6 Chapter 6: My Soul, My Other Half

AVA

"My Lady, is the temperature of the water fine with you?" the brown-haired, brown-eyed maid with a kind smile asked me as she poured more lukewarm water inside the tub. She looked a bit familiar but I couldn't quite remember where or when I have seen her.

"The water is fine, thank you," I told her, a little shy. It had been such a long time since someone actually served me. It felt rather embarrassing for someone else to be taking my clothes off, helping me onto a bath tub and touching my bare skin. After I became old enough to bathe myself, I never bothered the maids to help me since they only willingly serve me whenever there's an important event or I had to attend dinner with the Duke and his sons.

"Oh please my Lady, do not be so polite with me… You don't need to thank me either since this is my job," the maid said, her forehead crinkling a bit amidst her smile. "Really, you haven't changed even a little…" she commented.

I looked at her questioningly, wondering what her statement meant.

"I guess you really don't remember me, my Lady…" she told me while dropping a few drops of fragrance oil on the water. "My name is Kathy and I was once your maid when you were eleven years old. I quit after a couple of months so you may not have seen me much. I mostly stick to laundry duty because of Matilda," she explained.

I began to look around. "Speaking of Matilda, I don't seem to see her anywhere…" I murmured.

"Do not bother looking for her, my Lady," Kathy said with a slight frown. "All her sins had been exposed and she's in jail along with every single person who had harmed you for the last seven years," she added quite obstinately. "Rest assured that you're safe from the servants Lady Ava. Everyone here are either new hires or part of the household years ago that got fired from unfair reasons or quit because of the horrendous things happening inside the mansion… The young masters did their best to uncover the crimes of the servants and they even personally interviewed the new batch of employees that replaced them. Even the Head Maid and Head Butler of the household were replaced despite them being related to the previous Head Maid and Head Butler. Many of the current servants have only started working several days ago while some, just like me, had previously served the Duke's house a few years ago and were reinstated," she told me and smiled.

"I am now the Miss's head maid and I pledge my loyalty to you, my Lady…" she added and gave a light bow. "I will do my utmost best to keep you safe and comfortable."

Upon hearing the sudden revelation about the change in staff, I have to admit that I was stunned to silence. What on earth happened when I was unconscious? Sir Pearson told me that I had been asleep for eight days and that a lot of things had been going on.

However, he wasn't able to brief me exactly on the specifics since I had to eat and bathe first.

"Miss Kathy…" I called softly.

"Only Kathy, Miss Ava. Please drop the honorifics," she told me with a caring tone.

"Then, K-Kathy…" I corrected myself, feeling awkward to be saying someone's name. I have not referred to anyone by name in years. "Can I have a few moments by myself?" I asked.

Kathy's shoulders tensed with my request. "My Lady… The thing is… we were told not to leave you alone even for a second…" she replied and clearly looked uncomfortable to continue. "Because… because you might…"

"I understand," I told her, giving a small smile of reassurance. After having seen me attempt suicide countless times, it is only natural that the young masters and Sir Pearson are not taking any chances.

However, this unusual kind of attention got me wondering. Sir Pearson has a reason for not wanting me to die. I am his patient and he personally felt compassion for me which might be innate for him as a healer. He has a very sweet soul thus he must pity me so much after hearing what I had been through.

But the story changes with the young masters. They have no reason to worry about my welfare. I still cannot understand why they are trying hard to keep me from killing myself. Is there some sort of merit for them for keeping me alive? Like I originally thought, am I to be wed to someone once I have my coming of age?

Yukina also told me that even following the original storyline, the young masters had no compassion for me. At least not towards the 'Ava' they see right now.

I turned to Kathy and decided to use this time to think over everything that I have learned while sleeping. "Can this bath be nice and long?" I told Kathy.

She smiled at me warmly. "You can stay in the tub for about thirty minutes, my Lady. We would be constantly monitoring the temperature of the water so please do not mind us being here. Let me scrub your back for you," Kathy answered and started giving the other maids instructions like fetching flower petals and getting tea ready. I let the maids do their work and focused on my own thoughts.

Eight days ago, the last memory I had before falling unconscious was lying on the floor and begging the young masters to let me end my life. I desperately tried negotiating with them to let me do as I desired.

I genuinely considered that they might be dreading a person dying in the mansion since it had only been barely a year from the time that the first young master inherited the title of Duke. I sincerely thought of that along with a few other reasons as to why they were against the idea of my death.

However, thinking back with a clearer mind, those reasons I came up with didn't really make that much sense. The Krauser Dukedom, being one of the three most powerful influences in the Gouveia Kingdom does not need someone like me to gain power and merit… I could not think of any way I could be of proper use to them…

Thus, even as I drift onto the realms of sleep, I was still wondering what they might be thinking.

I was surprised at first when Sir Pearson told me that I slept for eight days. It didn't really feel that long to me. That was because while I slept, something had been going on inside of my subconscious.

While I was struggling in the dark, wandering between the line between life and death, I have met someone; someone who made me the person I am today.

Her name is Yukina, the girl who showed up in my dreams and made me change my mind about suicide.

The things I have witnessed inside my own head were beyond anything I could ever imagine. I wouldn't have believed any of it if not for the impossibility of my own mind to conjure such atrocities.

It all came to me like lightning. Images I have never seen before. A civilization that I could never have expected to exist.

