If Only I

In the middle of the night in Barrio San Agustin, a lone bamboo house is inconspicuously hidden within the shade of the bushes and huge trees. One can see the flickering yellowish orange light of the oil lamp illuminating the house from the inside, with flashing silhouettes blocking the light from time to time. The night insects are so busy making the usual noises of the nights, making every exhausted animals in the forest be lulled to sleep.

But that was not the case inside the bamboo house.

Only three people are inside the house, two are crouching in the floor while their hands and feet are tied, while the other one is sitting in a rattan chair.

It can be distinguished that one of the people sitting limply in the floor is a girl, based on her bloody and torn [1] baro't saya. Her once exquisite face is now riddled with scars, her seductively innocent eyes are now puffy red as tears continuously flowed in her eyes, and her once luscious and full lips became swollen, as if was stung by bees. Her straight silky hair scatters in her face, as she tried her best to glare at the beast in front of her. Her battered state looked so wretched that no one can link her to the once sweet girl they always knew.

The man beside her stares at her wretched state pitifully with a red eyes as he can't stop the tears falling from his eyes as he saw how his beloved is struggling. His once neat hair is now very messy, a large patch of black can be seen in his left eye while a cut in his cheek is bleeding profusely. But he never mind those trivial things as he saw how the girl beside him gone through worse than him, who was tortured by those fucked up men moments ago. If only he can, he will surely take all the pain she felt away. He can't help but to glare hatefully at the person sitting in a rattan chair in front of them.

The girl saw their reaction, which made her chuckle lightly, pulling her red thin plump lips up, but if someone will look closely, they can immediately see how deadly still her eyes are, as if she never was amused - - as if she never felt anything at all. Her curly hair is freely resting in her shoulders as she helds a gold and silver butterfly shaped [2]payneta.

" What do you want! Are you this desperate, Louisa? Just because you want my attention, you will kill a person if you must?!", the man shouted, his hoarse voice is filled with hatred, grief and helplessness as he glares at the smirking girl in front of them. The girl doesn't even flinch as she continously plays with the payneta in her left hand, while her chin is resting in her right hand.

" Please, I know you hated me, just please don't include him in this nonsense. If you must, you can kill me if you want. But I beg you, not him! Just not him!", the girl in the floor wailed, trying to reach the hem of the other girl's [3]saya while pleading with her hands attached together.

Louisa, the girl sitting in the rattan chair, crossed her legs, accentuating her grand baro't saya that only the [4]principalia can afford. She lazily stares coldly at the crying girl in front of her, without any tinge of remorse, guilt or even hatred.

" Louisa, you were not like this! What happened to you?! Where was my best friend? How come you became like this!", despite the rage he felt, he can't still deny the fact that he once cared for the heartless girl in front of them before, his eyes soften a little as he saw how devoid of emotions her once warm eyes are, as if they were not from a living creature, but of a dead one. Louisa saw the change in his expression, in which she just scoffed.

" Please, Louisa, I beg you! He has nothing to do with this all! He is innocent! You should only punish me for accidentally entering his life!", the girl whimpers in a heartfelt voice, making the man beside her extremely touched, he immediately crawl their distance away as he held her face with his tied hands.

" Don't say that, always remember that we can get through this together. No one has to sacrifice", he sincerely stares at her eyes deeply as he caresses her swollen face while tears are falling in his eyes.

The girl held his hand as she closes her eyes, trying to engrave this special moment with her beloved in her mind as she is not that certain that they can live through the night. This might be the last moment that the two of them will share.

" Marcus, If ever I die, always remember that I never regretted knowing you. I never regretted being with you. Even if it is us against the world, I never had any second thoughts whenever I cherished the most wonderful moments of my life with you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me Marcus, Te amo", she confessed with a hoarse voice, as she felt her chest tightens with the thought of losing him in her life.

Marcus cried harder. He has always been a strong, cold and aloof person growing up. As a general in a very young age, he has wits, strength and power like no other. He was never closed to his family, thus he rarely smiled. There are only two people in his life that can make him smile without him knowing, the girl beside him, Alicia and - - - Louisa.

He can literally hear his heart breaking as he saw how his beloved clutched her chest, as if in deep pain while tears are flowing out like endless streams from her beautiful eyes.

" Mi amore, if another life really exists, I will find you even if you are in the most dangerous place on earth, even of you are deep down in hell or even if you are up there in heaven, I will follow you and take you away from there. I will do everything to make you mine again and again. If next life exists, please never forget about me", he stilled his gaze as he stares at the most beautiful woman that has ever graced in his life. He can already feel his limbs weakening, as his vision grew blurry little by little, but he never took his eyes away from Alicia.

