1 My mother

At the end of the day, a part of me love her, at the same time I hated her.

I hated her for having so many mask on. Sometimes I wonder if it's tiring for switching from one mask to another. The smiles she put up for others to see and the calm and sweet voice she have in a conversation with others, I hated it. As soon as these people goes away, she turn around to be her real self.

My mother raise me up being a Hmong daughter, she taught me how to prepare to be a daughter in law, she taught me to be patient and everything she could teach me physically and mentally. One thing she didn't taught me properly was love. She verbally uses words and phrases to tell me that as a woman, my heart should not be easily sway. My body should not be given up easily. And now I am an empty shell without emotions wondering why I am facing hard time with the past relationship that I've had.

I've take her words to heart and now I am like her. My mother grew up traditionally and her thoughts are not the same as me. My mother did not get married because my father and her are deeply in love. They both got married within six month of dating and couple years of knowing each other but never serious with each other. My mother feel that she was the last option that my father has to pick so this marriage is seem to have love but without love as well. I hated her for thinking that way.

My mother always bring up subject that end up spoiling the mood all the time. Sometimes asking, "oh if your father and I got divorce, who would youguys choose? Or if we would to get a divorce he said he wanted all of you, but I don't care because it would be easier for me too, I don't mind at all." Sometimes I really wonder why she think in ways she think. I understand she grew up differently, her heart is made of stone and she have been through hard times but why in the world would she bring in subject that would spoil the mood like this? I hated her for this. Bring in bullshit to ruin the mood. Whether it is intentionally or wanting the attention from my father, it is a feeling I do not want to feel.

As I grew up. I started to see how fake the love my parents have. Pretty sure a lot of people my age see how fake the love our parents have. Our culture and tradition is different from others, sometime marriages are not bond to have love or feelings, sometimes both in mixtures. I am confuse with my mother.

I understand my father loves to go fishing and hunting but my mother hated a husband that does that. She once told me that she went to see a shaman for the reason why my father was ill or something but the shaman ended up telling her something else.

The shaman told her, "Your husband love to go out to seek for adventures in the woods and forest, but if he stop doing what he loves to do than he would change it to cheating. If you stop him from fishing and hunting then he will go hunt for a second wife into the household"

But my mother hated that idea. She don't want neither of the two choice. She just want a husband who stays in the house with her and stop going out. But mother, our culture are bond with spirits and religions that even if we do not believe it, things that are to be committed are being committed. I only wish that this would not happen at all. I hated her for not being able to accept other people.

My mother isn't a bad person, really. But there are parts of her that I hated and can't explain. She bring in things that shouldn't be brought up, she said things that would spoil the mood and her mood. She has a lot of judgement of things she see and people she know. I hated her for the negative thoughts that she had. The thoughts of her not being the favorite to other people, the thoughts of this marriage might fail, the thoughts of my father's feelings, and many more.

I hated her for bringing down her own life and not trying to accept and try to make any changes. I hated her for the hates and resentment that she has when she share. I hated that about her.

What I hated most is when she openly talked about her problem that shouldn't be talk, especially relatives and friends just to share her anger. I hated her most when she talk down about her life and talked down about her partner not hiding a slight of shame.

That is my mother. My mother is weird. I love her but I also hated her.