4 4

"Hello Kreacher. I see you were able to answer my call. My name is Harry Potter, how are you?" Kreacher's bug eyes bulged even further. "How can filthy half-blood call upon Kreacher?!" 'Time to bullshit my way into getting a minion. Bwahahaha… This world is totally bringing out my worst nerdy attributes.'

"Well that's a long story, why don't we go into my tent and I will tell you my story and how I plan to help you fulfill the last task that Regulus left you." 

The elf's face was a portrait of emotions. He went from angry to suspicious to bug eyed shock and back to suspicious. 'That is one ugly mug.'

"Kreacher does not trust filthy half blood but Kreacher want to know how filthy half-blood know about great master Regulus. Kreacher will listen to filthy half-blood but Kreacher be watching youse." 'His speech is so fucking annoying! Well, we're gonna find out if this comes back and bites me in the ass or not.'

"I completely understand, before we go in you have to know that FOB Durzkaban is in the backyard of #4 privet drive." Harry watched Kreacher go bug eyed again as he was then able to see the tent and followed behind Harry cautiously.

Once inside the small living room, Harry explained to Kreacher how the goblins had told him he was the heir of Black and showed him the heir ring. Kreacher wasn't buying it completely but didn't attack or leave because he wanted to know how Harry could help fulfill his beloved master's last order.

"Filthy half-blood may be Heir Black but how can filthy half-blood help Kreacher when Kreacher can not do what Master Regulus tell hims to do?"

"That's an excellent question, I have two plans for that. The item in question is very heavily magically warded, right? So my first plan is to try melting it non magically. If the locket is protected by magic then maybe if we try destroying it without any magic it will not trip the safeguards.

If that doesn't work, I know a way to magically destroy it but the three reasons we won't go that route first are, A. I'm a kid so using magic would cause the Ministry to get involved and you and I both know that they don't exactly like our family and would use that as a reason to go after the Black fortune and would besmirch the Black family honor. 'That sounded so pompous. I mean, I could probably do it with my untraceable wand but no need to go that route just yet.'

B. One of the items we would need is very rare and highly regulated. So it would be very expensive to obtain if we can even find it at all.

C. I can obtain the necessary items but they are located in Hogwarts and it will be very dangerous.

So, lets try the easier option first because we can do that in a few days cheaply, if that doesn't work we can wait until I go to Hogwarts and obtain the items and go from there. So what do you think?" 'I hope I didn't lay it on too thick or I'm blown. This is such a huge gamble. Fuck it, fortune favors the bold right?... I hope so, anyways.'

Kreacher gave Harry a long blink but finally came to the decision that there was still hope in fulfilling his duty to his master. "Kreacher must take filthy half-blood to see Mistress she will know whats to do." So he quickly grabbed Harry's arm and popped them to 12 Grimmauld.

Harry fell on his ass when he landed in a darkened hallway. 'What the fuck!? My tailbone! I definitely laid it on too thick. Well, in for a penny and all that.'

Kreacher stared at Harry while he picked himself up and dusted himself off. He stood up and glared at Kreacher. "Youse not be lying about being heir to Black family otherwise youse be dead."

Before Harry could rip into Kreacher for kidnapping him he saw his heir ring glow and felt something click into place in his mind and as the glow faded he asked, "What was that? Why did my ring glow?"

"That bees wards recognizing heir Black into Black home. Come, mistress bees wanting to talk to youse." Kreacher waddled down the hall to the portrait by the staircase. He turned to the portrait and said, "Mistress, Kreacher back, he bees called by heir Black and Kreacher bees needing mistress wisdom for he is a tricksy talker." 'He just sounded like Gollum. Tee hee.'

Harry walked up behind Kreacher and laid his eyes in the portrait of an unattractive older woman glaring down at him. 'Bwahaha! she looks like Rogers' dependa! Except for the pale skin she would have totally passed for the hag in the old Looney tunes cartoons.'

"So, you are the new heir Black, you are not a child of my Regulus and you dont look like the spawn of the mongrel Sirius. You look like one of the blood traitors, the Potters but before I passed on, James and his mudblood wife had been killed, so who are you, boy?"

Harry stood at parade rest and stared into her eyes and replied, "My name is Hawthorne Potter and I am the heir Black."

"You can not be the heir Black you are not a Black!" She screeched.

"According to Gringotts, I was named heir by the current head of the Black family, Sirius Black, when he became my godfather, ma'am. I believe I am also a Black by blood through my Grandmother."

Her eyes narrowed into slits and her nostrils flared, "The mongrel can not be Lord Black he was cast out! I burned him off the family tapestry myself! He dares make a filthy half-blood Potter the heir to this noble house!" She ranted. 'Ok, time to gamble on some more bullshit cuz at this point I may as well go for broke.'

As she was huffing and puffing after the rant, Harry replied in a neutral yet dangerous tone, "Ma'am, there are many things wrong with your last statement let me inform you of a few overlooked facts. First, you may have cast Sirius out of your home and burned him off the tapestry but you did not have headship or Lordship of House Black so he was not actually cast out and the lord never changed his heir. So when the lord passed, Sirius became head of house Black. He obviously can't claim the lordship ring since he was thrown in azkaban. 

