Chapter 1

As the alarm disrupts the tranquility, my consciousness emerges from the cocoon of sleep. The room is softly illuminated by the morning light seeping through the half-drawn curtains, casting a gentle glow that fails to dispel the lingering tendrils of drowsiness.

The warmth of the blankets envelops me in a soothing embrace, coaxing me to linger a little longer in the realm of comfort. The mattress, a haven of coziness, molds to the curves of my body, offering a sanctuary that seems far more inviting than the bustling world beyond the bedroom door.

Outside, the world stirs with a subtle symphony—the distant hum of traffic, the faint rustle of leaves carried on a breeze that whispers promises of an ordinary day. Yet, within the sanctuary of my room, time seems suspended, granting a brief respite from the demands of the impending day.

Despite the internal struggle, the inevitability of the day's demands slowly permeates, pulling me reluctantly from the embrace of the bed. With a sigh, I steel myself against the lingering allure of slumber, preparing to face the day that awaits beyond the warmth and comfort of these covers.

I was in high-school and in my second year.

I had a plan to graduate and enroll in college.

After a refreshing shower that left me fragrant with the scent of flowers, I dressed in my uniform and paused before the full-length mirror to assess my appearance. The attire comprised a blazer-style ensemble— a black pleated skirt paired with black socks. As a personal preference, I habitually layered a turtleneck beneath my blouse. 

Draping the customary baby blue sweater over my uniform, I took a moment to run my fingers through my short hair, noting that it required a trim on the sides. A brief glance revealed the darkened circles beneath my eyes and the piercing icy blue gaze reflected back at me from the mirror.

Not liking what I saw, I took my bag and left the apartment.

It was a modest two-story building with cheap rates, a place where a high-schooler who's working part-time can afford. Climbing down the staircase, I entered the kitchenette area where the landlord was busy making breakfast and lunch.

He had found me wandering around in the middle of the night, and took me in as he pitited me. I must've looked like a lost kitten. He gave me a room to stay in, food to eat, and a job. He was a kind-hearted man and gave me something that I needed, so here I was paying him back by becoming a better person.

"Good morning, Izumi-chan," he greeted happily as he cooked. "Take a seat, I'm just finishing sprucing up your breakfast."

Another tenant, who goes by the name of Kurosawa Haru, was seen sitting by the dining table looking exhausted and sleepy. He was a university student majoring in the arts and apparently, he has the hots for the landlord, and sometimes it gets awkward whenever they are together. It seems that Setagawa-san has no idea about it.

"Good morning, Setagawa-san," I greeted as I sat down opposite Haru-san and noticed how tired he looked. "Haru-san, were you up all night finishing your assignment? You look like shit."

"Why yes, Izumi-chan," he said wearily as he stretched his aching body with a groan and cracked his neck, the bones cracking with loud pops. "I pulled an all-nighter and I'm getting breakfast in me before I continue with this goddamn assignment."

"Is University that hard to begin with?" I asked in concern.

He laughed as he ruffled my hair affectionately. "I'm in my final year, so we need to complete a final year project," he explained. "It's a 6-month duration kind of project, and if you're the type to procrastinate, this is what happens. University isn't as hard as High School, so don't worry."

I stayed quiet as Setagawa-san brought over two plates of food and placed a bento box next to me before he sat down. We ate and chatted amicably, laughing at Haru-san's weariness and complaints. The thing is, the tenants living here are good friends and the landlord, Setagawa-san, cooks for the tenants so we were able to bond over food. 

Seeing the time, I got up and put the bento box in my bag before I bade them goodbye.

"Be careful!"

"Don't be late for school!"

I waved goodbye and left the kitchenette, headed out to the front yard before hitting the street. It was a mere ten-minute walk from the apartment building to the school so I was able to make it to the front gates in time, exchanging my shoes by the front building and heading up to my classroom just when the bell started ringing.

Homeroom was bearable as it was mainly filled with jargon; filling us with the school year and I couldn't even understand the purpose of homeroom when the teacher tends to drone on and on about school rules, school updates, or anything related to school.

It's not something I would want to know either.

The second period was mathematics so I took out my textbook and notepad while waiting for the next teacher to come. I had my head down, daydreaming when I heard a noise so I looked up to see what the excitement was all about and my eyes widened in fear when I recognized the man who was standing at the front desk, addressing everyone in the class.

The man was beautiful, as ever.

Pearl-white skin with a sweet, honey-filled smile. Dark messy strands short of being unruly, nicely tousled. Strong, with big hands and broad muscular shoulders, and his eyes – oh God, his eyes, they seem to pull you into the deep abyss. Pulling you with a laugh even as he drowns you. 

He blossomed; after five years.

I felt the memory wash away abruptly, the scene finally disappeared as my eyes focused on the beautiful man standing by the front of the classroom. I had forgotten where I was, and I was returned to a place long forgotten. A place I will never want to venture again.

The world resumed when he broke eye contact with me, turning his head away to face the classroom as he introduced himself. His voice was the same, layered with honey and tasted like blueberry pancakes eaten in the morning. I felt raw anger course through my veins suddenly, and I hastily looked away, as I struggled to stop the memories.

