5 Chapter 5

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( Changes in POV )

What is love? ...

Love is ...

... a sweet delusion? A room disguised as a theme park but once you entered, you'll end up finding yourself locked up on a prison cell. A delicious cake you'll end up eating everyday but later you'll find out that it'll be the cause of your death. Something like that?

To be more exact, a drug you thought it can make you happy but ended up miserable.

Love ... A sweet and pleasant word to hear but deep inside, it's just nothing but empty feelings.

It's just a sweet translation of despair.

Love is ... pointless ...

Yeah, just like what my name means ...

So Ra ... A shell ... An empty shell ...

***

When I was a kid, reading fairytales and dreaming of my own prince charming riding a white horse was what I always thought of everyday. Saving the damsel in distress, I also fantasized of becoming that damsel. Waiting for my own prince charming to come. How romantic and exciting ...

But to think that all of that were just mere illusions ...

The 7 year old me, went home from my pre school after the class ended. I was excited that time to go back home and read my favorite fairytale story.

As I came back home, I was planning to knock but the door was left open. The clueless me entered the house thinking that mother and father were happily waiting for my arrival in the living room.

Today was my first time going home alone so I thought they will congratulate me for such achievement. I headed directly at the living room that time and my parents were there. They were not happily waiting for me but they're arguing loudly to the point that they didn't even hear the loud footsteps of their daughter.

The scene I saw that time ... I thought it was just normal ... But as I grew up, the love I used to dream of became a nightmare that I don't want to experience anymore.

On my 12th birthday , my parents argued in front of my birthday cake. As they were fighting, I just blew the candles and wished myself a happy birthday ... No ... It's just a normal birthday as it was really not happy ...

Three days after my 14th birthday, my parents ended up signing a divorce and my father left me just like that. At that time I thought that everything that's happening was for the best ...

Everything was fine until the year I became 15. My mother began acting strange. As I came back home, my mom welcomed me warmly. With the way she smile at me with those eyes, I thought she already forgotten the existence of the man she used to love. As we were eating, the words my mom said sent chills down into my spine.

"When do you think you're father will come back?" mother casually said as she was eating.

I just looked at her dumbfounded as I was shock.

"Huh? What do you mean by that mom?" I ended up asking.

She just stood up and washed the dishes. She didn't respond. She just went silent. At that time, I thought it was just a slip of a tongue but ... after that incident, she began acting strange.

When I reached 16, she became worse ...

Opening the door as usual, cold silent air welcomed my presence. Everything was odd that time. The air was tense and suffocating. It will make you really uncomfortable. As I went straight towards the dining room, food was arranged neatly on top of the dining table.

The presence of my mom was nowhere to be seen. At that time, I thought that she went somewhere and left the food for me to eat but ...

I was wrong ...

I unhesitantly ate the served meal and as I was eating, my mother walked in so gloomy. The expression she's wearing was horrible. Her eye bags were too dark and her face was bloated. The smell of the alcohol began circulating in the entire dining room.

Her eyes widen upon seeing me eating. I thought she's just shock by seeing me there but she hurriedly approached me and ...

SLAP!

She slapped me ...

"What in the world are you doing?" she infuriated.

"I said! What in the world are you doing?!" she repeated as she pushed me and pinned me down the wall.

Her gripped towards my shoulders were to strong. She's really angry. What in the world did I do?

"M ... Mom ...," I just looked at her with a worried expression.

She bowed her head and I was released from her strong grab. With her head bowed down, I just watched her in worriedness as she slowly walked and took a seat.

That was the first time I saw my mom acting like that.

She covered her face with his hand, and on that seat, she weaped her emotions out.

"This was all your father's favorite dishes. It was my fault so I greatly repent for all of my actions ... Why isn't he coming back?" she muttered.

"My dear So Ra, can you tell me why?" she looked towards me and her expression made me teared up.

It was an awful expression. Every tears that shedded from her face, it was not love but misery. I instantly flopped down on the floor and tried to held back my falling my tears.

My mom was greatly tortured. Not only for days but for the past 2 years. Jailed into an emotion she greatly believed in. Imagine being burned slowly by those sweet and loving memories, it was a total hell. Waiting for the past 2 years, believing he'll come back, what a scary way of torturing one's self.

I just hugged my mom and griefed together with her. She kept on repeating sorry as she was resting on my arms. That incident made me believe that love ...

is nothing but a bucket with a hole ... No matter how much you filled it with happiness and sweetness, all of that will be gone as time passed by. A poisoned chalice as no matter how great and nice when you received it, it'll be the cause of your own downfall in the end. A pretty and beautiful water hyacinth that greatly shaded your reasoning and perception making you go extremely blinded by how dangerous it was.

