2 Chapter 2: Memories

AVA

When I opened my eyes, I saw a brightly-lit room filled with warm-toned interior and familiar furniture.

Strange... Aren't I supposed to be dead? Is this place supposed to be the after-life?

I was expecting a long vast tunnel of darkness stretching before me. This brightness was quite a surprise.

"Lottie..." a soft, lovely feminine voice called out all of a sudden, sounding extremely close by. As a matter of fact, it came from right by my side.

The voice sounded familiar, nostalgic even. I looked sideward and realized that I am holding hands with a blonde woman.

Staring at me with a gentle smile, she crouched down to my eye-level and caressed my cheek. "Why, Lottie... You have been so quiet ever since you returned home. Come and hug your dear father and brothers. They've missed you so much," she told me, engulfing my shoulders in a soft embrace.

Then it hit me. This was a scene from the past, the very first time that I was brought to the Krauser mansion and presented to the Duke and the three young masters by the confused and sick Duchess.

Ahh, is this the so-called 'one's life passing before their eyes' that people who escaped from the clutches of death often talked about?

Before I could collect my thoughts, I was brought back to the memory as if the images were being forced into my mind. I was transported to seven years ago, on the day that caused my life to change forever.

Although I remember the rest of the day vividly, the memories on the morning before I was picked up by the Duchess were in pieces. All I could recall was the cold and damp alleyway, the hunger and the life draining out of me.

Perhaps what saved me during that moment of death was the warmth of the nicely-dressed lady who held my cold body and asked me to go home with her. She was like an angel and for a moment, I thought she was there to take my soul and guide me to somewhere, someplace where all my pain and suffering would disappear.

I had not eaten for days and occasionally quenched my hunger by chewing on the bark of the few nearly-dead trees around the city. It was autumn and quickly approaching winter, making the outside bitingly freezing to my bare feet and small body clothed with only an over-sized shirt tightly wound around my waist by a long piece of string.

I could remember nodding weakly in agreement to the lady's offer and promise of refuge but what happened after we entered the carriage was a blur. The last thing I remembered was a warm coat being wrapped around me and the woman's gentle arms supporting my body as the carriage rocked me to sleep.

I awakened as soon as we reached the mansion. Groggy and disoriented, I was brought inside a large luxurious bathroom and there were bustling servants who helped the woman give me a bath.

Although still unable to grasp the situation completely, I was not oblivious of the looks that I have been getting from the servants. The gazes that the maids gave me were of scorn and disgust, exactly how the people of the city looked at me when I pass by them begging for alms and scraps of food.

Aside from the blonde woman, no one was willing to touch my filthy, stagnant body that had not been washed for months. Thus, the maids only helped by preparing the warm water and things like soaps and fragrances, working diligently on their own tasks so that their master wouldn't notice their unwillingness to touch me.

It felt quite strange to be reliving my past memories with my fifteen-year-old mind intact. What was visible to my eight-year-old self and my previous interpretation of the things happening around me were different when viewed with my fifteen-year-old mindset.

It was like having two personas, with my eight-year-old-self experiencing the actual events with naivety and childish confusion and the current me merely watching from the sidelines with the understanding of a young adult who knows how to read what others are thinking by their actions and expressions.

That's right... No one liked me ever since I stepped inside this house. The Duchess did like me but that was because she thought of me as her missing daughter... I never did understand anything back then and I was too pre-occupied with thoughts of survival to take any hint.

After the bath, I was given a meal. I had never seen so much food in one table in my whole life so I gobbled up everything as if fearing that the dishes would be taken away. That scene was met with more scorn and disgust but I didn't care. All I cared about was filling my stomach.

Then I was clothed with the most beautiful dress and accessories and my appearance was fixed up. I stood in front of a full-length mirror, watching my transformation with an unhinged jaw.

Until then, I had never realized that my hair was such a beautiful red-golden color, that my skin, although rough and bruised, was considerably white and that my face was lovely to look at with twinkling green eyes. My chapped and dry lips were smoothed out with medicine and lip gloss, making them look pink and plump.

I kept touching my face, doubting that it really belonged to me. Even the maids responsible for the transformation wore expressions of mild surprise at my appearance, as if wondering if the smelly child earlier and the one in front of the mirror were really the same.

The noble lady entered as one maid braided my hair. She looked delighted and joyfully fussed with the beautiful hair clips stored in equally beautiful boxes, spending quite some time on choosing a design.

