-HEY NERDS, IT’S ME, BILL CIPHER!-
----
I hadn't been in the chatroom for a while. I wonder how they're doing? I even updated the code for finding my chat room a while back to see if anyone else would be able to find it. I wonder if aaxss://sxwtqfu.ti/b3RRUtI was too difficult to decipher?
I felt somewhat bad for leaving for so long. Then again, since the Chat exists outside of time and space...
[DapperCornChip] has joined the chat
JanLover35: Bbbut what iff JAn's really sick!? Iii mean liek no one has heard from him since he collapesd during that interview!
Student: Look, I'm sure he's fine. I mean, he's been around for like...years and stuff right?
JanLover35: Bbbur wa if this time he's not coming back?!
MysteryMAn: Look dude, I bet Jan's fine. he's a hardier dude than you think he is and if he is dead...well, sucks I guess
JanLover35: DON'T MAMAAMAKE FUN OF MY PAAAAAIIIINNN!!!
DapperCornChip: Whoa, what's happening here? who's the new guy?
Student: Hey Chip! long time no text~
Student: That's Myst. He's new.
Student: I also suspect he's actualyl a girl
MysteryMAn: And I'm okay with that
JanLover35: CORNCHIP!!! uuusue your connects to find out if jan is aLIVE?!?!
DapperCornChip: What makes ou think I know?!
JanLover35: yyou knew about CT being dead!
DapperCornChip: Look, that guy had an unhealthy obsession for 'hoofbeasts' and probably would have died even if he WASN'T strangled by a damn clown!
JanLover35: BUT yyou knw so plz check if JAn's fead?
JanLover35: *dead
MysteryMAn: Wuts happening?
Student: Chip somehow have plenty of mysteriously accurate personal information about us. I vote, hacker.
MysteryMAn: whay?!
JanLover35: look up JAN RIGHT NNOW!
DapperCornChip: Yeesh. he's alive geez.
DapperCornChip: Seriously Lover you need to do somrhying about this obsession you know?
JanLover35: Ssppace idol Jan-Jan is a belessing upon this cold cruel workld!!
JanLover35: thank time he's alright
DapperCornChip: enough about that. Whats with this new gal? s/he got onto the chat so I'm gonan have to assume they deciphered my link
MysteryMAn: ciphers and knowing stuff about us? I vote...an AI created for chatbot purposes
Student: That doesn't make any sense he's clearly a person. Or else he wouldn't have been gone for so long
DapperCornChip: How long HAS it been form your points of vewi?
Student: 2 weeks
JanLover35: 3 days
Student: Holy fuck lover?! what even?!
Student: How have you made so many text posts in just 3 days?! And I thought I post a lot
JanLover35: I ppprocess time on a differetn level from you plebians!
DapperCornChip: No need to brag dude
Student: What's your vote btw?
Student: for the 'who is cornchip?' poll
DapperCornChip: you guys made a poll?!
Student: just now. right this moment. wooo!
DapperCornChip: why're yuo all so curious about me anywau?
Student: just general curiosity
MysteryMAn: yeah like it's pretty obvious that Lover's some kinda time agent
JanLover35: HOW DID YOU KNOWW!?!?@
Student: you'te not very subtle about it
Student: it's actually kinda sad
DapperCornChip: I know right? Who uses the word 'time' in so many of thier sentences?
JanLover35: AAAAAHHHHHHUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
Student: seriously dude? All caps?
JanLover35: AAAAAHHHHHHUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
JanLover35: AAAAAHHHHHHUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
MysteryMAn: I think lover's broken
JanLover35: AAAAAHHHHHHUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
[JanLover35 has left the chat]
DapperCornChip: Yeesh. melodramatic much?
I spent some time catching up with Student and getting to know Mystery. She/he(?) apparently stumbled across the chat room when they found it linked on one of those mystery and conspiracy sites. Ugh. I bet the Federation put it on there. Still don't know how Blendin got in. I'm still amazed he's here at all. Isn't he somewhere in the far, FAR future?
Damn Time travelers.
Why does Time Baby allow guys like Blendin to stumble through the time stream but not ME? I swear his goddamn Time Police cause more problems than they solve and then it SOMEHOW gets blamed on me. Fuck, I might go and readjust all the clocks at the Time Police's Time district building.
Why did they have to put the word "Time" in everything?! It sounds SO stupid!
I spent the next week and a half just messing with tiny things around their office to fuck with them. Moving their pencils when they weren't looking, replacing the water in their fountains with soda water (flavorless! For extra grossness!) and carefully put all their tacks into the ceiling to form the image of a kangaroo.
Wow.
I really don't have a life.
---
Flora was getting close to her due date. I brought her and Pyrone to Dimension 52 to stay for the last week. Jessie sighed. "Will you be bringing all your births here? but despite her words, she had a room set up for Flora. I snuck off to get Quackers. She was allowed into the room as an in-training midwife. It would be a good learning experience for anyone who wants to be a healer. Pyronica sat with her son and daughter. Pynelope looked around the temple. "So...we were born here too?"
Pyronica nodded. "Bill was worried about my health and wanted the best healer in all the multiverse watching over me." She hugged her kids. "Flora's going to be fine. Jheselbraum is here. Bill is here. Heck, Quackers is here too." Pyrone, who had been mildly panicking, nodded. "Ok. I just...I'm worried ok? A hybrid like this has never happened before!"
"It's ok. It's perfectly understandable." Pyronica assured him. "If you're quiet and stay out of their way, they might let you go in to stay with her for the process."
Pyrone took a deep breath. "Alright. I can do this." I flew over to hug him. "I've been keeping an eye on both Flora and the kid. Come on. We can do this." We entered the room and I was a little less panicked this time compared to Pyronica's pregnancy so I was allowed to stay and help, keeping my senses locked onto Flora and her daughter so I can inform Jheselbraum if anything goes wrong. It took hours of careful, stressful work as Flora went through her labor, caught on fire multiple times and started cursing Pyrone out for doing this to her, for not using protection and just generally crushing his hand as she pushed and pushed.