Love is just a tool to satisfy one's desire. A tool to showcase how intimate you were on each other. A tool that can make others envious, sad and covet someone to the point where they end up being corrupted. An evil demon masked by other people's twisted beliefs and irrational thinking.

Because of this evil demon, I lost my sane mom. After that day, her condition worsen to the point that she was declared as mentally ill. I ended up coming to a decision where letting her stay in the mental hospital was the only right choice.

My father knew everything and began supporting me in my studies. Even though he already has a new family, he still never neglected his duties as a father. He thought I was grateful but I'm not. He's the one who ruined not only our family but also my mom. Because of that love he gave, a person's life was sacrificed.

And also because of that love, it ruined a happy family ...

My father took me away and made me left Busan. He took me to a house in his name and made me live there ... Alone ...

He also processed my transfer records and I attended my new school the next week. As I entered that new environment, filthy gazes and annoying whistles made me want to threw up. The lust and hunger of males, the envy and spiteful gazes of females, it was very unpleasant. Three to four students made me caught their attention. Three of them were girls and the last one was a guy ... On top of that, he's my seatmate ...

He was handsome and elegant. As I observed him for the past days, he was truly a dependable guy. He assisted me when I'm in need and even helped me when I encounter problems. The way he looked at me, the look in his eyes; it was the same as mine. It was empty ...

At that time, I thought. If it's this guy ... I think we can be bestfriends. We share the same look and I guess we share the same pain.

I thanked him for helping me solve some of my activities by offering him a meal together. As we entered the cafeteria, everyone looked at us just like a public display. As we looked for a place to eat, he said sorry.

What is he sorry for? Is it because of the unnecesarry attention locked towards us? It's not even his fault so why saying sorry? He's a weird one ...

As we goes back, a bullying scene laid in front of my eyes. I don't know how my body moves but I immediately stopped it. During that time, I felt brave yet I was scared. The moment everything finished, my weak legs gave in. My seatmate helped me and as we head towards the infirmary, he asked me something so obvious.

"Why did you do it?"

If I didn't do that, another person's life will be shattered. I was scared. If that person ended up like what happened to my mother, I don't think I can forgive myself from ignoring what happened. It was not love - related issue but still, a person's life is precious. If being beaten up can save a life, then I'll gladly accept it.

Just like that, he dropped me off inside the infirmary and left quietly. That was the last time we talked to each other. As I thought, he's really weird ...

Weeks have passed and during the P.E Class we played dodgeball. But during that time, I felt uncomfortable. He was openly staring at me and even cheated the whole game. What in the world is he doing? I can't help but being disappointed.

I confronted him yet he acted like nothing happened. As I thought, it was really disappointing. I thought he's a reasonable and dependable guy yet he acted irrationally like that. As I walked away, he grabbed me and asked,

"Why are you disappointed in me?"

The look in his face was different than before. His eyes were not empty anymore. It's the same eyes. Just like my mom. His serious expression outpowered me making me blurted out strong facts.

"I never thought you're the type of person to do that. I'm just saying. We're not even friends to begin with. We're just seatmates that's all," I confidently said.

The moment I said those words, I instantly walked away. As I took a glance back, I can see what he's feeling. Just as I thought, you're starting to resemble my mom. You're starting to show signs of being in love ...

When he confessed to me, I can't dare to look back. I don't want to see how he looked. I can feel that when I looked back, I think I can't managed to held my emotions altogether. Just like how my mom looked at that time, I was afraid you'll look the same.

"You're just lonely to the point you're frustrated, right?"

Sorry, but this is the only reason I can think of. I can't accept his confession. I'm not willing to give in on that evil demon. I can't love. No, I won't love. That's why it'll be best if yo--,

"Then let's be friends, for now."

My eyes widen in shock. I didn't expected that. I thought he'll just leave and cut everything from its roots but I am mistaken. He said "for now" so the chances of him waiting for me is high. Sorry but I can't do that.

"Then I promise from now on, I won't love you"

I glanced back and said, "Really?"

"I swear," he responded.

Lies ... His words were contradicting with his expression. I can still see it. But why won't he give up on me? Why was he being so persistent? There are many girls out there but, why me?

I ended up accepting his offer. I don't know what will happen in the future but I can assure you ... despite everything you may do ...

I won't love you ...