"Anyways, I would think you would be happy since you now know that not all of your house is dead or in jail. That doesn't matter though, because I came here to present a proposition"

At this point Walburga and Kreacher were shocked. Eventually Walburga relented and asked what the proposition was.

"I called Kreacher to offer him a chance to not only fulfill his beloved masters last request but for vengeance as well."

She was agape at the statement and Kreacher was silently crying after hearing those words. "What do you mean by that?"

Harry then went on to explain that he knew the truth about Regulus and how he learned that Asshole aka Voldemort was actually a half-blood named Tom Riddle that had tricked the purebloods into killing each other so that he could be rid of all the old families and could rule all of magical Britain unopposed.

"Regulus later learned that he was making objects of power and enslavement and that he switched sides and Voldemort killed him for it thus betraying House Black." Harry went into his plans on destroying the items not mentioning that they were horcruxes. 

After that revelation Walburga and Kreacher were both in tears due to their shared grief, loss and anger at how they were tricked into backing the murderer of their beloved Regulus. Walburga looked into Harry's eyes and spoke "I see you have thought this through but what is it you get out off doing this, child?"

Harry let the childish mask slip and the hardened soldier took its place as he leaned forward. "I want loyalty. I find myself in a war and very few allies. I need someone I can trust at my back while I annihilate my enemies. The British wizards have forgotten that the Potters and Blacks are no one's pawns and that although our families may be beaten, we are still not out of the fight just yet. What does not kill us will make us all the stronger for it, we will not give up or give in and will not rest until all our enemies are destroyed. So what is your decision?"

'I just impressed myself, that was some next level bullshit. Yet again being a nerd pays off. Nothing like pulling shit from fanfics, video games and movies.'

Walburga and Kreacher were taken aback when Harry made his impassioned speech they started to envision their family rise from the ashes and make it's enemies pay. The one thing the Blacks knew and respected above almost all attributes was the need and willingness for vengeance. Kreacher had not realized he had stopped breathing until he heard his own gasp. Walburga had tears running down her cheeks. Harry watched as her eyes hardened and she turned her gaze to Kreacher and stated "Kreacher! You will be loyal to the young master." Kreacher bowed his head and simply stated, "Yes, mistress." 'That actually worked?! Definitely felt my butthole pucker for a minute there. Out here winning hearts and minds, bitches!'

Walburga looked at Harry and asked him what the items he was referring to were. Harry thought about it for a minute then decided that he was already going for broke so he told them he needed basilisk venom and a goblin forged blade as that was the sure fire way to destroy the item. He told them he knew that there was a basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets and that he would most likely have to go there and kill the basilisk for the venom since there wasn't any other way to obtain it or the sword of gryffindor but that would require a lot of time and planning.

Walburga then said something that made Harry facepalm so hard that it left a huge red handprint on his forehead. 

"If you need basilisk venom and a goblin forged blade then why don't you have Kreacher get the last of the Black family stores of basilisk venom and goblin forged blades from the potions stores and armory in the basement?" 'What!? Why didn't I think of that? I mean logically the Black family is an old dark family so of course they would have dangerous poisons and weapons stocked somewhere. I swear this magic is affecting my logical thinking. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Keep It Simple Stupid!'

After a very hard facepalm Harry asked Kreacher to go retrieve those items. Kreacher came back with a dusty bottle and an array of goblin forged blades ranging from stilettos to a roman gladius. Harry asked Kreacher for a bowl and some dragonhide gloves. While Kreacher went to fetch the bowl he picked out a Fairburn Sykes dagger, a ka-bar lookin knife and the gladius he then set the rest aside and got the bowl from Kreacher and poured the venom into the bowl and dipped the knives in and watched. The blades on the knives changed from a dull grey to black blades as they absorbed the venom. That didn't happen in the movie. Whatever. He then poured some of the venom on the sword. When that was all done he asked Kreacher to bring the locket. Harry examined it and it set off his danger senses. 'Fuckin eerie.'

Harry then put the locket on the ground and smashed it with the sword. What happened next was more dramatic than what he thought it would be. At first nothing happened which made Harry frown and was about to turn around when a black smoke rose up and boiled until it shrunk in on itself then exploded out with an unearthly scream. Harry and Kreacher were blasted on to the walls which knocked both into unconsciousness. 

Harry woke to the dulcet sounds of Walburga Black screaming his name. 'Ouchies! How much did I drink last night? It hurts to think and whoever this Harry is, he better get his girl.' To say Harry was disoriented would be a major understatement. He forgot he had woken in a fictional world for a few minutes. He slowly gained his senses and realized his surroundings and it all came back to him as he finally sat up against the wall.

"Ma'am, I'm fine. That last hit just knocked me silly for a few minutes. Are you alright? How's Kreacher?"

Walburga was relieved to see the child sit up and talk. She did not want to see the last hope of house Black die before her eyes. "Are you sure you are alright? You and Kreacher were thrown around like gnomes once that vile locket was destroyed. Kreacher is still incapacitated but his chest is still rising so he is alive."

Harry had made his way to Kreacher and checked his vitals and made sure he hadn't been hurt worse than it seemed. After a half hour of just sitting and coming to accept that he had made it through fairly unscathed from the bullshit that was a horcrux, Kreacher woke up and after he got his shit together he jump tackled Harry and sobbed in the kids arms in gratitude for finally accomplishing his master's final task.

