14 Overdosing

I thought and thought about it. What should I do? I thought, if I could just disappear. I went to the balcony. It's chilly.

I thought if cutting but then I thought I cannot cut deep enough with these glass pieces and sharpener blades. I need razor blades.

Then I again thought, ma takes some sleeping pills to help her sleep. She's a light sleeper. I thought, maybe I could have those.

I went out of the room and looked back to see if Sara was sleeping or not. She was sound asleep. I thought why isn't my life like that. I hope she doesn't turn out to be like me.

I sneaked out the room and found the meds box. I took it to the bathroom. I opened it up. There was so many meds. I thought which one should I take.

I thought I could search it up. Hah, to think I'd do this much research for a simple overdosing. I searched up all of the meds, what's their overdosing effects were but I couldn't find the sleeping pills.

I was so helpless and disappointed at myself for not finding the pills I thought yeah, yeah I should just gulp all of them. As many as I can.

I got a bottle of water and took 5 of paracetamol, 10 of hydrochloride tablets. I gulped them all. I felt like everything was trying to come out from my inside.

I drank water,as much as I could. I couldn't breathe and I was sweating, like really sweating. This was absurd and stupid. I shouldn't have done this.

I thought, what if I die? Will people miss me? Nah, why would people miss someone like me? I mean, I'm stupid and yeah a bitch.

I couldn't stand up anymore so I sat down. I laid down quickly and tried to breathe. Yeah, I'll die, I thought.

As I laid down I could feel my eyes close. I couldn't keep them open. They were trying to close but I was trying not to fall asleep so hard, I don't know why.

And I fell asleep. I didn't have any nightmares. But when I didn't wake up for school, mom came in the room and started calling me.

The first thing I thought when I came to my senses was, yeah I didn't die. That's sad.

I saw mom calling me and asking, "Won't you go to school today?"

I didn't reply or specifically I couldn't reply. I just stared at her with eyes open as much as I could.

"Are you okay? Are you not feeling well? Should I tell your teacher you won't be able to come?" She kept on asking me questions.

"I'm not feeling well now ma. Can I go to school at lunch time?" I thought I would skip school.

"Yeah, yeah. Take rest." And she left.

I closed my eyes but I remembered i saw Sara getting ready for her school. I thought it might be fun to not have any thoughts and go to school.

I was trying to fall asleep but the screenshots and what would happen in school wouldn't let me. I thought what should I say to Ray and Stephan and I fall asleep.

I was asleep for maybe 3 hours. Then I woke up. I looked at the clock and it says 10am. Yeah it's probably gonna be lunch time soon.

I woke up and got out of my room. I should go to school, I thought it'll be for the better. I'll face everything head on. But then take everything out on myself.

"Are you feeling okay now? You don't need to go to school if you don't feel like." She didn't notice anything or so I thought.

"Yeah, I'm okay now. It was gastric maybe." I lied, I lied on her face.

I got ready and sat on the table to have breakfast.

"Should I drop you to school today?" She was really worried and I couldn't stop her from worrying. Maybe I shouldn't have taken those meds.

"No I'm fine." I thought I was being rude, "But if you want yeah sure." I couldn't turn her down.

The whole ride to the school was really quite until I got down from the car.

"If you're feeling sick call me, I'll come and pick you up."

"It's okay ma, I'm fine. Really." I hoped I don't need to go to the doctor's.

It was lunch and our next class was Maths. He's our homeroom teacher.

I was walking then I saw Miles, Nick and Lara standing beside the staircase. I slided away from them and kept on walking until I heard them talking.

Lara: "Saw how she scooted away from us?"

Nick: "She's disgusting, really."

They laughed. I wanted to tell something but I was scared. I was scared to get hurt again. From what? I don't know. I thought they'd hurt me.

My eyes had bags around them. It was puffy and red. Ray came in the room.

"Hey Sam? What happened? Period?" He laughed as he said but I didn't.

When he saw I was like really sad and wasn't saying anything he said, "Sam you okay? I was joking you know?"

I looked up at him. Should I tell him? Should I tell him that I do self harm? I don't know but my mouth blurted out, "Ray you know, I'm crazy. Like really insane."

He laughed and said, "Yeah you are. I mean you were in a relationship with a crazy asshole. So you might get crazy."

I laughed. Yeah, I should tell them. My friends.

"Ray, I cut my hands and I overdose. Do you think it's normal?"

He paused for a moment. Just stood there and then sat on his chair.