I was sitting in a corner, stressing and creating more water to help put out the fires. It wasn't much but I wasn't quite trusted to do anything more while I was so worked up.
Finally, a large red newborn was pulled out, wailing and on fire. The proud parents coo'ed over her and I vibrated with excitement. Grandbaby! Grandbaby! Grandbaby! Flora conked out, too exhausted to stay awake, and Pyrone cradled his daughter in awe. I floated up to him with a huge grin as Pyronica and Pynelope came in to see the baby. Quackers was resting on a nearby couch. She was tired from working so hard. "So~" I elbowed Pyrone. "How're you feeling mister new-dad?"
Pyrone gazed down at his daughter. She looked a lot like Flora, round, red and covered in spots. She also had flickering white flames along her arms and legs as well as a large single eye. It was currently closed as she fell asleep after crying for a while. Pyrone traced her face with a finger gently. "Holy shit...I'm...I'm a father!" He gasped.
"Yup." I chirped. Pyrone's voice cracked. "Oh my void...I'm...a father!" He looked up at me with a wide eye. "W-what do I do? I...oh man...I…"
I patted his back "Breathe, Icepack. Come on."
"I can't believe I'm...oh man...this is...this is amazing! And...oh man…" He gasped. "I don't know how to feel!"
"Well, are you happy?" Pynelope asked her brother. He nodded quickly. "I feel like my heart's going to explode. I'm so...so happy…" He trembled. "She's so small! What if I hurt her? What if I drop her? I-I need to sit down…"
I made sure to surround both father and child with my power in case he really does drop her or faint. Pyronica and Pynelope sat down with him and the three talked long into the night. I felt like I would be intruding so I left.
There was something I had to go check on anyway...
---
I finally did it. I looked at the barrier wards, traps and other things strewn around my Exit door. It took several billion years (I was BUSY ok?!) but I've got the entire area fortified against intrusion! I know Ax would rather I didn't go out at all but I itched to meet with my alternatives. I even left Ax an apology note before coming in here.
I had an alternative motive, confront whatever was out here, trying to get in.
To differentiate myself from my alternatives this go around, since I was better prepared to do so now, I kept my triangle form but made a few adjustments to my appearance. I added moles beneath my eye, frilly ribbons onto my hat and turned my bowtie into a bow (which could still spin around, weeee~).
It certainly made me easy to tell apart from the other Bills. I wanted to visit Seb but had trouble finding his door. There were so many. It was kind of scary in here by myself. It was so quiet. The doors made no sound as they all floated around. Definitely creepy. I was having 2nd thoughts about finding whatever was out here...
Creak~
I thought I heard the sound of someone else in this Void of Doors with me (or perhaps one of these doors opening?!) and, I confess, I freaked the fuck out (I WAS NOT READY FOR THIS) and flew around in a terrified panic until I smacked into a door and got sucked in. I tumbled out and bumped into a Bill Cipher, a proper triangular one. He appeared quite surprised to see me. "Whoa! Where did YOU come from?!"
"Ah...hi?" I responded. Oh, this was so weird since we had the same voice. I blinked to see this Bill was holding some sort of party, there was loud music playing. There was a huge tear in the sky that I could see outside a window. Well shit. I think I'm in Weirdmageddon. I looked around. "Ah...did I come at a bad time?"
"You…" the other Bill peered at me closely. "My dimensional counterpart huh? How'd you get here? Why haven't we combined and annihilated each other?" I hear a familiar voice call out "Oi Bill! Who're ya talking to?" I took this time to materialize myself into the physical plane.
"Shit! Didn't know you had a brother!" I turned to see Pyronica, an alternative Pyronica.
"Sister actually." I corrected. She looked taken aback, as did everyone else. I blinked and glanced around the room. I saw all my friends there as well as some other creatures I didn't recognize. This was...weird.
"Whoa! You're a chick?!" OtherTeeth blurted loudly. I giggled. "Well technically speaking I'm a hermaphrodite but that's how it is…" Bill was staring at me in interest. "A female ME? That still doesn't explain why we can touch without fusing with each other?"
My mind raced. My panic was hidden behind a lazy shrug. "Heck if I know. I'm just gonna chalk this up to general Weirdness and be done with it."
The other Bill paused before laughing hysterically. "That works for me!" He slapped his leg. "Well how did you get here? I didn't tear reality apart THAT bad right?"
"Erm...I naturally have doors I can open to visit alternative dimensions with other Mes. And I think someone or something scary was out there so I ran into a door to escape and ended up here." I responded helpfully. Wow, shit, I REALLY don't have a filter. This Bill's eye widened before he smiled at me. "That certainly sounds interesting…" I felt uncomfortable at his expression but he hasn't attacked me or anything so... Bill floated closer to me and tipped his hat. "Well, am I not a gentleman? We haven't even done introductions! Name's Bill Cipher!" He laughed. "But I'm sure you already know that!"
What a friendly guy. I giggled, somewhat more at ease. "Well I'm also Bill Cipher but to avoid confusion you can call me Miz." I turned to wave at OtherBill's friends. They seemed nice.
"Miz Cipher? HAH! Nice to meet you Miz. Now as I'm sure you can see, I've got a nice little shindig happening here-" he gestured to the party and his Henchmaniacs all cheered. "Want to try the time punch?" He stage whispered "I stole the cosmic sand from Time Baby himself."
I giggled. "I did that once. Man was he pissed when he found out…"
"Really now? So, I'm guessing despite your femininity, we aren't so different then?" He looked me up and down as I blushed. "Ah...well I don't know? I've met a few other Bills so far and we seem to have slightly different backgrounds despite similar personalities and a few thematic fixed points in our histories…"
"Ugh. Don't even talk about fixed points! Stupid CONSTANTS in that damn lizard's plans…"
I tilt in confusion. "But Time Baby decides the path of fate."