"Kreacher will be forever loyal to young master Black." He said in between sobs. 'Eeew! I got house elf snot on my shirt! Fucking gross!' Harry patted him on the back and told him everything would be alright and asked him if he could pop him back to his tent since it had been a very tiring day. Kreacher said he would. Harry gathered his dagger and ka-bar and popped back to his living room.

"Anything else youse need young master?" Kreacher asked with a fanatical gleam in his eyes. Harry looked at him and asked a lot of questions he had been curious about ever since he first read the books. "Do I need to bind you to myself or are you bound to the Black family only? Do you always make that popping noise when you appear or can you do it silently? Also, do house elves have away to make themselves invisible or was that just a rumor?" Kreacher quickly stated that he could pop silently and that house elves could indeed become invisible. 'Makes sense, no one wants to see the help around the house.' He stated that he didn't need to bind himself to Harry because he used the residual magic from Grimmauld for his needs. 'Oh you ugly little bastard, you have just become my best asset.'

"What would it mean for you to be bound, Kreacher?" Kreacher went on to explain if he bound himself to Harry some of his magic would help sustain him and would make him and his magic stronger. He would be his personal elf, the only one who could order him to do anything. Harry quickly asked him if he wanted to be his personal elf and bind himself to Harry. Kreacher started to tear up again and nodded like an ugly bobblehead.

"So, how do we do this?" Kreacher took Harry's hand and he closed his eyes until there was a glow between the two. Harry had to cover his eye with his other hand to prevent from being blinded. When the glow died down Harry felt even more tired and Kreacher looked healthier and looked more muscular. 'He looks like he could do some damage… still ugly as sin though.'

Kreacher looked at himself and smiled. 'Wow, he looks more grotesque when he smiles.' "Young master is powerful wizard, Kreacher now stronger. What can kreacher doos for you young master?" Harry let go of his hand and sat down.

"Kreacher you will keep all of our activities secret. You will tell no one other than Walburga. You will clean and restore Grimmauld to its former glory and any cursed items in the house will be placed in a secure part of the armory where only you or I will have access. From now on when I call you, you will pop in silently and invisibly. I want you to pop to me ready for battle every time.

Also, I want you to look at some of the clothes I bought and I want you to make at least two sets of uniforms. One for when we go on operations and one for everyday use. For ops I recommend the cargo pants and long sleeves and for everyday wear I suggest something formal that befits a house elf of House Black. You may put the Black crest on the every day uniform but no markings whatsoever on our operations uniform.

Now, I will go rest and you go home and get started. Remember, only myself and Walburga are to know of our plans no one else including the other Black family members and lock Grimmauld down so only you or I will be able to enter. Oh, one last thing, the portrait of Phineus Black must be put in a closet where he wont be able to see or hear anything in the house. We will deal with him at a later date. I will call you when I need you." Kreacher nodded and popped out. Harry sighed, made himself some dinner, showered and passed out.

The following day Harry woke up refreshed although he had been a little sore from getting pinballed at Grimmauld. He started his new workout regimen. He went to his trunk selected his gym compartment, walked down  and started his work out. 2 hours later Harry was in his library compartment thinking of his next step. He wanted to have a special forearm holster for the dagger made into an assassins creed type gauntlet and was trying to figure out how he could possibly get a gun since he was not going to depend on just his magic to make it through the gauntlet that is Hogwarts. He figured he would ask Walburga if she had any ideas. 

He then had to go to the local library and find out where Little Hangleton is so he could look up where the riddles and Gaunts lived so he could take out another horcrux. Two down and he still had to get the ring, the cup, the diary and the diadem and maybe the snake if Asshole had made it yet. He didn't think the snake had been made one yet but he lived by the old adage of  hope for the best and plan for the worst.

His plans made, he slipped on some clothes he bought and realized that other than his gym clothes and underwear none of it fit. 'Of course! I bought the clothes before the hospital stay. What a bonehead move.' Harry put on some gym shorts a t-shirt, sneakers and backpack, over that he put his invisibility cloak and made his way to the library to get info on Little Hangleton and find a clothing store.

At half past 1 Harry had returned from clothes shopping and information gathering. He made himself some lunch and opened his newest and most important purchases his Walkman, batteries and some cassettes. He put the batteries in and popped in Beastie Boys Check Your Head. For the first time since he woke up in the infirmary, he genuinely smiled.

For the rest of the month he was either working out, training his hand to hand, studying and practicing spells in his trunk or scheming. Watching from her perch, Hedwig was the happiest she had ever been, because her owlet was free from the abuse of those nasty humans and she could come and go as she pleased. 

Harry had made it to Diagon Alley a few times now that he had practiced occlumency, his control over his limited metamorphmagus abilities was passable. He went disguised as a brunette with brown eyes and a totally forgettable face. 'It's just like when you start a new character in a Bethesda game, totally generic kid who lost his sweet roll. Lol.'

During his explorations he had found the owl post office and set up a post box so that mail from Hermione and Neville would be forwarded there and had Kreacher check his mailbox daily. Harry had written his friends and told them he would be busy with his family and that he would contact them for a time to meet up to get their school supplies. 

