1 Chapter 1: RUBEN

Ruben once skated along the sidewalk of the street. He bruised his elbow when he fell in front of the addict's home on a branch that fell from one of the many palm trees that overtook our block. After that incident, and the many changes of bandages, he gave up his career of The Ultimate Skater of The Entire World. Ruben, even as a young child was so advanced or advanced in his use of words, I learned to read and write from him. Once he exclaimed to my father how he loved to skate because he deeply loved the feeling of danger and safety that befallen him as he rode every corner of the block. We were cousins, not even that, we were brothers.

One day, when I was 10 years old and he was 15 years old barely making through common core schooling, he gave me a tape that he had polished off during one of his classes. We were at the corner of the block in front of Solomon's house directly under the non-functional street light that always shined during that day and night; the light never ceased to stop unlike other fancy street lights which saved the government money for the price to pay them lights. Before he gave me the tape, we played cards on the sidewalk betting one penny. He won the penny and called it his "going away reward" which led to the boy who I was to cry with confusion.

"I'm leaving cousin, I though I told you. The put me to the top-tier of the Angels." He said reaching into his bag to grab looking in every corner of the bag to look for the tape.

"You for sure did not tell me anything about you joining that bloody gang. They kill men, Ruben! What has gotten into your ill mind cousin? They will resent you and leave you to rot on the streets. Is it for the drugs? Is it for the money? Or is it for the murder that they commit? Do you want that thrill that your father talked to you about? That thrill of making a man look down the barrel of a gun with all his fear and then pulling the trigger. Do you want that? What happened to that kid who rode his skateboard on the street and complained and cried for weeks that he had a boo boo. Where is Ruben, because I for sure as hell known that he isn't around." I exclaimed when the light on the street started to flicker for the first time since I was alive. Tears ran faster across my face than a car racing on Magnolia Street. The street was finally silent. The sound of broken windows, televisions, gun shots, police cars, white folks, nor helicopters disturbed the 'friendly' street.

Ruben spoke no words. He was the only Mexicano I have ever seen with blue eyes. They seemed to tell a story every time he blinked or even kept them opened during a staring contest. His bright blue eyes relieved a tear from their possession and a story was finally told. But the story was not from his eyes, it was from his mouth. He finally spoke with the tape in his hands handing it towards my direction. I looked down at his brown hand and saw the tape with a drawing on it, it was a music note with all of Los Angeles drawn inside it. My hearing got blocked from the memories rushing in to blind all my sense. "That is why I have to leave Cruz, I'm leaving you this to remind you of me, your cousin Ruben. I've gotten myself some demons and I don't need you to save me. This gang for sure promises death, yet, I live for that! I have no sense of morality, I'm the king of evil, you've befriended the Devil! Cruz shut your tears, I have changed! Deal with it! That boy you once saw cry, once saw playing soccer with you, once saw play music, once saw riding a skateboard, and once felt love for is gone. That ain't me anymore! Brush your tears before you enter your house, play that tape when I die. That will be soon. My long-awaited death comes to capture me and builds me wings to join the Angel's gang. Leave! Run!"

Ruben's face started to overflow with sweat and his eyes expanded to the size of the universe. His face turned warm and exhausted from the anger he presented to me. Ruben had never yelled at me before so I knew his reason for joining the gang was amazing. The street presumed its normal sounds, Ruben began to cool down, I walked away from him. I couldn't leave him to have the last words because I wanted to feel like I had the upper hand in or friendship. I stopped on the middle of the street and faced Ruben. "Aye Ruben, we die for this Mexicano blood. You want to live your life like this, then do so. I hope when I'm your age, I'll finally understand why you turned this way. It will probably be a new addition to the seven wonders of the world. I'll keep writing for you, I'll write about this conversation to show others that this is how they will die. Stupid people may join gangs, smoke too much, drive too fast, write their feelings out, kill themselves for no reasons, love way too hard, and scream their lungs out. Ruben, my cousin, you can leave if you want to, but I'm here to say that I'll support you when I finally understand, for now I'll be like God and watch. I'll watch you die and finally understand why you turned to the Angels and not your life. The Devil runs through that gang, and it's not you, it's me. Live with your burden and get the hell away from your home. Don't come to me and my family when you need shelter. Leave."