"Hey Sam, many things happen and we do many things. So we all are crazy right?"

I looked up at him, I wanted to cry as loud as I could. I just wanted to let all this out.

"Yeah, yeah. You are also crazy, stupid." I laughed. I thought, maybe everyone should know. It's for the best.

Stephan walked in.

"Woah, this situation is really really depressing. Did someone died?"

Everyone was laughing. I looked at him, he's really tall I thought. When I talk with him I need to look up at his face.

"Yeah, I died and then became a zombie. Now I want your brain." I laughed looking at him.

"Why my brain?" He sat on the desk though it was forbidden.

"Cause you're the fucking second boy of the whole school. Damn brilliant." Ray laughed hearing me.

"Let's see what happens in the next test." Stephan looked at Ray. He was also trying really hard to do best.

"Yeah bro, let's see what happens." They did a fist punch and I just looked at them.

Then Ray told him, "Samantha self harms."

I looked at him, I was kinda shocked because I wanted to tell him that.

"Yeah everyone does, in different ways. What's new?" He just brushed it off.

I thought, everyone would look at me in a funny way or think I'm crazy. But actually no one did.

I told Ruby and Anika. They were shocked but they told me I shouldn't. Yeah I also thought I shouldn't do this ever so often.

In the middle of the class Ray threw a paper at me.

"Are you okay now? What did you do though?" It was written there.

"Nothing much, I took 15 random pills. And maybe got unconscious?"

I threw it back at him. I've never done this before. Talking through a piece of paper. It's fun. I mean the teacher isn't looking and we're talking just fine.

Max saw that from the other end of the class and laughed. I looked at him.

He mouthed, "Ooh I see."

And I laughed at him. Yeah, I'm trying, I'm trying to make new friends. I'm trying to live a life. I'm trying.

I got the piece of paper again.

"If you're not feeling well you should go home." Does he actually care? I thought. Maybe or maybe not.

"Meh, I cannot miss Mr. Soren and Mr. Palen's class."

He laughed when he got the note but he didn't reply. I thought I was a very good student before. Everyone of the teachers liked me. They still like me though but I'm not the good student anymore.

I opened my notebook. I saw Lara looking ahead not taking any notes or anything.

Hah, she might be stuck with me cause all of them are in different classes. I thought it was funny that I could make friends easily but she cannot.

I was really good at English and Ms. Rosela likes me and Ray equally. She used to adore me. I really like her but her classes are really easy.

Nothing happened in Maths class today surprisingly. Mr. Robinson told us about exams and stuffs and about some fairs our school is gonna take part.

English fair and science fair were always common. I thought I could take part in English fair though.

I talked to Anika about classes and stuffs and also to Rachel. Rachel was also really brilliant. She tries her best or compete with us but damn Ray and Stephan is so fucking talented.

Also there's our alone and talented boy, Nathaniel. Everyone calls him Nathan but I've never talked to him. Well he never really responds to me.

Classes finished and nothing happened. Well I'd say so because Ray and Stephan stayed with me the whole time.

Also Ray walked to my home because his home is also that way.

"So, what you gonna do now?" He asked me as we were walking.

"What?" I asked, like what am I gonna do?

"You know, about your relationship? I wouldn't ask how it broke but you were brave you know."

I smiled at him. "Thanks Ray, it wasn't hard it's just I never thought it would go this worse."

"Yeah, it's tough, relationships." He sounded sad and I remembered about him and Sierra.

He was really crazy about her. I laughed thinking about all this.

"What you laughing at?" He looked at me.

"Haha about you and Sierra. You really liked her." I was still laughing.

He pouted and said, "Sierra is like my Goddess. Don't talk like atht about her. She's the most beautiful person on earth."

I laughed out loud. I couldn't stop laughing. Seeing me laugh he also laughed out.

"Yeah yeah, that's why you couldn't get her and she didn't give a fuck about you." I was laughing.

"You can never get a goddess, you worship her." He laughed out loud saying this.

It's funny to talk with him. But as I was near my home I could feel my insides twisting. I bade him good-bye and ran to home.

I opened the door and ran to the washroom. I threw up everything. I was throwing up for like everytime I sat down.

It was until I threw up everything and all I was coughing up was saliva and stuffs. I don't remember what happened but I knew I came to my room and sat down on bed.

(PS- please don't take these medications written above, it was all for story purposes. If you know someone who's suffering from mental problem and health issues please contact a psychiatrist or a doctor.)