"And who do you think taught that fatass how to do so?" He grumbled as he got a cup of the punch for himself. I frown. Well yeah, of course Ax taught Time Baby AND me how to run the universe. But that didn't mean it was Ax's fault Time Baby was such a little bitch. It's like blaming Dumbledore for Tom Riddle going evil. Actually, he really should have seen the warning signs and done something about it...ok, bad comparison...
"Time punch?" Bill asked as he offered me a cup. I took it and peered at the murky liquid interspersed with sparkling lights, like staring into a nebula. "What are we celebrating?" I asked. He blinked at me before laughing. "I just conquered the 3rd dimension!"
"Oh. Cool. I haven't done that yet." I sipped a little of the punch. Oh. It's been a while since I've had this stuff. I rumbled pleasantly. I suppose I should be more worried about the apocalypse happening right now (and having to confront whatever that was in the Void of Doors when I left this place) but this wasn't really my problem, besides, I have no right to critique another Bill on what they decided to do. Like how BlueBill wanted to kill his AXOLOTL counterpart. I wasn't going to help him but I won't try to stop him either.
"So…" the other Bill looked me up and down. "How is it that I don't know about you?" he seemed almost...suspicious. "I can see through multiple versions of myself in near infinite dimensions...and yet I know nothing about you." He twitched a little. "Kinda puts my reputation as ALL KNOWING at stake."
"Well...I can't see through other versions of myself. So I guess if I can't see out of them, they cannot see me either?" This was something Ax had told me about way back when. I never gave it much thought to be honest. I remember being glad that other Mes couldn't spy through me. Especially with all the embarrassing things I do…
Other Bill hummed. "Sounds right. Well. Would you like to connect with me? Pool our collective knowledge together?"
"No thank you. I find not knowing to be kinda exciting."
He didn't look offended at my refusal, shrugging nonchalantly. "Well, it's your funeral." He says easily. He squinted at me "The fact that you claim to have met other Bills and yet I STILL haven't heard of you must mean there are more Bills out there unconnected to the network than I previously thought…"
"A near infinite amount." I point out. "There are also a near infinite amount who ARE connected with you. At least that's what I'm guessing based on what I've seen."
"Separate infinities in opposite directions?" He asked.
"Like an infinite bubbles bunched together while an infinite other bubbles float by unmolested." I respond.
"A coiled chain of links piled upon itself endlessly with single links around it in concentric circles stretching on forever?" He stares at me.
"It's turtles all the way down in their own separate stacks!" I cried in excitement.
""And NONE of them fuck!!"" We both cheered before devolving into wild laughter.
The OtherKryptos stared at us. "I...have no idea what you two are talking about." Bill wiped a tear from his eye. "Oh man! It's so great to meet someone that GETS it!"
I think I might be a little buzzed, time punch was some hard shit right here, but I was grinning widely all the same. "Yeah…" I took another small sip. "It's cool to meet you bro. C-can I call you bro? Brother? Wait, wait! Onii-san!"
He choked on his own cup of punch, he was laughing so hard. "Fuck it! Onii-san?! AHAHAHAHAH! Sure sis! That's fucking hilarious!"
The two of us were probably drunk now that I think about it but it was fun to laugh. His Henchmaniacs were now thoroughly confused. After settling down into some giggles and snickers, we sighed in content. "So, what brought you here? You know, why did you come visit ME of all dimensional counterparts?"
"I didn't actually choose to come here specifically. I heard a noise and got startled...and ran into a door…" I admitted sheepishly. At least now I knew how to open a door to get back out without needing to use another Bill to do so. "I'm easily startled."
Bill stared at me. "Startled? Really?" I blushed. "I know it's silly but that's just how I am sometimes…but to be fair to me, been watching a bunch of Japanese horror movies." I may not use my Future Vision often, but when I do, it's for Movies. The only good use for it, in my opinion.
He nodded "They DO make some pretty neat stuff." I brightened up "I use them for inspiration! But then I get all paranoid of stuff afterward…" I sighed. "But enough about that~so you took over the 3rd dimension?"
"Oh yeah! Isn't it great?" Bill laughed. "It was EASY!" He bragged, buffing his fingers along his bricks. He gave me a smug look "You said you haven't taken over YOUR 3rd dimension yet?"
I shook my head. "Humanity is still in its early stages where I am. Nowhere near advanced enough for portal construction."
Bill looked sympathetic. "That sucks sis. Well, until your dimension advances, you can get a nice sneak peek of what ruling the 3rd dimension would be like." I smiled at him, not confirming or denying my own intentions toward my 3rd dimension. "That's very kind of you."
"Of course! That's me! Bill Cipher, generous and kind." He said smugly. I hear a few of his Henchmaniacs snort with laughter. "Come on, wanna play Spin the Person?" He pointed to the party games section where I can see Pyronica, Xanthar, Hectorgon and this strange lava lamp looking demon. "I've never played spin the person before." I said honestly. "Oh, it's real~ simple." Pyronica said cheerfully. "We spin the person and whoever it points to, the spinner gets to eat them!" She cackled. I hesitate. "I'm not really into eating my prey live. I prefer to kill them first…" They groaned. "You can spit them back out afterward if you don't kill them." "Yeah! We're just eating them for FUN. Not for REAL."
I shook my head. "That might be a bad idea, things I swallow tend to get torn apart molecule by molecule…" Bill stared at me. All the henchmaniacs stared at me. "That's sounds pretty fucking metal!" Keyhole squealed. Bill cackled. "Go nuts! Party like the world's gonna end! Because IT IS!"
Did...did he just give me permission to eat his friends?
