Chapter 3: I Don't Want To Die

It is a pleasant day. The weather is fine, cloudy and cool. With a positive spirit, I think I'm ready to face everything today. I prepared myself and got off to the hospital for my medical result.

My mind went blank after seeing the result of my breast ultrasound. Breast ultrasound also known as sonomammogram is a kind of breast examination that determines the size and nature of lumps in the breast. The test result is categorized into BI-RADS (Breast Imaging Reporting and Data System). The category ranges from 1 to 4 where 4 is the worst. I've got BI-RADS 4. It means suspicious malignancy and I need to undergo excision biopsy for further checking. My hands are shaking while discussing the result with a Surgeon referred by my OB-Gynecologist who will need to take care of me for the surgery. It was two days before Christmas and I'm scheduled for surgery two days after.

It was like a nightmare before Christmas. I'm trying to console myself saying, "Dear Sophie, it's not yet confirmed until you undergo biopsy, so don't loose hope. It's not cancer ok." Trying to convince myself on those cold sleepless nights.

I came with my Mom to the hospital as I prepare for the procedure. It's my first time to enter the hospital room as a patient. First time to lie in the operating room, first time to get infused with general anesthesia and first time to be confined. I'm shivering but not sure if it's caused by the aircondition or it's because I'm feeling too nervous about the whole thing. I was informed that the biopsy result will be out after seven working days. After a day, I was discharged from the hospital and went home to recover.

Fireworks display are all over the night sky. Everyone in the neighborhood are joyfully celebrating the dawn of new year. Everybody thinks, new year means new hope, new adventure and new beginning. I don't know how I will spend the next days. I kinda have this fear inside of me. I don't know what to think anymore. As I look to the stars, I uttered a silent prayer, "Lord if you are willing, you are able. Please spare me."

Despite the uncertainties, I managed to celebrate New Year's Eve with the encouraging and loving support from my family. Taking pictures, eating delicious food, I tried to combat my worries with prayers. Believing that God is in control and I shall not be afraid.

Judgement day is what I call the day I finally confirmed my medical condition. With my Mom beside me, my Surgeon gently explained to me the biopsy result. And yes, despite the gentleness in his voice it can't hide the worst news that I have ever heard in my entire life. He goes on like this, "I am very sorry to inform you that based on our findings the lump which measures around 2.5 centimeters turns out to be malignant. I have to tell you that for now based on the tumor size you have been diagnosed with Stage 2 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. It will be your decision to continue on with the next procedures, to undergo mastectomy and lymphadenectomy meaning we will remove your entire right breast tissue including a lympnode in the armpit and perform further tests to determine what fuels the cancer cells and prevent it from spreading. It will also determine the final staging of the cancer. Question is are you willing to undergo the next procedures?" The doctor explained and asked. Without hesitation I responded. "I'm on it, immediately if possible."

I embraced my Mom tightly as I cry in agony. "Mom, I don't want to die, not yet."