Nightmares

I was sitting on my bed. Thinking how everything came to this. And then my mind drifted to the parts of my life, where I actually had some friends, who cared about me.

I didn't care about telling Lara, Talia and Mia. I just thought about Nate and Stephen. They were my best friends, not so but they meant a lot to me. Until, until Miles ruined everything.

Maybe, this is the story that I didn't tell. Because, I thought it wasn't good enough to be remembered and I forgot until I broke up with him.

*Back in the day*

Miles: Stop hanging out with Nate!

Me: I won't.

Miles: Come on! It's not hard, you have us. We'll keep you company, we are your best friends.

I thought Nate wasn't that much of my best friend, so I agreed. I agreed to everything he said.

*Now*

I laughed. Was I really like this? Will I change to be someone I can be proud of? I don't know.

*Past*

Me: Yeah okay.

Miles: Babe, can you send me a nude? Please.

I thought why would I?

*Now*

Dumbass, dumbass. Really. I really did that. Why didn't I remember it? Was it really that much trivial?

I laughed, at my own self. I was pitiful back then. I mean, I let him do everything he wanted and he actually did everything he wanted. Didn't bother thinking about me.

It was summer vacation but it wasn't that much hot. And thankfully I could wear long sleeved shirts. So I pulled up my shirt and brushed my fingers on top of the cuts. It's been one day but the blood became solid over some places. Though if I want I can just flick it a bit and it'll start bleeding. But I didn't.

I didn't want to see it bleed. But I want to see myself in pain. Because I was a dumbass? Yes. Because I was pitiful? Yes. Well I'm still pitiful. But what to do right?

I thought, I'll just delete all my social media apps and just spend the two days reading books. I looked at my shelf. I really had many books to read.

I took out a book. I thought should I read romance or mystery? I thought hell no, what's romance? I took out the book named "Stars Shine Down". It's a mystery thriller. I thought the name doesn't match the title.

I read the book for like 2 hours. And then I had some snacks and again read the book.

Mom came home after 10 minutes or so. She changed and saw I didn't have any breakfast and lunch.

"Wanna have lunch with me?" She asked from the dining room. I thought I'm not hungry but I'm not ready to listen to her nagging.

"Yeah, I'm coming." I put down my book and went out of the room. Sara was there too. I thought it's been days since we had meal together.

"Hey Sara wanna watch something?" I asked her while she was taking food on her plate.

"Yeah, gameplay." She smiled at me and I laughed.

Yeah, we love seeing gameplay because we can't play them. I mean most of the games are on a computer and we don't have any.

We had lunch and after that I came to my room. Reading that book, I had thoughts like if there was a killer who'd kill me or just I'd die because Miles thought of killing me. I'm delusional.

I couldn't read anymore. My head was full with stuffs like I wanna die, what if my parents gets to know, what if the whole school knows. I just kept thinking about all the stuff and passed my day.

Miles: You like that huh?

I was trying to push him away but I couldn't. He is strong. I couldn't push him away to what he was doing. It was hurting. I hoped it'd stop.

Me: Miles stop. Please.

Miles: No, you like it right? Call my name. Say that you want more.

I woke up. It's another nightmare. I cannot sleep. It's, it's scary. I want it to stop. Before I could understand, I started crying.

I thought if I could just disappear from this world. I don't wanna live. I'm just, fed up. Why? I thought why it was happening to me.

I grabbed all the medicine from the medicine cabinet and gulped them without realising. I wanna die. Get rid of this hell.

I felt the urge of throwing up, I rushed to the washroom. I just tried my best not to throw up. I didn't. I just stood there, looking at my reflection. I hated it, I hated my reflection.

I washed my face and came to sleep. I prayed to whoever is listening to me, I prayed like there's no tomorrow, I prayed with the last bit of my energy until I felt drowsy and fell asleep.

I woke up at 11am. I thought, there's no one to listen to my prayers, no one to actually grant my wish. No one to save me from this hell.

Hah, to think I could be happy. I thought maybe if I could cut my hand and accidentally slit the wrist, I could die. I tried to find any sharp object that'd be sharp enough to cut through my veins.

I searched like crazy. There's nothing, not even a single razor blade. Then I thought sharpener had blades that I could open up. I did that. That's like really small. I couldn't grab it properly.

I sat down on my floor and brought a sweatpant that I don't wear because I don't wanna stain the floor. I looked at my wrist and thought please, please God give me strength to cut deep enough.

I cut, not once or twice. Many times. I see the blood pour out. I thought that's the most blood I've seen, coming out from my hand. I just sat there and saw all the blood run down my hand to my sweatpants.

After 5 minutes, it stopped bleeding. I saw the blood has hardened and like made a layer. I've read about that in my biology class. Blood clotting. I hoped if this didn't happen and the blood would pour out.

It wasn't enough, the cuts. I couldn't cut deep enough. Am I scared? To die? Why the fuck should I be? I kept the blade away.

I just laid down on the bed and thought, about everything and about school tomorrow. What'll happen? I hoped my friends will take my side. I just hoped they'd understand me. I just hope,

I just hope everything will be okay.