Ruben did so and continued to walk to the new house he would soon move into. The house was not that far away from our block, rather it was about ten minutes walking, four or five minutes in a car. That same night I saw him return to his house to gather his belongings and leave his mother by calling her words that my mama would never let me say, she'd probably chop off my mouth. I followed Ruben to the house without thinking about my mama back at home who would probably grab my ear out of anger and like she would always say, "out of love and exhaustion from work." I stepped quiet as I could following Ruben who had headphones on. Ruben once told me that he liked to have his headphones in his ears just for the feel and for others to not talk to him. Out of fear that no music was playing through the ear buds, I kept my quiet and followed him all the way to the street sign, "Begonia Street." I followed Ruben up to there when I saw the door open and a man with tattoos on each side of his arms and his face existed the house. The man had a bottle of bear in his hands that was almost finished, and on the other hand was a cigarette like Uncle Warren once offered to me. That man who stepped outside turned his angry drunken face into a positive drunk one and embraced Ruben with a hug shouting that it was "young Ruben".

I could barely hear their conversation, I was hiding behind an old car, squatting down so they could not even see the hairs on my head. I peered over the car and saw that man give Ruben the bottle and Ruben did take the bottle; he finished the bottle in one sip like a newborn baby waiting to drink from his mother's breast. It was like that, it was like a nature to Ruben to drink from that bottle like a baby. When he finished the bottle, his face looked like he had just tried something sour with an awful taste. His face squished and his mouth was immediately closed from the embarrassment of almost vomiting. Then that man gave him the cigarette, I moved closer to hear what the man said to him. The man grabbed him with his whole arm and pulled him closer to his chest. He said, "If you thought that alcohol was bad, you'd probably enjoy the next gift I gave you, this cigarette . It will your lover, you'll ask for another hit and another hit every time you breathe and she is not there. Breathe in on the beautiful air that the cigarette gives you and you can come inside."

Ruben, by his facial expression, looked frightened to smoke for the first time. He certainly knew that once he took this cigarette, it wouldn't be his last. That gang wasn't his death sentence anymore, it wasn't a curse no more, it was no burden, it was the cigarette that finally would become his living hell in his lungs. Ruben looked at the man who was smiling and took the cigarette in his mouth and breathed in. He relieved a cough and the man laughed out of joy. He was in, he was now an Angel that will drive across LA shooting random people who go against the gang, or will he become like his father and turn into the dealer of the gang. The man grabbed his bag and walked him inside the house like God grabbing a soul into heaven. He was gone.

I ran home to receive hell from my mother who worried "sick" about my absence in the house. She has driven all over looking for me. I told her I had gone to play a quick soccer game with Jalen and George on the other block in the backyard. She quickly became quiet and told me to go brush my teeth and then go to sleep.

Los Angeles rained that night that he joined the gang. The rain fell on empty beer cans on the street, discarded cigarettes in the park, angry homeless men holding up cardboards for shelter, abandoned dogs in the street, ruined streets, and most importantly, me. The rain fell upon my heart because of the burden that Ruben left me, grieving. Every night I stared out my window looking out a the light. I could barely see the light because of the bars that were on my window to protect from outside threats like gun men, homeless men, killers, demons, and the gangs that live in Los Angeles. I grew tired of looking out the window so I stayed on my bed playing with the tape that Ruben gave me. I didn't have any toys so I left my imagination to its "works" as I held the tape in my hands holding it high in the air.

The tape was like a spaceship in the sky looking above the small little people. I talked in many voices to act out the men and women who were on the ship. "This seems like a dangerous voyage Captain Rue, you sure we might make it. " Captain told the men and women on the ship to calm down that they would make it. But oh my, what is this? A missile has come to destroy the ship and kill all the people on the ship. The Captain told the crew, "It's the Aliens, all hands on deck! Get the weapons ready, we are about to conquer them Aliens. Get em you sick b—."