There were carriages made of metal that runs on something called 'engine', lights that needed something called 'electricity' and not mana, infrastructures that reached onto the sky, far larger and taller than even the Imperial Castle of the Capital… They were things beyond anyone's wildest dreams. There was even some kind of object that could sail the skies and help people travel from continent to continent. It was so advanced that even vast distances and oceans could not hinder anyone from exploring the rest of the world.

Inside my head, information about that strange world began appearing as if I have known about them all my life. Things like the geography of that world which was called 'Earth' and the complexities of the people who lived there became as natural as common sense to me.

On Earth, there were large continents with a lot of countries but it was a country called Japan where all of the memories took place.

I have been floating into nothingness when all of these bizarre memories came flooding into me. In what seemed like a lucid dream, I witnessed the life of someone called Souma Yukina. The names of the people in those memories were nothing like I ever heard of before and the language they spoke was foreign but I could understand everything like it was my mother tongue.

Souma Yukina had lived a very miserable life. Just like me, she had no control of her own life choices. Her father was a drunkard and her mother left them. Yukina did her best to raise herself while being mocked by the people around her, enduring abuse left and right.

When she turned into an adult, she thought that everything would start going her way however, her drunkard father left her with a very hefty debt and since then, she was forced to simply live day by day, slaving away to paying back money that she never spent.

Just as she thought that the debt would soon be over, another set of debtors began approaching her. This time, the debt was much larger and the debtors more dangerous. The interest that they were asking for would leave Yukina slaving away for a decade or so thus she decided to run away.

However, she was caught by the debt collectors and at that moment, I felt every emotion that she went through. Suddenly, I could not continue being a bystander but rather became Yukina herself. All the sensations that passed through her body passed through me as well.

The next thing that happened was a pure nightmare. It was at that time when I heard a voice asking me to 'reach out my hand'.

The voice sounded very familiar and nostalgic and it had a sense of urgency in it. Even that tone of alarm felt and sounded very familiar.

Frightened and wanting to escape what I knew was going to happen next, I did as the voice said and a slim, white hand took mine and pulled me out of the memories.

The hand belonged to a young woman with long black hair and black eyes. I looked around at the space where we sat across from each other, a mysterious, completely white, eerie space that doesn't seem to belong in any physical setting.

"That was close," the woman who pulled me out said. "You almost experienced something horrifying…"

Looking at the strange woman, I inched away from her. "Who… who are you?" I asked, confused, still shaken from what was happening a second ago.

"I'm Souma Yukina, the owner of the memories you just saw," the young woman told me. "Don't be scared. I'm not going to hurt you."

Shocked, I looked at the spot from where I was pulled from. There was a tear in the white space and a blurry pool reflecting the staircase where I was just moments ago. "That back then…" I said, my voice shaking. "Those men… they grabbed me. No, they grabbed Yukina and they, they… my clothes, or rather Yukina's clothes…" Still stuttering, I looked at the black-haired woman with fear in my eyes. "Did… did they—" I started asking but I wouldn't dare continue.

She looked back at me with sad eyes and nodded. "Sadly yes…" she said, strangely calm. "Those men had their way with me," she revealed to me.

"All of them?" I asked, remembering that there were about ten men.

"All of them," Yukina answered, her black eyes wavering.

Tears flowed from my eyes and I felt myself completely trembling. "How could they… How dare they…" I whimpered, still remembering the way the men grabbed me roughly and started tearing off my clothes. I know it didn't really happen to me but rather to Yukina and I only shared the sensation by being placed in her memories but still… It was horrifying. How much more would it be for the person who actually experienced what happened.

At that moment, Yukina scooted closer to me and gave me a hug. "Shhh… Don't cry… It's alright," she told me.

"It was not alright," I whimpered. "To you… What they did to you, I can't even imagine how you got through it…"

Yukina held me even closer and wiped away my tears. "It was painful but it's all the past. I can't say I'm over it even in death but there's nothing I can do about something like that," she told me.

Hearing the word 'death', I looked up at her with horrified eyes. "Did they… did they kill you?"

Yukina shook her head. "I killed myself," she answered.

Before I could react, she continued speaking. "Do you remember where they started raping me?"

"It was… the staircase…" I stammered.

"Yes. It was the staircase of a large apartment. When the last man was done with his business and they started calling more of their gang to get a taste of me, I was able to kick off one of them. Then I escaped while they were helping the man who rolled down the stairs. They chased me and I got cornered on the rooftop. Instead of surrendering, I jumped off and killed myself," Yukina told me.

"B-but why? Why do you have to die?" I asked her, my very soul shaken to the core.

"Exactly," she answered, this time with conviction in her tone. "Why should we die, Ava? We didn't do anything wrong… All we did wrong was to be born from poverty-stricken, irresponsible parents…" she remarked, spitting out each word with hatred.

Yukina hugged me tighter and began caressing my hair. "I am so sorry, Ava. I am so sorry for everything you've gone through. I've seen it and felt everything. It was painful, wasn't it? You were so scared, weren't you? I am so sorry…" she said, her voice cracking as she began to cry.

And just like that, I bawled at the top of my lungs. Yukina also cried hard. We hugged each other and cried. For hours, we screamed and cursed and wailed and cried, grieving each other's sufferings.

As if all the tears I had been keeping to myself all my life overflowed and spilled out, I cried and cried. I wasn't alone. I wasn't the only one with a miserable life. I wasn't the only one who thought of killing myself to escape everything. Yukina was also the same.

