1 Chapter 1: Dying Doesn’t Feel So Bad

AVA

The room is bright. It must be morning.

How many days have passed exactly?

I struggled to turn my head towards the balcony of my room, my eyes trying to adjust to the light. It's so strange. I've spent hours and hours of sleeping, yet my eyes felt so tired I can barely open them.

The light was hurting my eyes. I want the curtains closed. I should get up and do it myself.

I tried moving and sat up on the bed. The moment I did, everything around me went spinning. I fell on the pillow, coughing drily. My breaths suddenly became shallow and I felt suffocated. My body felt so hot yet my insides were shivering.

Water. I want water.

Struggling to turn my head onto the bedside table, I looked at the glass pitcher sitting on top. I moved one hand across the rough bedsheets, desperately trying to reach it.

My hand started shaking. If I don't get up, I won't be able to reach the pitcher. My throat felt so dry. My whole body burned up, dulling my senses, making breathing difficult. Am I getting worse? It's been several days since I got sick. But I'm not feeling any better.

After minutes of struggling that felt like an hour, I gave up. I couldn't move. I'm so dizzy. I want to throw up, but there's nothing to throw up anymore. How many days had it been since I last ate a meal? I couldn't remember.

What exactly did I do to deserve this? I've always lived as if I'm not there. They told me to live quietly like a mouse, and I did the best I could. Was it not enough? Is this my punishment? I can't understand why I'm living like this.

But perhaps I've brought it upon myself. After all, I did nothing to defend myself. Yes, this is the consequence of being weak. Like how I only have myself to depend on, I have no one to blame but myself.

Suddenly, I felt moisture on my face. Tears are falling from my eyes, sliding down sideways onto the pillow.

Ahh, I'm crying. They had always told me not to cry. I must stop immediately, before somebody sees.

My eyebrow twitched. 'Somebody'? Who?

No one had set foot inside this room for days. Perhaps they had forgotten about me altogether. It's not as if this is the first time that happened.

All of a sudden, my outstretched hand which I had been staring at turned blurry. Is it from the tears? I tried blinking and focusing my eyes, but my vision remained blurry, then slowly darkened.

It turned dimmer, then darker. A second later, I could see nothing but darkness. Just black nothingness... My head feels like it's floating.

I tried moving a finger but I couldn't feel anything. Is it moving? I couldn't tell.

I felt more tears in my eyes. Ahh, I told you to stop crying. They don't like it when you cry.

But my stupid eyes won't follow. I felt liquid flowing on my face until a minute later, I could no longer feel it.

I could no longer feel anything but I do know it's turning cold. So cold. Like I'm lying on ice. Ahh, can I really not feel anything? Then why do I feel cold? You're being ironic, Ava. Snap out of it.

Let's just not think anymore. Yes, don't think anymore. My mind is a blank canvas. Yes, a blank, white canvass. Let's just wait a moment. Perhaps this sensation will pass. I waited, and waited, but it remained.

Why though? What's happening to me? Am I dying?

In that instant, something inside me clicked, like I just completed fitting in a puzzle piece to reveal a bigger picture.

Dying... But I'm only fifteen... It would be so cruel if I die. But there's no any other explanation for this sensation. It's not my first time feeling this.

Remember, Ava, this happened before. Seven years ago, with the asphalt cold on my chest, my legs and arms, everything... Everything back then felt so cold...

I remember it as if it was yesterday. How can I forget when it's the day my life totally changed? I should've died back then... Then maybe I would not have to go through so much suffering.

After everything I endured, I still ended up where I started. I'm dying right now, like how I did back then. There's no other explanation.

However, if this is dying, then it doesn't feel so bad...

It feels rather nice, like floating on air. I should wait it out. I'm not really in any kind of pain, quite the opposite actually... I feel numb, weightless and free from everything…

It'll be over later. Then I'll finally be dead and escape all of this.

Come to think of it, dying is easy and living is difficult. I endured seven years while searching for an escape route when the answer is actually really simple.

Death. An eternal escape from everything.

Why didn't I think of this before? I really am so stupid. No wonder they all hate me.