Before I could respond, there was a heavy thumping on the door. "Open up! This is the police. Time police!" The Henchmaniacs gasped. Bill waved his hands "Ok, just play it cool. Ditch the time punch! Let me do the talking." I blinked. Wow. Canon lines? The door exploded. Seriously. That was rude. I frowned at Time Baby and his posse.
A cop walked in "Bill Cipher. You are in violation of the rules of space time and possessing the body of a time officer." I knew what was going to happen and made a quick zipping motion with my hand. Blendin Blandin opened his mouth to speak "MY-" and was immediately cut off, his mouth zipped shut so we could only hear his muffled screaming. Everyone paused to look at me. I shrugged. "I've seen that guy back in MY dimension. I didn't want to hear high pitched voice cracks right now."
Pyronica and PaciFire nodded in understanding. The other officers also looked relieved, hiding their pleased looks behind their helmets. I felt a quick pang of pity. How long did they have to listen to Blendin scream and complain on the way here? That's when they saw me and did a double take. I watched in amusement as they looked back and forth between me and their dimension's Bill.
"WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!" Time Baby cried. Bill glanced at me, I shrugged. He rolled his eye before turning to Time Baby and waved cheerfully. "HI you STUPID tub of lard! This is Miz, my little sister!" Bill introduced. I bobbed in the air cheerfully. "Hello~!"
Time Baby shook his head. "I SHALL DEAL WITH YOU LATER." He told me before turning his attention back to Time Baby. "HEAR THIS, CIPHER!" Me and Bill let out annoyed groans in unison. "Ugh, even in THIS dimension, he's annoying as fuck." I grumbled.
"IF YOUR RIP IN THIS DIMENSION CONTINUES IT COULD DESTROY THE VERY FABRIC OF EXISTENCE!" He thundered "SURRENDER NOW OR FACE MY TANTRUM."
I waved my hand in the air. "Excuse me? I have a question." Everyone stared at me, even Time Baby. "WHAT IS IT, SISTER OF CIPHER?" Time Baby asked. I frowned. "Correct me if I'm wrong, and I'm generally NOT, but...don't your tantrums destroy space time as well? So what is the point of getting mad at Bill for doing the thing and then doing the thing yourself?"
Everyone blinked at me. A few of the officers turned to look at their leader. Time Baby scrunched up his face. "BECAUSE I AM THE LAW AND I SAY SO." I scowled at him, placing my hands on my hips and using my 'mom' voice. "Well that's not a very compelling argument. That's like saying that you get to be MEAN to people just because you want to and you're making a stupid excuse to make people think you were in the right."
"I AM IN THE RIGHT! I AM THE LORD OF TIME-"
"No! Bad boy!" I scolded. "You're just being a bully. Laws exist for REASONS and if that reason is 'because I said so' then that's not a law, that's just you being selfish and forcing your will over other people just because you're stronger than them!"
Bill commented. "That's...like, literally what all laws are." he shrugged "Which isn't really a problem, I just have to be the most powerful and then MY word becomes law."
I snarled and flew forward to poke Time Baby's cheek. "EXACTLY! Now, are you seriously going to enforce an unjust, pointless law based on an ideal that even Bill AGREES with-"
"Hey!" Bill protested.
"-or are you a paragon of Good who's going to make laws and punishments that ACTUALLY make sense?" I continued. "Or would you rather do things that make NO sense just, like, BILL, does?" If there was one thing MY Time Baby hated more than anything else, it was being compared to ME. I'm sure this one felt the same.
At my words, the Henchmaniacs AND the police squad all gasped. Bill was staring at me wide eyed. Time Baby looked gobsmacked. "B-BUT...CIPHER HAS BROKEN THE LAWS OF SPACE TIME...HE NEEDS TO BE PUNISHED…"
I rolled my eye. "So, your idea of a punishment is DESTROYING THE WORLD with one of your tantrums, the EXACT SAME thing you CLAIM you are here to stop Bill from doing?"
The logic loop made Time Baby hold his head and whine. His eyes watered. "YOU...YOU…" He looked like no one had ever spoken to him like that before. I narrowed my eye at him. "Go to your room right NOW young man. Go and think about what you did." My mom voice was in full effect, I've been able to reduce the twins to tears whenever they misbehaved. Damn, I miss being able to do that. They kinda developed an immunity to it over time.
Time Baby however, has not. He whimpered and backed off before teleporting himself and his posse away. There was a stunned silence. "Oh snap! Did you just make Time Baby run away crying?" Kryptos gasped. Everyone cheered and the music came back on as they continued to party. I blinked. Well...at least no one died?
Kryptos invited me to dance with him. I giggled and decided to just have fun. Dancing was safer than playing Spin the Person. As we danced, Kryptos asked "So, you're Bill's female counterpart? That's pretty cool." He grinned at me charmingly. "So, you single?" I burst out laughing. Kryptos flirting with me? How hilarious was that? I should tell Kryptos about this when I get home, should make for a good laugh. Really, Kryptos being into me? How ridiculous. "Sorry dude. I'm not really looking for a relationship right now."
Kryptos shrugged. "Welp. I tried." He didn't seem all that disappointed. I laughed and we danced some more. I notice 8-Ball and Teeth walk up to Bill. "Hey boss, Pinetree ain't gonna wait for us to eat him. Aren't you worried he's gonna cause some trouble?" Teeth waved his hands in the air "Yeah! Trouble with Mabel's bubble?"
Bill scoffed, clearly not considering Dipper an adequate threat. I shrugged and left him to it. This was feeling a lot like Canon. Which dimension was I even in?! We partied all night and into the next day. Did these guys not sleep? The eyebats came in with petrified townspeople and Bill asked us to help stack them into a frozen throne of human agony. I couldn't stop myself from helping, I liked stacking things. Weee~
Bill held up the golden Ford and tapped a giant fork against him. He made a speech (offended a creature with 80-something faces) and sent everyone to go and spread the party to the rest of the world. I winced when they hit the dome. That looked painful. Bill freaked the fuck out over the barrier. He turned to me "DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?!"