Harry had spoken with Walburga and she told him of the shops in Knockturn that were "discrete". He found a shop which did custom holsters in Knockturn and had ordered holsters to be made for his dagger and knife. He was very satisfied with the work since they had been enchanted with notice me not, auto sizing and anti summoning runes. The clerk had been very helpful in suggesting the more obscure and powerful runes since that way even if someone had enchanted optics they would still not be able to see them and he had paid extra for the runes that blood bound them so no one but him would be able to take them off.

'I finally got my assassin's gauntlet! I really shouldn't be this jazzed about it but damn it, if I can't enjoy the little things in this hellhole, I would go insane… well more insane than usual.' 

The clerk was happy for all the gold he had made and had happily offered to do any questionable custom enchanting in the future and pointed him towards his cousin who ran an apothecary when asked where one could obtain some malaclaw venom. Harry introduced Kreacher as his elf since he would be his new point of contact. Harry had made his way to apothecary and stated he was there on behalf of his "master" and asked if he could get malaclaw venom with a quick dispersal rate.

The apothecary owner said he had such a poison and started on some b.s. that it was highly regulated and that he didn't want to be implicated in a crime. 'Greedy fucker wants more money.' After some back and forth and some discussion on the fact that if the potion worked as he said it would then he needn't worry about being implicated. The owner reluctantly agreed after he became a few hundred galleons richer. 'Now, I can get rid of the Dursleys as soon as Sirius is freed and if I absolutely have to, I can use it on Sirius if he is Dumbledore's man. I really hope I can guilt him into an unbreakable vow otherwise Commissioner Gordon aint gonna make it.'

Harry went back to his routine of working out, studying, magical training and occlumency training. By mid July, he felt confident enough with his occlumency that he could at least provide his mundane memories as a buffer to his occlumency walls which were the walls that enclosed Jurassic Park. Predators and a battalion of spec ops soldiers were his first line of defense. If someone got past his fortifications he had the creepy albino twins from the matrix and xenomorphs and velociraptor packs as his roving guards. Lastly he had Neo, Trinity, a xenomorph queen, Mace Windu and Morpheus as his final line of defense at the Jurassic Park headquarters. He had his past life memories password locked on the Nedry computer. His skills and languages, and magical knowledge on the matrix chair in the control room so he could just go sit down and have Tank load up the proper information if he ever needed to download something to the forefront of his brain. 

Harry highly doubted that any 12 year old would be able to accomplish all this but then again he was a 34 year old nerd in a 12 year old body. 'Phrasing!' He wasn't surprised his mind palace was so developed. He had read the book Dr. Mayfield provided and was able to control his magical output with the circuit breakers in the control room so his magic became much more efficient which in turn made his magic that much stronger. 'No Naruto problems here.' 

After his morning routine, Kreacher arrived with mail from Ted Tonks requesting a meeting at his office the following day where they could go over his lawsuits and and he could meet Andromeda. He penned a quick reply and after coaxing Hedwig to calm down as to why he didn't have her retrieve his mail instead of Kreacher. After being bribed with a full package of bacon, she calmed down and was happily on her way to deliver Harry's reply. 'I may not have girl problems but I definitely have owl problems, Hov.'

The following day around noon Harry donned his backpack, weapons and cloak and had Kreacher pop him near Ted's office. He had Kreacher scope out the building and when he saw that the coast was clear, he put his cloak away and went into the building. He made his way to the receptionist and she let him through to the office. Ted greeted him and introduced him to his wife. 'Oh my fuck! Andi looks like a young Catherine Zeta Jones! Spank bank material fo sho!'

After an awkward moment of silence and bug eyed staring from the boy. He coughed and got it together. "I apologize for my wool gathering, you reminded me of someone." He took her hand and brushed his lips on her knuckles. "I'm supposed to kiss your hand right? I still haven't learned much about magical etiquette so I apologize if I offend you, it's not my intent."

Ted looked on trying to hide a smirk, he was used to men ogling his wife. In the magical world it was due to the resemblance to Bellatrix but in the non magical it was simply because she is a beautiful woman. Andromeda smirked and stated. "My, you are a charmer, if I were your age I would be quite smitten." She let out a quiet laugh. "You are correct in kissing the hand of a witch when first introduced. I see why you asked for tuition on etiquette, Mr. Potter. We will have to work on that. "

"You may just call me Harry, ma'am. I have come to understand that some women do not like to be addressed as ma'am since it 'ages' them but I was raised to always address ladies as ma'am, again I mean no offense." 'Jesus! What are you? 12? Stop babbling!' She gave him a long stare. Harry was now starting to sweat. 'Fucking proper noble etiquette and smoking hot Milfs.' "You may just call me Andi." She stated with a smile.

After the trainwreck that was the introductions, Ted went over the case so far. He stated that was actually going well, he had found the publisher for all those Harry Potter books and and was going to find out who the author is and would then be able to go after them.

"Harry, most of the companies who have used your name or likeness have already been taken into account and given a cease and desist order. We will sue them all once we find this author since they have made the most money off of you. We will hopefully get this done while you're at Hogwarts so you won't have to deal with the public. You will have to deal with all the kids though." 