The same confident smirk, the same wild-eyed look on a young, beautiful face. The brave child who pulled me out of the darkness, by his wits and his charm. The carefree and wild boy was the only reason the broken child that I had stayed afloat in the light. Yet, despite everything that we had gone through, he abandoned me.

That beautiful man was a stark reminder of my pain.

And I disliked being reminded.

I could feel his eyes on me, I felt uncomfortable knowing that he's there. I wished this lesson would end, the anxiousness was building up inside my gut and sweat was forming between my brows.

Seeing him there surfaced a thousand old emotions and they swarmed into my mind, driving their force towards my heart. A thousand horrible phantom voices and thoughts circled my head. I could feel my lungs tightening with every breath I took, and I shot up from the chair to run out from the classroom gasping.

You are not going to be cured, Izumi!

You are nothing!

Come back to us!

Be the old you again!

You know you can't change into a better person.

"Shut up. Stop lying to me," I whispered under my breath as I ran blindly towards the girl's washroom and entered it with a loud bang, aiming my way towards the last cubicle without a moment to waste.

Locking the cubicle door with shaky fingers, I staggered backward and fell to my knees. My legs had gone weak, unable to support my body as the panic took control without my permission. My breath became ragged like an invisible hand had taken a hold of my throat and squeezed it tightly without mercy while I struggled to breathe.

My brain was panicking, it was gearing the body for an attack, that it wasn't safe and it needed to protect itself and there I was, gasping and trying to breathe. My mind was fighting against itself, to gain leverage over the weaker part. It was telling itself that you're fine! Just breathe! It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay!

Breathe!

Breathe!

I let out a shaky sound, a mix of a groan and a plea for help as I struggled to breathe.

You're fine.

This is fine.

It's okay.

Calm down.

I have no idea how long I was inside the cubicle, but when I finally calmed down enough to realize that I was on all fours, I was exhausted. My body ached in some places, and my heart hurt. I could not focus and my mind could not seem to fix itself at one point.

It certainly felt like all my happiness had washed down the drain, and all that was left is just a gaping hole of sadness that doesn't seem to go away. It's like a cloaked figure swamped in darkness, knee-deep in black water, and had taken away all the light inside my chest. It continues to feed until all that was left is just a husk. 

You're just a husk, was what I thought.

Unlocking the cubicle door, I staggered out and headed to the sink to wash my face. I winced when I saw my reflection against the mirror; my eyes were bloodshot from all the crying. I looked like I was a ghost brought back to life; broken and battered beyond recognition.

I don't even look like myself.

Hating the reflection upon the mirror, I glanced down and gripped the sides of the sink so hard that my knuckles turned white. My heart hurt so badly that I felt like crying again, but I didn't want to start crying in a public washroom. I didn't want to expose my vulnerable self in front of strangers, let alone in school.

Letting out a deep sigh, I ran a hand through my hair and watched the short strands stick up in odd places before I left the washroom. Abandoning the idea of continuing school, I got to class during lunch break and took my bag. I walked out of the school, claiming that I was sick, and headed back to my apartment.

However, I was stopped when he appeared in front of me. It seemed that he had been wanting to speak to me, and he finally found me.

There he is, the beautiful man from my dark past.

"There you are, Izumi."

I sucked in a sharp breath.

"I see you've grown up quite well," he said gently. "I'm glad."

"Why did you come back here?" I asked.

"I finished my training, and they needed someone - "

"Don't lie to me." I want to know the real reason you come back, you asshole.

A smile spread across his handsome face, and he looked like he wanted to say more but he held himself back. "You never were the type to like white lies, Izumi," he said softly, his eyes glistening with a memory I didn't know. "I think that was also one of the many reasons I left."

I hate it when he speaks in riddles.

"I missed you greatly. I thought I wouldn't be able to see you again."

There he goes again. "Cut the crap, you didn't even bother," I replied.

With the scathing words hanging by my tongue, I forced myself to walk past him, eyes down to the ground and I knew that he was staring at me with surprise. Honestly, I was surprised. I was never the type to say things honestly, but I didn't care now.

I don't care.

About ten minutes later, I arrived home. I was in luck, there was no one around to intercept me and so I got into my apartment without a problem. The room I had rented was the basic one; a single room with an attached bathroom. It had enough space for a single person to live comfortably.

Sighing, I dropped my bag onto the floor and took off my uniform so I could take a shower to calm my racing thoughts. It was cold, but I was lucky I had heating and so I could enjoy the hot water hitting against my forehead, allowing me to focus mainly on the warmth spreading across my body, uncoiling the tightness that had curled itself around my shoulders.

The Gods are mocking me, sending this asshole back into my life.

Taunting me again, testing me of my patience. Wrapped in my towel, I headed to the bed and threw myself on it diagonally, letting my legs dangle at the edge as I pressed my face against the pillows. The familiar scent made me relax.

I let out a groan.

I stayed in that position until my legs started to hurt, and I pulled myself up, lying on my side as I stared out at my empty apartment. The scene where we spoke in the school hallway kept repeating inside my head, swirling around like stirring a cup of tea. The moment where his eyes widened in shock, the words that I had uttered; kept resurfacing until I didn't want to.