I closed my eyes though I can't really feel my eyelids close. The numbness has spread all over my body yet my heartbeat remains. But it's faint and getting slower. Sooner or later, it'll stop beating. And it'll all be over.

I don't even have to try holding my breath. I'm gasping now, my breathing all raspy.

Just a bit more, Ava... Just a bit more... Then you'll finally... finally be free...

~~~

MICHAEL

Bad, this is bad... I repeated those words over and over inside my head. Young Master Greyson had always been a very impatient person. If I don't hurry back, who knows what he would do!

But I'm not going down by myself! This is everyone's fault! They should have their share of the punishment if there's gonna be one!

Without bothering to catch my breath, I went directly towards the kitchen and burst into the servants' lounge.

"This is bad! Young Master Greyson! He came home!" I yelled.

The maids and butlers-in-training who were happily chatting and drinking tea suddenly stopped their merry-making and looked at each other.

Matilda, the eldest among the maids turned towards me. "Young Master Greyson? But he's supposed to stay in the capital for half a month more!"

"Well, he came home early. The carriage just arrived and he ordered for Miss Ava to come see him. What're we gonna do? We didn't tell anyone she was sick," I replied.

"Calm down, Michael. Surely the Miss is alright now. It's been more than a week since she got sick," Matilda piped up then turned towards her fellow maids. "Who was the last one to deliver a meal to the Miss? How was her condition? Do you think she's able to get up by now?"

I watched as the younger maids looked at each other questioningly then a freckled, ginger-haired girl I only knew by the name Poppy spoke up. "I brought the Miss's dinner on Thursday, that's what I remember. Didn't Marie bring her breakfast the next day?"

"Me?" Marie, a brown-haired girl about seventeen or eighteen remarked. "I thought Sylvia would be bringing it?" she added, looking at a short-haired young woman who looked her age.

Sylvia shook her head as all eyes fell on her. "I was doing laundry that morning. I wasn't the one to bring her meal."

At this moment, we all fell silent. "Then what about lunch and dinner?" Matilda said with a foreboding.

"The person who delivered breakfast is supposed to bring all the meals of the day..." Marie remarked, a horrid realization dawning upon her face.

All of us servants shared that realization. I started to panic.

The last meal delivered to the Young Miss was on Thursday. Today is Tuesday. There had been no one delivering meals to the sick Young Miss for almost five days, not even a glass of water. My shoulders sagged.

"Somebody go inside Miss Ava's room and see her," Sylvia said urgently amidst the silence.

"What am I going to tell Young Master Greyson?" I asked everyone, my eyes wide with fear.

"Tell him..." Matilda said then paused for thought. "Tell him the Miss is sick and can't see him."

At that moment, a set of footsteps thundered towards the room and a gasping young boy named Tyler who was one of the newest butlers almost collided onto me on the doorway.

"Master Greyson..." he gasped. "Master Greyson is going- upstairs- to- Miss Ava's- room..." he said with difficulty, gasping between every word.

~~~

GREYSON

"That stupid little wench actually had the nerve to have me waiting? How dare she?" I murmured darkly under my breath as I neared the corridor of the second floor.

The servant I sent to tell Ava my message had not returned after ten minutes when they usually arrive much earlier. Ava that idiot must have done something to delay the return of the servant. She really is good-for-nothing.

As soon as I reached the door, I turned the knob but found it locked. Irritation quickly rushed into my head. I'm tired from the long trip and now I'm facing this kind of disrespect?

I gave an annoyed huff before banging a fist on the door. "Ava Krauser! You dare lock the door on me? Open this thing, you useless wench, before I break it down!"

I paused and became surprised at the silence from the other side of the door. Is she... Is she ignoring me?

I scoffed. So... just a month of me and my brothers being absent from the mansion had made little Miss Ava act so tough now ei? She dared to ignore me? She's going to get it!

"Ava! Open the door this instant, you hear me! I'm not going to say it thrice!" I yelled, banging on the door.

All of a sudden, a maid approached me, quite out of breath. "Young Master," she gasped. "Young Master, the Miss is sick," she added while still trying to catch her breath.