By the time both of us calmed down, we could no longer produce a single tear. And so we sobbed and hiccupped quietly with our arms still around each other.

Once we were calm enough, Yukina looked me squarely in the eyes. "Listen Ava… I don't know how long we can be with each other. Thus, I must tell you everything right now before it's too late…" she said with her tear-stained face looking serious. She then began telling me about a very eerie story that seemed to come out of a tragic fairytale.

"This may sound far-fetched but it's the truth. Please try to wrap your head around it no matter how ridiculous it sounds…" she started. "Ava… I am your past life. Our souls are one and the same. Reincarnation is real, Ava, and it occurs with an organized system… However, my reincarnation did not proceed normally."

"Like every other reincarnation, the person Souma Yukina should have been completely erased before the soul can be used for a new lifeform. However, for some reason, my personality and consciousness remained embedded on the soul that was supposed to be only yours. I ended up being some sort of parasite latched onto your soul… I didn't know how this happened either but you lived your life without any knowledge of me while I am conscious inside of you. I've seen your life from the start until now and experienced everything with you," she told me.

"A past life?" I repeated dumbly, unable to believe my ears. However, I remembered reading something about ancient scriptures that had been present even before Gouveia Kingdom was founded.

There was a past civilization who were said to have lived together with nature and magical creatures and they believed in the process of 'reincarnation'. It was a process at which each soul of every creature in the world must undergo to reach the pinnacle of 'purity'. It was said that the level of a soul's purity equals that of an individual's mana. That was why mana-users were regarded as superior from mana-less humans. It was to give credit to the past lives of a mana-user's soul that made it possible for him or her to use magic in his or her current life.

Before I could draw other conclusions and thoughts, Yukina gave my hand a squeeze and continued. "I couldn't understand it because the Death Angel clearly gave me the Elixir of Forgetfulness after explaining the process of reincarnation. And according to him, my next life would have been a more comfortable one since I suffered a lot in my life..."

"So… so basically, you're saying that I was once you?" I repeated, quite bewildered.

Yukina nodded. "It sounds confusing but yes… We share the same soul but as you have seen, I lived in Japan. My world was nothing like yours. Mine had no mana, no magical creatures and spells. This transmigration of a soul might have been a mistake since it happened from one world to another but we have no way of knowing that…"

Yukina frowned and I could only stare at her as I force my brain to keep up with what she had been saying.

"Anyway, I don't care about the reason. I don't care about how this had been possible, because I have more important things to consider…" she told me and suddenly held my shoulders while looking straight into my eyes.

"You have seen all of my memories. Now Ava, do you remember what had happened when I was still a high school student?" she asked, looking extremely serious.

I nodded my head a bit. "That was the only time you ever felt happy… You were working part-time as an assistant for a writer," I answered, trying to recall the memories exactly.

At that instant, everything started going on an even stranger route. I began to recall the specifics of that timeline in Yukina's life and was fed by information once again. It came little by little, starting with some names, some very, very familiar names.

'Charlotte Sophia Krauser, Ava Krauser, the Gouveia Kingdom, the Krauser Duchy, Colton, Freya, Landon Everett, Brandon Harley, Greyson Wesley'

Those names… Because the writer was quite lazy at coming up with character names, Yukina was tasked to come up with the names for the characters.

Wait. What characters?

I clutched my forehead at a sudden burst of memory.

"The Lily and the Rose," a short-haired woman with glasses said with an air of pride. "What do you think of that as the title, Yukina?"

"I think it's perfect, Asano-san!" Yukina's voice answered.

My eyes widened. 'The Lily and the Rose'. It was a novel that Yukina helped create. Minami Asano, an amateur writer hired her as a part-timer to help research and proof-read the material for an online light novel.

"Do I still have to explain everything in detail or can you understand what the memories are telling you?" Yukina's voice from beside me made me snap back to my senses.

"Yukina… Those names… Why? Why is my name and everyone else's names on a novel?" I asked her, my eyes wide.

"Ava… This will be hard to digest. This world of yours, it's a reality. But during my life, it was only the world of a novel… It was a novel that I knew very well since I helped create it from beginning to end…" Yukina answered, saying the big revelation a little too calmly for my frazzled brain to handle. "Asano-san was still starting out on her writing career and her storylines often got swayed by impulsive urges and ideas. Can you tell me what you can understand? I'll explain the rest."

I nodded as the memories from Yukina's past filled my head with more specific information. Crinkling my forehead, I concentrated and started narrating according to what I was remembering.

"The heroine of the 'Lily and the Rose' is the missing lady of the Krauser duchy whom I replaced, Lady Charlotte Sophia of the Krauser duchy. The novel was supposed to revolve around her. But as the story progressed, the villainess Ava turned out to be a much stronger character because Miss Asano kept on giving her more difficult circumstances to make a reasonably evil character… Eventually, Sophia ended up getting overshadowed and Ava ended up more popular among the readers… And so Miss Asano altered the story and made Ava the main character, an antihero type of protagonist. But because she had turned out so evil, giving her a happy ending would be unreasonable. Thus, after getting everything she wanted, Ava felt empty at the end and killed herself," I narrated.

I paused and my lips quivered. "That 'Ava'… She's me," I finally said, quite horrified.

