just found a way around my mind, somehow.

I took a shower. I was scared to stand naked, anywhere, I hated my body. Yeah. I hated every part of me until someone tells me that it's okay. Though it's not okay. It'll never be okay.

I had classes, extra classes. No one will be waiting for me. No one will be there to mess up my time. I walked straight to the class after having lunch. I spent too much time thinking.

Mr. Murchison was already there. I saw him and greeted him with a smile. He knew that something happened. I sat down on one bench and he came into the room.

Nobody was there because they're always late, like always.

Mr Murchison asked me, "What happened? It looks like some big burden was taken off from your shoulder."

I smiled and nodded. "Yes, yes Mr Murchison. I broke up with him."

He smiled and asked, "Is it a good thing?"

I thought, was it? I looked down at my hands, fidgeting. "Maybe, I don't know. But I feel happy. I think he wasn't the one for me."

He sighed. "Listen Samantha, sometimes feelings will get the better of you. But you should actually rely on what makes you feel good-"

I listened to him, brushing my fingers on my scars. I was trying to pull one dried scar off. Maybe he noticed. Maybe he didn't. I was thinking if I should pull out the scar or not.

"-Because in the end what matters is you. So, maybe he did something that you didn't like or you did something that threw off the balance. But you shouldn't be sad for being happy for yourself. You should know that."

I nodded still thinking if I should do or not. I was about to pull it off.

"Do you do self harm Samantha?" He asked.

I was caught off guard. I put my hand away hurriedly and looked at him. I just stared at him, I couldn't say anything.

"Listen Samantha, self harm isn't the solution." He said, with pity in his eyes. I could see it.

I smiled, yeah I know that too. But emotions get the better of me.

"Yeah, yes. I know. But I can't help it. I'm sorry Mr Murchison."

"Who knows? Who else knows?" He asked.

"Nobody." I said and I sighed. "I'm glad no one else knows." I said, smiling at him.

"Why? Can you show me?" He was the first person to actually notice that I always brush my fingers over my cuts.

I don't know why I do that. Some kind of reassurance? Calming me down? I don't know, I just feel like I've punished myself, for the worse things I've done.

I nodded my head, I don't know why I was going to show him. I pulled my sleeve up. I could see the cuts. The previous cuts. The new ones. The marks.

He put down his glasses. "Samantha. You need help. Do you want to tell someone about what you're going through? What happened?"

"I don't know." I smiled, I really don't know if I want to or if I'm ready to say what happened. "No, I don't know if I can."

I heard them coming. I looked down and put my books in front of me.

They came in and nobody sat beside me. I took out my phone and earphones. I knew I needed this.

I put on some songs. Some songs that I always listen to. "Unfamiliar but familiar" It's my favourite song. I always listen to it.

Mr Murchison gave us some works to do. I saw it and plugged in my earphones. I bursted out the song, in full volume.

"Remedy, give me a remedy.

It's unfamiliar but familiar.

Remedy, give me a remedy.

It's unfamiliar but I can't help it."

I listened to the lyrics and thought, yeah. I need a remedy. I need a remedy to help myself to forget.

After sometime I turned down the volume as I saw them speak and glance at me.

Lara was saying, "It's her fault. She should've understood his feelings. She thinks what she wants she can have."

Yeah, yeah. I'll have what I want. Yeah I'm the bad guy at their eyes.

Mr Murchison asked, "Did you listen to her story? Why she broke up?"

"She said she doesn't have any feelings for him. She's so heartless." Talia shouted. For me to listen? Yeah you passed then because I heard.

Mr Murchison sighed and looked at me. I was peacefully doing my work and he thought I was still listening to songs. But at this point I paused the songs.

"She's depressed about something. She cut her hands. You guys should think what you say to her." Mr Murchison said that to them.

I thought, I wouldn't care what they'd say actually. I don't even know myself why I'm doing what I'm doing.

"She what? She hurt Miles and acts like she's getting hurt?" Lara literally shouted.

Did I? Am I acting like I hurt him and got hurt instead? You guys didn't even notice to say this shits right now.

I played the songs again. Yeah they'll talk shit about me. Yeah, yeah. I should get habituated with all this.

They talked a lot. But it all was just a buzz when I was listening to the songs.

"I realized,

I'm the one I should love,

In this world

Where nobody cares about each other."

I smiled, yeah. But can I love myself? I don't know. I don't know where I'm headed.

The class ended. I came out the first and ran down the stairs with earphones still in my ear. I heard Lara shouting my name.

I stopped at the entrance. Yeah, he was there. I looked at him. He looked like he's so sad that he could die anytime.

"Samantha! Samantha wait!" Talia shouted also.

They came down and saw me standing.

"I heard you're cutting your hands now?" Lara said.

I nodded and looked at Miles to see his reaction. He started walking towards me.

"What? Why? Please don't hurt yourself. I'll leave if you want." Miles talked like he was begging me not to hurt myself.

Yeah, yeah. Everyone can put on an act and they'll be forgiven but for me? Oh hell nah, I won't be forgiven. It'll go down in history with me.

"Miles, let's talk. Me and you." I said to him. I wish I could slap him but this could suffice.

We walked down to a place. There was nobody around only the three of them were standing at a distance.

"Listen Miles after what you did. I cannot be with you alright? I've been through this. I cannot, I just cannot be with you!"

"Listen Samantha, I'm sorry. It just, it took over me. I couldn't help. We can try and get back together. There's no one better than me for you." Miles said. Just being an asshole.

Yeah I thought, if there's no one better I won't bother loving anyone!

"I can't Miles! Please don't make it hard for me. I don't love you and you've never loved me too!" I shouted out what came in my mind.

"I didn't love you? Yeah maybe at first but I really love you so please! Please babe we can make it work." I wanted to slap him. I just, I wish I could.

"I SAID NO, SO NO. PLEASE NOW LEAVE ME ALONE." I shouted, practically, at the top of my lungs.

He smiled. "Yeah I should've listened to them before confronting you. You're a nasty bitch and I should've listened to them when they said I deserved better."

What the actual fuck? Yeah, the transition. I've also had enough of him. I just smiled at him and said, "Well then now you're free. So fucking leave."

I started walking away but Lara grabbed my arm. Yeah my left arm, where I cut. She literally grabbed so hard.

"Ouch, ouch Lara it hurts!" Yeah it literally hurt.

"Yeah? Then it's your fault that he's hurt too! You know maybe we should've stopped him when Nick and Alena said you weren't the one for him." Lara looked like she could gobble me up.

I laughed. They are my friends or his? I don't know. "Then you should've. It's your fault, in a way that you didn't stop him."

She let my hand loose. "Yeah, you're such a whore. Just for the attention of people. You can't live without being in the spotlight right?"

Whore? Really? A bitch and a whore? Yeah, good things. I thought am I strong enough? I don't know.

I looked at them with a bitchy smile and said, "Then you couldn't save your friend from such a whore."

I walked away. I knew. I knew many things were awaiting me, at home when I'll get connected to the internet. Lots of things.