As soon as she decided that I was ready, the noble woman brought me to the brightly-lit room. It was the sitting room of the Krauser family, one of the rooms I avoided on a regular basis for each day of the seven years that I stayed in the mansion. All of the memories I had while in that room were either humiliating or painful.

Inside the room, I was met with the sight of three boys and a man, regally dressed just like the blonde woman.

As we entered, the four males stood from the sofa, turning towards us. "You said you found Lottie?" the man exclaimed but his joyous expression immediately got replaced by a confused one upon laying eyes on me.

The blonde woman however did not seem to notice anything wrong. She called me 'Lottie' which confused me and told me to hug my 'father and brothers'.

Even after so many hints, I still failed to have an idea of what was happening. I should've suspected something the moment the maids started dressing me up with expensive clothing.

Although my eight-year-old-self wanted to tell her that I have no father and brothers and that my name is Ava and not Lottie, I was incapable of doing so. It had been months since I last spoke to someone, causing my communication skills to drop rock-bottom, and after being exposed to the freezing autumn nights, the cold caused me to completely lose my voice.

I tried shaking my head but the woman couldn't understand my gesture and merely continued caressing my hair and face. I snuck a look at the man and the three boys; they seemed positively upset now. Then, the expression on the man's face turned from baffled and frowning to somewhat exasperated.

"My dear..." he said softly, approaching the blonde woman who just released me from her arms. He held the woman gently on both arms and made her face him squarely. "I'm afraid you are mistaken... This girl is not Lottie."

At that instant, the woman looked annoyed and lines furrowed her smooth forehead. "What do you mean? Are you saying that I can't recognize my own daughter?" she burst out with an accusing tone.

Upon hearing her words, the man's eyes widened in surprise. "Freya... Are you... Do you actually believe that this child is Charlotte?" he said in disbelief.

"'Believe'?" the woman remarked, her eyes widening as well. "What is wrong with you, Colton? She IS Lottie!" she exclaimed and gestured towards me. Then she crouched down beside me and held my shoulders protectively.

"Don't you have eyes? Or is it that after half a year of not seeing our daughter, you forgot how she looks? I finally found her and she's back here with us safe and sound but you are acting so strange!" she added, a mixture of anger and confusion in her voice.

The young boys behind the man wore identical expressions of bewilderment and horror as they stared at the woman and me. The man who seemed dumbfounded by her words, took a step back and looked as horrified as the boys. Unable to understand, I only stood and watched, blinking a lot, shifting my gaze from one face to another.

The woman then turned to the three young boys with a sort of crazed look in her blue eyes. "You do recognize your sister, don't you Landon?" she told the tallest among them. He only responded with silence and fear evident in his wide eyes.

She shifted her eyes towards the other two. "Brandon, Greyson, come and hug your sister. Why don't you welcome her?" she added, her tone somewhat pleading.

"But Mother..." the redhead said but didn't dare continue.

The younger blonde went to hide behind the eldest son. Peeking from the bend of his brother's elbow, he said softly. "That's not Lottie, Mother. It's not her."

The series of events that followed after that were not pretty. The woman's husband tried to set the facts right but the more he said that I was not Lottie, the louder the woman's yells became. She argued and she screamed and she hugged me and apologized for how my 'father' was acting while quenching tears in her eyes.

I too was becoming terrified of her actions. It was just hours ago that I was close to starving and freezing to death. My mental and emotional state were in no condition to figure out what was happening.

As the woman flew to hysterics, I was taken away, brought to another room and told to wait.

On the next day, I was tended to by the maids as usual and the woman whose identity was still unknown to me, met me again as if nothing strange happened yesterday. She just kept me by her side, still calling me Lottie.

Although uncomfortable and still very confused, I played along. After all, I was treated so nicely, given food and even snacks, warm and beautiful clothes and a sturdy roof over my head. I thought that I should enjoy it while I can.

After five days, I was finally able to regain my speech and I was also feeling uneasy for intruding on the home of a noble family for such a long time. The husband and sons of the woman obviously did not want me around and they avoided me like the plague.

They didn't have to try so hard because I barely leave the room where I was made to stay. The woman spent the whole day confined there with me and our meals were taken to us.

During the sixth day, I started to wonder when they would send me away. It was simply impossible that they would let a strange commoner girl with unknown roots to live in their property for longer than a week. Surely there would soon come a time that they would tell me to leave.

Thinking about my circumstances, I preferred that they send me away before winter starts so that I would be able to find someplace to stay for the whole season. Thus, on the morning that marked the seventh day of my stay, when the woman entered the room to have breakfast with me, I gathered my courage to ask if I would be sent away next week.

