Beach day
The day was bright, the sound of the waves was relaxing, the children ran laughing as he lifted the sand with his feet, the families had a good time together with other families, the intrepid came out with a jet ski or a board to surf the big waves. Everyone was laughing and enjoying their weekend on that beautiful beach... What a grotesque thing.
I did not want to go there, I was totally forced by the current of social pressure. I had planned to spend my weekend at home, completely alone and looking at a blank wall, but of course, not all things we want to happen, they do and that morning I had received a message from Lisa inviting him to the beach with his friends... An offer that I was about to refuse in the worst possible way... But I managed to repress myself, I almost sent her a message with so many insults and death wishes, that she probably would have reported me to the police for harassment and that I could not allow. So what I did was to get some air, think things over and answer her with a simple "Yes", which Lisa responded to with a lot of happy-faced and embarrassed emoticons... How I hate emoticons.
And that's how I find myself in this terrible tourist trap, with a horrible heat, with a bunch of kids screaming and crying, jerks trying to get girls on the beach, the very sons of bitches from the vendors who sold everything for more than twice what it would have cost outside the beach and worst of all, Lisa's very annoying friends whose names she didn't even remember anymore for the sake of her mental health.
What we did that day was bring an umbrella and a blanket where we could rest, the bad thing is that we didn't get there early enough? That apparently in that place the definition of early was three in the morning, since they had arrived at eight and there were already hundreds of damn tourists occupying almost all the available places. It took us almost an hour (and by late I mean late) to get a place available far enough away from where Lisa's father had left them (a man as stupid as the clothes he wears).
When I finally finished setting up the place, Lisa and her friends returned from changing... And how beautiful she looked, Lisa was wearing a bikini that didn't show much but enough for the imagination. The bikini was embroidered with pink flowers on a yellow background that enhanced Lisa's white skin. The bikini looked tight on the part of her breasts where Lisa was quite blessed and the lower part made the curves of her hips stand out more making her look much sexier. She also wore a pair of sandals, sunglasses and a straw hat that made her look like a fashion magazine model. She looked so incredible and beautiful that I almost started drooling, I couldn't believe how good she looked, those curves, those breasts, that navel, that scar on the bottom of her left breast, those legs and those feet so delicate and beautiful? I almost took the knife out of my bag and cut off each and every one of her beautiful and sublime parts. I almost turned the whole beach into a horribly succulent scene, with that curvilinear body in pieces, with its parts all scattered on the beach... That would be beautiful... But I could not... I don't know if I can... Perhaps... I can, but I can't...
-How do I look? -asked Lisa shyly as she tried to hide how flushed she was.
"You look beautiful, but you'd look better with a little blood on you and your head smashed by a hammer"
Again she was about to say something she shouldn't have, I didn't know why, but lately her dark thoughts were too intense, it was getting too hard for me to hold back my blood cravings, my desire to cut flesh and hear sobbing screams, when I see Lisa, I can hardly think of anything else but tearing out her eyes and making her scream as she repeats "Abraham" over and over again. I didn't want my feelings to dominate me, I tried my best to think rationally... But it is difficult to hide our true nature.
-You look even more beautiful than you usually do... And I thought it was almost impossible -That made Lisa, who now covered her face with her hands, blush even more.
Behind her were the two parasites, the black girl and the other one who is so basic that even in her race or color she cannot stand out. Both girls were wearing two bikinis that were not even worth explaining or mentioning. They were tasteless and without any style, so much so that I even stopped wanting to kill when I saw them. Those girls were too insistent on their business of not leaving Lisa alone and I honestly didn't care either.
-Hey, why don't you take off your jacket? -asked one of the girls, the stupidest and least insistent.
On that day I was wearing a jacket, I didn't want anyone to see my nakedness, I didn't have much confidence in my body and I preferred not to burn myself after coming almost under duress.
-My skin is too delicate -I said to the silly girl. How I would like to punch her and shut that annoying mouth of hers, but that probably wouldn't please Lisa very much.
After spending some time under the umbrella while Lisa and the others put on some sunscreen, I began to wander in my thoughts.
"I wish I could end all this, end this long, tedious suffering, this life of constant torture. I wish I could go on with my life forever, with time standing still with Lisa, to be with her for all eternity. I wish everything was faster, so I could cut her throat sooner and I could kiss those cold, dead lips and feel those warm intestines between my fingers. I wish nothing would end, nothing would exist, I would not exist... Why should I exist? I am the monster that must end everything, I am the shadow that must take that which has never existed, I must take the form that is dictated to me and live with those whom I do not love... If only I were stronger... If only I were weaker... I wish I didn't have these thoughts... If only I had these thoughts... I can't think of anything... Somebody help me... I don't want help!"
Thoughts without meaning, without a specific order and totally contradictory to each other, I can hardly think clearly anymore, I can no longer differentiate when something is bad or good, those concepts do not even exist, they never existed, for me both things are the same... I can no longer feel pain without feeling love, I can no longer feel suffering without feeling joy. I just want to kill Lisa and I want to protect her from myself... I don't know what happened, but I don't think I can go on for a long time, my mind is too dissolved, without a clear control, I can hardly do it... But I must do it, it is my duty, if I don't do it, I will die inside and outside, metaphorically and literally... But I don't know if I want to do it... And does it make sense to even think about it? Probably not.
