1 I just miss you

I just want to write you but I can't. If I sent that message, the symbol that shows you haven't read it will sit there staring me in the face like big bold proof that you are really gone and then I feel like my insides are twisting in on themselves. I feel like my whole body repulses the idea away, it just can't be true. And then when I can't pretend the truth away I feel so angry and confused and left wanting for answers I know I'll never get. I also feel crazy for feeling all these things. In some ways we were close, but for knowing each other for 15 years we were complete strangers in so many ways. I didn't even know your middle name was Daniel until I read your obituary.

You were always both light hearted and heavy souled and it's what drew me in with you. You always felt so familiar, like home. You were always magnetic, a handsome man with a beautiful smile surrounded by so many people but always had a veil of loneliness about you. I could talk to you about anything and never felt judged. I had a deep affection and mutual respect for you. But because of simple pride and guarded emotions I never told you. I never told you how much I appreciated you and our friendship. I am so sorry that I didn't answer your last message. I never should have let myself get too busy to answer a message from a person I consider a friend. I will never forgive myself for that. You will always be a painful reminder to never leave things unsaid. I want you to know that I did and do care about you. I should have been a better friend. It hurts to know you're not here anymore. It hurts to know you are so far out of reach. I will always miss you and I pray that you are in peace. And though I don't know what there is after this life I truly hope I see you again.