"Yeah I figured, now I have something to tell you but I will need a vow because this is Black family business and the future of the Black family depends on your discretion." Andromeda and Ted just stared at the boy and after a quick glance at each other they came to a silent agreement. "What would the wording of the vow be exactly?" Ted asked. "Well, that you would not discuss my secrets with anyone unless I give my permission." 'I don't know man, you're the lawyer.' Ted and Andi started to go over the wording of the vow and after some discussion The three finally agreed on the wording and the Tonks gave their vows. "So what is so important that we had to give this vow?" asked an annoyed Andi.

"Well, this is what I know about Sirius Black…" Harry went on to explain that he "remembered" his uncle Padfoot and the night he got his scar and how supposedly Sirius was his Godfather and he remembered Sirius handing him over to Hagrid so he could hunt down Peter for some reason and that his own private sleuthing had discovered that there was no record of any trial for Sirius and that it was very interesting, since even Belatrix got a trial and he was the heir Black at the time of his incarceration. What was another strange anomaly was that Dumbledore as the Chief warlock had not caught that. Harry explained that if an enemy combatant was high up on the totem pole, why not pump them for information such as the identities of other members, information of funding for the organization or at the very least for information on the locations of victims to give the remaining families bodies to bury. It just didn't make sense.

Andi gasped at the new information and Ted said he would look into it because if it was true that would mean that an innocent man had been in Azkaban for over a decade and that some of the higher echelons of the government might have been compromised. They would have to inquire discreetly.

All in all it was a productive meeting and Harry had scheduled some etiquette lessons with Andi as long as no one found out, including her daughter. They were confused why he stipulated that but he said he didn't want the ministry or Dumbledore to find out he was correcting his deficiencies. Ted and Andi had reluctantly agreed, he also found out she was a retired healer. He contracted her as his personal healer so that from then on he wouldn't have to portkey all the way to America for check ups.

A week before his birthday Harry got a letter from Neville asking if he wanted to come over for his birthday. Harry figured he could help the kind chubby kid out so he said he would meet him at the Leaky Cauldron on the morning of the 30th. Harry wasn't really interested in the friendships of children because that was just creepy but he could mentor them to be better human beings and they would hopefully become more independent so they wouldn't rely on him as much in the future and he could get the hell out of dodge when he dealt with Asshole.

Harry got him a bunch of books on mundane plants and botany along with two Bonsai trees, a book on self defense, and a book on the art of Bonsai. The kid needs to learn how to handle himself and needs positive encouragement for his passions.

The night before he left, Harry decided to deal with Dobby. He didn't need the aggravation of having a record through no fault of his own. He and Kreacher had come up with the plan of calling for Dobby while Kreacher was hidden. He would try to reason with him if not then Kreacher would prevent Dobby from doing anything to implicate Harry and get his mail back.

Harry called Dobby and he appeared in the backyard. Dobby's already bug eyes popped out further when he realized who had called him. Vibrating in place he finally burst, "The Great Harry Potter knows Dobby?!" "He looks like a puppy mainlined some Rip Its. I can't believe I have to deal with this bullshit.'

"Yes, Dobby, I know of you and I know what the Malfoys are planning." Dobby had stilled and if weren't for the fact that he was blinking Harry thought he might have had a heart attack. "Great Harry Potter knows?! How?!" He screeched. Harry winced from the little elf's outburst.

"First of all, keep it down will ya. Secondly, how could I be the Great Harry Potter if I weren't powerful? I have my ways of finding out who will try and hurt me. Since I already know, you don't have to worry because I'm obviously powerful enough to deal with the Malfoys plot. That means you can stop stealing my mail and as a sign of good faith, I can tell you of a way to free yourself from your abusive master."

Dobby fidgeted as he realized he had been busted then started to slam his head on the ground as he sobbed. Dobby muttered he had to punish himself. Harry jumped and stopped him from doing further brain damage. 'This ugly little bugger has enough brain damage as it is.'

"That's enough of that now. You don't need to punish yourself because you haven't done anything bad. Just return my mail and let me deal with the dark plot against me. I have a plan and need things to play out a bit before I can strike, ok." Dobby sobbed into Harry's chest. 'God damn it! House elf snot on my shirt again!'

After Dobby had calmed down he handed over the letters and apologized. "The Great Harry Potter is too kind to Dobby. Dobby is a bad elf." Dobby's eyes started to well up again. 'Oh hell no! Not another round of elf snot!'

"Dobby would you like to know how to free yourself?" Dobby was nodding so hard that Harry was pretty sure his flopping ears were close to breaking the sound barrier. "It's quite simple actually, you just need to be silent and invisible when Lucius is changing, or if he is about to have sex. You stay hidden and when he starts throwing his clothes about, you just need to position yourself so you can catch the clothes." Dobby was once again bug eyed and mouth agape. "Youse is the smartest wizard alive," he whispered in awe.

"Yeah, sure." Harry replied while rolling his eyes. "Look, I got this figured out so you don't need to protect me. Whenever you get freed, if you want employment you can always try Hogwarts but if you want to bind yourself to a new family, the Potter family would be happy to have an elf like you." 'I immediately regret that decision. Dobby looked like had just jizzed his pants. Aaaahh! Brain bleach!'