I looked at Yukina and she nodded. "You are indeed Ava but it's not that simple… You do notice a lot of changes with your life compared to the Ava in the novel, right?" she told me. "Try to remember. It will be a lot more convincing for you to verify the facts firsthand…"

With Yukina's hands squeezing mine supportively, I concentrated hard and tried to remember the first ten chapters of The Lily and the Rose. Ava's origins, born to a prostitute, an unwanted child, made to help out in a brothel. Everything until there had been the same with mine.

Mother didn't want me, and I was kept in the brothel to be a prostitute like her once I grow up.

However, the Ava in the novel had been made into a plaything as early as six years old. An old man with a fetish for children—

I gasped.

An old man with a fetish for children!

I looked at Yukina and she only stayed silent and let me figure everything out.

"That night in the brothel…" I said.

Yukina nodded solemnly. "Ava was supposed to be taken advantage of during that night, the same night when you ran away from the brothel," she told me.

Although painful, I recalled the memories and the sensations I felt on that specific night. "I was so scared. Yet something inside me, someone inside me, told me to run away. To grab something, hit the man and run away…" I murmured, trying to remember everything in detail.

At that instant, I realized. Looking at Yukina with even wider eyes, I exclaimed, "It was you! You were living in my subconscious so you were able to warn me…" my words trailed off as my eyes began seeking Yukina for confirmation.

Indeed, I finally figured out why her voice sounded so familiar. I had heard her before, countless of times since I had been a little girl. She had been reaching out to me only during times when something terrible was happening, calling out with alarm in her voice and warning me of impending trouble. All that time, I thought I had been listening to my own instincts that desperately held onto survival.

Yukina nodded in response to my statements. "You didn't know about me being inside you, but every so often, especially when you start panicking, I could voice out my thoughts to you and you would hear me. Then I would be able to take control of your body for a second, make you move enough for you to be encouraged to do as I said…" she explained.

With a calm expression, she held my hands and continued talking. "Everything changed that night for you, Ava… You were able to seek for help. You found a place to call home with people who accepted you and other children to call siblings. But to my horror, it still played out as it would in the novel… Duchess Freya Krauser still ended up finding and adopting you…"

"But although I still ended up where the original Ava was supposed to go, the circumstances were different…" I mumbled. I focused again and tried to remember as much as possible about the original storyline of 'The Lily and the Rose'. "In the novel… After Ava was ruined by that old man, she…" I stiffened, the words stuck at my throat in my surprise, unable to continue.

"She killed him," Yukina said, finishing it for me. "It was Ava's first crime, done out of passion and anger from the humiliation and embarrassment she experienced."

My hands began to tremble and I felt Yukina hold them tighter. With my voice uneven, I spoke of the next scenarios whilst trying to separate the novel's events from my own life. "Ava ran away from the brothel after stealing all the money that the old man had on him. After hiding out in the woods for a year, she started travelling by foot towards the capital. It took her a month to get there. She lived in the capital within the slums until age eight and caught the news about a young noble lady's disappearance… A noble lady with red-blonde hair whose mother was reported to take in every girl she sees with the same features…" I remarked, narrating the events of the original storyline.

Yukina began nodding again in her solemn and serious manner. "Unlike you who was picked up by the Duchess coincidentally, Ava in the novel planned everything to cross paths with the Duchess. Taking advantage of the sickness of the Duchess, she got herself adopted. However, it was a whole lot different from your case because Ava did everything she could do to brainwash Duchess Freya that she is indeed Charlotte Sophia. The sons of the Duke suspected her of scheming while the Duke let her be in order to indulge his wife's emotional and mental needs," Yukina said.

"After the Duchess died, the Duke took away the name of his daughter from the adopted one and let her decide on a middle name for herself. Ava was the person who came up with the name 'Ava' which meant 'life'. She was determined to live her life even if it means stepping over other people in the process… That was the birth of the Ava, the villainess of 'The Lily and the Rose'," she added.

I nodded and recalled the rest of the storyline myself by using Yukina's memories. Although the story centered on Sophia's kidnapping, her loss of memory and her life of poverty in the countryside, the author did not neglect to tell how Ava lived her life. Miss Asano was striving to mold a perfect villainess that would make the heroine stand out. Thus, she made them to be polar opposites.

Ava had been scheming from the start. Upon the moment of her adoption, she took advantage of her position as a Duke's adopted daughter and slowly rose into power within the high society.

From her time serving in the brothel and spending time in the slums, Ava began to naturally develop a talent that would be useful for a lifetime. With such a dangerous life for a young girl like her, she needed tools and skills to be able to protect herself.

She began to think a lot, on how to observe, understand and analyze people. She threw away all naivety and innocence and developed a personality that could easily draw people without being overly-indulgent. She began learning how to keep her distance just enough for her not to be taken lightly and mimicked other noble girls on how to act and speak in order to obtain an aura and attitude that would not be underestimated. She learned how to process people's thoughts, desires and weaknesses. Before she knew it, she became capable of manipulating a person's interest to her liking.

Duke Krauser eventually died and the eldest son replaced him. Ava was never in good terms with the three sons and because she knew that they were suspicious of her, she didn't bother trying to please them. She was simply waiting for her coming of age so that she could marry into another noble family and leave the Krausers. After all, she had multiple choices among the young noblemen who fell to her charms. That was Ava's original plan.