I thought that she would act surprised because that was the first time I ever spoke but she did nothing of the sort. Instead, she held me near and said, "Where and why would I send my precious Lottie away? Mommy can't even bear letting you out of my sight."

I didn't bother beating around the bush to come up with an answer to her baffling statements. It became clear during the past week that the lady was mistaking me for someone else. However, after that first day when she went to hysterics, no one around us ever mentioned the fact that I was not this 'Lottie'. I knew back then that I had to tell her myself to finally clear whatever misunderstanding there may be.

"Madam... My name is not Lottie... I don't really understand what's happening but I tell you, I am not her. I'm very grateful that you saved my life and you had been so kind but I have to tell you the truth. I am not Lottie."

I didn't know that my simple utterance of the obvious facts would ignite mayhem inside the house.

Because I have stayed silent for seven days, it turned out that the people inside the manor, including the woman's husband and sons, thought that I was mute. Thus, they never bothered explaining anything to me and I figured out the situation too late. It was not merely a matter of mistaken identity.

After arguing with me and insisting that I was Lottie, she flew into a rage. The blonde lady who looked so soft and gentle transformed into a crazy woman in front of my very eyes and I was terrified. She started shaking me by the shoulders and shouting nonsense.

Startled by the noise, servants entered the room and saw the situation. I was taken away and the lady was restrained by her husband who came in a minute later. Moments after that, a physician was called and the lady was sedated.

I spent the whole day inside a spare room until things have calmed down in the evening. I was summoned after dinnertime and the master of the house talked to me.

At first, I was scolded terribly for not speaking sooner and creating a misunderstanding on their part about a speech disability. I cowered in fear with my head bowed as the man continued to speak in a cold, authoritative voice. But as if detecting my fear, he softened his way of speaking and explained the situation to me.

Before he went into the specifics, I raised a hand timidly to ask something. He acknowledged the gesture and said, "What is it? Do you have something to ask?"

"Please sir... Can you tell me where I am? This house and... and the madam who saved me... I don't know her name..." I said, trying my best to sound as polite as possible.

It was just at that moment that he seemed to realize that I was told nothing for the past week, not even the names of my benefactors. Clearing his throat, he introduced himself as Duke Colton Krauser, the head of one of the three Dukedoms in the Kingdom of Gouveia. I didn't know anything about nobility during that time so I never realized what an important person he was.

I listened raptly to his words and slowly made sense of the situation that I was caught into.

Their youngest child and only daughter, the Duke said, had gone missing half a year ago. They had been desperately searching for her but all their clues were lost by the storm that followed after her sudden disappearance.

Duchess Freya Krauser, his beloved wife and the blonde woman who saved me, took their daughter's disappearance the worst. Her health had been failing and she barely ate her meals nor slept at night. Every morning of each day, she would go out, wandering aimlessly around the capital in her personal carriage to search for her child.

Because she got sicker every time they tried stopping her, they were advised strongly by the physician to let her do what she wanted. It would be better for her to do something, chasing after faint hopes rather than do nothing and slowly wilt away from depression. Thus, each day, the Duchess went out with servants and bodyguards to search for the missing lady.

"My daughter's name is Charlotte Sophia and my wife gave her the nickname 'Lottie'. Because of the similarity in your hair color, my wife had mistaken you for our daughter and took you home. My sons and I consulted the physician regarding this condition and how to deal with her obvious delusion but he advised that we let the charade continue just until Freya shows signs of recovery. He said that Freya's mind would eventually make sense of the facts as she notices the differences between you and the real Lottie..." He paused for a sip of tea, gave a sigh and steepled his fingers on top of the desk.

"Since we thought you couldn't talk, I didn't tell you anything so that you would act naturally in front of my wife and show your true personality. However, my wife seemed to be determined to ignore any discrepancies of the Lottie in front of her... The fact that you were not saying a word even though Sophia is such a bright, talkative child should have already made her realize that you're not our daughter. What happened earlier is completely my fault, since I didn't bother checking whether you're capable of speech..." he told me, pressing a hand on his forehead and closing his eyes.

"I- I'm so sorry, Sir... Outside had been cold and I hadn't... have not... talked to anyone for a long time. My voice was gone and so..." I stammered, trying my best to use proper words. I have never spoken to a noble man before. I didn't know what was proper.

The Duke heaved a sigh. "I understand... Do not be afraid. That was a mistake on my part."

To my surprise, he stood from his chair and made his way towards me. I lowered my eyes and kept my head bowed, my hands clenched and shaking at what possible punishment would befall me.