"I suspect it has to do with the weirdness magnetism." I shrugged. "But other than that I don't know." I took this moment to make an observation. "You have an eyebrow. That's pretty cool. I don't have an eyebrow." Bill gave me a weird look before he went back to screaming obscenities in multiple languages.
As Bill ranted angrily, I healed his Henchmaniacs. They stared at me in awe. "I didn't know Bill could heal people." I scoffed. "Could and would are two different things. Just cause he's capable of it doesn't mean he'll do it." They nodded, understanding my point.
They seemed confused about why I was healing them. "Well, you're Bill's friends right? Friends help each other." They seemed quite confused at that "But healing us is giving us something without anything in return." I pet 8-Ball's head. "It's not nothing. If I heal you, you're alive and healthy, which means you can be friends for longer." I grin down at him. "It's what I do with my friends back home. I heal them over and over again so they can never die. So they can never leave me. So they have no choice but to be my friend forever…"
The Henchmaniacs all shuddered "How do you make healing sound so threatening?!" Teeth shivered. "Well she IS a Bill Cipher…" Pyronica pointed out, staring at me in awe. "You're so cool!"
I flushed. Me? Cool? "Really?" They all nodded. I pressed my hands to my plane and blushed. "Aw~you guys are cool too." We laughed quietly as Bill raged in the background. I saw him pick up GoldenFord and mutter to himself. Keyhole ran in to tell Bill something. Oh, I guess Pinetree got to Shooting Star's bubble by now. Well, might as well see how this plays out. I noticed a reporter lady and a cameraman. Oh. Hey, I remember this. I watched her get turned to stone and the eyebat handed her to me to stack on the throne. Ooh~I know a good place to fit her.
I took that time to visit Gideon. He was still dancing adorably. "Hello, little one." I greeted him. He panted with exhaustion. I reached in to lift him up so he could rest for a bit. The Curse was pretty simple, so long as his legs touched the bottom of his cage he would continue dancing. As I floated him in midair he gasped in relief. "T-thank you?" He panted. I handed him a cup of water. "Geez, Bill is terrible at taking care of his pets…" I muttered. Gideon frowned at that but didn't protest the only real kindness he's gotten in the past day. "Are you hungry little guy? I can get you some human food." I coo'ed at him.
He nodded slowly. "T-that would be mighty kind of you...erm...sorry but I…" He glanced between me and Bill who finally calmed down and flew off holding GoldenFord. I wonder if I should go talk to him? "...I don't know yer name sir."
I laughed softly. "I'm a ma'am for one thing. You can call me Miz Cipher. It's nice to meet you little one." He was so round and adorable, no wonder Bill kept him as a pet. I wonder if I could get my own Gideon pet someday?
His eyes widened "Ah, sorry for the mistake ma'am." I hand him a normal, human appropriate sandwich. "No problem. I can see where you might be confused."
He took the sandwich (a steak and cheese sub with some spinach) and ate ravenously. I pet his hair as he scarfed down the sandwich. It really WAS soft. He stared up at me once he was done eating. "Um…" I continued petting him. He gave me a weird look. "No offense but ah...can you stop that...please?" I let go. "Sorry." I blinked at him. "Try to get some sleep, you'll have to dance again when my brother comes back though." He groaned. "Can't ya...free me?"
"Bill would get mad. Sorry." Gideon looked sad but nodded. "Alright. I understand." I gave him a pillow and floated up to the penthouse. "Hey onii-san?" I called out. I hear some screaming and went in to see Bill torturing Ford. Bill turned to me. "What's up Sis?" Ford's eyes went wide as he stared back and forth between me and Bill. "I was just wondering why you left the party."
"Well, this killjoy here, doesn't want to give me the method of taking down the damn barrier." Bill snarled. "I've been electrocuting him but he ain't cracking."
"Have you tried asking nicely?" I suggested. Bill and Ford gave me identical looks of befuddlement. "Asking...nicely?" Bill said slowly. I shrugged. "Well if torture doesn't work, then do the opposite."
"I already offered him infinite power!" Bill whined. I rolled my eye. "Have you explained WHY you're taking over the 3rd dimension?" Bill blinked. "Why would I have to do that?" I floated closer and whispered to him "Humans are emotional creatures. They're more likely to do what you want if you can get their sympathy." Bill gave me a considering look. "You...know how humans work?"
"They're pretty simple once you get it." I told him. Bill turned to glance at Ford who was straining to listen to our conversation. "Just tell him a tragic sob story. Humans LOVE those." I'm not sure I should be helping Bill get Ford on his side...but it was better than Ford being tortured for an entire day. And who knows, maybe Bill and Ford can even come to a compromise. Bill squinted at me "How do you know so much about how humans work?"
I laughed. "I know LOTS of things." Bill snorted. "I walked right into that one."
We fist bumped. Poor Ford looked like he was going to have an aneurysm. "You have a sister?!" he cried, hoarse and strangled. Bill turned back to Ford and snapped his fingers. Fuck, why is it that EVERYONE can snap their fingers so easily?! Ford found himself freed from his chains and settled onto a comfortable armchair. A table appeared along with a teapot and cups. "Hey Sixer. We need to talk." Bill said as he settled into another armchair.
I sat down to watch the proceedings.
----
Bill and Ford had talked long into the night. I brought Ford some proper human food. Bill got frustrated at his stubbornness but they've started working on compromises. "Well what if I left your stupid planet alone and colonized Mars instead?!" Bill snarled. Ford considered it. "And you promise you wouldn't harm the Earth or it's inhabitants?"