"Y-youse would want Dobby?" He asked with a crazed twinkle in his eyes. 'Dear God, what have I done?... I painted myself into a corner on this one.' Harry sweat dropped, "Y-yeah sure, little buddy. You should make your way back to Malfoy so you can get started on getting your freedom" Dobby started nodding at mach 2 again and popped away.

Kreacher became visible and stared at the spot Dobby had just vacated and then looked at Harry. "There be something wrongs with that elf, young master." Harry had to agree with the old elf. "Yeah, I have a feeling that's gonna come back and bite me in the ass."

He went over the letters Dobby had pilfered and replied to Ron's letters. 'This Ron kid must have ADHD,  his thoughts are all over the place and he just whines about everything. He asked me to come stay with them like every other line. Sweet Yeezus, he is clingy. I feel sorry for Hermione.'

He made up an excuse about being busy with his relatives and that he would meet up with him in Diagon alley to pick up school supplies and would be able to stay with him until School started again. The following morning,Harry loaded all the presents into his backpack, donned his cap and had Kreacher pop him in an alley outside the Leaky Cauldron. 

Harry walked in and didn't have to wait long to see Neville and his grandmother coming out of the floo. Harry walked over and Neville didn't recognize him but after convincing Neville it was actually him, he introduced himself to Dowager Longbottom. 'Holy shit! it's M. I wonder if Bond is around?' After the introductions they took the floo to Longbottom Hall.

"Welcome to Longbottom Hall, Harry." Neville shyly welcomed his friend. "Thanks, Nev. Happy birthday!" Neville blushed and said thanks. Neville took Harry on a tour of the estate and ended up showing Harry his greenhouse. Harry was amazed at how peaceful it was. 'A hot tub would be ballin in here. I'll tell him when he starts dating. Bwahahaha!' "This is great, Nev. I can see why you are so proud of it. By the way, do you want your birthday presents now or should we wait for your grandmother?" 

"Y-you didn't have to get me anything, Harry." Neville stated. "Nev, you are one of my friends and it's your birthday, of course I got you presents." Harry reassured Neville. They went inside and had lunch with Dowager Longbottom and he gave his presents to Neville.

Neville was ecstatic. When Neville went to put his books away Harry and the Dowager were left alone. "Thank you Harry, Neville doesn't have very many friends and he truly appreciates you coming by to celebrate with him." The stern women said between sips of tea.

"He is a good kid he just needs to work on his confidence. I'm sure if he had a wand that was matched to him he would be a powerhouse and his confidence would go up." The Dowager's eyebrow rose. She obviously didn't like that a child was questioning her but she had to admit his comments had some merit. "Why do you think he would be a powerhouse?" 

'Time for that good ol' bullshit.' "Well, I happened to hear the professors discussing how it didn't make sense how Neville was so magically strong but he seemed to have problems casting spells almost like his wand did not match him. So I researched and the only thing that made sense is that the wand isn't his but someone else's; which then led me to believe it's either his mother's or father's but now I'm sure it's his father's wand. Am I close?"

"Maybe, Mr. Potter. So you think if my Neville had his own wand that he would perform better?" She asked. Harry put his tea down and replied, "I think it would be very cheap and easy to find out." Augusta Longbottom took another sip and said, "we will see."

Harry spent the night at Longbottom Hall. He got Neville to open up about his parents and their condition. "M-Most people don't seem to understand what it's like to not have your parents around except for you and Susan Bones but at least I'm lucky enough to see my parents. You and Sue don't, so I guess it's not so bad." Neville mumbled as he looked at his new Bonsai trees. 

"You know, it's just a weird situation, from what you have told me they are stuck in their minds reliving the worst night of their lives, if only you could obliviate that night from their memories... You should ask the doctor, I mean healer if it would be possible." Little did the boys know that Augusta had heard their conversation from the doorway and was already making plans to see if that could be possible. 

The following day Neville and his grandmother woke up and had their house elf go wake Harry but the house elf informed them that he was in the backyard doing strange things. Intrigued both Longbottoms went to the rear door and watched Harry doing push ups, sit ups and burpees. They had never seen anything like it before and after watching him do a few cool down stretches waved him over. Harry took the towel the little house elf had set out for him and wiped himself off before walking over to the table that was set up in the veranda.

"Good morning Longbottoms." 'Let's see if I can talk Neville into getting in better shape.' Harry greeted the pair. "Harry what in the world were you doing just now?" asked a very curious Neville. Well I don't know if you noticed but last year I was not the healthiest person. I saw a doctor, oh you wouldn't know what that is, a doctor is a non magical healer.

She said I needed to start exercising otherwise wise I would have growth problems. You see, I live with my non magical relatives so it's easier for them to take me to a doctor than to Saint Mungos. Since I've started, I've discovered that the healthier my body is the stronger my magic gets. I happened to run into a healer recently and asked her why that might be and she stated that since most of my magic isn't being used to keep my body healthy it's now 'freed' up to be used for other things such as spells.

I highly recommend starting a workout plan, Nev. You not only feel better but makes you stronger both physically and magically. It also helps mentally since it gives you confidence. We may be a little young to be thinking about "courting", but girls will be more receptive to strong looking wizard than a little boy no bigger than a house elf. Lastly it helps with stamina, if i'm ever in a situation where I need to trade spells with someone I'll be able to either outlast them or be able to dodge more spells and run away. I'd prefer not to be hit by a spell then trying my luck outlasting someone though.