Then I felt big hands settle on my shoulders and the Duke crouched to my height. "Child, lift your head," he told me, keeping me at arm's length.

I did as I was told but I couldn't stop my pupils from quivering. The Duke blinked then stared at my eyes.

"Emerald," he murmured. "Lottie's eyes are blue. Why Freya couldn't see this, she must be sicker than we thought..." he added.

I blinked a few times, feeling intimidated.

"How old are you?" he suddenly asked.

"Eight... Sir..." I answered.

He nodded thoughtfully. "The same age..." he mumbled before staring seriously into my eyes.

"Listen well to what I am going to say," the Duke told me, his tone a lot softer. "This is selfish of me but child, I want you to stay inside this house until my wife realizes on her own that you are not our daughter. If we take you away, she might harm herself and as you can see, no words can get through her. Even if we or even you insist on your real identity, she wouldn't believe us. She only believes her own thoughts, her own fantastical little world wherein she finally found our little Lottie..."

He paused as if waiting if I have something to say. When I stayed silent, he continued. "Do not worry... I would pay you handsomely for your services. I can grant any wish you would ask of me as long as you stay as Lottie's temporary replacement. We're still looking for her. I have not given up hope on finding our daughter. But for the sake of my wife, you have to stay and keep her occupied until she either realizes your real identity or we find the real Lottie."

His grayish-blue eyes looked sincere as he continued staring at me. His hands heavy on my shoulders seemed to tremble a bit. "Child, can you do that for me?" he said finally.

I wasn't very smart but I understood what he was trying to say. Without any hesitation, I nodded my head. Accepting the deal wouldn't place me in any kind of danger.

As a matter of fact, the conditions lean favorably to my advantage. At least I wouldn't have to worry about finding a place to stay for the winter and I also don't have to look for food enough to last me until spring. As for the wish that would serve as my reward, I planned to ask the Duke to take me in as a servant or recommend me to another household to work as a helper.

Thus, I continued staying inside the manor, trying my best to live in harmony with the people there. Keeping the Duchess happy and contented became my priority. It wasn't a difficult task. She was not hard to please and like the Duke told me, she seemed to purposely ignore the differences between me and her daughter, like food preferences and manner of speech.

The servants and the sons of the Duke were usually agreeable but once the Duchess was out of sight, they showed their true colors. I always shrink under their cold eyes and mocking stares thus avoidance was my solution. I only interact with them when the Duchess was near.

I learned the names of the family members and all the servants under the Duke's teaching. He stressed out that I must do my best to act out the bare minimum of Lottie and call the members of the family the way Lottie would. At first, the words 'father', 'mother' and 'brother' tasted so foreign in my mouth but I got used to it after a week.

However, it turned out that the young masters were not happy about it.

One afternoon after the Duchess went back to her room to recover from a sudden headache, the three young masters sent for me. The maid led the way towards the study room collectively used by the brothers. I tried asking her on the way about what they called me for but she treated my words like air.

We arrived shortly after and as soon as the door of the study was shut close, second young master Sir Brandon Harley pushed me to the floor. I skidded onto the carpet, a sting creeping on my behind.

"Filthy thing," he snapped with scorn, glowering at me from under his grayish blue eyes. With flaming red hair and a good build, he looked more similar to the Duke than the first and third son.

"Stand down, Brandon," the first young master, Sir Landon Everett with his trimmed bright blonde hair and grayish-blue eyes like Young Master Brandon, said firmly. "I told you to stop resorting to violence. We agreed to talk this out with her..." He calmly flipped onto the next page of the book he was reading and didn't even spare me a glance.

"Tch," Brandon clicked his tongue at the reprimand and he turned away.

The third young master, Sir Greyson Wesley with darker blonde hair and the exact shade of blue eyes as the Duchess looked at me coldly from the chair he was sitting on, his legs crossed elegantly and arms folded across his chest. "Can she even understand if we talk it out? She seems dumb as a rock," he remarked.

"She'll understand the bare minimum since she understood the terms that father laid out for this charade," Landon answered and they continued talking as if I wasn't there.

As I listened to the snide remarks, I picked myself up from the floor and wrung my hands in front of me. "Please..." I said, trying to cut into the conversation as politely as possible. "Can brothers please tell me what you called me for?" I asked with a feeble voice.

Before I realized it, Brandon was in front of me once again and gave another strong push. "Do not call me brother! A commoner like you are no sister of mine! You're just a temporary replacement so know your place!" he exclaimed.

This time, I fell onto my side with my wrist breaking my fall. I felt instant pain crawl up from my wrist to my forearm and my eyes started to water.