Frankly, it took hours just to get Ford to even AGREE to compromise. I had to play peacemaker between them as they both lost their tempers multiple times. What finally got them to settle down was me mentioning casually how similar they were. Much like how Time Baby hated being compared to Bill, Ford also didn't like the idea that he was anything like Bill. "Look buster, you're a stubborn ass who refuses to listen to anyone else's opinion because you think you know EVERYTHING. And, no offense Nii-san, but you're very much like that too."
"Watch your words sis." He growled. I rolled my eye. "You're not gonna get anywhere from being stubborn. It's a waste of your time, HIS time and my time. It's simply not practical. Torturing him isn't gonna make him talk. Appealing to him isn't working because he's a stubborn ass-"
"HEY!" Ford protested.
"-So why not compromise?"
Bill had stared at me suspiciously. I shook my head. "I'm not ordering you to do this. I'm just giving you a suggestion for a better course of action." I told him. He growled. "I know you hate listening to other people's plans, but you're here, in the 3rd dimension, you've gotten your physical form and the power that comes with it. You have the rip in space-time you can pull everyone through into the 3rd dimension. I'm just saying, either you compromise with Ford to find a solution you are both happy with, or you're stuck in this stupid hick town forever, and that's almost as bad as being trapped in a decaying dimension." I pointed out.
The only reason Bill's been so accommodating with me is because we sized each other up during our original conversation, hiding careful probes at each other's energy under our cheerful conversation. Essentially. We were around equal in strength and he didn't know if he could take me in a fight nor did I know if I could defeat him either. Our conversation had essentially been 'I don't fuck with you and you won't fuck with me'. So he knew I wasn't his ally but I wasn't his enemy either.
So Bill considered my words and weighed them.
The two finally gave in, Ford because he was interested in how...reasonable I sounded, and Bill because he understood what I meant about practicality.
So now they had gotten the debate down to 'where can Bill and his people go'.
"Ugh, fine! I won't 'harm' the Earth or whatever." Bill rolled his eye. Ford growled. I got between them again. "Ford. Can we talk? Like…" I led him away "Ford, I'm gonna be honest." I sighed. "If you weren't so cute I wouldn't be trying so hard to keep nii-san from torturing you for all eternity." Ford blushed. I rolled my eye. "Look, what I'm trying to say is that you don't really have much of a choice here. Bill's an all powerful chaos god. And he's WILLING to try and find a compromise where you can both be happy."
Ford sighed. "Alright. But how do I know he won't go back on his word?"
"That's easy." Me and Bill glanced at each other "Make a Deal."
Ford shuddered. "No."
"Well if it's not a Deal, I have no reason to keep to my end of the bargain." Bill scoffed.
I groaned in annoyance. "You know what? Screw both you stubborn jerks!" I left the room to get back to the party. Of course, that was when the door (that Bill fixed from when the Time Police showed up) was busted open by a robot arm with a freaking t-rex on it. My eye goes wide.
Giant robot.
Giant robot.
Giant robot.
GIANT ROBOT!
I squee'd.
Bill and Ford came down to check out the commotion. Ford grinned as Bill made an angry sound. "What?! I just fixed that door!" he sent the henchmaniacs down to fight the Shack-Tron. I squealed in excitement while chanting "Giant robot fight! Giant robot fight! Giant robot fight!"
Bill gave me an annoyed look. "Please tell me you're not cheering the humans on." I shrugged "Sorry, this is just so...entertaining." Having to make excuses was annoying but if this Bill was malicious, I didn't want him turning on me. He rolled his eye and turned back to Ford to argue some more, sure that his Henchmaniacs would take care of this.
I floated over to Gideon's cage, I had asked Bill for permission to play with his 'pet' so I could let the child rest, eat and use a bathroom I created for him. Currently he was dancing a cute jig and looked relieved when I came over to float him up. He gasped for air. "Are you alright kid?" I turned him over mid air so he was facing me. He nodded. "Y-yeah. Thank you kindly Miz Cipher." He painted.
I shrank myself down so I could sit on top of his cage and still get a view of the badass giant robot fight outside. "Giant robot giant robot…" I wiggled in delight. Gideon glanced up at where I was perched. "Beg your pardon ma'am, what's happening?"
"The citizens and inhabitants of Gravity Falls who weren't captured and petrified turned the Mystery Shack into a giant robot and they're beating the shit out of Bill's friends." I shrugged. Oh. There goes Xanthar. Super weird how this one could make sounds.
Bill groaned "Guys, seriously? You had, like, one job to do here." Ford cheered "Bravo Dipper and Mabel!" Bill narrowed his eye at Ford. "Well, would you look at that. You really care about them...don't you?"
"What do you- oh no."
Bill sneered "Maybe torturing those kids would make you give in and cooperate…" Ford shook his head "No no no the kids, you can't-!" he tried to protest but Bill turned him back into gold and floats toward the broken door.
"Let's get this over with...sis, are you helping or what?"
"Naw, I just like watching." I materialized some chips and munched on them. Bill narrowed his eye at me. "You wouldn't be hoping to take over once I turn my back are you?"
"Please~why would I want your sloppy seconds~" I shrugged. "This was just a fun romp through the multiverse. You do you. I'm just here for the free entertainment."
He squinted at me but ultimately decided it wasn't worth it. He couldn't force me to do anything, just like how, if I tried to stop him from anything HE wanted to do, I would get beaten down. It wasn't quite a truce since we weren't in opposition but he's not dumb enough to trust me. I doubt he trusts anyone.
I watched him head out to fight the Shack-tron and sighed. It was hard to keep my mouth shut about what was happening. I sat down on Gideon's cage. "This is a mess." I grumbled. He was staring outside but I doubt he could see much where he was positioned. "What's happenin' Ma'am?" He asked.