Well, if you will excuse me, I will take a quick shower and join you for breakfast." 'Seriously, if this were an rpg my bullshitting skill would be at like level 60 by now.'

After a quick shower and a change of clothes the occupants of Longbottom Hall were treated to a nice breakfast breakfast on the veranda. "H-Harry, do you think you can help me with this 'work out plan' you were talking about?" Harry smiled, "Sure Neville, if you want we can even go to non magical London later and get you the proper clothes for working out." 

Neville gave Harry his present which the original Harry would have treasured more than anything but Harry 2.0 just thought was sweet. Neville and his grandmother had given Harry another photo album of his parents including a picture of both Harry and Neville as babies in a playpen. 'Fuck, I need to pretend I love this. Although, pipsqueak and Neville's moms were stone cold foxes back in day.'

Harry used his occlumency to dial up sadness enough to make him misty eyed. "T-thanks Nev, Thank you, ma'am. This is a very precious gift. I feel like my gifts fell a bit short compared to the gift you have given me." Neville became flustered because he didn't know how to react. "I know! we can go explore non magical London and go shopping. It will be my treat, I insist." Augusta Longbottom was reticent to let the boys go to muggle London without a chaperone especially because she was anxious to go to Saint Mungos to see if Harry's theory could possibly work to heal her son and daughter in law. "I don't know boys, we may have to go another time, I have some business to take care off and I don't want you boys to go alone." Harry feigned a thoughtful frown. "We can go with your house elf, I've read they can turn invisible and she can chaperone us and get us back if we run into trouble."

Augusta decided it was a fair compromise and left for Saint Mungos. After donning some baseball caps the boys and Tilly the elf took the floo to the Leaky Cauldron and made their way to the streets of London. Harry got them a cab and made their way to a department store. "Harry this is amazing!" Neville gasped as he and Harry walked into the store." Harry smiled at how culture shocked the kid was. "Come on Nev, we need to get you some work out clothes and shoes" 

An hour later the boys were taking a cab back to the Leaky Cauldron. "Alright Nev, you have all the proper gear now, I'll send you a work out plan by owl later today." They arrived at the Leaky, Harry paid for the cab and walked Neville and Tilly to the floo. "Thanks for inviting me into your home Nev, I hope you had a great birthday because I know I did. Tell your grandmother thanks for me." Neville gave a shy smile, "I had a great birthday too and thanks for all the presents."

Harry patted Neville on the shoulder and watched the boy leave. Harry snuck back out to the London streets and made his way to a side street, morphed into generic kid face #3 and called the knight bus. With a backblast like a shotgun the bus arrived. Harry stepped into the bus and came face to face with Stan Shunpike and Ern. "Where to, kid" asked a pimply faced Stan. "Little Hangleton, please." Stan shrugged, "11 sickles, but 13 gets you a hot water bottle and toothbrush of your choice." Harry gave him the 11 sickles and found a seat. 

To say that the Knight bus was the worst way to travel magically is like saying hell is hot. Harry stumbled out into the street and swore he would never use the Knight bus unless it was a life and death situation. Harry found the little Hangleton library and after pretending he needed help on his school project on the old families that made up Little Hangleton the librarian gave him directions to both Riddle Manor and to where the creepy old Gaunt shack was. 

Harry walked to Riddle Manor and called for Kreacher. Kreacher popped next to Harry and squeezed his arm. "Kreacher, remain hidden and remember this place, the graveyard on the property will be a target at a later date, for now, follow me." Harry and Kreacher made their way onto the property and snuck around until the found the graveyard. With that objective completed they went to find the Gaunt shack. 

They eventually found the Gaunt Shack which really did look creepy as hell. "Kreacher stay behind me and keep an eye out for snakes. When I say Bravo, you will pop us back to the graveyard. Kreacher squeezed his arm in acknowledgement. Harry walked up to the shack door and saw the snake that had been nailed to it. 'Poor little guy, it's still alive and has been nailed to this door this whole time.' The snake eyed Harry as he walked up to the door. 

Just as Harry reached the door the snake spoke. "Halt! Speak the password and you may enter." Harry was surprised he understood what the snake was saying. 'Well, shit! What would Asshole the douche lord use as a password?'

"I am Lord Slytherin and Lord Gaunt, I will not be denied entry to my own property!" The snake hissed for awhile until finally the door lock clicked and the door opened slightly. 'Ok...I'm a Parseltongue! Sweet! Seriously, bullshitting should be a solid level 75-80.'

"Kreacher, get the special case ready." Kreacher gave his acknowledging arm squeeze and Harry pulled out his untraceable Ebony wand and a G.I. Joe, which he placed on the ground in front of him. Well, hope this works otherwise the studying and practice has been for nothing. Harry pointed his wand at the action figure and cast the animation charm. 

The figure came to life and looked at Harry confusedly. "Listen up soldier! Your mission is to retrieve the ring and put it in the case. Keep your head on a swivel out there and get ready, we are going in 30 seconds." The G.I. Joe nodded gave a salute and got ready. 'Yay! The charm worked. I can't believe I just had a Small Soldiers moment.' Harry turned around and started searching and as he searched, he left plastic bottles full of household chemicals.  