However, before her eighteenth birthday, something big happened to the Gouveia Kingdom and a great selection for the Crown Prince's bride was announced. The selection included one noble lady from noble families not lower than the title of Count and that included the houses of the three Dukedoms. Ava was selected to represent the Krausers being the only daughter present.

In order for the candidates to feel at ease, a festival that would run for seven days and seven nights was sponsored by the Royal family and the Crown Prince took it as an opportunity to approach the ladies one by one, acting on a disguise.

It did not take long for Ava to recognize the Prince. Even with magically changing his appearance, Ava knew the Prince enough from parties in High Society. She had been secretly observing him even closer than she did to most people. It was not because she wanted to but because he always seemed to catch her eyes. Among all the dazzling young noblemen, the Prince was clearly different. And thus, even before she could stop herself, Ava became overly-observant with the Prince that she knew his slightest habits that others would not have noticed. That was how she was able to deduce that the young man who introduced himself as the Crown Prince's right-hand man was the Prince himself.

Even so, Ava had not been so ambitious that she aimed for the Prince whilst she was observing him. She did not like taking risks for that could easily ruin all the hard work she had made so far. However, upon interacting with him in disguise, Ava became even more enraptured by the Prince's personality and she slowly gained the naivety and innocence that she had forsaken for the sake of survival. Of course, that's the ploy of the author. The villainess needs a reason to antagonize the female lead and that reason would be the Crown Prince.

Ava and the other candidates were supposed to enter the palace after the festival but on the last day of the festivities which was also Ava's eighteenth birthday and her coming-of-age, Sophia arrived.

The real Lady Krauser who had been missing since she was eight was found by a Healer named Pearson Radcliffe who was travelling to a far town to help with an epidemic just as the festivities were starting. Sophia's arrival made everything change.

Firstly, Ava's participation in the selection was withdrawn and Sophia replaced her. At that point in the story, Ava was already in love with the Crown Prince. He was the only person who did not belittle Ava for being adopted. He was also the only one who noticed her many layers and tried to look past them to try and get to know the real her.

Ava was devastated upon her disqualification from the selection. The naivety and innocence that she was able to gain back with her feelings for the Prince turned into jealousy and rage.

Thus began Ava's schemes to ruin Sophia's chances to become the Crown Princess. However, Sophia ended up winning the heart of the Crown Prince and got selected in the end.

Bitter and heart-broken, Ava went after the Crown Prince's youngest uncle who was only denied from the throne by being born to a concubine. Via the Gouveian law, if a King reigns and he has a younger brother, the said younger brother would be named the Crown Prince. It was not the King's son who was first in line but rather the King's brother.

However, the King did everything in his power to ruin the name of his half-brother and planted doubts in the aristocratic faction that supported his brother as a Crown Prince. Taking advantage of the fact that his brother's mother was a concubine from a lower aristocrat's faction, the King made up stories about her coming from common origins. This was a false accusation for she was actually a full-blooded noble, but still, the title of Crown Prince was seized from the half-brother and given to the King's eldest son.

Ava, with her cunning ways of seduction and smart schemes was able to lead the King's half-brother to the throne in almost no time at all. The new King proposed to Ava and wanted her as his Queen. However, her feelings for the Crown Prince who would become her nephew upon accepting the proposal, were not fully extinguished. Ava also had no intention of becoming the Queen and she certainly did not want to marry the Crown Prince's uncle. She only made use of him to vent on the Crown Prince who ended up choosing Sophia, but the young King coveted Ava like an obsessed maniac.

Ava only became even more miserable for she realized that even with ruining every chance that the Crown Prince had for the throne, he was still happily living with his fiancée. Ava on the other hand is on the run from the crazy King that she herself raised.

During her schemes of helping the new King to the throne, Ava ended up annulling her adoption and cutting ties with the Krauser Dukedom. While hiding out, she met with Greyson Krauser after years of not seeing him.

Miss Asano was intoxicated when she wrote that certain chapter and she clearly wasn't in her right mind. But she ended up creating a love line between the youngest Krauser son and the villainess. It was then that the novel became increasingly popular because the love-hate relationship between Ava and Greyson sparked up so much life into the almost-dead novel.

Taken into the spur of the glory she was basking in, Miss Asano decided that Ava as an antihero was more appealing than having a saintess like Sophia as a main character.

Miss Asano started going crazy with the storyline, making Ava cross ways with almost all the male characters in the novel including her former adoptive brothers and making them either have an interest with her or fall in love with her, creating a reverse harem route.

With almost every powerful man in the Kingdom at her disposal, Ava was faced with many kinds of struggles for five years and at the end, she seized the throne from the King and was named the first Queen of Gouveia to actually rule the Kingdom by herself. Together with her 'harem', Queen Ava would proceed to conquer one nation after another until she successfully unites all the existing eight Kingdoms of the continent into one huge Empire. She was hailed as a Sage Empress.

However, amidst all the fame, the glory and the love she was receiving, Ava still felt empty for it was only one person's love that she coveted from the very beginning. It was the love of the brave, innocent and pure Crown Prince who didn't even hold a grudge against Ava even after all she had done to ruin his life. The Crown Prince, stripped of his right to the throne and demoted to a lower noble, remained as a loyal vassal to Empress Ava and on the day that he proposed marriage to Sophia, his fiancée of seven years who had been loyal, patient, graceful and loving amidst all the struggles they faced together, Ava realized that everything she had done was futile. She was not happy and the people she hoped to be miserable were living happily.

