In this life, curse me your liege but hold me close

There had been many nights when I woke up in a cold sweat. Sometimes, I would think that Alex would come and hug me until the fear went away, but that never happened. Of course not. Never again.

I still remembered how he had looked at me that day. His crystal clear eyes had held nothing short of contempt, his face had been as cold as the snow on the mountain he'd grown up on. And just before I had closed my eyes, I'd seen him mouth something to me: "You can't force the heart." I'd thought about that a lot in this lifetime. Can't force the heart. Was that what he'd thought I had done? I'd always believed he'd loved me back. But apparently, he never had.

Xavier had put his hand on Alex's shoulder in comfort. I remember golden eyes tearing up and a sigh of relieve from his dry lips. Pink scales that glimmered in the shine of the torch they'd brought with them. It'd been just us three in the end. Just like it had been in the beginning. And I remembered hearing them say something as I drifted away that night, though I couldn't understand their words. I also remembered my last thoughts, remembered wishing I could ask them out loud: "What have I done wrong? Why do you hate me so? "

I never thought that I would find my answer in my next life.

Admittedly, this life had changed me. My parents had tried their best, but that didn't mean the didn't mess up big time. And the circumstances I'd grown up in were vastly different in this world called earth compared to my last life. I had started to resent socializing, for example, and I had come to understand what it really meant to be broke and to worry about bills. And I'd grown ashamed of my appearance for the first time. Because in this life, this body of mine was female.

Now, I had always felt slightly more comfortable in a feminine appearance. Many days I would use that appearance in my old life, too, but… Well, I still wasn't a girl. I never had been. I wasn't a boy either, per se, but rather just something entirely different. Agender. Nonbinary. Those two terms were the ones I had learned in this world and chosen to identify with. And I missed the chance to slip into a more masculine skin for a while. I really, really missed it. Being trapped in a body that didn't feel right, being told that my truth wasn't actually possible, being looked down on just for being me… I hated being human, I had decided that a long time ago. Looking back, instead of resenting the humans I had ruled over in my last life I now felt pity for them. The lack of magic was worse than I could ever have imagined!

So, yeah, I was different now from then. And yet I could not believe the words written down in front of me. A villain? An evil overlord, tormenting and toying with their subjects? That wasn't true! I was sure that this wasn't what I had been like those twenty years ago! Absolutely not, no chance.

And yet. These things I definitely had done. I couldn't even deny it. Just… Not like this! Had it really seemed this horrible from the outside? So many misunderstandings and I had never even realized it.

Worst of all, though, was what I had to read about Alex. Alex had resented me from the beginning until the end. He hadn't even so much as liked me for a single day. Every time he had to touch me he'd been feeling disgusted - and the only reason he'd stayed with me had been because of his family. It was true that I had been preparing to concur the mountains because of the rare magic ore only found there. And it was true that his brothers had sent him as a peace offering. Had he really thought that I would kill his family if he didn't comply? Had I not made it clear that he had a choice too?

Then again, I suppose no one would believe one of the rumored demon lords to care. And I had always been bad at showing what I felt. I still wasn't very good at it yet.

When my eyes were too watery to read the last page of the book that held my life written down so shamelessly and cruelly I closed it. I knew what happened next anyways. At least until the moment I died. That was the end of the first book. I kind of wondered what they had been up to after my death, but couldn't bring myself to rent the other books of the series as well.

Honestly, I had been surprised when I had found this book in the library. Of course I had been. Who wouldn't? But it hadn't been quite as surprising as what it actually entailed. Naturally I knew about the interlinked worlds hypothesis. It wasn't a big thing on earth, but over on seusmerifa everyone had known about it. The theory that the worlds were interlinked through literature. That every life could be a fictional story in another world, that that was the connection and that writers only intuitively knew what had happened and wrote it down from their perspective. On earth the closest thing I had seen to that was that joke "writer's block is when your imaginary friends stop talking to you".

And because I had known about that theory it hadn't been as shocking as I thought it would be to find that book. Not after being reincarnated in one of the other worlds. But the contents of the novel were worse than I would ever have imagined.

Maybe I shouldn't have picked up that book. Perhaps I had just managed to destroy every last fond memory I had managed to cling onto after that night. Possibly this had all been a huge mistake. And it hurt. More so than I would have ever imagined. It hurt, knowing what they truly thought of me.

"If only I could go back. All the things I would change then…"

It was a selfish wish of course. I didn't want to change any of it because I now knew about their suffering, no matter how painful that thought was. No, I just wanted to be remembered well. I didn't want them to remember me as a monster. I didn't want them to think back to out time together and think that it must have been a horrible punishment from the universe. I didn't want them to curse the day they had meet me. I wanted them to regret betraying me, to miss me, even if just a little bit.

But they wouldn't. I knew that now. Before I had feared that that may be true, but now I knew it with certainty. Because no one there had ever loved me, not at all. Ruler of love? Ha, what a joke! What ruler of love was despised and couldn't even gain a speck of love for themselves.

I couldn't help but wonder. Had I been misunderstood? Or just delusional? How could I ever have thought they would love me, when they hated me this much? And I couldn't help but wonder, as I lay there on the floor sobbing helplessly… If I had a second chance, could I change it? Would I be able to gain their love with the way I am now, the things I have just learned?

A dry laugh escaped my cracked lips as my eyes feel closed, my mortal body no longer able to withstand the fatigue of all the pain and crying I had put it through. "Huh" I thought as I slipped into unconsciousness "Maybe I really was that ruthlessly cruel tyrant they described in that stupid book."