"Well, from what I can see, the fight is nothing more than a distraction to keep Bill occupied while the relevant members of the cast stage a rescue operation." I shrugged. "Hey. I'm going to put you down now. Don't worry. It won't be for long." He looked confused but started dancing again as I placed him back down and shrank even more to hide in his hair.
"W-what are ya doing?" He gasped. "I doubt your rescuers would be all that thrilled to see me here. I'd rather not get attacked the instant they see me." I explained as I settled in. "Also, seeing you being punished by Bill will earn sympathy points from Mabel. I doubt she'll ever date you, you hurt her family too many times for that, but she may feel bad enough to forgive you a little bit."
"Y-you really think so?"
"It'll be up to you to get forgiveness for everything else though." I point out. He nodded. "Just be honest with her, sincerity is a thing people appreciate." I can't believe I'm here, giving Gideon relationship advice. He nodded before asking "Why're you helpin' me?"
"...I actually like humans and I don't want to see Bill destroy you all." I say. "But I don't want to see Bill be destroyed either...I've been trying to convince Bill and Ford to make a compromise with each other. Hasn't been going well."
"So...you don't want to help Bill destroy the world?'
"He has his reasons. I won't stop him. But if I can make him choose to stop on his own-"
"Oof!"
Looks like the rescue team is here. I burrowed deeper into Gideon's hair and closed my eye to open my Eye and watch the proceedings.
"Oh man, it looks even worse up close." "I found great uncle Ford! He's golden...and not in the good way." "Great. Grab him and lets get outta here." "But how are we going to unfreeze him?"
I nudged Gideon "There's your cue."
"I know!" Gideon gasped loudly. I sat back and just listened to the rest of this. Hm...I wonder if I should LET the zodiac finish it's thing? I was curious what it would do…no, too dangerous. It might kill ME.
Ford was drawing out the circle. He hasn't mentioned me yet. Hm. I poke my head out. "Um...are you guys planning to kill my brother?" Half of them screamed and jumped back. Ford blinked at me. "Oh shoot. I forgot about you."
"Excuse me? How did you forget me Fordsie?" I cried, mildly offended. Dipper and Mabel stared at me. "What's Bill doing here? Isn't he out fighting the shack-tron?!"
"This ain't Bill!" Gideon came to my defense. "This is his sister, Miz Cipher."
Soos laughed. "Heh. Miz, like...miss! Miss Cipher!" everyone stared at Soos in horror. I giggled "Oh I like you. You're funny."
"So...this is that demon's sister?" Wendy raised her ax. Gideon shook his hands. "Don't worry! She's nice. She's been giving me food and water." I float out of his hair and look at them, remaining in my tiny size. Small things are cute. Small things are harmless. They would feel less threatened if I was small.
Ford finished spraying the zodiac onto the ground. I stared at him. "Are you going to kill my brother?" A few people winced but some others growled. "That demon deserves it! He's probably killed hundreds of people!"
I turned to look at them. "Has he killed any of you?" they opened their mouth and then closed it. I sighed. "Well, I wouldn't put it past him to kill anyone after THIS whole mess." I gestured around. "He's got a temper problem."
"Exactly why we need to kill him first!" Someone yelled. I sighed. "Even so. I'd prefer if you didn't kill my brother." I turned to Ford. "You guys were getting close to making a compromise. Why can't you?" Ford scowled. "I am never making a Deal with him again!" He started explaining the prophecy and all that stuff.
Wendy glanced at me. "So...are we doing anything about this one?" She raised her ax and I gave her a teary eyed look. "No! Don't hurt her!" Mabel snatched me out of the air. I was small enough to be held in her hands. "Gideon said she's nice."
"Well she's on Bill's side!" Dipper glared. "Mabel! Let go of her!" Mabel shook her head "Not if you're going to hurt her!"
I looked at Ford. "I'm not on Bill's side. I'm on my own side. I just want you all to get along. Is it wrong that I don't want you to kill my brother?"
Mabel held me close. "Guys?" She whimpered. Wendy scowled. "Well your brother is a terrible monster." she stepped up to stand on her square. A lot of them were standing in their spots. Only Mabel and Stan were still hesitating. I sighed. "It's alright Shooting Star. I understand you guys don't like him."
I floated up and away, gazing out at where Bill was beating the shit outta the shack, having found the places where the bubble didn't reach. "If you're gonna do it, you don't have much time." I sighed. "But I'd rather you find some other way."
I wouldn't stop Bill if he came back. But I can stall him. I grew larger so I was blocking sight into the door to try and buy them some time, my thin legs dangling over the side. "I just wish it didn't have to be like this." I felt the energy building up in the circle. Mabel was convinced into the circle and it was just Stan who refused now. I resist the urge to sigh. Stubborn. Both of them. I wonder if this world was taking the idea that Stan was actually a reincarnated Bill Cipher? Always wondered if that particular fan theory was true or not.
Bill finished up the shack-tron and floated up to me with a frown. "They're doing the zodiac aren't they?" He grumbled. I nodded. "Do you need me to move?"
"I'm starting to think you want them to destroy me." Bill narrowed his eye. I sighed. "I really don't. I would prefer they didn't try to kill you, but I won't stop them from trying." Bill growled and shoved me aside. I noticed the scene play out much like canon. Damn, I was hoping I'd be able to change something.
I could tell Bill was starting to get annoyed at me. I rolled my eye and went down to where the Henchmaniacs were rounding up the rebels. "Hey. Can you let them go?" I requested. Pyronica stared at me. "Why? They're our enemies."
"They're just angry your party broke their neighborhood." I shrugged. "I mean, if Time Baby broke into your house and started acting like he owned the place, I bet you'd be pretty miffed."
The demons all blinked and considered that. 8-Ball scratched his head. "I never thought 'bout it like that before." I peered at them. "And if Time Baby and his goons went around like that in YOUR house, wouldn't you want to beat them up too?"