During the wedding ceremony of Sophia and the Crown Prince, Ava took her own life, leaving behind a will that would spark a bloody war inside the whole Empire.

The will contained only a few sentences.

'I, Ava Pionier Gouveia, the first true Queen and the forty-seventh ruler of Gouveia Kingdom, hereby declares the throne completely vacant with no apparent heir. Anyone who wishes for it may have a chance, may they be a commoner, a lower noble or a high aristocrat.

Now dance. And keep me entertained in the afterlife.'

At the final chapters of the novel, the Crown Prince and Sophia ended up dying after being caught up in the civil war.

As an ending to the novel, an absurdly strong knight from a common origin born with vast mana who had been Ava's closest personal guard and one of her love interests ended up slaughtering every noble who coveted the throne and rose as the next ruler. He gave the Empire a new name in honor of the Empress who was of common descent like him and made everything possible. He called his territory the 'Ava Empire'. Along with who remained alive among the men who admired and loved the Empress, they made a new legacy and the people of the Empire lived in prosperity. Empress Ava was declared a goddess by the Emperor and became a legend.

With that, the novel The Lily and the Rose came to an end, selling out as a best-seller, so popular that it was even adapted to a manga.

After completing the details of the novel inside my head, I looked at Yukina in horror. I grabbed my hair frantically. "Are you saying… that I am going to become that kind of woman someday? From Charlotte Ava Krauser to simply Ava to Ava Pionier Gouveia… My whole life… Would it turn out the way the novel was written?" I asked, feeling immensely shaken and completely helpless.

"Ava…" Yukina murmured and looked at me with a sympathetic gaze. Scared by how she looked at me, I grabbed her shoulders.

"In that case… Then I should really die while I can! I'll die anyway and I would do it with my own hands as well. I'll eventually kill myself so while I haven't done anything of those awful things, while I still haven't met anyone and haven't felt the love, the desire, the hate and everything else that I would encounter later, I'll end it now!" I yelled at her, losing all composure.

"No!" Yukina shouted, so firmly that I was forced to shut up and calm down. "Like I said before, neither you nor I did anything for us to suffer and kill ourselves! We didn't do anything wrong!" she exclaimed, fresh tears spilling out of her eyes.

Then she took my hands off of her shoulders and held them gently. "I'm telling you Ava… Do not make the same mistake that I did. The moment I threw my life away, the moment my feet left the rooftop and I was falling to my death, I regretted that one moment that I decided to die. It was so very easy to die… It was indeed an easy way out… But Ava, if you do that, the person you would betray would be yourself. I do not want you to end up like me, so full of regrets… I realized that despite all the difficulties, I wanted to strive until I could live freely…" she told me passionately.

"I wanted to have enough money to buy everything I want, to have my own little house with a garden… I wanted to see different sceneries, to travel and eat delicious food from all around the world… I wanted to meet a man and fall in love; to have a child with him and raise my own family. I wanted to watch my children grow and live with my husband until we die peacefully with our hair all grey and our skin all wrinkled. There was so much to do, so many possibilities, but I can't do anything anymore… I'm dead. I can't do anything anymore…" Yukina whimpered as she talked, her tears flowing endlessly.

Staring at the pained expression on Yukina's tearstained face, my eyes which I thought had dried up from all the crying earlier, overflowed again.

I had thoughts like that too… I wanted to grow up nice and strong and someday leave the Krauser Dukedom. I wanted to work and earn money properly even if I have to serve as someone's maid. I wanted to save all that money to buy a house somewhere near a port city, close to the ocean which I have dreamt of seeing all my life. I wanted to spend the rest of my life living there, raising two dogs and two cats, tending to a vegetable garden, just looking at nice and beautiful things until the day I die of old age. I too… had dreams that I wanted to fulfil…

But if I die, just like Yukina, all that I would be left with is a grave of buried hopes, a tragedy of unfulfilled dreams… Surely, I would regret dying… Because if I think about it sincerely, I know deep inside that I want to live; that I too, want a chance to have a happy life.

"Ava, please… Do not end up like me…" Yukina said as she pulled me close to her chest. She hugged me tightly. Despite being dead, she felt so warm. Maybe it's because she's a part of my soul that she never felt dead to me… Yukina lives within me. She continued to exist and live through me.

I hugged her back and buried my face in her hair. "Yukina, can I… Can I actually be happy?" I asked with a whimper in my voice.

I felt Yukina's warm hands caress my back. "You can. And I'll help you… We can do this, Ava… You'll definitely survive and you'll make it out of this place, wake up all healthy, and continue living your life… If you want to leave the Krausers, I'll help you… With the knowledge from my life about your world, we'll definitely give you a better ending. I don't care if things around here would still stick to the original storyline. We can definitely do something about it and avoid the novel's plot…"

After squeezing my shoulders tight with her embrace, Yukina gently pulled me away from her. She placed her hand under my chin and lifted my face.

"You are such a beautiful girl, Ava… I have watched you grow and I know how diligent and pure you are… Truth be told, I never thought that I am you and you are me. Clearly, we're different people even though we share the same soul… All this time, I have thought of you as a daughter and a dear little sister… And I want all the happiness in the world for you…" she told me, smiling through her tears.

