1 Chapter 1 - Beginning of Understanding

In the beginning, the world was a simple place.

The day before the awarding ceremony on Liam's Elementary School, he roamed around the campus alone.

Since the teachers were busy organising for tomorrow's ceremony, the class was left to their own devices.

Naturally, these kids would play with each other happily or talk about their favourite cartoons, and banter around.

But he was different and was proud of it.

He went out of the classroom and roamed around the school's campus with numerous thoughts swirling in his head.

"Why do people live?" He muttered to himself as he pondered.

The kids playing on the basketball court soon caught his attention as he wandered around.

Their clothes were drenched in sweat as they dribbled, stole, passed, and shoot the ball.

His forehead formed deep folds momentarily as he continued on walking.

When the sun was already setting, the kids on the campus gradually left the school.

He circled the campus around once again before going back to his classroom.

Nobody was around.

Only his bag lying alone on his seat was waiting for his return.

His eyes were gloomy as he picked up the bag languidly.

With his bag and earphone as his companion, he walked all the way to his home alone.

*

"Congratulations, your son is among the top achievers in the whole Liam Elementary School."

His mother was smiling happily and took the numerous certificates from the teacher's hands, including the medals that she hang on his neck.

The clangor of the medals soon attracted the students around him as they gave him a look of envy and numerous congratulatory words.

He let out a faint smile when he heard one his classmate shouted, "I never saw him studying nor carrying notes around, how could he be in the top 3?"

"You ought to learn from him who listened well to every discussions. He never missed any assignments and projects, nor passed them late," the teacher answered with a smile.

It was true, although he would study a bit, it was never to the point that he would exert effort more than necessary.

"Teacher, my son also loves to read. He read a lot of books at home, especially about science."

His face twitched, his smile disappeared, as his expression suddenly became dark.

"No, that's not true. I just glance at them because I fine the pictures beautiful." His voice had a hint of panic in it as he denied what his mother just said.

He then added to change the topic as he asked, "Teacher, since the ceremony is done, can we go home now?"

"No can do, we still need to take a class picture."

"But—"

"Class, gather in front so that we can take a class picture."

He rolled his eyes inwardly and helplessly went in front, but he hid behind his classmates the moment the camera flashed.

*

In the middle, the world became a little bit complex.

A highschool student was sitting at the corner of the classroom and reading something on his phone.

"The general theory of relativity was theorised by Albert Einstein... String theory had become a popular candidate for the grand unification theory..."

He scrolled down and continued reading.

"Is that the guy who passed the exam without carrying bag and notebooks everyday?"

"Yeah, I heard he even started solving complicated mathematical problems beyond the lessons that were discussed."

"As expected of someone who topped first year to fourth year, truly an Einstein."

His ears perked up when he heard his classmates whispering about him.

"Too bad, I don't have a good impression of him. He was courting a girl and then suddenly left when the girl was already ready to get into relationship with him."

"Ehhh, is that true?"

"Yeah, I've heard he said 'I'll find myself first', what does that even mean? At first year he was quiet, second year he was outgoing, third year he was friendly and talked a lot, but now he's really weird..."

"Sshh. He might hear you."

His eyes turned towards them inconspicuously as he stood up and walked out of the room.

"I don't understand, I used the appropriate personalities to interact with people. I changed them everyday to get the best possible outcome, why things turned out this way? I can't get them all to like me..." He muttered as he walked along the hallway.

*

At the roof of the highschool's building, a student was standing near the railings as he gloomily casted his gaze down.

Some people were holding each other's hands; some students were smiling happily as they talked to each other; while he, was alone standing at the top of the roof.

"The personalities of the main characters - I've donned - in the novels I've read, doesn't seem to work in the real world..."

The gentle wind made his hairs flutter as he continued looking below.

Several minutes passed by when he finally muttered something before climbing up the railings.

"Would it be painful if jumped or would I die quickly?"

Suddenly, the door leading to the rooftop creaked.

As soon as the student coming was halfway through the door, he immediately climbed down and casually went back to his classroom.

Time passed quickly and he was able to finish fourth year high school at top 5.