Harry found the floor board and levitated it away. He caught a glimpse of the ring and was assaulted with a need to put the ring on but before he could take a step he felt a little hand pull him back. Harry shook his head and strengthened his occlumency barriers. "Thanks Kreacher, that was a close one. Get the case ready." Kreacher give his arm a squeeze and did what he was ordered. Harry looked down at the action figure that was making his way to the hole in the floor. "Alright soldier, in that hole is a high value target. Secure the ring and we will extract you and you will put the ring in the case. I won't lie to you it's more than likely a one way trip. You can back out now." 'I can't believe I'm hamming it up during an op. I need to focus. Damn 12 year old mischievousness.'

The G.I. Joe nodded and gave a salute which Harry returned. "You do your country proud, good hunting." The action figure did an about face and jumped in to the hole. Harry heard a slight knock from Joe and he peered into the hole and saw the action figure curled around the ring. Harry levitated the action figure out of the shack into the early evening air. Harry saw the metal case and floated the toy over it and dropped it into the waiting basilisk venom below. Harry and Kreacher ran back and waited. They saw the little box shake then the familiar smoke rose up and bubble before it shrunk. They hid behind the trees right before the unearthly screech and explosion. 

When they came out of cover the metal case and ring were nowhere to be found. A quick accio later and the case few towards Harry and both ring and stone flew to him and hit him in the chest. Kreacher handed him the dragon hide gloves and he picked both up and placed them in the prepared moke bag. All that was left to do was to burn the shack down. Earlier he had Kreacher collect a pack of cigarettes, cigarette butts and a lighter to make it seem like teenagers had used this place to hang out and experiment with household chemicals. Harry threw the cigarette butts by the trees and house then walked over to the door and decided to speak with the snake nailed to the door. "Hey little guy, you got a name?"

The snake turned his head and replied, "This one is known as Isabel, Lord." Harry nodded, "Hello Isabel, I noticed that the previous Lord nailed you to the door, are you in pain? Can I get you off that door or am I too late to help?" The snake shook its head. It is to late for me, Lord. The only thing keeping me alive is the nails, I just wish to rest. Harry sighed, "I'll release you from this cursed existence. I hope your paradise is warm and heavily populated by big juicy rats." 

Harry removed the nails and watched the poor snake finally be free. He turned to Kreacher who had been quietly standing behind fully visible with a molotov in hand. Harry took the bottle lit the rag and threw it into the shack. Kreacher grabbed his arm and they popped back to the graveyard just in time to witness an explosion in the distance. Verifying that the shack was ablaze, Harry turned to Kreacher, "Take me back to the FOB and you can go back to Grimmauld and rest we still have a few things to plan before I leave for Hogwarts."

After Kreacher had popped Harry back to his tent. He showered, changed and had a quick dinner. He wrote out an easy workout plan and had Hedwig take it to Neville. 'Fuck! I should have taken all the Riddle family remains and had that shit thrown into a volcano or something. Fuck! Now they are gonna up security. I guess I'll have to wait till next summer to get rid of that shit.' Harry did his nightly meditation and finally crashed for the night. 

Harry sat down and wrote his to do list. First, he decided to get ready for his stay at The Burrow and packed his original school trunk with clothing and some of his first year books and other school supplies. He decided it would be his decoy trunk. His personal trunk would be shrunk down and worn at all times. Second, he would have to let the Weasley twins know he would be quitting quidditch. 'I got an insurgency to put down, aint nobody got time for quidditch, although I will be trying out broom flying cuz pipsqueak's memories made it seem like crazy fun.' Third, need to let Molly and Ginny know that I absolutely hate fangirls and that i would rather die than ever date or marry a fangirl, subtly of course. 'I always hated the Ginny/Harry ship, too oedipal. Not to mention, my schoolmates are just kids and even though we are physically the same age it still seems gross to me cuz I am mentally old enough to be their fathers.' Fourth, become Luna's friend and help her with the bullying. Fifth, catch Peter and hand him over to Ted or Amelia Bones so I can meet Sirius and see if he will be an ally or hindrance. 

Two weeks flew by and Harry had Kreacher shrink his decoy trunk and pop him over to the non magical alley near the Leaky to meet the Weasley's, and Hermione. Harry turned to Kreacher. "Alright Kreacher, our mission today is to watch out for Lucius Malfoy. He will try to put a book in Ginny Weasley's things, your job is to retrieve it from her Cauldron full of books. The one you are after is dark and will most likely not have any writing on the cover. Once you get it, lock it up in the Black Armory we will destroy it at a later time." Kreacher smiled, "Kreacher will not fail, young master."

Harry squared his shoulders and walked into the leaky and pulled out his Holly wand and made his way into Diagon alley. With his cap, new attire, and new physique, no one recognized him. He saw Hermione and her parents talking with the Weasley's. 'Time to get that bullshitting skill to 100.'

Harry walked up to the group, "Hello Hermione, Hey Ron." The group stopped their conversations and looked at this tallish 12 year old who could pass for 14 and wondered who he was. Ron looked at the stranger and asked the question the group was thinking. "Who the hell are you?" 'Yup, definitely hell. I don't think I'll make it the two weeks in The Burrow.'