2/8

If i could make myself fall in love with myself in 30 days. That would solve everything.

It wouldn't be very hard, but which "I" would enjoy it least? At least with this love, I would worry less about dishonesty, and worry more about desperation. Is it so uncanny, to fall in love so desperately? If I did fall in love with myself, then what?

I already eat alone and keep to myself. I hate hearing myself and I hate talking. Isn't that sort of compatibility too good?

The thing is, love is not qualities I like. Or else I suspect I might not be in love with that guy at all. Why did I fall in love with him? What was good? Was he really ever so good to me? I know that there are feelings, and they are unmistakable. But besides there, besides my will, what is making this work? He makes me happy treating his careless words like dog scraps I'll lick off the muddy road. I'd do it even if I didn't feel hunger. Perhaps that is why I have a resentment that seemed so out of place. He gives me happiness that feels cheap for something I don't really want. He gives me a motivation for something I hate most in the world.

It's painful being around him. I want to be loved and cherished, but I know it's foolish to want it from someone like him.

I don't really want a name, after all.

If love is just a feeling, forcing myself to feel it should not be as big of an issue as years of recuperating. Perhaps a little more unsafe and a tad bit more unhealthier, but it is meaningless considering the trouble saved. I hate worthless words.

What if I used dissatisfaction, in order to breed a type of me who could love myself so fruitlessly. Perhaps, I would know to turn him away, and perhaps I could live in a piece of mind.

The flaw is more in that being told to live makes me feel dislike.

"You have so much to live for" and "I'll miss you" are such garbage, that really mean nothing to me at all. It could be as heartwarming as you want it to be, but it tastes like ash. Support me in my entirety or leave me be.

I have no obligation to them. I don't need to apologize to them for not wanting to live. I shouldn't have to apologize for preservation of the mind. And I certainly have no use for theirs. It is an unspoken contract, for a bond, to understand that those responsibilities were always my own.

I don't know how to make myself fall in love. But if I could fall so stupidly, and lead on a chain for so many years, It should not be hard.

Imagining tomorrow, is fun. I'll see it because I promised my date.

Today, I will take myself out for a date. I'll listen to music in a nice restaurant, and I will not talk. The meal won't be too long, but not pressured to be too short either. It won't be rude if I ask for silence nor will I need to.

I still, don't know the name of the me whose meant to fall in love with that "I."

Saddening, but at least there is some validation that— even if I fall in love with myself, I'll still be that "identity."

A disappointing revelation.

After eating out, I'll replenish the food at home. What kind of friend- what kind of date would let their love starve at home? Maybe those spicy noodles that make me woozy headed and far less stressed- or that juice that makes me remember I'm hungry. If I feel lucky, maybe I'll buy a straw to share with myself. It's no good to spill your drink on your date, after all.

Thats a joke. If I was in love with him. We wouldn't go on a date. He does not love the things I do, nor does he have the care to be remotely interested. What exactly, about him do I like? Is it only out of the convenience of never talking that has let us stay together this long? Is it the thick label of tolerance finally wearing off? No gifts, no words, nothing.

I do not think he is capable of loving me. So I want to take that love for myself. To use or to feel, the answer is both.

I don't enjoy restaurants either, to be honest. But my date's home will just be mine. As my boyfriend does not suffice. I hope he leaves of his own volition rather than my own.

It would assure that 'me' that he does not want this 'I.'

It's foolish.

The thought that loving myself would fix any of this. If I loved myself, that guy would likely not be here.

No wonder I was his best relationship.

I do not wish for much, but thats because I never had known what to wish for. I didn't know if I could be loved. In this way— maybe that confirms it.

But thirty days. If thirty days, I can fall in love with myself. What then? Could I have dreams? Would I feel alive?

Would feeling alive actually feel good?

The day I look forward to hearing a heart beat, is one I wonder could exist. At least, exist while I am well.

Forcing me to like things I dislike is impossible, after all.

Today us February eighth. Tomorrow is nine.

Maybe I'll make this stupid body fall in love.

8:30 AM

Upon entering the car, I cried.

"What did you want to try?"

I sit back and wonder.

"If I could."

"You should."

To be honest, I was a little jealous of girls, for how pretty they were allowed to be. If not that, staring at my own sunken eyes frightened me a little.

"If I could," I continued, "I wouldn't be the me, that you loved."

I grimaced.

"But I don't love you?"

"No I don't."

I wonder how the one I love is doing.

"Why am I told that I'll regret it if I die?"

"When you wouldn't be there to regret it?"

I laugh foolishly. Surely the other cars must think of me as mad, talking and crying and laughing. Not really.

No one really pokes so much business into such troubles.

That 'I' keeps driving. I'll need to buy college books soon.

"If I fall in love with you, then what would you do."

"Well, there's no precedent to it, is there?"

It feels like my conversation has circled. Really- is there a point? If it is 'me' talking to 'myself' there is no need. And yet, indeed I can pretend.

I've decided to not talk to others for today.

I don't know how I want them to react.

...

I've been reading this scummy webnovel, lately. Not really something so shocking nor new.

I wonder why I can see myself in it? It's not like my situation matches one to one. I laugh, and move on. It's a very funny joke. To say it's excellent is to deceive- it's more of something to consume under desperation.

"It would be awfully funny, If I liked you like that."

If I manage to fall in love, would that be fine?

"It would be terribly funny, wouldn't it?"

Does it count as cheating, if the one I'm hiding behind my boyfriend's back is myself?

To be honest, it's all sort of a joke to me. Maybe tomorrow I will clarify.