1 Plain Lame Jane
"Hiya, I'm Jane McCarthy and I saved the world from the evil grasp of…"
"Jane? Who are you talking to?" My bedroom door creeps open as my Mom tries to enter. "Are you talking to yourself again?"
"Mom please! Get out!"
"Okay, one more time from the top! My name is Jane McCarthy and I'm a badass superhero…"
"Superheroine?" Nevermind point is I saved the freaking world.
"And I…"
"Jane! Are you getting ready for school?"
"Urgh… Mooooom!"
Oh right! It's also the first day of school. Yea, that's right. This lil ole gal is moving up. Uh-huh, I'm a senior now and last summer I freaking saved the world from the…
Evil.
Devious
Degenerate.
Stephanie 'Snot Face' Kane.
Ex bestie.
Ex BFF.
Ex me giving a fu… wait.
You get the point, right?
"Jane! It's 6:34!" I hear my Mom saying with the loud clicks of her heels down the hall.
recently she started working as a waitress again down at the Sunny's Up diner.
I grabbed my bookbag and rushed out of my bedroom window.
Yes, I know what you must be thinking. Why not take the front door, Urrgh!?
Well, the window's faster, duh.
The bus sposed to come at 6:30 since its the first day Marco always comes late.
The old bucket of a bus arrives and as usual, the same faces of this boring town are seen.
"Hey! It's Lame Ja… OW!"
"Shit!?"
What did I do?
Thirty minutes later I'm starring at the stupid wall clock above in the principal office.
What? Did you think I was perfect?
"Ms. McCarthy… assaulting a student on the first day, this must be a personal record of yours, I see. " Principal Wellers, his second year here. Honestly, he annoyed me since last year he thought an hour-long speech on motivation was okay.
Ir was not okay.
"Is it? What do I get?"
Folding my arms I'm honesty not impressed by his sarcasm.
"Detention, but I'll give you some slack giving your circumstances."
"Yaaay… you're so great, Principal Weller," Like I really believe that.
"I don't need your sympathies."
" Well also, I just spoke to your mother."
"So?"
"So, we both agree that you should see the school therapist."
Therapy?
"Oh c'mon that's so unfair, I'm a super…"
"THERAPY… or you'll be in detention until college! You're lucky enough as it is!"
"Fine! So I gotta fake a few sad stories, Pfft it's no big deal."
Finally, I can leave! I hook my bag over my should standing up.
"One-second young lady," Weller says catching my attention.
"What now!? Want to recommend me a dentist too?"
"Your mother said you didn't eat again, here," I look at down at his dark hands seeing that he's handing me a wrinkly old dollar bill.
Oh?
"But I'm still a virgin!?"
"For the vending machine…"
"Right, cause I'm worth so much more than a dollar, right," I plucked the dollar from his hand before leaving his office.
"Christ same Jane, just get out!"
So I have a little anger issues, no biggy. I'm a sventeen-year-old teenage girl. Issues are all I got, besides the occasional vaginal bleeding once a month.
"Freak!" I heard that voice before but it sounds as if it lost some of its bark.
"Awe, its Brad… How's the lip brad? Or lisp, is it?"
Yeah, I punched him in the mouth.
"You're a dick! Jane!" he says giving me the finger as he walking into the principal office after me.
Yeah, that's Bradley Stevens… the big ole football star, Yeaah! Joking he's going to fail algebra again and never going see any playtime.
Again.
What I'm saying is.
He's dumb as a brick.
Three years of high school I learned there are only three types of people here.
The jocks, the idiots with the Letterman jackets with the bimbo cheerleaders.
They're all about pep... even though this town is borderline a ghost town.
The nerds and geeks, um they're actually pretty lit but they're so, you know… weird.
And the edgelords, the paint it all black group. I honestly know nothing of them… only the truly disturbed hang with them. Just think of any clique goth clique and that's them.
And then there are loners like me. Yeah? So that's actually four but loners don't count. It's like we don't exist.
And that's Pinewood High.
It's a high school.
In Pinewood.
Simple, yeah?
Welp not so simple since last summer our friendly little town decided…
Yeah! You know what we need!?
An eco-friendly nuclear plant!
Bull.
Freaking.
Shit.
Since the plant started up weird shit started happening like missing people and babies growing extra green toes!
Kidding, kidding… but seriously, that nuclear plant isn't normal.
I find a bench in the hall and open a bag of ranch chips I got from the vending machine. I could snack only on half the bag until couldn't find the appetite to finish. So I stuff the rest into my bag and waited for second period to end.
What superhero has time for school anyways?
There's always someone that needs rescuing or villain that needs stopping, right.
Ha ah! I got you now, Jane!
Oh no!? Whatever shall I do!