My father walked into the room to give me a hug and a kiss on my forehead before his long trip. If there ever was a man so perfect, it would be my father. My father was a martyr for his family, he didn't die, but he would die if it meant his family would live. Father worked hard to offer for his kid and his wife that he took long work related trips to bring food on our table. I put down the tape and gave my father a hug. Father carried me with a groan because I was heavier everyday; he called it "growing". He told me that one day I wouldn't be the one carried, I would be the one carrying my son. If there was a better role model for my father, it would be a lie because as my father held me in his arms, his heart touched my soul. His big heart spread joy to my face that I wasn't sad that he was to leave but I was proud. My father put me down and told me, "Take care of your mother, you be safe as well. I'll be gone for who knows how long, but I'll be back soon hopefully. Don't grow so old yet. I love you son." I responded back and he headed towards the door. He turned back and and a look like he forgot something. "Oh...I forgot, don't join the Angels, you know better than that. That gang ensures death, be safe Cruz. I don't want to see Cruz Aldrez on the newspaper next to other dead folks. Bye Cruz."

I held my tongue from yelling to my father to stay and to not leave but a voice inside my head thought logically. That voice worried about the money, I always hated that voice, it never let me win. My father kissed my mom on the cheek and said "bye" one last time.

Years went by since my father left to work in Texas to drive cars for rich corporations. Also it has been a while since I've heard something about the gang that Ruben joined. There is always just death and screwed up politics when the television has Jenny Davidson reporting daily news. Always different topics that define the world today like talk about constructing a wall, launching missiles, celebrities having more children, and new deaths in Los Angeles. So far, I've counted a couple of deaths, maybe 20, since Ruben joined the gang, but his name isn't attached to it but the gang is. I've always contemplated why the police hasn't shot up the gang and end it all, however, George, my friend from school, told me about the drug deal between the Angels and the police. "They keep hush-hush for some white powder." According to George.

I turned on the news, another death, not surprising. Death around here is nothing to really give a damn about since it is so common. Most people including myself barely even cry when a new death has emerged. In my memory, when my grandma died, a beloved woman who was adored by everyone who had contact with her, no one showed up to the funeral neither was there a tear shed. We all thought, "She is at an old age, she is bound to drop dead at any moment, so who will receive her earthly possessions." That was the basic thought train that ran through ever citizen in the area. "Who cares?" Was always the motto, other citizens call us "the city of devils", but we were the city of angels.

I was seventeen years old when I finally had the courage to finally see Ruben before summer ended. I must see him, it has been so long. The angels would cut my throat if I were to show up at their front door to see one of their own. So I decided to enter their house through their backdoor. I went walking towards the side of the house very quietly. My heart beat was faster than a bullet. As I turned to see if there was anyone in the backyard, the door opened violently. A man with a tattoo on his forehead threw Ruben on the ground out of anger. Ruben had been only wearing underwear and was quite embarrassed out in his backyard with blue and white patterned underwear. Ruben had a tattoo on his left arm, I can barely make out what the tattoo was, I can barely see three curves because Ruben was covering his arm in pain. He moved his arm like the tattoo was to come off because he touched it. I finally made out what the tattoo had on it; it was an angel wing.

My mind traveled far after seeing the wing. My mind traveled back to that one dinner that I had with Ruben and my Tía. Mi Tía told me that Ruben was a wimp because he disliked tattoos, he often claimed that they were just schemes by the devil to trick everyone into dying in hell permanently. I always wondered where he got that ideology on the background of tattoos. The Ruben that I saw making sure his tattoo was alright, was someone completely different. Ruben was a gangster. He probably has killed a man or has taken weed or powder from another gang and is already plotted to be shot up on the streets. I knew that he would be dead soon, the time was just arriving in a couple of days.