Alicia was touched as she felt a sudden feeling of peace deep within her, she can also feel her body turning limp due to the poison that they accidentally took just a while ago in a party held by their traitorous friends. She did her best to give him her sweetest smile as she brought her hand in his chest, trying to feel his heartbeats for the last time.

Louisa stares at the heartwarming drama of the couple in front of her, but her heart never warmed up. Her gaze linked with Marcus, as he glares at her for the last time.

" I will never forgive you! May it be in this lifetime or the next!", he weakly mumbled as a lump of blood is gushing from his insides.

Louisa smiled weakly, but still, her eyes never contained any emotions, as if the one in front of him is not a human, but a puppet.

" I never expected you to do it, Marcus. Even I, will never forgive the two of you for the rest of my lifetimes to come", a momentary resentment flashed her eyes, which was caught by Marcus, making him feel a tinge of sadness at the bottom of his heart.

" You were wrong, Marcus. I never did this to get your attention, the truth is that, I never wanted to have anything to do with you", she indifferently dropped her words as if she was just replying about how nice the weather indeed.

" The poison in your body will slowly but surely makes your organs stop functioning. You will feel the torture and pain of every tissues, veins and arteries in your body as it will block your blood flow. The highlight is, you can feel how your heart constrict of pain and how your lungs will fail to process the air you will desperately need", she explained as if she is explaining how a typhoon comes about while playing her payneta,

" Am I right, Alicia?", she stopped flipping her payneta while directly looking at Alicia's eyes, mocking.

Louisa widens her lifeless smirk while she stood from the chair and apathetically watched the two gasping for their last breaths.

" My greatest regret... is to know you, Marcus. I wish I never did", a lone tear escaped her dead eyes as she stares at Marcus.

Marcus never saw her tear, but he felt the shaking of her voice as she dropped those words,

He never knew why that hurts more than the fact that he and his beloved are dying.

His world stops spinning as he felt his heart being consumed by pain like never before just because of that single sentence, it confused him to no end as he felt that all the sentiments that Alicia had confessed was nothing against those words, causing him to breath his last due to the severe pain of his chest, fastening his death. Alicia saw it all as a glint flashed in her eyes as she tried to reached out for his hand before she also stops breathing.

Louisa knew that the moment that she entered the bamboo house, is the moment that she already thrown her remaining humanity away, thus she doesn't even flinched as she turns her back from the corpse of the man she once loved and the girl he dearly loves.

She held her head high as she strides outside the house as if nothing happens. She looks back again, and this time a lighter is already dancing in her hand. A faint click can be heard in the silence, before a blazing fire engulfed the whole house.

Louisa stares at the gold and silver payneta in her hand, the last gift he has given her that she is very certain that he does not even remembered as she knows that he is not even the one who chose the gift himself, as he was already heads over heels with Alicia at that time. She traces her name that was engraved in the payneta without any emotions as she simply tossed the thing into the fire without even a hint of hesitation.

The fire reflected in her eyes as she stares blankly at the once whole house.

" Let us never meet again".

***

Louise opened her eyes calmly, knowing that she has the same dream all over again. She is uncertain whether it was because she read a lot of reincarnation novels in wattpad and webnovel or maybe because she is simply sick in the head.

At the first time that she dreamed about that, she ended waking up while her body is involuntarily shaking wildly while tearing up, can't believe that she dreamed such a gore dream. But strangely, just like in the dream, she never felt any emotion aside from disbelief, as if the one of the people involved does not looked like her.

The expected thing is, she can only see her face, while the other two's faces are blurred.

After a few times that it resurfaced in her dreams all over again, she already calmed herself down, as she knows that it is just a dream anyway.

She looks at the window, and as expected, it is raining. Her gaze found the clock in her bedside table, and as expected again, it reads 12:30 in the evening.

She rubs her face in frustration as those dreams usually surfaced during 12:30 while raining. Luckily, unlike before, she can already sleep through it sometimes, but during this stressful time,

She leans on her head board as she watches the water droplets outside. A question entered her mind,

" What if, I'll just start drinking sleeping pills? this is a goddamned rainy season, damn it!", she pouted as she helplessly continued staring at an empty space, trying to erase the dream from her mind.

***

[1] is a traditional Filipino women dress. It was worn by women during spanish colonial era in the Philippines.

[2] is a head ornament usually worn by Filipino women during spanish colonial period in the Philippines. It is also known as peineta in Spain and Mexico.

[3] is a long skirt.

[4] were the upper echelon or the nobles during spanish colonial era in the Philippines.