But what was different now was, even if the medals hanging on his neck was making medley of clangs; even if the people sitting below the stage was clapping at him; even if his mother was smiling at him; no smile was visible on his lips.

His eyelids were drooped down the entire time.

"I should have not tried interacting with them in the first place..." He mumbled to himself.

*

A senior high school student was walking at the highschool campus while nodding at the students he passed by.

New faces, new people, new school, and new identity. He was feeling happy at the moment.

In his hand was a pen doing circles around his finger from time to time as he headed towards his classroom.

A girl with high-arched eyebrows gloomily scrolled on her phone beside his seat.

"No bag again?"

"Nope, don't need one, I only need this," he replied as he showed his pen.

He then sat beside her and took a glance at her phone.

"You know, you're really weird back then when we were still grade eleven. I've never thought you you're capable talking to people until now, quite decently at that. At that time you only sat at the corner and read things I don't even understand."

He stared at her brown eyes and smirked, "That's because..."

"That's because of me! If I haven't invited you at our house for a party drink, you'd never become like this."

A cheeky voice came behind him accompanied by a soft pair of arms wrapping around his neck.

"Right?"

Her eyebrows were a mess but her gentle face, outgoing vibe, and older sister personality made her pleasing to look at.

"Yeah, I never even thought you drink that much." Another girl that was neither fat nor thin walked to him and gently stroke his hair.

Her face looks almost exactly the same as the girl sitting beside him. The only difference was, the other has a caring attitude and the other has a cold temperament.

His eyes immediately stared at the girl stroking his hair gently.

He smiled and held her by her waist as she sat on his lap.

Suddenly, the cold girl sitting beside him glared at them.

"I'll tell Jake about this, you already are in a relationship so behave yourself."

Soon, months passed by and the days where classes didn't occur happened frequently.

They drank beers and wines and tried varieties of drinks to drown themselves.

One day, he even entered the classroom while drunk and took a test while suffering from severe hangover.

Things soon went in the wrong direction when he developed an interest to the girl who was already in a relationship.

When the two was about to do something they shouldn't, he was the one who would stop it first.

It was wrong. He was heavily influenced by ideals and took them to heart. What's wrong is wrong.

But whenever those events came to pass, he would mull over it at night in regret, and think that he should have not stopped it in the first place.

Luckily, the cold high-arched girl, became close to him and he was able to have a decent albeit ambiguous relationship with her.

*

The light coming from his phone lit up his surroundings.

Books and papers were neatly arranged, his bag and clothes are neatly folded. The uniforms hanging on his opened closet were tidy.

His apartment, which was rented by her mother for him, could only be described as spotless.

He sighed and scrolled on his phone while muttering pensively, "I still wanna die... but I just don't understand why..."

The light on his phone turned off as he stood up and decided to switch on the light of his apartment.

He grabbed the black face mask on the study table and wore it.

Half of his face was covered as he gloomily looked at his reflection from the mirror.

He then headed outside the apartment with pack of cigarettes and a lighter on his pocket.

The streets were devoid of people, the eerie silence pervading the narrow road before him didn't make him uncomfortable; instead, he found it to his liking.

Tap, tap, tap.

The sound of his lone footsteps echoed under the moonlight as he continued walking with a calm gait.

[Meet me near the river, I'm heading there now.]

He clicked the sent button on his phone after typing his message.

After several minutes...

[I can't come. I'm busy tonight.]

His face twitched and pressed the phone hard as he replied.

[Fine, then see my corpse tomorrow.]

He then clicked the sent button twice.

When he saw his phone lit up immediately after he sent the message, indicating a reply has just arrived, he turned off his phone and didn't open the message.

"Heh."

On the way, he kept kicking a pebble in front of him like a soccer ball.

Then, he stopped at a convenience store to buy some foods. When he went inside, an idea came to him when he saw the cans of beer.

After paying for the several cans of beer and potato chips, he looked at the girl in charge of the cashier.

Seeing those tired and weary eyes, he couldn't resist the urge of asking the question he always had to people.

"I might be intruding but, your eyes seemed to tell me you don't want this job. What's the point of living if you yourself don't seem to enjoy living?"

