15 Wishful thinking

To say that I was shocked was an understatement of the century. I know that there is a woman who looked exactly like me in my place. I actually thought that I made peace with that fact. Then why do I feel shocked again. Why do I feel sad, heart broken again? I want to be in her place. No, I wanted to be treated for my own place. The man beside her was tall. He has tattoos on his body and he is cold and emotionless to everyone except to her and his son, my brother Matteo. He looks like forty year old man though I know that he crossed fifty years. His look was totally professional. Grown up men would fear under his gaze. But for me I want to go to him and hug him and then cry for why he has left me and ask him who is that girl.

But instead I stared at him. My emotionless face on rest. My professional face. The face which I promised myself to never wear unless it is under urgency. But sometimes a small things even look like urgency. I fear that I will be unknown to him. My dad. I know that he is my father at my first glance at him. Matteo was still looking at me. What do he want now?. I don't have energy anymore. The fact that I thought positively until now is actually a shock to me. The people who know about me will also be shocked. But even for a very optimistic person also there will be a breaking point. And this is mine. I faced many things just after landing in Italy. I met one of my older brother, Matteo to be exact who actually shouted at me and was angry at me with the first glance thinking that I was his fake sister. Fake sister. And to know that I have a doppelganger who is also in my position acting like she was their sister and daughter. Again my elder brother doesn't know me and acting like we are just a business partners instead of blood siblings. And to that the doubt that they wouldn't accept due to my disability is also there... And then there is questions. Is my doppelganger a bish and acting or was she really innocent and was struck in this equation just like me?. What happened that I have to go with my mom?. And how they have so much power and why were people scared of them?.

These questions never stop. And that idiot Matteo was still looking at me and my dad and my doppelganger were talking to each other. My dad had a tender look on his face as he looked at her. I just want to go home. Go to advik. I need a reassurance that somebody loves me. I fear that I will be forgotten here. I ignored everyone still struck in my own thoughts and without thinking I asked Radha to take me out. I know she is concerned. I don't usually blank in my own thoughts. I will be always be wary of my surroundings but now I was at my low point. Maybe that's why I think Radha didn't ask any questions and instead nodded her head and stood up. To fetch my wheel chair. Thankfully I'm not visible to 'family'. There is a wall blocking us. Radha helped me to my wheel chair and without a word I turned towards the exit, asking her to pay and then come I went out. I sighed out in relief. My mask crumbled. My eyes watered but I bit my lips so hard to prevent the flow. The metallic taste of my blood that I bit too hard.

Sometimes the physical pain helps me. It gives me something to think. Instead of dwelling on my own thoughts. I fear my own thoughts. Even in this world where seven point seven billion people were roaming I fudging question myself about why I feel alone. They say that people who passed all the difficulties in their life with a smile on their face will become one of the best and greatest person in the world. But do I want that? No, I just want to feel happiness for once in my life. Is it too much to ask for? Is it wrong of me, selfish of me to ask that?. I just want to be a simple person and live happily. I fudging tried so much to keep a smile on my face for the world even though I am dying inside. I smiled through all the difficulties but now I couldn't. If it is selfish of me to ask for than I will agree I am selfish. I want happiness. I want to feel love. Even though I have all the luxuries there is no happiness in it. All those materialistic things in my life couldn't even bring a smile on face.

But i know if my brothers would give me a single flower with love that I will be happy. I will be so happy that i will forget all the difficulties I faced. But again it is called wishful thinking. These will only remain as dreams. Some dreams are just impossible and that those type of dreams and aims were mine. Impossible to reach.

I saw Radha exiting the restaurant with a concerned look on her face and I smiled wife as if nothing happened. Because that's what I am feeling sad for. Nothing happens. Because this is life. I just smiled at her and said nothing happened. She didn't believe so I said I have the urge to got to washroom so I came out. She sighed in relief but I cringed at myself for saying something like this. With the usual banter between us I drove to the hotel. I thanked the God that I have an amazing friend like her. She cares about me. But there is a hole that needs to fixed by my family.

Wishful thinking.....