Together with Lisa, we spent the whole afternoon doing mundane and stupid recreational activities, like swimming in the sea, running on the beach, making sand castles, burying myself in sand, eating a little bit of fish in too many different ways, playing beach volleyball, making holes in the sand and pretending they are swimming pools and many other activities that only a five year old could really enjoy... That and the great part of the human population... Although I was sure there was no difference between the two.
In the end, we ended up alone Lisa and I, it was almost sunset and there was almost no one left on the beach. Together we were holding hands walking slowly to the shore while Lisa talked about unimportant things and how much fun that day had been... Those moments made me keep thinking about what I am doing, what I am living... That fragile and warm smile was too much for me, the way I walked and how I asked myself anything just to hear my voice... I could see it in her eyes and I could see it in me reflected in her eyes, we were in love, madly in love, two pieces that finally met and never want to be separated again... The only problem is that one of the pieces is broken. That moment made me regret that I really didn't want to do it, I didn't want to do my duty, I didn't care at all, I just wanted to spend my whole life with that girl, no matter if it was short or long, I wanted to spend my last moments with her, alone, but in spite of that, I knew I didn't have many options, maybe my thoughts belonged to me in part, but I knew that my body was not mine anymore, it was nobody's, it is a simple chess piece in the great game of the universe, no matter how much I hated my mission, I knew that at some point I would do it, I felt like destiny was taking me, like a fish that moves with the current, it is impossible for me to avoid fulfilling the mission I was born for, I always knew it, even from the very moment I saw Lisa for the first time, when I didn't even know her name, I knew what my mission was, I knew I had to kill her, that was my only reason for being. ... And even so, I always tried uselessly to delay her, I wanted to take advantage of all the time I could with her, even though a great part of my thoughts and my being hated all those moments of happiness, I still wanted to continue living them, I didn't want to finish?
"And if I decide not to? What if I try to really avoid my destiny? Maybe if I used all my strength and really tried..."
-Hey, are you feeling okay? -I wonder Lisa. I didn't know why I was asking, maybe I hadn't talked for too long, or maybe I was making some horrible face or was sweating too much and looked very nervous.
-Yes... I'm...
When I turned around, I didn't see Lisa anymore, there was no one, only me, in front of the vast sea... A sea of blood, with hundreds of bodies of animals and people, it was no longer daylight, the day did not exist, now the sky was tinged with red and the sun and the moon were the same, a big scarlet red eye, everything was blood, the world was drowning in its own blood, the sand did not exist anymore, instead I stood on top of millions and millions of little sobbing eyes, the wind was no longer a thing, now it was sharp, serious, deep, beautiful and sad cries, screams and shouts, everything was screams of suffering and pain, screams, screams and shouts, my thoughts became screams and I screamed, all eyes looked at me and cried, suffering for me and suffering for the others, those who will inevitably come after Lisa. .. And I saw them, thousands of bodies scattered on the beach with eyes, they were so many that covered all my vision, they were the bodies of people that I did not know but that for some reason I felt close to me, as if they were an old friend, a brother or a mother, I felt that I knew them all my life, they were the bodies of them, of those who will suffer in the future, of those who will know me, who will see the suffering in my eyes and then they will feel that suffering, Everything was horrible, everything was incredibly horrible, the current of events was impossible to avoid, those deaths that have not happened already exist, no matter what I do, no matter what I want, all those bodies are already dead, all that is left is for my hand to finish the job, to put the knife in their chest and do what I had to do, it was so horrible. .. How I thought I could avoid it, how I could even believe that I had no other option, it is not that I had no options, it is that the options do not exist, I never understood it until that moment, there were no dark thoughts, I believed that those thoughts were not mine, that they belonged to some kind of darkness or monster inside me, but that does not make sense, I am the monster inside me, the dark thoughts are simple thoughts, they are what I wish, they are what I must wish, what I must do, what I must feel... Everything was sealed, there was no escape anymore... There was never an escape because there was never a way... Only a current...
"Death is death and death is everything"
I thought that when I understood this, I would feel more relieved, but it was not like that, instead, I joined the cry of the millions of eyes, when I realized that all those desires of not wanting to kill were a stupid lie, that meant that I did not have an ounce of good, evil if it existed and I was, I was bad to the core, I wished for everything bad that could happen, I really wanted to kill Lisa, I wanted to make her my blood girlfriend so that she would be mine forever? And I couldn't stand it... It was all nonsense... I had to do it...
-Hey, are you feeling okay? -Suddenly the eyes turned to sand and everyone went back to what they were. Except for me, who was still crying on the floor and I hadn't realized that I had been repeating the same thing over and over again for several minutes in shouts of heartbreaking pain.
-Please... Somebody help me, I need help, please, help, seriously, help, help, I need help, please, help, seriously, help, I need help, I need help, I need help, please, help, I need help, I need help, please, help, seriously, help, I need help, I need help, I need help, please, help, help, I need help, please, help, seriously, help, help, I need help, I need help, please, help, I need help, I need help, please, help, seriously, help, help, I need help, I need help, I need help, please, help, I need help, I need help, please, help, seriously, help, help, I need help, I need help, please, help, I need help, I need help, please, help, seriously, help, help, I need help, I need help, please, help, help, I need help, I need help, please, help, seriously, help, help, I need help, I need help, please, help, I need help, I need help, please, help, seriously, help, help, I need help, I need help, please, help! ... Somebody help me!...