I eventually told myself to get out of the vicinity of the house and accept Ruben's fate. I turned back but when I stepped, I scared a rat which did scare me as well. The rat rumbled through the trash cans creating a large sound that sounded throughout the world. Men came out with their guns quick and surrounded me. Before anyone can shoot, Ruben ran in the middle with his hands in the air yelling to everyone, "Hombres, chill out, this is family, he is my cousin, Cruz. Don't shoot. He might be fucking stupid for walking into our territory but I bet he was just here to see if I was faring nicely because I left so suddenly. Don't shoot him."

Vince, the gang leader walked to the center with his golden gun pointing it at Ruben. Vince looked angrier than my mom when I came out of the closet which does say much. Suddenly, Vince changed his expression and began to chuckle, "Ruben, you have increased your rank. You protected your family even if it meant being shot. Aye, my boy I'm so proud of you. Take my gun, you will no longer be a taker of drugs but a taker of lives. You! Ruben's cousin. Look at me, if you need me ever, you're welcome to become an Angel like us. Now go home and do your schooling, no of us completed it, I want you to be the first to actually graduate. "

Everyone left to go inside the house, but Ruben stayed outside. He looked at me holding his gun, but a feeling of disgust and anger consumed me so I left running. Grandma taught me about the natures of all humans. The kinder ones are described as having a peaceful nature, however, the meaner ones have an inhumane nature. When I saw Ruben with that gun and tattoo, I saw his nature. He had an inhumane nature.

A year passed since this incident, I celebrated Ruben's birthday by reciting his favorite poem. I recited it in my room so my mother could not see me crying. Every verse reminds me of Ruben's fast decision to join the gang. On my bed I read the poem from an crummy piece of paper:

"If I am the Devil,

Make me at the top of every bad level.

Give me horns,

And surround me with thorns,

Paint me with black wings,

And give my fingers rings.

Give me a tail,

Showing that I am a male.

Make me a god,

They will like me a lot.

Give me sharp teeth,

So I may live underneath.

Surround me with angels,

Make them scared of my facial.

Make me equipped with fire,

So I can make wounds dire.

Give me a kingdom,

I hope son.

Realizing that I may be the devil in disguise,

I will be the object of demise.

I will rise.

So give my wings a chance,

So I may play this beautiful dance."

Ruben, despite his close relationship with me had instantly been declared dead in my heart. This day was like a memorial of his passing. This was the case until later that night where Ruben knocked on my door for the first time in years. It was a rainy night and thunder was heard as well. Ruben's face was consumed by tears since his impending death was upon him. He looked at me stunned like a deer in headlights, his whole body was shaking, and his pride had been left at the gang house. After a while of us just staring at each other, he broke from his fear and began to speak,"Cruz, that gang was a messed up idea that I had. You should've stopped me from making that mistake, I know you did, but you should've kept persisting. Now my hour awaits me and I ask if you can save me. The Crows want to kill me for getting their stripper pregnant. She is not going to keep the child but apparently she left because of that which made them furious. They are out to get me and the gang has been tracking me down since the incident so they can give the Crows my exact location to prevent war. They are out to get me Cruz, help!"

I became furious, "You say that I did not try hard enough when I tried to keep you safe from this shit. You do not listen! That is your problem Ruben. You may have protected me from death but I'm not going to protect you now. The rule around here is to let others die, not save them. If you save a person, you put yourself in danger; this is why I can not save you. Leave!" I shut the door and locked it. I went to my room and put his tape in my stereo because he was about to die and might as well listen to it.

His favorite song played loudly through the streets of LA,. The sound traveled towards the homeless men, the clubs, the empty ally ways, my high school, the police stations, and through Ruben's ears as the men from the Crows came and shot him in-front of the streetlight. It was his destiny to die like that, not mine. Ruben was officially gone from the world and I finally understood why he joined that damned gang. He was changed by those he surrounded himself with. Of course, my time with the gang was totally different than his time their. I joined the gang to save Jordan but when I joined the gang, my secret of being gay was exposed. Members of the Angels took advantage of that to lead attacks against other gangs. That was in the future but as I laid in my bed listening to the music, I can paint that whole future I lived. Maybe I turned into Ruben at one point or another, maybe he wanted to save me.