"Sick?" I repeated, raising an eyebrow. "Ava's an idiot and idiots don't get sick. She must be faking. Get me the master keys and I'll go in myself."

"No!" the maid shouted, looking scared.

The glint in my eyes turned dangerous. "No?" I said, my voice stern. "Did you just shout at me and told me 'no'?"

Realizing her mistake, the maid bowed deeply. "I'm so sorry, Young Master. It's just that the sickness of the Miss is contagious so you must not venture inside. You might catch it..."

"Who do you think you're speaking with? I'm a sorcerer's apprentice. Whatever illness it may be, it won't affect me since I'm protected by holy light. Stop your yapping and just bring me the keys," I told her, my annoyance rising. Why do I have to explain myself to this lowly maid?

The maid looked even more scared when she procured a set of keys from the depths of her apron. Before she handed it to me, I snatched it from her. All this waiting is making me angry.

I went home early so I can torment Ava for the first time in four weeks and yet she's 'sick'. If she's feigning, I'm seriously gonna cast a spell on her. A croaking hex sounds good... It'd be hilarious to hear her croaking like a toad.

I unlocked the door and opened it then backed away almost immediately from the dust that greeted me. "What the..." I murmured.

The cloud of dust settled after a few seconds and I stepped inside the room. The whole room smelt of mold and the air inside is stuffy. The only light came from the half-open curtains of the balcony, casting sunbeams onto the bed.

When I turned my eyes towards the bed, my jaw dropped.

Charlotte Ava Krauser, my adoptive sister, was laying on her back, all sprawled on the dirty bedsheets, her head lolled backwards near the edge with half a pillow supporting it and an arm extended across as if she was reaching for something.

"Ava?" I called. She didn't even flinch at the sound of my voice. She might just be sleeping but somehow, I don't think so. Something is wrong... Something is really wrong...

My feet suddenly felt like lead as I approached the bed and reached a hand to shake her shoulder. "Ava?" I called again as I shook her.

There's no response and her skin felt ice-cold. Goosebumps ran all over my arms upon feeling how cold she is.

And then, I realized an important detail. Her chest... is not rising nor falling... She's not... she's not breathing.

"Ava!" I shouted and took her limp form in my arms. It was the first time I ever held her. Has she always been so small? She's so light and felt so fragile within my touch. I held her wrist, feeling like I'm holding a thin pole of ice.

I placed my forefinger and middle finger on her wrist and detected a very faint pulse. A second later, the pulse disappeared. I instantly felt my heart sink.

"Do-doctor..." I mumbled, my mind going blank. "Doctor... A healer... Call someone, anyone."

I haven't studied healing yet. I can't revive her. There's nothing I can do.

I looked at the maid standing by the doorway, looking at us dumbly without moving. The sight sent my insides to a boil.

Did she not hear me?! What in idiot!

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!" I shouted at her, my voice amplified by a sudden mana burst. "I TOLD YOU TO BRING A HEALER!! NOW!!"

With that, the maid snapped to her senses and hurried away without a word.

Beads of sweat started to line my forehead and I looked down at the girl in my arms. Strawberry-blonde hair, disheveled and smelling of sweat and grease, sunken cheekbones and deathly bags under her eyes, and pale, pale skin slowly turning blue.

For the first time in my life, I learned the meaning of the word 'panic'. I didn't even realize but I had pulled her closer to my chest, hugging her cold body, my breath coming in short gasps.

What's happening? She was completely healthy when I last saw her. She even saw me out the gates, bowing obediently like she always did. Why… How… How did she become like this?

Is Ava going to die? Why is she dying?

It's not fair. How can she die?

She cannot die. She's not allowed to.

"Ava... Hang on... The doctor's coming... The doctor's coming..." I mumbled dumbly over and over again. However, I know that this was not for Ava to hear but for myself… To cling onto a ray of hope that she'll somehow survive this.

But as if to snuff out that small ray of hope, the life energy from Ava's cold body began dwindling... Dwindling away thread by thread and slipping off in front of my very eyes.

It took a moment for me to realize that I'm crying. And then I spoke, with a voice and tone I could not recognize...

"Don't die... Please don't die..."