"Yeah!" The demons said. I nodded. "So it's perfectly justified that these mortals tried to fight back. So leave them alone. If they attack first then by all means, punch 'em. But I'm sure you've got better things to do than stand around here, guarding them." I stated. "Bill's too busy to notice anyway."
They nodded. None of them particularly cared anyway. They just wanted to go back to having fun. I easily distracted them by creating a roller coaster in the sky and they flew off, cheering. I turned back to the townsfolk. "You should probably go hide."
I heard screaming coming from the Fearamid and sighed. This wasn't really fun anymore. I should just leave. I'm sure I can't hide from whatever was in the Void of Doors forever. I opened an Exit door in front of me and was bowled over as it slammed open. I was punted pretty far away and hit the ground with a mildly painful thump. "Ow…"
I blink up at what happened and paled when I saw...Bill Cipher.
But…
There was something...off about him.
The edges of this Bill seemed to glitch. He spasmed a little as he stared at me. I scrambled back and tried to get away from him. I had no idea what was happening right now but I didn't want to find out. Was this what BlueBill was talking about? I didn't know. I didn't care. This Bill unsettled me and I just wanted to put some distance between us.
I stared in horror as this Bill flew over to the Fearamid where Bill was holding Mabel and Dipper in his hand. "I'm gonna kill one of them! Just for the heck of it!" He turned when the GlitchBill came into the room. "What the-?" He managed to ask before the other Bill struck, digging his hands deep into his bricks and Bill screeched.
I took this time to teleport the Pines and the rest of the Zodiac out of the Fearamid, turning the tapestries back into people. Ford was staring up at the Fearamid where Bill's painful screaming could still be heard. "What's happening?!" He gasped. I shrank down huddled near him. "I...I don't know…" I whispered.
I felt when this Bill died. There was a ripple of energy as everything fixed itself as Bill's Weirdness was reversed. The hole in the sky sucked up everything and closed. But none of us were thinking about that. We were all staring at the GlitchBill as he heaved, his form growing larger as the energy from the destroyed Bill was absorbed into him. I shuddered, my vessel was slowly breaking apart.
I turned to the humans. "Form the Zodiac NOW!" They obeyed, too terrified to refuse, Stan and Ford, still dressed as each other, didn't even protest. GlitchBill turned to me and spoke "Zkb iljkw? Zh zhuh doo phdqw wr eh rqh. Lw zdv wkh zdwfkhuv zkr guhz xv dsduw. Wkh wdoh zhdyhuv zkr iudfwxuhg xv djdlq dqg djdlq xqwr lqilqlwb."
"Thanks but no thanks dude. I'm happy just the way I am." I muttered as I hid behind Ford (only realizing it was him because I knew the two had switched clothes. I really couldn't tell them apart otherwise). He stiffened but didn't let go, the circling lighting up as they held onto each other in fear and desperation. This Bill just...killed and devoured the other one. It was too scary to think of.
The light was nearly blinding. The GlitchBill reached out for me and I clung to Ford's leg with my eye wide as he got closer. Come on! Stupid circle! How the fuck did it even work?! Right before his hand could touch me, Stan growled "Hey! GET AWAY FROM MY BROTHER!" and punched him. The GlitchBill screeched as all the light from the circle glowed around Stan's fist and raced through his body. The seams between his bricks glowed from the inside as he fell and shattered. As the broken bricks began to dissolve into sand, I heard him gasp out.
"Hyhq li brx ghvwurb ph, wkhuh zloo eh pruh. Vr orqj dv wkhb frqwlqxh wr whoo rxu vwrub, wkhuh zloo eh qr hqg. Lqilqlwb iudfwdov rxw dqg zh zloo qhyhu ilqg shdfh. Brx wrr, kdyh d zrug-zhdyhu pdqlsxodwlqj brxu olih. Brx zloo nqrz. Brx zloo zlvk brx kdg mrlqhg ph zkhq brx frxog."
And then he was gone. The dust was blown away by the late summer wind.
There was a moment of silence.
"Ah...did I just punch a demon to death?" Stan stared at his fist. Everyone began to cheer, the inhabitants of Gravity Falls rushing up to lift the old man onto their shoulders. "Pine! Pines! Pines!" They cheered as they carried him off.
"Aaaugh! Watch where you're touching! Kids! KIDS! Get these crazy people off me!!!" Stan shouted as he was taken down the street and more townsfolk came out to cheer. I let go of Ford's leg and floated up. That...was...unsettling.
Ford and Gideon stared at me. "What...WAS that thing?" Ford gasped. I stared at the spot where the Bill had been. "I...think he was a Bill from another dimension…"
I beat a hasty retreat after that (well, kinda got sucked out the door after that), terrified out of my mind and wanting nothing more than to get home. I zeroed in on my door and rushed through it, slamming it shut behind me and latching all the locks that were now on it. I quickly scanned all of my Mindscape to make sure nothing was here that shouldn't be.
The dolls were fine. My security settings were fine. Everything was in its rightful place (except that memory of the transdimensional toilet which kinda teleports randomly around the place) and I heaved a sigh of relief. That. Was FUCKING terrifying.
I slumped over onto the bed in my Mindscape. One of them anyway. My Mindscape was a bedroom, multiple bedrooms in a huge tower with ladders and slides between the floors. Each floor had its own theme. It was a cool place but a bitch to get around, just the way I liked it. If anyone gets in here, chances are, they'll get lost.
I laid on the bed, hugging an orange teddy bear and whimpered. That...was scary. I can't...I don't want to go through that again. That Bill I saw, was capable of devouring another Bill. Had tried to go for me as well. I laid on my bed for the longest time, unsure and afraid. The only thing I could think of was to tell BlueBill what I had found. Hopefully our timezones would synch up enough to get the message out.
The GlitchBill wasn't alone. He said there were more of him. Oh god. There were more of him. Blue can wait...
"I have to talk to Ax…"
---