Normally he wouldn't be able to talk to anyone, much less people he doesn't know. But today was an exception.

Her eyes suddenly widened at the sudden question but she was able to reply with, "Are you saying I should just die?"

"Well... That's not what I meant, but that's also what I meant," he scratched his head in confusion.

"That's rude and idiotic. Look here, my mother and father are already having a hard time getting my brothers and sisters into school. The money I earned here will not only make my parents' life easier but it will also provide a brighter future for my siblings."

He frowned unconciously and asked, "Why does it sound like you were created with the purpose of shitting money for the one who brought you up? That doesn't sound reasonable, in fact your parents are being selfish for letting you toil like a dog."

"You..."

"In fact, it's more idiotic if you look at it this way; I mean, if you can't handle growing a bunch of parasites, why bother making a lot of it in the first place."

"The little parasites suffer because the host isn't capable of providing enough nutrients. Instead of not making another parasite, the host then stupidly decides to make one of the little parasites a host..."

His eyes blinked gloomily as he continued speaking, "At the end, the host devolves into a life-sucking parasitic creature that will continuously be stuck on the new host - which is you."

A moment of silence descended in the cold convenience store.

"Are you done?"

"..."

"Did you just call my parents parasites? Who do you think you are?!"

Hearing the shrill in her voice, he couldn't help but swiftly grabbed the things he bought and took a step back.

"You know it's not good to shout at the customer. You see the camera up there," he pointed his chin up at the camera behind her and said, "One complain is enough for me to ruin your position in this convenience store."

Although I'm not sure that would actually happen...

But when he saw the girl shut her mouth, he felt a strange sense of achievement.

The sound of the air conditioner reverberated in the silent convenience store.

"You ask me who do I think I am right?"

He spoke as he slowly walked away.

"I'm just a worthless guy who really wanted to die. What's the point of doing all these things, if you're going to suffer every single day, and only managed to find joy in life momentarily before you're sent back to the same cycle of sufferings again and again and again..."

He paused halfway the exit and looked back at her.

"... Why don't you just kill yourself too?"

The moment his feet landed outside the convenience store, he swore he heard slew of curses when the door automatically shut.

He heaved a sigh and shook his head.

"What a moron, she clearly didn't understand everything I just said."

I only said that to wake her up, what's the problem? If people could absolve themselves from sufferings, I'll gladly advice them to take their own lives as I would, if only I wasn't afraid of physical pain.

He was about to check his phone but halfway he put it away when he recalled he turned it off.

Seeing that there are still no people around under the night sky, he lit up a piece of cigarette and took off his facemask.

'Haa.'

The smoke drifted and scattered as he blew it out from his mouth while lifting his head up, his eyes reflecting the full moon above.

He sighed several times until he arrived near the river and sat down.

"Painless ways to die... I just can't find a way because of my limited resources..."

Feeling the cigarette between his lips, he stared at the river with a blank expression, while the cans of beer was waiting beside him.

Hours passed by when he gradually grew anxious.

Is she not coming?

He hesistantly took out his phone but decided not to turn it on; instead, he stood up and went towards the stone stairs leading down to the river.

But he stopped just a step away from getting his shoes wet from the passing water.

His eyes gazed down at the blurry figure on the surface of the river.

"I'm not even having a hard time in life, I have foods, apartment, caring step-mother, and had decent grades; but, why do I want to die?"

The river flowed gently unaware of his nonsensical rambling.

Suddenly, a girl's cold voice startled him.

"I don't think you'll die there easily, based on the many ways you told me about, you said this is one of the worst way to commit suicide."

Tap, tap, tap.

The sound of her footsteps gradually grew closer behind him.

Her high-arched eyebrows and brown eyes was illuminated by the moonlight in the cloudless sky.

She had a sensuous body even though her chest was on the smaller side. It wasn't flat, but it was so-so. Her unique feature is her posture emphasizing her chest and her butt. If he could describe it in fewer words, then she looks like a proud swan.

"When I told you to be true to yourself, I didn't mean for you to become like this."

"But I was always like this."

He raised his head and looked up the sky with a rare grin on his face while his back was facing her.