Before I could reply, she continued. "So go… Get out of here and go back. And always know, you are not alone. I am here, inside you. And I will always be here to support you. Do not forget about everything you learned here because that information will be useful… We'll use everything within our power to let you live the way you want. It won't be easy but it's worth every effort. Just don't give up," she said, brushing away the tears on my cheeks. "Now go…" she repeated.

"Go where? If I go, will I see you again?" I asked, feeling like a child.

"Silly…" Yukina said with a small laugh. "I told you. I am and will always be with you…" she told me. Very lovingly, she held my cheeks, drew her face close to mine and planted a kiss on my forehead.

"Go… Go and live… And remember that I'll be watching and helping you along the way… My soul, my other half, my precious little Ava…"

Those were Yukina's last words to me before I felt myself ebbing away and disappearing back to the darkness. It was a moment after that when I finally regained consciousness and saw Sir Pearson beside me, holding my hand warmly, just like Yukina did.

Yukina… She was like the mother and sister I've never had… We only met briefly but I have seen all of her and she had seen all of me from the beginning until now.

Souma Yukina… My soul, my other half, my precious Yukina…

I scooped the warm bath water with both hands and let it slip through my fingers, thinking of each drop as the tears that Yukina and I have shed together, crying in the frustration and disappointment, pitying our own miserable lives. Finally, I have decided on something.

"Do not get me wrong. I am not changing my objective. I still want to die," I internally told myself.

"Thus, let us die someday, but only from old age... Yes... Let us die peacefully, both I and Yukina who lives through me," I added.

I plan to live my life enough to satisfy both of us and just like how we dreamt it, we would die of old age looking at only beautiful things and hearing only beautiful words.

We had seen so much ugliness in this world that we forgot to see the beauty the world has to offer. Surely, just like Sir Pearson said, there are many reasons to keep on living. But for now, my only reason to live is to do as Yukina said. To go and continue living until I achieve my happiness and to remember that I am not alone.

I do not care about the novel but I would not ignore the facts inside it. The Ava in the novel, I also have to save her. I have to save her so I can save myself from becoming her.

Everything starts today…

As I got out of the bath and Kathy helped me get dressed, I looked at my reflection on the mirror with a new stronger mindset.

I am no longer the eight-year-old child who gawked at her reflection on this same mirror seven years ago. I am no longer the Ava from last week who did everything to try and kill herself.

I am Ava, Yukina's soul, her other half… She told me that she'll be watching me and helping me along the way. Thus, I cannot possibly behave in a way that would dishearten her.

"Watch over me, Yukina… I will not disappoint you…" I thought with all my might.

With Kathy and the maids helping me, I finished putting on some light clothes and returned to bed. Sir Pearson told me to inform him once I settled back comfortably in my room thus I sent Kathy to call for him. Knowing him, he must've wanted to talk to me as soon as possible in order to assess my condition.

As I waited for him, I thought about the things I should say. Everything will begin from this moment. Whether I could slip away from the original novel's storyline or not will be up to me and my next line of action.

It did not take long for Sir Pearson to arrive. He greeted me politely with a smile on his face before sitting on his usual spot. As soon as the maids got refreshments ready, they left us alone.

"How are you feeling, Lady Ava?" he asked.

"Much better, thank you," I replied and mustered a small smile.

"Please allow me to ask for forgiveness again for behaving in such a manner earlier… It was such a pleasant surprise to see the lady wake up that I was moved to tears… It was I who casted the sleeping spell on you eight days ago thus, when you didn't regain consciousness on the supposed time that the spell should've lost effectiveness, I was in quite a frenzy," he told me, smiling in exasperation. Patches of pink stained his usually colorless cheeks thus he really must've been quite embarrassed.

I couldn't help but smile at the way he subtly blushed. "You are quite sweet, Sir Pearson," I told him.

"Pardon?" he said, looking a little confused.

Thinking that he did not hear me clearly, I repeated the words. "I think that you are really sweet for worrying about me this much…" I said.

The pink patches on his cheeks flared into a deeper color as he answered in a more flustered tone. "Oh no… Your words are too kind, milady… A healer should at least be this responsible…" he remarked, stuttering a bit.

For the first time since I first crossed paths with him, I looked at Sir Pearson more closely, paying attention to details. His eyes are a lively golden color and his green hair pulled into a ponytail looked quite long, possibly reaching his waist. He gives off a mature, capable vibe that suits a Healer's temperament. I can see how people would trust him with their health just by that competent aura.

I remembered him from the novel as the person who found Sophia and rescued her from the abusive adoptive father that was the husband of the woman who picked the eight-year-old her from the street. He even healed her wounds with magic which triggered Sophia's lost memories to come back. Upon learning her story, he helped her go back to her hometown and reclaim her rightful place in the Krauser Dukedom.

Even in the novel, Sir Pearson Radcliffe was a kind soul who cannot tolerate any form of injustice. He was even in the middle of voluntary work at the time of meeting Sophia, battling with an epidemic that none of the other Healers from the capital wanted to expose themselves into.

However, seeing him in front of me, looking so flustered just from hearing a compliment, made him seem more like an innocent young boy than a capable adult. His towering height and well-chiseled features contrasted the embarrassed expression on his face but somehow, the sight struck me as charming.

I smiled once again. Sir Pearson avoided my eyes shyly and cleared his throat.