Hehehehe! My evil genius is no match for your monkey poop throwing intellect! MUAHAHAHA!
Poop you say!
Wait!? STOP! What was I thinking… that almost got weird.
And not the quirky kind.
Twidling with my phone the bell finally goes off. Quickly, Kids floods the halls as they linger next to the walls.
"Hey, Jane!"
"James? Huh, you look taller… must be the heels."
"Funny, no I ah actually manage to grow some!" He puffs his chest out proudly.
"Who's the lucky guy? He manages to make a man of ya yet?"
"Haha very funny you know I'm with Syd now."
"Again? Didn't she key your car last year? She's bat shit crazy."
"Well, we are in Lo…"
"Ew!? I'm seriously going to throw up!"
Ok, first I'll let you know Jame Curtlane is pretty cool, even if he's wearing a letterman's Jacket. Since first grade, we always had homeroom together. For all I know that's evidence the Illuminati is real.
"Earth to Jane? You wouldn't happen to know what happened to Brad's face, would you?" He instigates.
"His face? Thought I'd improve it some."
"Well, Stephanie going around saying that you're jealous of her new boyfriend.
"You mean boy toy? We all know she'd go down on anyone, right."
"Wow, umm… Weeeeren't you two like best friends?"
"Uh-huh if I spent my free time in the bathroom stalls starring at a hole… F her, we're not friends."
"Dang Jane!? What happened to you? You used to be..."
"Plain... Lame... Jane? Scratch that! I gotta get to class!"
"That not what I was going to say!"
"Eat a turd James and to break it to you kindly your girlfriend is… is…W-well, I don't know shit about her but imagine she got gangbang by forty old fat geezers then gave you a sloppy fat wet kiss right after."
What the hell is wrong with me!?
Just!?
WHY?
Why did I say that!? That is not how a hero acts.
I am just gonna head to class, maybe the dullness of learning would distract me some. Next time I see him I need to apologize.
I should.
I have to.
James one of the few good friends I got.
Friend? Bleh, I hate that word. Here it's more like people banding together to not be made fun of.
Who needs people like that?
The second bell rings as I approach the door to my next class… biology.
Great...
My face frowns seeing the name stickers on the long black tables each with two chairs facing forward.
Is this the third grade? Cause I forgot to wear my diapers.
Blah blah blah, the teacher says something about remembering names.
Yet why would I care?
Boring.
Jane L. McCarthy, I examine my name sticker on the table in the most distant back row away from the window. Something about seeing my name sets me off. One of the banes of my anger.
Jane what kind of name is... Jane? Besides that, I detest anything that starts with L.
Like…. Lamps.
Or lasagna…
Okay confession, I actually like lasagna but hate it cause, you know… It starts with the letter that's used to draw noses in old fashion sketches.
And I absolutely hate the word lame.
Pulling out my seat I quickly sit placing my blue backpack on the floor next to me. Mumbo jumbo or whatever goes in the background as I put my head down between my arms. I feel the coldness of the table as my forehead relaxes on it.
The table sways as a presence takes a seat next to me. Not that I care in the slightest.
"Hello class," the teacher announces. "I'm Mr. Greg Horton and welcome to the miracles of sex ed. "
What!? I thought this was biology? I stretch down into my bag looking for my class schedule.
"So first thing first, when I call your name please stand and say a few words about yourself."
Where is that stupid schedule!?
Moments go by until I hear a familiar name.
"Stephanie Kane?" He says.
What? That broad is actually here? I Thought she been too busy flashing money and getting a new boob job to be in school.
The sound of bubblegum popping goes off next to me. Looking over Steph jolts up to a stand.
She stands out wearing her bright red cheer uniform under what I assume is Brad's letterman jacket.
"Hi! I'm sure y'all already know who I am… Well for those who don't know, I'm Stephanie Anabelle Kane and is currently the cheerleading captain. So let's get along and go Pinewood, y'all!"
That cheeky bitch! She was sitting next to me the whole time and didn't say a word!?
Like we were never friends!?
She gets to be so god damn cherry when I'm...!?
My life goes is actual shit!
The… T-the hell does she take me for!?
"McCarthy?" The teacher pronounces.
Does she think she is so better than me?
Well sorry, I didn't ask for my life to go to total ass up!
"Is there a Jane L. McCarthy here?" He inquires again.
"Haha, yea mister that's Lame Jane…" Stephanie sneered winking my direction. "The satire of plain."
"FUCK YOU!"
Where the hell am I?
Why am I not in the classroom?
And... why is this chair so cozy!?
"Hello Jane, my name is Doris your therapist."
Therapist? What?
"Jane? You do know why you're here, correct?"
Huh!? how did I even here?