"But I... I only did as the Duke told me..." I managed to choke out, sitting down on my behind and releasing pressure from the wrist. It hurt with the slightest movement.

"We're aware," Landon said, closing his book and finally placing his attention on me. "But that doesn't mean that you, a fake, calling us 'brother' would not upset us. The reason you were called is for us to make an addition to father's orders."

He turned to Brandon and reprimanded him once again. "I told you to stand down," he scolded.

Brandon responded by rolling his eyes. "I didn't do anything wrong. She started it," he reasoned.

Meanwhile, I was trying to follow the conversation despite the throbbing pain on my wrist. "An... addition?" I repeated, looking up at them from the floor.

"Yes, dumbass. You don't have to repeat it," Greyson snapped, sounding hostile. He turned towards his oldest brother. "I told you she's stupid. How can we talk to her then?"

Landon sighed and seemed to be getting annoyed. "The two of you stop making this any longer than it should. I'll talk to her if you don't want to." He started walking towards me and eventually got down on one knee to meet my eye level.

"See here, fake sister. You and the three of us all know that we have to act for the sake of mother's health. But that doesn't mean that we have to act all the time. Hearing you call us 'brother' is unpleasant. We have one sister, just Lottie, thus, we hate hearing the word 'brother' come from the mouth of anyone but her. We understand that we have to tolerate that in mother's presence but if she's not with us, never, I repeat, NEVER call any of us 'brother'. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?" he told me, his grayish-blue eyes glinting dangerously.

I was scared. Their hostility was real and it was not a mere child's tantrum. They hated me and they showed it whenever they could.

For seven years I endured whatever they did and said until they eventually tired of dealing with me.

It was hard but at least I lived until fifteen. If I was outside... if I remained in the streets to survive at a tender age... I would've died even earlier.

Thus, I was grateful and still grateful until today. I was truly thankful to the Krausers and the fact that they didn't kick me out after the death of the Duchess.

This wasn't the most satisfying life. I couldn't say that I had no regrets. But at least everything was over. At least I would finally find peace.

Thinking about it, I never really had experienced peace even once inside this house... Even during my sleep, I was wary and on-guard.

"You did well, Ava..." I told myself. "Now, let's rest. Eternally..."

Chirp... chip-chirp... cheep...

A faint noise suddenly broke into my thoughts.

Is that chirping? Why would there be chirping?

At that instant, my eyes flew open. The canopy of the four-poster bed that I always see every day was the first view to greet me.

I turned my head sideward to the source of the chirping sounds and saw birds by the balcony, enjoying the morning sunshine, perched onto the chair and tea table.

What is happening? I'm dead. Why am I seeing-

And then I felt it. A slight throb in my head. It's painful.

Painful? Why would I feel pai-

My thoughts faded as I realized something. I had moved my right hand subconsciously and I was able to lift it up slowly. Lifting my other hand, I touched my arm and gave it a light pinch. Warm... It's warm.

I finally figured out what's happening and the tears automatically welled up in my eyes.

I'm alive... After all that suffering, I'm still alive.

"Ha ha..." a faint laugh escaped my mouth. "Ah ha ha... Ha ha..." The tears relentlessly flowed at the side of my face as I continued laughing.

This is ridiculous... I was so prepared to die... I was even having flashbacks. I was supposed to be dead. So why am I not dead?

My laughter became hollow and louder, then more and more sounding like a madman.

A maid suddenly entered the room. "Lady Ava!" she shouted. Then she looked at me, her eyes widening at my crazy appearance, laughing with tears on my face and a crazed look in my eyes.

"Yo-young master!" she exclaimed and quickly ran off.

Left alone once again, my laughs slowly turned into sobs.

I'm alive... Still alive... Why?

Why? Why?! Why?! Why?!!

I should've died! It was the end of my suffering! I was finally going to be free!

I lifted my hands and covered my face, sobbing uncontrollably. It was so hard making the decision to let go of the life that I tried so hard to protect during my childhood... It was so hard enduring everything to this point...

So why?! Why can't anything go my way even once?! I wailed out loud, like a child. I don't care what others would think seeing my pathetic form and hearing my shameless wailing.

I faintly heard the thunder of footsteps amidst my cries and the door burst open. "Ava!" I heard Young Master Greyson's voice call out.

I didn't acknowledge him, something I would have never dared to do in the past. But I can't deal with him right now. All that filled my head was the sorrow and the hopelessness... the disappointment that I didn't die.

Why? Why am I still alive? What for?