"Regarding the lady's health…" he said, diverting the focus of the conversation and trying to sound more business-like. "I would need to examine the lady so I can assess the current state of your body. Since you had been immobile for eight days, I'm afraid you cannot leave your room for a while," he told me.

"That's fine with me, Sir Pearson. I also need a lot of time to reflect on the irresponsible and reckless actions I did for the past month, thus a lot of idle time will be appreciated," I answered.

Sir Pearson is far too clever to not understand what I was talking about. Upon hearing me comment about my attempts at suicide, he showed a subtly surprised expression.

Before he could say anything, I continued talking. "I am really sorry about what I have put you through. It must've been hard. I feel sorry for the young masters as well. They must've been troubled… I had been acting up for quite a while so I cannot imagine that my attitude and mental condition did not cause a few rumors here and there…"

"Please do not worry about such things, Lady Ava. Your health is far more important than idle gossip. I'm sure that the Duke, Lord Brandon and Lord Greyson share my sentiments," Sir Pearson suddenly remarked a little too obstinately.

I nodded solemnly although I did not agree with him. I lifted the teacup from the saucer on my lap and took a small sip.

"You don't think I am right, about the young masters sharing the same sentiment?" he suddenly said.

I was a bit startled. "Is Sir Pearson capable of reading minds or am I getting so bad at controlling my expressions that it showed on my face?" I asked him.

"I cannot read minds milady, but I have observed you close enough to guess what you are thinking… I can't say I blame you for thinking that way… But if I may say something, I think that the Duke and the young masters had been genuinely worried about you while you slept…" he told me.

"They were?" I merely said, trying not to sound skeptical.

The three Krauser sons worrying about me is a scene that I still find hard to imagine even after learning about The Lily and the Rose. All three of them had become Ava's loyal vassals during the second half of the novel thus they did worry and think about her a lot, enough to even be 'romantically-involved' with her.

But that Ava is not me. I will never be the Ava from 'The Lily and the Rose'.

"Lady Ava, you are more loved than you think…" Sir Pearson said, making me snap back to reality. "And so… I really would like to hear that you want to keep on living… I told you that there are many reasons to stay alive and you asked me to tell you one or two of those reasons thus I would be more than happy to assist Lady Ava. We can talk about anything you want to talk about and rest assured that it will stay between the two of us… What happened eight days ago, my irresponsible action of letting the young masters learn about the story you shared with me, it will not happen a second time. I can promise you and lay my dignity on the line. I am so sorry for what I did," he added, looking at me with a serious and sincere expression.

Clearly, he had been upset about my reaction from back then. I cannot deny that I felt a sense of betrayal but I do know that he only did what he should as a medical practitioner.

"Please do not think much about it. I understand that you told them for my sake," I replied.

He looked at me with eyes looking like a helpless rabbit and I gave a reassuring nod. "I forgive you so please do not blame yourself anymore…" I told him. He smiled in response, showing his relief.

"I also would like to thank you about everything you have done so far…" I continued, bowing my head subtly. "After sleeping for so long, my head became quite clearer and I feel so embarrassed about what I did. I might have been under depression but it was not an excuse to trouble everyone around me. You might not believe me, Sir Pearson, but I want to change. I want to be a stronger person and I want to strive and live in this world, even if it is quite a wretched place…"

My words must've stunned him and he was silent for a moment. But after that, he smiled wonderfully with genuine joy and relief in his gold eyes.

He got up and sat by the edge of my bed. "I am so happy to hear that, Lady Ava. Really, I am extremely thankful. I will work even harder to help you regain your health and I am willing to assist you for as long as you like," he said, holding my free hand. "Thank you so much, for wanting to live…" he added, looking straight into my eyes.

My eyes softened and I smiled back, quite close to tears. I felt so important that a person like Sir Pearson is thanking me just for changing my mind about dying. Is this how it feels to actually have someone cheering for my happiness?

"I should be the one to thank you…" I told him.

As we stared at each other, Sir Pearson must've realized how close he had gotten and quickly let go of my hand.

"I am so sorry for being improper…" he said, backing away.

I shook my head. "It's fine with me. That was just Sir Pearson being the sweet person that you are…" I said, making him blush a second time. Really… He's so innocent that if I become too comfortable with him, it's going to be irresistible not to tease him. The Ava in the novel loved teasing him and it's probably one of the few things I can relate with her.

Sir Pearson returned to his chair and we continued talking. He mostly asked me specifically about how I feel, whether I am uncomfortable somewhere or whether I can move a certain part of my body. After that, he checked my vital signs and magically scanned my overall health status. He seemed satisfied with what he saw and thus, he told me that he would be leaving to inform my brothers about my condition. He also mentioned that they had been wanting to meet me upon learning that I woke up.

Upon hearing about the three young masters again, I lightly bit my lower lip and thought quickly.

"Sir Pearson…" I called.

"Yes, Lady Ava?" he answered as he was just getting ready to leave.

"Can you please do me a favor and relay a message to the young masters?" I told him.

Sir Pearson seemed a little taken aback but he responded quite enthusiastically. "It would be my pleasure," he replied.

Thus, I told him that I wished to speak with the young masters. The sooner that I deal with them, the better. I still do not have a concrete plan on what I should do from now on but I would have to assure the brothers that I would no longer trouble them by attempting suicide. That would be the first step to slowly gain back my freedom.

I have to deal with this one step at a time. I just woke up today thus this is only the beginning.

"Yukina… Please watch over me..."